I remember at the beginning of this year, I felt like it was going to be a good year. I was in love, going to move to Cleveland and get a job. I'd be out of college and doing art or anything really just as long as I was with Alex.

Instead, I live with my shitty family here in GA, I work a shitty job at minimum wage, and Alex broke up with me. I'm angry and bitter all the time, and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

I'm still trying to get a better job, and move to Seattle. I just feel like its never going to happen. Not only does it feel like nothing good ever happens, but I just don't have any self motivation anymore.

The worst part is that I took up smoking and drinking. I just don't give a fuck anymore. 

Someone at work took a few minutes to give me a serious talk about me as a person. I can't and I don't think I ever really knew where it came from. It just happened, but he talked about how I come off as people, and if I want that to change then I need to change first and he gave me some pointers on what I could do.

It was a very positive thing of him to do. He didn't put me down, but did point out the negative aspects about me. It was weird. I have no idea why this guy, who I've never cared for in the first place, cared so much. He'd say he doesn't care, but he must on some level. Because it wasn't a talk; it was something different and helpful. He had to care to talk to me about that and like that.

One idea he gave me was to record myself when talking to people. He said that he knows I probably think I come off as joking, but I don't. I come off as brash and uncaring. Something I never explained to him was I do it on purpose mostly to keep everyone at bay. But he said I can listen to myself and hear how I talk to people. I guess it's a good idea if I ever feel like trying to change.

But I don't think I'll ever get to the point of wanting to.

I have a very intense hatred for everyone. I can't really figure out if I want to feel this way or not. It's pretty much like anyone who says anything to me is going to get hurt, and I feel glad to hurt them.

I've also noticed I've become violent. I make "jokes" at work about physically hurting people when they "mess with me," but I can feel it in me. I have too much control over my actions to ever snap, though.

Any feelings of wanting to meet a girl is just a primal want. I don't want to connect. I really don't even want to meet.

Speaking of that, I was at my dads and Cathie's house. They asked if I'd met anyone, and I told them I wasn't interested. Cathie, whether she was genuinely concerned or not, talked to me about realizing "not interested" and a tattoo that says "Take It Easy; Love Nothing" came off as giving up. She talked to me about how I have a right to feel like I do, but I shouldn't try to ever move on. She talked to me about things I could do to better myself.

The fact is, and not that I didn't appreciate the talk, but I had tried really hard to get better. Having a shitty relationship with an otherwise okay girl for a year didn't help my case at all. I put too much stock into Alex, and ran myself into the ground. I wonder how I'd be if I never met her. Not even just her, though, but I tried a lot different things to feel better. The only thing that works is to stay away from everyone. I haven't really talked to anyone since I stopped talking to Alex.

Cathie put it pretty well, and that was that I've become a hermit "just going to work and then home to sleep." I always wished I was a hermit, and there I go. I succeeded.

I have a beard, a tattoo, and I started smoking cigarettes. I'm a real badass now.

I'm holding to do the things I want with you. I'm trying to start it; a planet without an atmosphere. Tomorrow, I'll be on my way. I'll be on.

Fuck you, you stupid fucking piece of shit. You're never going to more than a mistake that I deluded myself into thinking was something I needed and wanted. I'm not feeling suicidal anymore, because I rather it be you who's dead; a piece of trash I didn't bother picking up off the floor after I missed the trash can.


I can feel the flies picking up the endless end of my skin; creatures that I wish weren't my death. Now and forever, I'll try to keep my eyes open for the serenity in my fucked up situation while not having any whim of a sense of control. Is it okay if I scream every once and a while? And if I hae a cigarette to calm my nerves, would that be okay, too? Because I need to feel the security that I've never been provided with, and I need to feel like I have some kind of understanding. 


It's a hard shell and I can't get through, and that's pretty much the way I like it; an unfortunate defense after having none for so long. You fucked me.

I feel very alone.

I feel like everyone has moved on, and left me. I became a speck in everyone's life. Half of it is from subconsciously pushing them away, and the other half is from refusing to change into a better person for people I cared about.  Evan, Emily, and I'm guessing Alex, too, have all met new people. They've all gone on in a way in which I never existed before.

I don't see myself ever moving on. It's just a pile up of people I cared about, and now I'm way too fucked up to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone. I have no friends. I can't even muster up one good thing to say to any of the people at Chik-Fil-A who recognize me. I've literally become "the guy who never smiles."

I thought I was okay with that, but the truth is that I'm just so alone.

It's been a while. I guess there hasn't really been much worth mentioning that's never been said before, and/or I just haven't felt like writing. I haven't really been on the computer a lot, either.

I'm still just being by myself I guess, and thinking about how I with things were. My new ones are wishing I never met Alex, and how I wish my manager was dead. Nothing really new I guess.

Work has been very busy with the holidays and all. I haven't had/won't have a day off for a while which sucks. Yesterday, I had to work alone for an hour which happened to be the hour everyone was getting off work and picking their shit up. It got hectic, and I barely was able to keep it together. In fact, if that rush didn't end when it did, I probably would've gone insane. I could feel eyes narrowly focusing on every little thing, going crazy.

I pulled through, though, and that was it.

I thought I saw Emily, because I saw the same car and a girl inside it that looked like her. I also saw a girl today that looked just like her when we started dating. It was sad for me. But I was able to just keep working, and force it out of my head.

I was in Alex's room, and while he was playing a game, I was just looking at people on his FB. I realized how boring it was, and how great it felt not to have a damn FB anymore. It honestly has made me feel that much better not being attached to it.

I'm just not doing very well a lot of the times.

Someday, if it's fine, I wish that I could sail. Nobody's river can keep me deep like the child in me. Every day and every hour, I'm ready to sail off and go to sleep.


Black stains that no one can see; people are too busy discovering an empty road wishing and looking at it. I'm going to sleep. It's perfect. Put it on yourself over the hole in me. I could try to step up from my troubles and say "There it goes."

Tonight, Alex and I went out and basically hung out. We went to Walmart, the gas station, and GameStop. I tend to invite whenever I'm going places, because we have fun and shit. But he has this knack of being the biggest fucking asshole and completely ruining the mood.

He brings up three or four year old drama, and shoves it in my face and talks shit about how I can't handle the truth. First of all, what the fuck is he even talking about? It has nothing to do with truth. It has everything to do with we're getting along and having fun, and then out of nowhere, he brings up stupid shit for no reason. He's just being an asshole, and I fucking told him about that. I told him "Hey, for the sake of us getting along, you need to shut the fuck up about that and stop being a dick."

It doesn't even matter. I am fucking done with him.

So there I go. Now, I literally have no one in my goddamned life. Fuck you.

I'm only a. I'm a pre-teen's candle waiting to despise the end. I'm a lease's end trying to see if I'll sale. Now, if I wait forever, I could take what could possibly...hopefully be saved.; even if I save a few measly dollars. I wish I had the urge to wait, and I wish I had the strength to keep myself composed. I wish I was what a saint could take from.

You're your own key with a sharp lock. If it's your time and if  you're kind, then stay with no end. Keep up with your mind. I don't think I know how to express your face to a blind guy, and I don't think it's bright enough to light my way anymore. Your stop is at the hole along the halls. It's where I think I left all the things I used to believe in; the hope I used to feel and the need to even try.

I was hit with the sudden remembrance that...I don't really know. That I'm not happy, that no one cares about anything, that I'm alone. It's not such a great thing to remember. I honestly don't mind living a lie, and in ignorance. But I guess I can't even have that.

I sat at lunch today just looking at the table. I usually look around, and at everyone around me. I someday hope maybe I'll come to know someone. But I looked at my table the whole time knowing that I'm always going to be like this, and that I should consider any day where I can smile about anything a total blessing.

I had/have become okay with being alone. Or I at least convinced myself pretty well that I'm okay with it.  I was pretty sure I didn't need anyone, but the fact is that I'm so lonely and so uncared about. And it hurts a lot especially to know that it's....just always going to be like that.

I'm on a roll; I'm letting it out on my own freeway. By this time tomorrow, I may shine and I'll probably call. Through this winter snow, they act as the chill in my cereal when I drunk too much milk. It carried an honor roll of a grade; it's out all for all the people I don't know. You don't know.

In my heart of rows, I can't even remember. We're on my plane trying to see if we can stay afloat, and I'm looking out trying to see if any clouds are around.  Soon, I'm sure, I'll be up like your mind after taking a hit from this strong shit. Someday, I'll be like the looking glass that has it all figured out.

I swear my broken circle can still contain this mess of a square. 



Well, look at that. I can write pretty nicely without being depressed.

I felt like writing a new post, but I don't really know what to talk about. It's my own private blog, so I guess who gives a shit? I suppose I'm allowed to just write in it if I want. I'd hope so.

I'm listening to M83's new album. It's fucking good as fuck. Finally, great music that doesn't remind me of Alex. Instead, it reminds me of Emily because we saw them open up for The Killers. So fucking sweet! Everything reminds me of someone. It doesn't even really matter. This album is pretty damn good; too good for me to care about what it reminds me of.

I had lunch with a girl who works at FYE in the mall. I'm surprised I never wrote about that. I guess, because it wasn't something I cared about or something I'm going to really pursue. I have become a very sad and lonely creature, and I openly live that way. It's totally better than pursuing it, and then being disappointed, though.

I was thinking about how I haven't written in a long time, and I guess it's because I'm only good at it when I'm depressed and I haven't really been depressed lately. I mean I'll get down sometimes, but never so depressed that I write something really good or even something at all. It sucks, because I'd like to write but I just don't produce anything very good without being depressed. But I have been doing a lot of painting. I did one last night for a little over three hours. I have another lined up that I'll do on my day off that I'm really excited to do.

It's pretty weird that I didn't know what to write about, and then all of this came flowing pretty quickly. I guess I shouldn't ever be scared to just write randomly rather than feel like I can only come here when I need to get something off my mind/chest. Jeez, I really shouldn't feel intimidated by writing in my own damn blog. Which is also a private blog.

Jesus Christ, Matt.

I've gotten, again, to the point where I don't really know how I feel about anything; just that part of the circle I'm always going around in I guess. I'm kind of sad, but not really. I'm a little clueless as what I should be doing nowadays. I think it shows at work as I tend to stand around a lot not really knowing what I should be working on. I'm usually told to do whatever needs to be done, where before, I was pretty good at just seeing what needed to be done and I'd do it without being told.

I guess I just feel a little empty right now. I've gone a couple months now with no real friends, and no one to really talk to. Alex and I don't really talk much, and it's not that we don't get along. People at work are just co-workers. It's not enough that I feel that way, but I also don't know how I'd like to feel about anything.


I tend to not care much about anything. I go around work not caring if someone gets on to me. I barely cared when I was "attacked." My supervisor gets on to me, and I just ignore what he's saying. Mom gets on to me, and I just look at the ground till she's done ranting. I don't know what I'm feeling; nothing much really.

I remember in Atlanta, if I was depressed, I'd just lay in bed and shut everything out. Now I can't do that. I have things that need to be done, and I really don't have much time to just do nothing. I wish I could just sit around all day spacing out.

I guess if there's anything neat to talk about, it's that I have a beard. I wanted to shave it off today, because it was getting irritating, but I decided I want to keep it. I like the beard. Maybe I'll meet another girl like Alex who likes beards.

At work, there's this guy....that I guess I'd say I'm okay friends with. We go back and forth most times we talk with each other, but tonight, apparently, he must have not been joking this time. We were pretty much like "oh, you think you can take me?" [like guys do I suppose (I've gotten a lot better at being more like a guy)]. I'm guessing "You can't do anything faggot" pissed him off, because he got in my face and talked some shit.

All of a sudden, he was pushing me back and had his arm on my throat. My "training" kicked in, surprisingly, and I had my thumb driving into his ribs and so he was off me kind of quickly. I was really surprised he attacked me like that...at work.

I was really angry about it at first, but I closed my eyes and took a long, deep breath. And I felt better. A few minutes later, I was laughing at jokes with my friend till I clocked out.

I also just wanted to say that I got into the Star Wars: The Old Republic beta, and it is so good. It kind of sucks, because now, I'm going to get all addicted to it. /sigh I made a busty, cute, female Sith warrior. It's pretty awesome.

I was wondering if I should still get that Sith tattoo, but I think it'd just remind me of Alex every time I looked it at. So, that sucks.

L's coming over today for Thanksgiving, and we're going to play the new Batman game all day. It's gonna be sweet.

I've also been growing my facial hair out more often, but then I shave when it gets itchy. I figured since it's November, I'd grow it out all month. I'd like to say I look good with short hair and a mild beard. It helps that I've lost a lot of weight.

Yep.

Today was better as far as being angry goes in the sense that I wasn't. So that's a step up. I think it had to do with the fact that I didn't have a lot of work to do, and I didn't have to stay long also knowing that tomorrow I'm off. Tomorrow (Monday) is also my favorite day.

Monday is basically my Saturday. It's also when the new episode of my shows come on, and I pretty much enjoy my shows more than anything. But the Batman game comes out on Tuesday, so I can stop by GameStop after work. This should be a relatively nice week with no reason for it....not to be really.

I guess I always feel down about something with no real reasons. I see that, but I don't really know what to do about it. Plus, I don't really know what I'm doing that's keeping me from being all out depressed. I can only attribute it sticking to myself. It's really safe, and there's no one to sway my feelings.

I feel like I repeat the same things a lot when it comes to this subject, but I think the reminder is needed and it's a good way for me to reflect.




I've been listening to black metal a lot lately. I always come back to it every once in a while. I tend to stick with Dimmu Borgir and Cradle of Filth.

I'm entering a new (not really new for me) phase. I finally got tired of being silent all the time. It got boring, and I became lonely. So how does my mind react? I become a dick again. I try to come off as joking, but I know some of it is really coming off as a serious attitude problem.

I was also a little angry today at work. I don't really know why, either. I was just angry for no reason. That and being an asshole...well it isn't a nice thing to be, but I also just don't care right now. I ultimately just want to be distracted from everything, and this works for now. I'll probably go back to being quiet soon enough.

I admit I rather do enjoy just being silent and keeping to myself is more enjoyable, but that's only because I tend to romanticize it as if everyone's wondering what's going on inside me, but really, no one's paying attention and I guess that's half the point. But the other part of romanticizing it from these rare days I'll have where I'm genuinely and 100% content. I just feel nice and quiet, and I literally am not thinking about anything. It's peaceful, and being a dickhead is destructive and chaotic for me.

I don't care to be like that, but it's only a reaction to needing my bare need of human contact. Once, I've had my full, I'll go back to "normal." It is kind of funny how I reach out for connection by being a jerk, but only to people I know which right now is my co-workers. People, like the ones at Chik-Fil-A, I am a lot nicer and outgoing. I never was good at treating the right people the way I should treat them, I guess.

Another thing I'd like to talk about for once is my atheism. I am an Atheist, and people just...cannot understand it I think. Some people think that means I worship the devil (who I don't believe in), and some people just don't believe me. They think I'm just "acting out," or going through a phase. I can see how people would have thought about me back in 9th grade when I decided I was an Atheist, but that was about nine years ago (shit, that was a long ass time ago...).

The fact is that I'm using, what I think, is logic. A god, be that the Christian god or any god, just doesn't sound real to me. It's all based around blind faith, and the need to feel like there's more out there. But the fact that I'm a huge pessimist being able to live without religious hope also helps me to see that it's really just the idea a very core human want: eternal life.

Everyone wants to live forever, and the idea of dying is scary. We can't live forever, but we can have kids and pass on our blood. Why are people so obsessed with passing on their name or blood? It's the idea of living forever. It's just pretty basic to me.

That doesn't mean that I believe in evolution, or anything. I mean I realize if I don't believe in god, then it must be evolution. But really, I don't care too much about where we came from. It's what happens after we die that I'm more passionate about, and I just believe that nothing happens.

We're finally apart like a snow day full of kids going back to class; a burnt cross and no leaf. I have no time, and I didn't realize I was lonely. A lack of faith to lay awake, so I can feel like I can come over.

Let me see how to come with the right swim wear for this night so I can bury my head round you. Oh, we can try and marry ourselves around you. It's a great concept. It's of great intellect. It's a way for me to open some champagne on New Years. What'd you think? That I was an earthquake?

I'm definitely a mess. It's not a lie that I can sing some jingles that make me feel like a snake. I asked you nicely to leave me alone, and I asked you to please put me in my place. I'm everything I hope for one day I can put out of mind. Maybe someday, I'll grow a soul.

Maybe some day, my heart will start beating, so I can hate to haunt you. I am a gate to flaunt you. I am not a part of the time on the watch I don't wear anymore. I don't need to understand as long my arm's are surrounding the arm rest.

I made a mistake. The other day, I was watching Alex play Skyrim and he had MSN up on his laptop. So I said dumb things to his girlfriend, and out of boredom, I said one thing to Alex on there, too. The thing is is that every time I watch Alex play a game, Alex is never online. So I didn't think saying something would matter.

But the one time I do say something, I guess Alex gets online and see's it. Apparently, she asked about me and said something along the lines of thinking I didn't want anything to do with her and that it was weird for me to say something to her. The fact is that I don't want anything to do with her. I don't want to know that I've known her. I guess saying dumb shit to her on MSN really goes against that. I should have known better.

It's messing with me a little; I'll be honest. I'm keeping myself from jumping on MSN, and talking to her. And I'm just trying not to think of her too much. Hopefully, writing about this will have helped later. I'll be going to work in a little while, so that should help.

Everything's just so tough to deal with. That's why I need to stick to myself, and while I'll be bored, at least I won't have to deal with stuff like this. I have become a very scared and cowardice person.

I'm just laying here. I don't really know how I've felt lately; not bad or good. It's been a little quiet which is nice. I feel like...I don't even know to be honest. I just don't feel, yet I feel like something should be there. Maybe it's just that I'm laying with nothing really going on.

I've been working a lot. The holidays are coming, and the workload has slowly been increasing. Yesterday, I got seven customers at once, and for the first time there, I had to run to get to something I needed. It wasn't a bad thing. It was kind of a rush. I asked my supervisor if I could have the 3AM shift for Black Friday, because I want to experience it.

I've been really quiet at work lately not really wanting to be friendly. Most people have noticed "something's wrong." Everyone's always talking about how I look sad and such. Alice said my art is garbage, and I've gone on ahead and written her off. Her trying to convert had already made me dislike her, but now she's done this. She's an annoying person.

Everyone at Chik-Fil-A said hey to me, and called me by my name. They talked to me. It was weird. I'd been wanting some friends, but all I could think about was "Please leave me alone." I pretty much have no idea what I want. I want some kind of crazy and impossible balance between having and not having friends.

The Fall video game line up is coming to a close. It was a pretty amazing year. I got a shit ton of games, and have two left to get. I'm also getting a new TV on Black Friday, and I can't wait.  Having a job has done wonders for me with being able to buy games. I literally didn't hold back, or have to decide which two or three games I really wanted. I just got everything I wanted. Surprisingly, I have been having a lot more fun playing MW3 MP than BF3. Alex keeps picking on me about it, but I like what I like I suppose.

Today, I thought about getting what you deserve. I didn't think of it as karma, but I guess that's pretty much what I'm talking about. I don't really believe in getting what you deserve. Nothing good or bad happens to you based on who you are or what you've done. When I thought about it, it felt so prominent. But now it just kind of like "duh." I think maybe I've been getting a more "take what you want" attitude, but it's not very clear yet. I think it's just a "having a job and no bills" phase, and just splurging till I'm back in the real world.

I feel like I should write about my feelings on wanting a girlfriend, but the fact is that I don't know right now. Obviously, I'd like to have someone that makes me happy and feel good. But it's just kind of scary. I'm genuinely intimidated by trying to find someone. But I'm also waiting for it to just happen, or at least that's how I hope it happens. That's how Alex and Emily happened. I feel like I'm looking without really doing so.

I guess I want one, but I think I don't really need one. Like, I can see that I think. I definitely don't need someone in my life to make me happy anymore. I've learned to finally do it on my own, and I think that certainly plays a part in being unsure about having a girlfriend. I'd be scared to start depending on someone, because I don't know, yet, how give myself to someone without depending on them.

Ultimately, I'm just scared. I realize that I'd like some company and someone to talk to, but I see pretty fucking clearly how it is for me when I get close to someone. It's just way better for me to stay by myself and admire from afar.

Tonight, I went out to eat at El J's. When we were leaving, I saw a girl that looked a lot like Emily, and, of course, I nearly had a panic attack where my breathing started getting crazy and my heart started beating super hard. It wasn't fun. I got it under control as fast as I could, because I didn't want mom or the Herbs to ask what was wrong. I've really learned that my mom is just not understanding when it comes to that subject, or any subject that has to do with me dealing with emotional problems.

I did do some thinking afterwards, though. I thought how shitty it is that I still can't not fall apart if I see Emily. I was fucked up from just seeing her parents at Sears. I don't know if it means that I'm just still completely not over her. I tried to think of other reasons why I'd still react like this. I had a good reason before, but I can't remember it now.

It kind of excites me more; the prospect of moving to Seattle. God, I would never have to worry about seeing anyone I know. I literally worry about seeing Emily at places here. It makes me feel pathetic, but I think it may be normal...for some. I think it kind of shows how deeply in love I really was with her no matter how bad things got. But I rather not think about that.

I feel lonely.

I had something that I wanted to write about today, but I can't remember what it was. I think it had to do with a particular feeling I had today. I think it was something....oh, yeah. I remembered just now.

I was thinking about how I missed getting lovey text's, and stuff like that. But then I thought about how oh, my god, I don't think I could ever get to that point again. I mean that in the sense that....I just don't know if I can see myself being open enough with my feelings anymore, so I let anyone in. That would, I assume, keep me from getting to the point in a relationship where I could receive a lovey text.

I think I just need to meet the kind of person that I automatically can be myself with? I don't know.

I have been thinking about the fact that I'm free to do whatever I want, and I don't have to buy stuff all the time for a girlfriend. That's nice. There are other things like that that I think about, and how it'd just ruin my day to day. I mean I'm already not always happy, but at least I'm pretty content most of the time.

Lately, I've been doing two new things.

The first thing is that to stop thinking of Alex, I think more about Emily. Out of both of them, it hurts more to think about Alex. It's actually kind of worked. I've been kind of sad, but not too much, about Emily. But I haven't really thought of Alex at all, so that's sweet. I didn't even think of her again till tonight, and it sucks, but I couldn't not look at her Tumblr. Thankfully, there wasn't anything on there that hurt me.

The other thing I've been doing has to do with the fact that you can be happy in one of area of your life, and the other areas suck. So I've decided work is not that good anymore. I still work pretty hard, and it's not like I hate being there. But I feel angry there. The other day, I was really going all out working, and no one bothered me. I was possessed. One guy told me he appreciated how hard I've been working, since no one really gets shit done.

A lot of people there have been asking if I'm okay, though. They all say I look "so sad." I've been getting really good at walking off, and ignoring people.

But the upside of the whole thing is that I'm in a pretty good mood when I get home after work. I'm pretty fine right now. I'm sore from dealing with heavy shit all day, but I'm in a relatively good mood. It's a good trade off. I'm angry at work, but not like obsessively pissed or anything, and I get to relax at home. By myself.

It's really all just a distraction from my loneliness.

I've been having a really bad time at staying content in the sense that I had been pretty content mostly 100% of the time before. Now, I'm just bothered all the time. I'm literally haunted by thoughts of Alex, and I'm always worried something bad is about to happen.

A few nights ago, I made the mistake of looking at Alex's Tumblr, and it fucked me pretty hard. I have to deal with reopening that wound, but when I say I've learned from my mistakes for good, I hope I can really keep myself away from her from now on. This is the second time I've looked at it, and came away in a worse condition.

The other day, I dropped a range at work, and I became paranoid that it was broken and that I'd be in trouble. The range finally went out yesterday, so there must have been no problems with it. But even still, I've kept having this shitty feeling that something bad is going to happen. Every time nothing happens, I expect the feeling to have disappeared, but I'm having the crappiest time shaking it away.

This really sucks, because I haven't even been that excited about this Monday and Tuesday. I mean, it's been nice to watch my shows, get my books and game. But I'm not overwhelmingly excited like I usually get. It kind of upsets me that this girl, whom I've grown to really scorn, is still controlling the way feel from day to day. I'm still trying really hard to get over her, and to move on. It's just been so hard.

I've disappointed my mom by having no will to further my career, and being constantly ungrateful. I've hurt my brothers by being insensitive. I cheated on my ex's by being emotionally unavailable, and shrugged off how they felt. I severed my ties with my dad, and have no relationship with my sister. I threw away all of my friends, and ruined an 18 year friendship with Evan.

I have an imaginary female friend based on a mix of Emily, Alex, and what I imagine the perfect girlfriend would be for me. I've been talking to her since I moved to Atlanta as a way to cope with the loneliness. When Emily, broke up with me, my relationship with my imaginary friend became that much more important. She kept me from going completely insane at times. When I met and started dating Alex, she became a cute way to express my complete desire to be with Alex in person. As our relationship began to fall apart, my imaginary friend became more important and really took on a real life of her own. It is now at the point where I would be completely depressed if I forced her out of my life, and it is even hindering my ability to ever be happy with a real person. Just knowing that depresses me, because it says that I've got to start moving on. Just saying that, I can see her looking at me sadfully as if to say "I have to go?" And it almost brings tears to my eyes.

I told her she doesn't have to go anywhere.

I saw a thread on the 64ums called "Feeling like you want to die." It was a neat thread where everyone talked seriously about feeling like that, and how they deal with it. While, I haven't been signed into the place in half a year, I still remember everyone and enjoyed seeing how they handle it. I liked seeing that I really am not alone in feeling that. It's a completely human thing, and everyone deals it; even people you think are probably never sad.

It made me think about how I've taken the initiative to find my own happiness, and to be okay alone. What I've found out is that the things I do, like enjoying video games, web comics, etc., are all survival mechanisms. They're a way for me to cope with everything.

The problem with that is that it makes me feel like I'm only ever going to be coping with everything when I could really learn to be happier. I've read and heard so many things about people being so much better off on anti-depressants, and it really makes me want to try them one day. I'm sure I will eventually. Maybe I could be happier, because I kind of feel like we're not meant to be happy. We just live, and then we die. I think that I'm more scared of that than actually dying.

Tonight, after work, I drove and I was in a really relaxed and calm mood. That mood that I always wish I was in. I was listening to The Dear Hunter. I really like them, and it sucked because I can't listen to them without thinking about Alex. Luckily, it didn't put a damper on my mood too much, and I was able to stay in a relatively nice frame of mind.

Today at work was pretty good. I laughed a lot, and worked really hard. I got all of my work done, and won't have to finish it tomorrow. That's pretty sweet. I was kind of proud of myself.

I've been in a drawing mood a lot lately. In fact, I'm going to draw after writing this. I've been wanting to do cartoons again. It sucks that I'm not that good at it, but I enjoy doing it.

I started missing Alex a little today. I'm sure it's just a thing for today. I probably will feel better tomorrow. I wanted to look at her Tumblr, and see what's she's been doing. I don't like looking, but I just wanted to get it out of my system. On her FB, she's not friends with Tom anymore. It still says he's liked her pictures, except you can't see his name. So he probably deleted his FB. Why couldn't he do that while I was still on FB?

Anyways, that's really it. Not a lot really goes on; just trying to be content.

What I did today:

1. Watched The Walking Dead, Dexter, Red vs Blue, Mega64nimation.
2. Ate Taco Bell.
3. Saw Paranormal Activity 3 with Ashley and Pete.
4. Went to the midnight release of Battlefield 3 with Chris and Alex.

And now I'm sitting here with Kalisto, listening to MC Frontalot, and installing BF3.

Good day.

Even if we let our washed up feet know that we're always watching, we can climb back into the sea; an underground ship and a baby that can't help but lie. She was alright, but with all the other guys, she blows away. 

I can say hi when I want to, and I can listen when I'm done pretending to care. At the bottom of my well with my volcano of a soul, an independent thought that no one believes, I'd like to try to move from my dusted spot; a mantle in my bedroom. She was nice, but when I tried to speak, she broke away. 

There's a persons grasp that's always trying to hold on to an old feeling. There's an airport runway with a car on it. I'm a great pioneer with no work left to do, and a doorway with no patience.

I'm thinking about how much I've changed. I can see I'm a darker person in different sense than I can be. A real nothingness has taken root inside of me. It's not my darkness or any other kind of darkness, but a real feeling of uncaring for anything or anyone. I'm not like how I'd hate everyone, but I just don't see them. I think my utter desire to feel this way has finally happened.

I got rid of Alex, and I feel that much better without her in my life. A girl at work who claimed she was put in my life to help me see "Jesus' light" (like so many others have said), who used to be someone I liked talking to, has become no one to me in a matter of a day. I don't talk to most of my co-workers, and when I have to, I can feel this coldness in myself like "How dare they feel like they can come to me."

I'm not a very nice person. I'm still nice in the sense that it's not like I'm without my manners or anything.

What's helped me to feel this way is to have a keen remembrance of what it's like to be in a relationship. All there is is drama, and it makes everything complicated. I wouldn't be able to enjoy my lunch at work, because I'd be too busy feeling upset about something.

Another thing I keep in my memory is the way it feels to keep seeing some I loved. I don't bother looking at Alex's FB or Tumblr, because it hurts every time I see her face. There are other things that this example falls under; like any of the cute girls at work. I try not to see them as girls I could myself with, but as having something I wouldn't be able to stand.

I would not be able to stand the company of another person.

This is why it's an easy decision to stop looking for a relationship. Or why it's easy to kick Alex out of my life. The thing about all of this is that I tend to feel very dull from day to day. I don't feel depressed nearly as much, or particularly happy. I do still get excited about my shows and video games. They're the high light of my life, and I've come to really enjoy that. Having something like that that will never let me down like a person can do.

I'd like to be able to find a website where I can post things I write so that others can read it.

Today started very nicely. I was getting along with everyone. I was having fun, the truckload was a bare minimum which meant an easy work day.

But then everyone started picking on me again. It was like a barrage of attacks from everywhere for a good while. Not too long afterwards, my supervisor told me to go home, because he didn't need me anymore. That bummed me out more, because he made it feel personal. I also needed the hours. I was able to at least stay a little more longer.

Even still, it all pushed me down a dark hole today. I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day and kept to myself. It got me thinking of my darkness again. There's nothing really new to say about it. I mean it's the same as always I guess. I get picked on, and feel alone and like no one cares about me.

I saw on Alex's Tumblr she was having a bad day, too. I thought about how I was glad I was able to stop caring about things like that, and learn that it's just her PMDD. It was a horrible waste of my time trying to care, and be there for her. I have to admit, though, that I really enjoy reading about when she's doing bad. It makes me feel good.

I guess I just want her and everyone else to feel shitty. I get off on it like a sick freak. I don't mind it so much.

I wonder how long it'll be before I stop even reading her Tumblr. I still look at Emily's FB. I guess I'll never really stop.

I feel like I had more to say on here, but I can't really remember. I guess those are the only two things going on lately. I work, and stalk Alex's Tumblr. But I'll have my shows on Monday, and then midnight release of Battlefield 3 that night. So, I'll be feeling better soon enough.

Sean's in town. That's pretty sweet. I doubt I'll get to see much of him, though, which sucks. You think I'd be able to seeing as how he's right across the street, but I guess he'll be kind of busy.

I'm finally done with Alex. She texted me yesterday which book comes after The Fall of Reach. I had to tell myself she was just testing me, so I'd feel more inclined not to answer. Although, I didn't really need to do so. I wasn't going to say anything anyways, and I deleted the text kind of quickly. I just gotta move on, and stop trying to keep her in my life.

It's like when Emily and I were obviously done as a couple, and I kept trying to keep us together. I guess when it's meant to end, it's just meant to do so. It kind of sucks to feel like that and not like I have any real control over the situation.

I'm off work today, and tomorrow. I just watched the new Dexter, and I'll watch the new Walking Dead tonight which I'm so excited for. It's nice having all these sweet shows to watch. I'll have the new House tomorrow; Terra Nova, too, but that show seems like it's not going to be so good outside of its premiere which sucks.

I guess I'm going to play some Dragon Age 2.

I talked to Chris about going to PAX next year. It looks like we may go and if he doesn't, then I'll just go by myself. I think I'll enjoy myself more that way anyways. But either way, I told mom I'm going to start saving up, and she said that'd be a good way to see if I'll like Seattle. I can get brochures for apartments and check out the job market.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I really hope it all works out. I want to get out of here, and start somewhere new where I can forget about everything and everyone I know.

To get ready, I'm just going to start figuring out how much I'll need to save up to make the trip. I need a plane ticket, hotel room, food, money to buy stuff, PAX pass. I'm going to ask my HR rep about if it's possible to transfer to another Sears in Seattle or the surrounding area. I definitely won't keep that job as it pays almost nothing. I think it's going to be tough, but I've never wanted something so bad.

I want this more than I wanted to stay with Emily or Alex. Or trying to stay friends with Alex.

I told Alex I'm deleting her phone number (which is done). She didn't even care which furthers my need to be rid of her, and stop pretending she does care. I said bye, and she said "Really?" I'm not going to say anything, because she'll just drag me back into her web and....this sucks. But it needs to be done.

I figure I'll keep this blog public for a little longer, and let her read this before it goes private for good.

Shoe was going to visit today, but ended up being busy. I guess today isn't going to be the nice Saturday I imagined. I guess after having a relatively nice day yesterday, I don't mind this so much. Or at least, I might as well just be glad for yesterday and start getting ready for the incoming wealth of depression that may or may not hit me.

Maybe the nothingness will help me again to feel nothing like it did with Dora and Allison. If not, then that'd be normal. I should be sad to be getting rid of someone I care about. But I'll go to Seattle and it'll be like it never happened.

The new way to tell someone "I miss you" through text messages is "HEY STRANGER." Why give some people a second chance when there are some still waiting for their first one.

I don't care if I get wet, and I don't care if we don't do this today. I don't know if we're friends anymore, and I don't know when I'm going to break apart, but I do know I'm never going to touch you. I can feel a heart attack coming on for this mistake that's caused me to....fuck.

I'm staying in bed, and watching the walls. Everyday, I'm awake and I'm alive, but I stopped trying to live. A fight was better than never seeing you anymore. I don't care if I am dead and I don't know about you, but this isn't ever going to start. Nothing's going to start up my hearts sigh.

Fuck it.

Away from my airplane so I can feel the skin on my tips, and so I can feel like something I pretend is satisfaction. I hope I won't remember you one day.

A woman keeps harassing me about her god. Someone took my faith from the rest of us. I painted my wood brown and blended in, so I can remember what I forgot. I feel like my hair's too bright and my hands are shaking too loud; I can't even finish writing this book that I named after you. 

In the morning light, I may feel better for the five seconds if I concentrate real....real hard, because no morning wood is going to be hard enough to help me expect that I can be helped. 

Work was pretty nice today. Well, work wasn't nice. I was just in a nice mood. I was content. The weather was nice, no one was messing with me. Work did kind of go slow, but eh. Nothing much really happened there I guess.

After work, I stopped by Wal-Mart and picked up Green Lantern and Tron: Legacy on Blu-ray. Of course, I couldn't just be 100% happy about it, and I had to think about "Oh, I wish I could've seen GL with Alex in theaters," because I'm faggot who can't stop being in love with someone who's stopped caring about me a long time ago.

And then she texted me about how she saw Tron for the first time, coincidentally. I was going to say something, but then remembered not to fall back into that. What was going to happen? I'd say "oh, sweet." And then that would be it. I gotta stop falling into the whole "She's talking to me!" thing, because all that happens is I get hurt and I feel extremely stupid.

That's how I feel after trying to talk to anyone. Some girl at work needed my help at work, and we spent like an hour just doing that together. She was trying to talk, but I just stayed silent and she gave up. Yeah, I could have probably tried to be cool with her, but why? I don't want to know anyone, or talk to anyone. Especially when a person has such control over how I feel like Alex.

I feel like I'm ranting.

Anyways, Lennon and I watched Green Lantern, and it was really good. I don't understand why everyone hated it. Yes, I did think about how I wanted to watch it with Alex, but that's never going to happen. Nothing between us will or could happen. I don't like myself. But overall, at least the movie was good enough so that I didn't really think about it.

Tomorrow, I'm off work and I'm going to watch Tron. I'll probably play Dragon Age 2 all day, and forget my worries as well. Mostly, I'll just be chilling, because I've been working really hard all week.

It shows, too. My supervisor, today, said he was proud of me. It really made me feel good. I haven't been praised for something in a long time, and it was so nice. It was like being soothed, and being lost in a wave of warmth. I felt myself literally just forget all my troubles for a few seconds. \

That was the gayest thing I've ever written. In fact, with that and my rant, I should just delete this whole post.

I saw that Emily had a new profile picture of her and her boyfriend. I sat here and just stared at it. I studied the way she looks; she looks the same as I remember her. Except there's some other guy next to her that even looks like me, but isn't me.

It's not fair...I don't know why I do this to myself.

Every time I see her, I get that old feeling where no one cares about me. And then I can't help but actually piece together why and how no one really does care about me. I have a need to to actually sit here, and make myself depressed.

So let's see what I came up with.



Emily: broke up with me after four years, and seemed to have moved on pretty easily.

Evan: stopped being my best friend after eighteen years over a joke I made about his girlfriend of one or so months. He also didn't respond to my message when I tried to talk to him two years later.

Alex: broke up with me. Even after trying hard to stay friends, she lives on easily without me and only cares about creeping on me on my blog.

Mom: called me lazy when I admitted I wished I was dead. Doesn't try to understand me about anything, and continues to judge me.

Dad: cares more about my brother than me even after I went out of my way to visit him a lot, and Alex hadn't stayed in touch for years. When I'd visit, he'd only ask about Alex, and now that he's in his life, he never talks to me anymore.



These are all the people that have really mattered to me, and if they can all stop caring about me so easily, I don't see how anyone could. In the last year or so, I've developed a taste for hurting people. I'd always get off on upsetting Alex, talking shit about Christianity to Kara, throwing Dora away after she fell for me. No one cares about me, and even if someone actually started to, I'd just hurt them.

So look at me. I'm bound to be alone forever.



The highlight of my day was driving in the rain tonight, with my hoodie on (hood up) to stay warm, and listening to Deadmau5. I wish I could be that content always, but I guess it takes all the shit I get for me to really enjoy little moments like that.

I had to go to a funeral today. That was unfun. I don't like them, and I don't like being around other people while they're grieving. I got to see Jason at least. He'll be coming over Thursday night for dinner, and then I guess he's going back to New York on Friday.

I tried to talk to Alex today, too. I thought maybe we'd get along. I was kind of hoping we would. After a funeral, it's nice to have someone to talk to, right? But what I got instead was a lecture on her view on being straight edge, and I had to defend that just because I don't care about flaunting my views doesn't make me less "edge."

I don't consider myself straight edge. I just consider myself as someone who chooses to not do drugs or drink. I don't feel a need to connect to that crowd, because I'm not as like minded as them. Or maybe I am, and I just don't care. Either way, I'm apparently not "edge" enough to sport an X tattoo even if I really wanted one.

This isn't really the issue anyways. The issue is that I shouldn't talk to anyone. I shouldn't pretend I'm friends with anyone. I'm alone, and that's how I'm meant to be. Alex claims to care about me, and I believe her. But it shouldn't make me feel like I can talk to her, because I can't. I shouldn't have explained that I was getting kicked out the house, because it shouldn't matter to me that she knows. I shouldn't send her funny pictures explaining that's what her period looks like, because I shouldn't care if she thinks it's funny.

This goes for everyone. Yes, I mention Alex, because at one point, she was the most important person in my life....she was important at all I should say..., but it really applies for everyone. It's unsafe for me to connect, and it's unsafe for others to try and connect to me.

While Dora did drugs, she was still nice and she didn't deserve to be thrown away by me.

I went to a funeral, had a stupid conversation with someone I shouldn't ever talk to, and I listened to Deadmau5e. It's still raining. This is a better day than most.

It's a it's a it's a it's a it's a dead body. Showered in all my imagination, I can't blame myself for my indiscretions. How am I are a supposed to be. It's a shame we never worked out. I'm sorry that I couldn't make us work. 

Strobed out and realizing my sky's limit, so I can go on, so I can go on. I know I'm at a worlds low when I do not even know. I don't think I should be going with you to your grandma's funeral, or going to visit you at your college. I didn't think I'd be a nice nice nice nice nice nice, I mean a good enough person. I wouldn't be a caring enough person, or a good enough soldier. That's what I am is what I can't be. An imagination in an imagination, and a few leveled building with no exit signs. 

Out of my death sympathy is when I can feel like what I want to feel. I think I can. I feel like....I can't. A lot of people like dub-step these days, but no one can offer any real hea-hea-hea-hea-heavy droooooops. I can't e-e-e-e-even hear when the-the-the-theyyyyy cooooome in through my iPhone's ringtone. 

I am bleeding out my insecurities every time I open up your page, or at least that's my excuse when I'm looking at you. I feel like a stalker that's being stalked, or maybe that's not in my head like I'm always thinking. Good afternoon, I'm home from work and all I want to do is see what you did today. 

I made some canceled plans, and pretended some happy things were happening. I don't think I'm a bad person for trying to play pretend with you. I don't think I'm a sad person for trying to play pretend with myself. 

I got called into work. I didn't really mind, because I didn't have to stay long or do much. The weather's been a little rainy today (wet and sprinkling), so I could enjoy that a lot. When I was taking something to a customers car, realizing I worked in a warehouse, I thought about that show, The Killing. For fun, I pretended I was in Seattle. It was really nice.

While at work, I finally worked myself up to ending things with Dora. She was upset, and I feel so bad about it. She was a really nice person, but I just didn't want someone who did drugs like that and other things. I couldn't be with someone like that. I'm not sad to lose her, though. I'm really sad that I had to hurt her. I feel like I just want a hug from someone.

Tonight, though, will be tons better. Mom's grilling chicken, I'll be playing Dragon Age II, and watching the new Dexter tonight. It'll be exactly what I need to feel better. Plus, it's still raining. Now that I'm home and alone, by myself, with the rain going, Kalisto sitting with me, and Friday I'm in Love by The Cure (lame, I know) playing, I already feel better.

I've been thinking a little about my "dark passenger." Everyone has one, and I've been connecting with mine lately in a way that I'm not used to. I used to reject it, and want it to be gone. But now, I have a better idea of what my darkness is, and how that makes me into the person I am.

I'm a manipulator. In turn, that makes me a coward. I know this, because I hate confrontation and I rather snake my way through something than deal with it head on.

I've discovered from my co-workers that I'm very unemotional. This is funny, because my emotions are so strong on the inside and I never realized how I came across on the outside. One guy, last week, told me I have no emotion when I talk. He did something for me to keep me from getting in trouble and I said thank you, but he asked what does he have to do for me to give a sincere thank you. I felt like I was being pretty sincere.

I usually feel kind of content at work, but Torie, and I wrote about this before, thinks I look sad all the time even though I don't necessarily feel it. 

I never realized how I've set myself into this mold where I come across as empty. I'll admit that I feel that way a lot these days, but it's still kind of new. How long have I been this way looking dead? I don't think I must have been this way when I was dating Alex. I remember she didn't like when I'd smile at her on cam while laying down, so I must have....been smiling a lot.

So I guess this whole empty thing is new. I thought about how I had a few months where I wanted to feel nothing so bad, and maybe I got it in a way. I distribute no outward emotion. I can only guess it's a defense mechanism to keep people out.

What about keeping people out? I'm so scared to get really close to anyone anymore, and even when I do and wanted to, I have commitment issues I think.

My dark passenger has evolved. It used to be reckless and would control me, and it would tell me things that I wanted wasn't allowed. But now it feels like it's scared. That control isn't there anymore. I'm running scared myself on instinct, not because of my scared passenger.

There's more to it, and it goes a lot deeper. My darkness has creeped up some in the last few days. I snapped on a co-worker, and told him to stop fucking with me. But it's also crept up on me in less outward ways. A girl at Chik-Fil-A (all the workers recognize me, because I get a coke for lunch every day at work) kind of talked to me in "I recognize you way," but even then, I recognized that I felt nothing. This girl was amazingly cute (she's a red head), and I felt no want to really talk back. I just stared, and said thanks when she handed me the coke.

I've noticed on Tumblr, that Alex has been trying to talk to this guy. If she's really like me, she'll just end up hurt. I guess I recognize that there's no point in trying to talk to a friendly girl, because I know I'll just get hurt.

So there it is. I have become an emotionless shell of a person. I think it's nice in a way. I'm protected by who I've become. But if I stay this way for too long, I'll be so damaged, I won't know how to talk to anyone at all anymore.

Today at work, the manager chewed us out for a good hour. It was cool, because that was one hour down doing nothing. I enjoyed it. It was pretty easy going tonight, too. Thank god. I'm about done with how busy we've been.

Dora and I got into a fight. She had started talking about how maybe we're just too different, and I said if this is it then just say so. Upon being close to losing me, she started rationalizing shit about staying together and wanting to make it work. The trick is that she needs a day or two to calm down, so she doesn't say stuff like that anymore. The fact is that we are too different, and I thought I'd get over it.

But cocaine? Like I said last night, there's just no way I can do it. I plan to bring it up when she's ready to talk again. I don't really want to manipulate her into hating me and leaving me. It's just a mean thing to do, but she like....really likes me and I don't want to just throw her off and hurt her. In the end, I just gotta do what's right for me, though.

At least, I'm not being hurt.

On the way home tonight, I had my iPhone on shuffle and it started playing All I Ever Wanted by The Air Toxic....something. Whatever they're called. The point is that I really wish I could stop thinking about Alex. It sucks that she'll be a scar on me forever, and I'm just an insect in her life if that much.

That's why I made my blog private. I hate that she could know everything going on with me, and I have no idea what's going on with her. I know Brian broke it off, and only because she accidentally texted that to me. So, really. Does it make sense to let her know my every thought? It doesn't, and it's unfair. That's why she's not my friend.

I'm doing okay, but there's just that feeling where everything's slowly beginning to suck again. I'm actually choosing to go back to how I was. Alone, bored with everything. I mean I guess it's better than dealing with Alex or Dora. I'll probably make a new Facebook, and only add people I actually like talking to which is maybe three people. Or just delete everyone off my old FB.

More importantly, I need a new computer chair. This one is broken, and it's killing my back. Fucker.

A year ago today, I got a package full of food from a girlfriend. Just wanted to post about that.

Work was tons better today. I was basically with Tim and Andrew who are the only people I really get along with that well. They mess with me, but I know them better and can laugh with them. I mess with them, too, so it's all good. I was singing the Sailor Moon theme a lot, and Tim kept saying "I'm gonna kill em."

We started talking about sex, and I mentioned how I was with Dora. It led, somehow, into how I had unprotected sex and they started saying stuff like "Oh, man. You better hope you didn't get her pregnant." I knew she wasn't pregnant when I first thought about it before, but them saying that really fucked me up big time. I had to talk to Dora about it, and she calmed me down saying she had her period. But it still wasn't enough to make me feel completely better, but I'm sure it'll wear off soon.

I started talking about how we're moving too fast, and I wanted to slow down. She was annoyed, because she thought we were doing really well. She thought I worried way too much, and I have the self esteem "of a peanut."

The worst part is that I wanted to annoy her. I don't want her to like me anymore, so I'm sabotaging the relationship. I'm a very neat monster.

I feel bad about it, but I don't want to settle on someone who does cocaine and does nothing but sits in their room smoking cigs and weed. I mean really? I was seriously about to settle for her, and I just know I can't. She wants me to smoke weed and drink, and I can't do it. She's not pretty to me. You know her pictures were all old, and well...she doesn't look like that anymore. I was deceived. Whatever. I'm a shitty person like everyone else, but this isn't something I can just be happy with. The other worst part is that I can't really get rid of her till I'm sure she's not pregnant. She isn't, but motherfucker, I can't help my shitty self.

Ever since Alex broke up with me, I'm discovering I have some real commitment issues. Or I'm just waiting for someone who makes me feel that spark again.Either way, I'm going on a kind of hiatus about the whole thing. I'm tired of looking for someone. I just want to be left alone.

I made my blog private today. Alex is not my friend, and she doesn't need an all access pass into my life. Sure, if she texts, I'll respond. But she isn't important to me like she used to be, and so why should I let her read this? Yeah, it kind of sucks that I'm writing this crap and no one's ever going to read it. But...I just...I don't know. I'm just not supposed to let people into my head. I can't.

They fuck with me whether on purpose or not. I'm kind of sad about it. I deleted my Facebook (again), too, and I liked having it and talking to Alex and Shoe on it. But whatever, we can text.

Torie asked why do I look sad all the time, and I told her I'm just a modern day Edgar Allen Poe I guess. She said I should cheer up. I didn't say anything, but I really am trying to work on that. I feel like I've made a lot progress and learned a lot of things about myself. I mean I've even been pretty content lately, but that's only because of Dora and I'm getting rid of her. So what happens after she's gone?

Tonight was a lot better for me. Mom is chill now, and we get along forgetting anything happened. We picked up some Pop Eyes (a shit ton of chicken, fries, and biscuits), and I got to rent Transformers 3. We all ate in the living room while watching the movie which turned out to be a long ass movie. I enjoyed it a lot; it just seemed to drag on forever.

Alex didn't even finish it. He went off to play Battlefield 3 some more saying he doesn't like Transformers. What a loser. Even mom finished, and enjoyed the movie. Either way, it was all nice.

I hope to fucking Christ that work goes better tomorrow, because I just need to chill and I can't take all that shit anymore. Tonight was nice, but the day was so shitty.

Work was bad today. It was really busy, there were angry customers, and everyone kept picking on me. I snapped a little. I told one guy to stop fucking with me all the time. I have my own problems, and I don't need this extra shit from work.

I was thinking most people would just say "you should be nice to me on my birthday," but I didn't care that it was my birthday and they wouldn't either.

Some people on Facebook did tell me happy birthday. I'm surprised Alex didn't, given the nature of our conversation last night. That's why I stopped talking to her. She has a way of making me think she cares more than she really does. Although, I deserve it for not being there for her birthday earlier this year.

Today's just a bad day. I'm not trying to make it out to be that it should be a good day just, because it's my birthday. It's just another day, and who cares.

Never mind. Doesn't look like I'll be kicked out. Happy birthday present for me.

I had all kinds of scenario's play out in my head, though. Dora offered to let me stay at her place, but there's no way in fucking hell I'm living at someone else's parents house.  I, of course, explained it in a nicer manner to her. Alex said I could stay at her place. I actually thought it'd be cool. I mean we always did wanna see each other. But ultimately, I thought about just driving to Seattle, and starting everything over. Then I thought about kidnapping Alex, and taking her to Seattle, too. I think she'd appreciate it.

Anyways, lately, everything has been different for me. Dora seems to be moving fast, and I'm not really digging it. In fact, when she was over here for two days, I actually started to feel like how I'd feel when a friend came over to my apartment after they'd been there a while. I felt like I wanted her to leave, so I could be alone.

Not that she was a crappy person to hang out with, I just can't stand people's company for too long. There is the other problem where I started to feel like I didn't want to be with her anymore. I thought, at first, that it was my darkness. But it's just my own asshole-ness.

I think after Alex, I just don't know feel it anymore. Alex and I had the kind of relationship I want, and now it's hard to settle for something that isn't that. We were cute together and acted like kids. Dora is "all grown up," doesn't go for my jokes, and smokes a pack of cigs a day. I thought I could get over that, but it sucks breathing that shit. I told her how I used to be really big into straight edge and that I still was, I just didn't wear it on my sleeves. That's a lame concept to her. So, yeah. It's hard to like this girl too much after Alex.

This isn't to say Dora is horrible. She's cool, and she's really nice. I'm just really really bad at this. I've been acting like I know exactly what I want, and when I get it, I just want to back the fuck out. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll just ride it out, and see what happens. I just feel like everything's gotten serious all of a sudden, and now it's too late to just say "hey, this isn't working out."

I'll admit, I kind of missed my dynamic with Alex this morning. But work dissolved that pretty quickly. Work was super busy for a while there, but it looks like it'll be calming down finally.

Yesterday, I picked up Rage. A game that I've been waiting for a long time. Even Alex thought it looked cool. I really am talking a lot about her a lot tonight (someone I've only talked to like three times in the last month). The opening song for Rage was really awesome. Doom 3 had dumb metal music, but this....this is good.

Well, my mom's kicking me out. Gotta pack up tomorrow. Happy birthday to me.

Last night, I was supposed to work 12-7, but the guy coming in called in sick, so I had to cover him. I ended up doing 12-9. I was supposed to be off today, but I had to cover another shift and did 4-9. I will literally be doing nothing for the next two days, because I'm sick of working.

Lennon got a Kingdom Hearts manga at his school book fair, because it looked cool. When I told him I have most of the games, he was pretty stoked. He's been playing KH2 for the last few days. He's playing now, too. He's still only 8, so I put some cheats on it for him, especially because the bosses get insanely hard later on. This is has all rekindled my love for KH, so I think I may go get re:Coded for DS tomorrow.

FUCK!! Kalisto just jumped on my bed out of nowhere, and scared the shit out of me. T_____T

I sent this picture to Shoe, and told him about how I just got done putting all those vacuums up there, and he said "dude, hooking up with women and doing man work like that? thats some serious BAMF activities"

I looked up BAMF, and apparently, it means bad ass mothefucker. So, that's what I am. I have sex, and do physical labor. I guess I am pretty cool.

Speaking of sex, I'm looking forward to spending the next two days with Dora. And speaking of spending time with people, I have no online friends anymore. I did reactivate my FB and Dora wanted me to keep it up, so whatever. I just deleted all the online friends on there, except like Geoff. Also, Alex. She and I don't talk anymore, but I keep her on there just because. I don't really have a reason to, because we're not really friends. But eh.

Lennon wants to play Final Fantasy XIII. Shoe keeps saying he's the coolest 8 year old in the world, because I've started getting him to video games.

So I spent the night at Dora's last night. It was fun. We went to Zaxby's, and went to a bar. We hung out with her gay best friend a little bit. We didn't really do anything at her house. We just hung out.

She eventually put a movie on, but we didn't even make it pass the trailers. We ended up having sex. Twice. And then we had sex this morning before I left for work. It was pretty sweet. 

I felt a little bad at first, but then she told me what we did was a good thing and that we're okay and all that. So I guess I don't have to worry about her disappearing like Emily.

She's gonna come to my house and spend the night on Monday, because I have that day and Tuesday off. We'll have more to do there, because she wants to play my PS3. It also turns out she's a big Aquabats fan, so I obviously had to bring up Mega64 and how they use Aquabats music. So she wants to watch that, too. I really didn't even care to mention Mega64 with her or anything. It just seemed natural since we were listening to The Aquabats.

You should see the way I walked past our graveyard, and wished the way in choked collars until the coins in your pocket sold a flower to her. I'm ghost powdered in that you pushed me in a trench coat, and you said don't move to fast or I'll lose the smell of a recent shower I took with her. 


Where are the others from long ago before? And how come the dead could come to the kitchen to mourn? When I'm hungry, you're gonna be a soaked car on vacation in the morn. Give me to time to get up. Set up the siren before I set out. We were snowing on nobodies underbelly treating ourselves like a scarce collection.


I can scream up a fairies stick, and I can hold up to these holes in my shoulders. It can run along like a dog, and keep me grounded round my ankles if you don't crush them with a wet pocket. I am nobodies boyfriend even if there's room for a smith. I am delighted in our love that stormed in through my window. I know you're listening.


I can play The Sims, but there's no room for you in my city. You'll never know if I'm happy. If there's anything we should know is if you're living a good life, and even then, you're gonna have to be crafty. Boys; they hold up their hands for the population remedy to stay alive. It's wonderful.

Lately, I've been doing pretty okay. Dora likes to talk till like two or three in the morning, so I've been really tired. I don't mind talking all night, but I'm so tired during work. -__- Last night, she opened up a lot. I found some pretty dark things about her, and she was glad it didn't scare me off. She also said something about stealing a pair of my boxers, and my PS3. Great. T______T

Her plane lands at like one in the morning tonight, so I'm probably going to take advantage of that and go to bed earlier tonight, though. I really need it.

I'm in a really weird mood tonight. I don't really know what it is. I feel calm, but slightly and physically uncomfortable. I was kind of an asshole at work today. I felt like my old self a little. This really friendly girl there asked if I liked her (as in friends), and I was like "nope!" Eh. There were other things that I did like I kept imitating Steve's (who has autism) grunt noise every time he picked up something heavy. Andrew and I were laughing so hard. I haven't laughed that loud in a really long time. But I realized it was bothering Steve, so I stopped. I also tried to make him feel better by giving him high fives and getting him to dance with me when a good song came on the radio.

The thing is is that I wasn't making fun of him. Everyone picks on everyone, and I thought the excessive grunt he made was funny.

Next week, I have Sunday through Tuesday off which is freaking sweet. Dora will be happy to know we can hang out for three days. I'm supposed to be spending the night with her on Friday night, too, so we'll be seeing each other a lot.

I learned that her gay male best friend has the same birthday as me, but she told me that he'll be with family that day and she'll come spend the night with me that night. We won't have sex or anything. The point about that is that instead of being with her best friend who she's known forever, she wants to be with me instead. I told her that would be the best birthday present.

So, yeah. Everything's pleasantly nice lately. It's also been raining a lot, so that's neat.

Oh, yeah. I did a painting of Dora. It's not my best, but I like it. Her hair is cool. She said she likes doing different colors like the girl from Scott Pilgrim.

I hate myself.

I am not very happy today. Nor was I yesterday. It sucks when I fall for someone who doesn't talk a lot. Today, she told me she wouldn't have anything going on, so she'd talk to me a lot. I haven't heard from her at all really.

I called her on my lunch, but we didn't talk much. She kept telling me she'd get on Yahoo. She told me so many times today. She texted me that she was about to shower, and she'd be online. That was two hours ago. She was on FB, though. She was online, but she didn't talk to me or anything.

I know she doesn't like talking a lot, and she's probably busy (even though she said she wasn't today). She'd probably by really turned off by me feeling this way, because she doesn't really like a lot of affection. So why would she like some loser being depressed about not hearing from her? I'm just not good at not hearing from someone I like. I get really depressed, and my mind tells me the shittiest things.

It tells me things like "she doesn't like you as much as you think," and I get to the point where I don't know what to believe. I never expect anything good to happen to me, and I don't know why I should believe something like this is really happening. I just really want to believe it, but it's hard to believe it being the lame type of person that needs to be in contact all the time.

I really don't like myself for being this way.





I ended copying this post into a message to her, and let her know that while I worried about scaring her off, I rather let her know and be rejected than hold it in all the time. Not too long after sending it to her, she had texted me telling me sorry and that she had spent the last two hours hugging a toilet because she was sick.


I felt stupid about the message and let her know it. She read it afterwards, though, and she said "we need to have a serious talk about your abandonment issues." I was really worried, because I thought she was annoyed. But really, she wanted to talk about it and figure out a way for me to feel better, and not end up mistrusting her even worse.

She suggested having a particular time where we talk on the phone, and she even wrote down the times in her notebook (in which she only stores "important" information). I was surprised at her willingness to find a solution, and she told me that she really wanted to make this work.

So, like always, I over-worried about nothing, but the difference is that I found someone who wanted to help this time and it makes me happy. I got lucky this time.

That ain't no god, it's just a burning bush.

I gave Kalisto some tuna, and she was like DDDDDDD:


That and this video has made me day start off very nicely.

New album, and new possible relationship.

Apparently, this shit is real. I mean it just got real. This girl likes me a lot, and has expressed her want in being with me. She's told me how she doesn't want to have sex till at least after a month until after we've started officially dating, because she likes sex but she wants us to be real. She told me that she feels a strong connection with me, and is ecstatic that she met me.

This shit is scary.

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to have met someone that seems real, and something real is going to happen. I'm playing it safe, though. I told her how a lot of girls have fucked me over bad. I told her about Emily (the whore, not the ex), and Kara (both times). But then she told me that she's been cheated on so many times, that it's apparently not funny. She let me know that if I don't hurt her, then she won't hurt me. And that if it came to it, she'd rather talk it out than just "vanish" like I put it.

My mind is so terrified. It's like "FUCK YEAH." But it's also hiding it the corner. It doesn't matter if I'm scared, because this could be it and I want to see if it is.

So, there's that.

There's also the fact that Interpol had a new album come out last year. I knew that one was coming, but I thought it came out next year. No one fucking told me. I like it, though. It's like "Antics", but more experimental. It's not like "Our Love To Admire," and while I did like that album, I'm still glad it's not like it so much. It was really different in good ways, but it was also too different from what I fell in love with.


I've always been depressed that I could never look as sweet as they do.

 

Work was better today. I wasn't feeling as sensitive, and I made jokes again. The manager yelled at us, because the maternity boxes that get dropped off by UPS "were missing." We told him UPS hadn't come yet, but the bitch that's in charge of maternity clothes is an uppity and ornery idiot that doesn't believe us. I mean....it doesn't make sense. The manager said he'd find out who got rid of it by checking who signed for the UPS.

what the fuuuuuuuuuu

Anyways, UPS literally arrived ten minutes later, and we were like "Hey, UPS is here with maternity shit." After yelling and getting on our case, all he can say is "Alright." Fucking people.

I went to a bar after work. I had a burger where the buns were grilled cheeses. I also had a beer, because it was a bar. But then I got a sweet tea, because beer tastes bad. They were playing The Postal Service which was weird, but I can't complain because I like them.

That girl that I felt stupid for talking to, because I had decided to stop talking to people online has turned out to be cool. She had to go to Texas for the week, but we talk on the phone. We'll see each other when she gets back. She said she was going to make me chicken alfredo which is....sweet.

She's really cute in a "shy looking" type of way.

Either way, things are going nicely. I'm not being overbearing with her, and she seems pretty genuine. I told her I have an imaginary friend just out of no where, and she said she had one, too. It was obvious we'd get along at that point.

I got my car back today. It cost $700. sigh. I used my savings, though, so whatever. And it's not like I really have anything else to pay for now that Chris doesn't want to get an apartment together anymore. I did get my first bill for my student loans, though. It's only $350 a month which isn't too bad. I make around $700 a month.

From bad to....good?

Work today was not like I wish it could always be. Everyone was bullshitting (like they always do), but they just kept going...and going. I can't really take that much. It sucked, because I was really bummed out and stayed quiet during work the whole time. It was kind of cool, because I played Interpol off my phone from the boom box. So at least I had that.

On my way home, my engine started smoking. Luckily, I was close to a car shop and pulled in. Alex had to come get me, and mom and I will stop by in the morning to get them to look at it. She'll have to drop me off at work. I'm not really pissed or upset. It's just really inconvient. Hopefully, it's fixed soon.

I happened to have Skype turned on on my phone, and I noticed Ryn had said "Howdy." That was a pretty...big surprise. Apparently, she misses me. She wants to talk again, and the reason she didn't do so earlier was because her phone was broken. I'm surprised she still has my number. Of course, I couldn't help but think "Is this gonna be another Kara?" But then I thought Ryn's different. I mean...she stopped talking to me, but not because of a stupid reason or stopped talking to me randomly. She said after payday, she'd like to meet up somewhere. So hopefully, like I said before, my car will be fixed soon.

I always thought she was a good friend, so yeah...it's nice to see her again.

It's kind of funny, because at work, all I could think about was getting home and playing Deus Ex. I haven't wanted to rush home to play a game that bad since like high school. I played for about 3 hours, and had pizza rolls for dinner with Alex. The day started rough, but all in all, it ended nicely.

It's not every day that a bad day doesn't turn worse for me.

Weirdo cat.

I'm trying to watch a video, but Kalisto has been pacing on my computer table for a while now rubbing her face and fat belly on my face, and whacking me with her tail. T________T

I played Final Fantasy XIII for five straight hours. Good night.

I've been whistling this song for about a week now at work, and I'm only just now taking the time to listen to the actual song.

 

I can feel myself slowly being bummed out as the day goes on. 

I also just got an email from Tumblr. I forgot I had made one before asking Alex if I should make one. I assumed she'd be cool with it. Now that I remember I have one, I don't care to try it out or anything, because what would be the point? It's not like I'm going to talk to anyone on there. 

I'm going to think about what I want for dinner for the next hour, and then be disappointed by our lack of food here. 

I got no idea.

I haven't done anything that I thought I'd do during my day off. I've literally just sat around. I played with Kalisto some, and ate cereal and watched the new GTTV. I guess I don't tend to really do anything fun till the early evening. I've always been like that, and I don't know why. I'm just so bad at doing things.

Everyone is talking about the Star Wars Blu-ray since it's coming out this month, or maybe it's already out. I was really excited about it when I was dating Alex, mainly because I was excited to watch it with her. But now, I don't really care about it. I mean it's just Star Wars I guess. Everything's more fun and interesting when you're doing it with a loved one.

That's probably why I do stuff in the evening, because I can hang out with my brothers and it's more fun that way. I guess I don't really enjoy anything on my own.

I don't know what I feel lately. I feel a little lost. I'm not exactly depressed, or happy. I think I feel a lot of things lately, but they're very dulled out and feel intertwined. That's probably why I feel lost. I have no idea what I want, or what I really want to do. And when there's something I know I want, when I'm close to having it or I do get it, I'm just like....whatever.

Typical human behavior if you ask me. We want what we don't have, and don't want what we do have. It feels primitive. You'd think after however long we've existed, we'd learn to appreciate shit more, and evolve as a species. We're still fighting wars over religion as if the Crusades never ended, so no, I don't expect people as a race to ever really become a better thing. I guess thinking like that plays a part in what makes me strive to be a better individual. Which is extremely hard.

I honestly don't know where that whole paragraph came from. I usually write about "ALEX HURT MY FEELINGS" or "NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME." I guess ranting about real issues and not my lame ass insecurities is a better thing to do.

I'm nice.

Today was pretty nice. Work was fun. Alex, mom, and Lennon went to the mall and they came and saw me. They ended up running into me while I was just starting my lunch. Mom wanted to shop, and they were basically waiting till I got off so we could go out and eat. It was just kind of funny to walk out into the main part of Sears, and see Alex dancing and Lennon waving.

We ate at Golden Choral which was sweet. I got steak, mac and cheese, fried chicken, pizza. It was pretty sweet. I was making walrus noises, and mom kept laughing till tears came to her eyes. She was trying to tell me to stop, but she couldn't It was a good time.

At my job, if you're closing, then you can't just clock out and leave. We have to stay a little later in case there are any last minute customers. While waiting for permission to leave, all of us, and the LP (Loss and Prevention) on duty were bullshitting. I've been getting a lot better at it, and not getting sad when I'm "picked on."

The LP likes to mess with everyone, and he was getting on me this time. He kept going on about how he's "all that," and he eventually said "God broke the mold when he made me," and I came back super quickly with "Yeah, he broke something." He had the biggest T_______T face ever, and everyone busted out laughing so hard. I smiled really big, and basked in my great comeback. It was awesome, because I'm becoming one of the guys.

Tonight, I finally played Final Fantasy XIII some more with Lennon. It reminded me how much I love that game, so I'll definitely be playing it a lot on my days off tomorrow and Tuesday. Today was good.

Real sadness.

Kalisto was digging her claws into my chair (like cats do), and one of her nails got stuck. Her pupils were really big, and she started freaking out a little because she couldn't get free. I helped her get free, and now she's laying next to me. Forget everything else that makes me depressed. Seeing her that scared made me extremely sad.

I just got done downloading Photoshop onto my new computer, so I'll have something to do on Monday and Tuesday since I'm off on those days. Hopefully, that'll keep me from freaking out over being alone for two days.

Anticipation.

After work, I sat in my car in the parking lot for a while. I really did not want to go home. I eventually went through the drive through at McDonald's, and ate in the parking lot there. It took me a little over an hour to go home after getting off of work. Just sitting here makes me so depressed. I'm left here alone with my thoughts.

When I'm sitting in my car doing nothing, I'm so calm. My thoughts are there, but it doesn't feel as dreadful. I thought about how when I'm depressed, I used to try thinking about the fact that everyone feels this way. Everyone goes through life depressed, and it's not just me. But thinking about it that way just makes me feel sad. If everyone feels this way, why aren't we more eager to be nicer to people or give out a hand? It's sad that everyone can be depressed, and still not care about anything but themselves.

I also thought about how when I was trying to meet someone why was it so hard? But then I thought that maybe that was normal. When Emily and I started dating, it was so easy for us. We already knew each other for about a year, before we started seeing each other and before I asked her out. We saw each other all the time at school and even shared a locker, and we hung out at each others houses five days a week. Our relationship was extremely easy, and that's why it flourished.

With Alex, I can't even remember how we kept talking to each other, because we fought so much early on before changing ourselves for each other. We didn't know each other at all. I wish I knew why and how we ended up together, because it doesn't work with anyone else.

It feels like something's going to happen pretty soon. This whole week has been depressing, and I just have a feeling next week, something is going to happen. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. Maybe it's the fact that I got on Skype for the first time in a long time, and Ryn was on there and we had the briefest conversation in the world. I hope something nice will happen next week, because I don't like how everything has been lately.

Listening to Interpol on the way to work. God, I feel so good right now.

Trying really hard to enjoy life.

Tonight has be considerably better than last night. I guess, because I talked to people online rather than sat around till I became depressed and talked to people. I don't know what to do. I really want to learn to be okay on my own, but it's so boring and depressing. I really just need to make irl friends, but I don't know where to go to meet people.

It doesn't help at all that I'm talking to another girl. Sigh. I really shouldn't, but she seems to like me and she's cool. But I'm already at the stage where I get fucked up and freak out when I don't hear from her. It's because she can't text, and she's never online. We talk on the phone. We talked earlier, and she said she'd call me back...but that never happened. It really sucks so much. I don't want to feel like this, but I don't want to be completely alone.

I do really enjoy having friends at work. It's honestly the highlight of my day. Working is stressful, tiring, but it's fun to be with friends. Today was really good. I laughed a lot, and it was nice.

Alex has not said anything to me. Her Tumblr had a post about "You're dead to me." I have no idea if it's directed to me, or it's just another of her "yeah, I'm hxc" post. I honestly feel like it's directed to me. I don't think about it too much, though. I don't think about her, either. This really is it between us. I'm moving on, and she has her shitty "boyfriend." The sad thing is I'll probably still have to work to get over her. I mean I still think of Emily, so....that sucks.

Life is boring, and not the good, simplified boring I'd like. Some days, my day is boring but it's nice and I enjoy being quiet and keeping to myself. But lately, I'm starving for connection. I'm sure this phase will burn out within the week like everything else does.

I bought Darksiders on Steam for $5. That was cool, because I was thinking I wanted to play it again before the second game comes out. Ugh. So many games on my plate right now, and I honestly have no idea what to do. I'm a little sad to have my computer, because I was enjoying Final Fantasy XIII so much, and now I just can't feel fucked to play it.