I was hit with the sudden remembrance that...I don't really know. That I'm not happy, that no one cares about anything, that I'm alone. It's not such a great thing to remember. I honestly don't mind living a lie, and in ignorance. But I guess I can't even have that.

I sat at lunch today just looking at the table. I usually look around, and at everyone around me. I someday hope maybe I'll come to know someone. But I looked at my table the whole time knowing that I'm always going to be like this, and that I should consider any day where I can smile about anything a total blessing.

I had/have become okay with being alone. Or I at least convinced myself pretty well that I'm okay with it.  I was pretty sure I didn't need anyone, but the fact is that I'm so lonely and so uncared about. And it hurts a lot especially to know that it's....just always going to be like that.