Tonight, I went out to eat at El J's. When we were leaving, I saw a girl that looked a lot like Emily, and, of course, I nearly had a panic attack where my breathing started getting crazy and my heart started beating super hard. It wasn't fun. I got it under control as fast as I could, because I didn't want mom or the Herbs to ask what was wrong. I've really learned that my mom is just not understanding when it comes to that subject, or any subject that has to do with me dealing with emotional problems.

I did do some thinking afterwards, though. I thought how shitty it is that I still can't not fall apart if I see Emily. I was fucked up from just seeing her parents at Sears. I don't know if it means that I'm just still completely not over her. I tried to think of other reasons why I'd still react like this. I had a good reason before, but I can't remember it now.

It kind of excites me more; the prospect of moving to Seattle. God, I would never have to worry about seeing anyone I know. I literally worry about seeing Emily at places here. It makes me feel pathetic, but I think it may be normal...for some. I think it kind of shows how deeply in love I really was with her no matter how bad things got. But I rather not think about that.

I feel lonely.