Work was tons better today. I was basically with Tim and Andrew who are the only people I really get along with that well. They mess with me, but I know them better and can laugh with them. I mess with them, too, so it's all good. I was singing the Sailor Moon theme a lot, and Tim kept saying "I'm gonna kill em."

We started talking about sex, and I mentioned how I was with Dora. It led, somehow, into how I had unprotected sex and they started saying stuff like "Oh, man. You better hope you didn't get her pregnant." I knew she wasn't pregnant when I first thought about it before, but them saying that really fucked me up big time. I had to talk to Dora about it, and she calmed me down saying she had her period. But it still wasn't enough to make me feel completely better, but I'm sure it'll wear off soon.

I started talking about how we're moving too fast, and I wanted to slow down. She was annoyed, because she thought we were doing really well. She thought I worried way too much, and I have the self esteem "of a peanut."

The worst part is that I wanted to annoy her. I don't want her to like me anymore, so I'm sabotaging the relationship. I'm a very neat monster.

I feel bad about it, but I don't want to settle on someone who does cocaine and does nothing but sits in their room smoking cigs and weed. I mean really? I was seriously about to settle for her, and I just know I can't. She wants me to smoke weed and drink, and I can't do it. She's not pretty to me. You know her pictures were all old, and well...she doesn't look like that anymore. I was deceived. Whatever. I'm a shitty person like everyone else, but this isn't something I can just be happy with. The other worst part is that I can't really get rid of her till I'm sure she's not pregnant. She isn't, but motherfucker, I can't help my shitty self.

Ever since Alex broke up with me, I'm discovering I have some real commitment issues. Or I'm just waiting for someone who makes me feel that spark again.Either way, I'm going on a kind of hiatus about the whole thing. I'm tired of looking for someone. I just want to be left alone.

I made my blog private today. Alex is not my friend, and she doesn't need an all access pass into my life. Sure, if she texts, I'll respond. But she isn't important to me like she used to be, and so why should I let her read this? Yeah, it kind of sucks that I'm writing this crap and no one's ever going to read it. But...I just...I don't know. I'm just not supposed to let people into my head. I can't.

They fuck with me whether on purpose or not. I'm kind of sad about it. I deleted my Facebook (again), too, and I liked having it and talking to Alex and Shoe on it. But whatever, we can text.

Torie asked why do I look sad all the time, and I told her I'm just a modern day Edgar Allen Poe I guess. She said I should cheer up. I didn't say anything, but I really am trying to work on that. I feel like I've made a lot progress and learned a lot of things about myself. I mean I've even been pretty content lately, but that's only because of Dora and I'm getting rid of her. So what happens after she's gone?