I'm just laying here. I don't really know how I've felt lately; not bad or good. It's been a little quiet which is nice. I feel like...I don't even know to be honest. I just don't feel, yet I feel like something should be there. Maybe it's just that I'm laying with nothing really going on.

I've been working a lot. The holidays are coming, and the workload has slowly been increasing. Yesterday, I got seven customers at once, and for the first time there, I had to run to get to something I needed. It wasn't a bad thing. It was kind of a rush. I asked my supervisor if I could have the 3AM shift for Black Friday, because I want to experience it.

I've been really quiet at work lately not really wanting to be friendly. Most people have noticed "something's wrong." Everyone's always talking about how I look sad and such. Alice said my art is garbage, and I've gone on ahead and written her off. Her trying to convert had already made me dislike her, but now she's done this. She's an annoying person.

Everyone at Chik-Fil-A said hey to me, and called me by my name. They talked to me. It was weird. I'd been wanting some friends, but all I could think about was "Please leave me alone." I pretty much have no idea what I want. I want some kind of crazy and impossible balance between having and not having friends.

The Fall video game line up is coming to a close. It was a pretty amazing year. I got a shit ton of games, and have two left to get. I'm also getting a new TV on Black Friday, and I can't wait.  Having a job has done wonders for me with being able to buy games. I literally didn't hold back, or have to decide which two or three games I really wanted. I just got everything I wanted. Surprisingly, I have been having a lot more fun playing MW3 MP than BF3. Alex keeps picking on me about it, but I like what I like I suppose.

Today, I thought about getting what you deserve. I didn't think of it as karma, but I guess that's pretty much what I'm talking about. I don't really believe in getting what you deserve. Nothing good or bad happens to you based on who you are or what you've done. When I thought about it, it felt so prominent. But now it just kind of like "duh." I think maybe I've been getting a more "take what you want" attitude, but it's not very clear yet. I think it's just a "having a job and no bills" phase, and just splurging till I'm back in the real world.

I feel like I should write about my feelings on wanting a girlfriend, but the fact is that I don't know right now. Obviously, I'd like to have someone that makes me happy and feel good. But it's just kind of scary. I'm genuinely intimidated by trying to find someone. But I'm also waiting for it to just happen, or at least that's how I hope it happens. That's how Alex and Emily happened. I feel like I'm looking without really doing so.

I guess I want one, but I think I don't really need one. Like, I can see that I think. I definitely don't need someone in my life to make me happy anymore. I've learned to finally do it on my own, and I think that certainly plays a part in being unsure about having a girlfriend. I'd be scared to start depending on someone, because I don't know, yet, how give myself to someone without depending on them.

Ultimately, I'm just scared. I realize that I'd like some company and someone to talk to, but I see pretty fucking clearly how it is for me when I get close to someone. It's just way better for me to stay by myself and admire from afar.