I'm entering a new (not really new for me) phase. I finally got tired of being silent all the time. It got boring, and I became lonely. So how does my mind react? I become a dick again. I try to come off as joking, but I know some of it is really coming off as a serious attitude problem.

I was also a little angry today at work. I don't really know why, either. I was just angry for no reason. That and being an asshole...well it isn't a nice thing to be, but I also just don't care right now. I ultimately just want to be distracted from everything, and this works for now. I'll probably go back to being quiet soon enough.

I admit I rather do enjoy just being silent and keeping to myself is more enjoyable, but that's only because I tend to romanticize it as if everyone's wondering what's going on inside me, but really, no one's paying attention and I guess that's half the point. But the other part of romanticizing it from these rare days I'll have where I'm genuinely and 100% content. I just feel nice and quiet, and I literally am not thinking about anything. It's peaceful, and being a dickhead is destructive and chaotic for me.

I don't care to be like that, but it's only a reaction to needing my bare need of human contact. Once, I've had my full, I'll go back to "normal." It is kind of funny how I reach out for connection by being a jerk, but only to people I know which right now is my co-workers. People, like the ones at Chik-Fil-A, I am a lot nicer and outgoing. I never was good at treating the right people the way I should treat them, I guess.

Another thing I'd like to talk about for once is my atheism. I am an Atheist, and people just...cannot understand it I think. Some people think that means I worship the devil (who I don't believe in), and some people just don't believe me. They think I'm just "acting out," or going through a phase. I can see how people would have thought about me back in 9th grade when I decided I was an Atheist, but that was about nine years ago (shit, that was a long ass time ago...).

The fact is that I'm using, what I think, is logic. A god, be that the Christian god or any god, just doesn't sound real to me. It's all based around blind faith, and the need to feel like there's more out there. But the fact that I'm a huge pessimist being able to live without religious hope also helps me to see that it's really just the idea a very core human want: eternal life.

Everyone wants to live forever, and the idea of dying is scary. We can't live forever, but we can have kids and pass on our blood. Why are people so obsessed with passing on their name or blood? It's the idea of living forever. It's just pretty basic to me.

That doesn't mean that I believe in evolution, or anything. I mean I realize if I don't believe in god, then it must be evolution. But really, I don't care too much about where we came from. It's what happens after we die that I'm more passionate about, and I just believe that nothing happens.