I have a very intense hatred for everyone. I can't really figure out if I want to feel this way or not. It's pretty much like anyone who says anything to me is going to get hurt, and I feel glad to hurt them.

I've also noticed I've become violent. I make "jokes" at work about physically hurting people when they "mess with me," but I can feel it in me. I have too much control over my actions to ever snap, though.

Any feelings of wanting to meet a girl is just a primal want. I don't want to connect. I really don't even want to meet.

Speaking of that, I was at my dads and Cathie's house. They asked if I'd met anyone, and I told them I wasn't interested. Cathie, whether she was genuinely concerned or not, talked to me about realizing "not interested" and a tattoo that says "Take It Easy; Love Nothing" came off as giving up. She talked to me about how I have a right to feel like I do, but I shouldn't try to ever move on. She talked to me about things I could do to better myself.

The fact is, and not that I didn't appreciate the talk, but I had tried really hard to get better. Having a shitty relationship with an otherwise okay girl for a year didn't help my case at all. I put too much stock into Alex, and ran myself into the ground. I wonder how I'd be if I never met her. Not even just her, though, but I tried a lot different things to feel better. The only thing that works is to stay away from everyone. I haven't really talked to anyone since I stopped talking to Alex.

Cathie put it pretty well, and that was that I've become a hermit "just going to work and then home to sleep." I always wished I was a hermit, and there I go. I succeeded.