I'm thinking about how much I've changed. I can see I'm a darker person in different sense than I can be. A real nothingness has taken root inside of me. It's not my darkness or any other kind of darkness, but a real feeling of uncaring for anything or anyone. I'm not like how I'd hate everyone, but I just don't see them. I think my utter desire to feel this way has finally happened.

I got rid of Alex, and I feel that much better without her in my life. A girl at work who claimed she was put in my life to help me see "Jesus' light" (like so many others have said), who used to be someone I liked talking to, has become no one to me in a matter of a day. I don't talk to most of my co-workers, and when I have to, I can feel this coldness in myself like "How dare they feel like they can come to me."

I'm not a very nice person. I'm still nice in the sense that it's not like I'm without my manners or anything.

What's helped me to feel this way is to have a keen remembrance of what it's like to be in a relationship. All there is is drama, and it makes everything complicated. I wouldn't be able to enjoy my lunch at work, because I'd be too busy feeling upset about something.

Another thing I keep in my memory is the way it feels to keep seeing some I loved. I don't bother looking at Alex's FB or Tumblr, because it hurts every time I see her face. There are other things that this example falls under; like any of the cute girls at work. I try not to see them as girls I could myself with, but as having something I wouldn't be able to stand.

I would not be able to stand the company of another person.

This is why it's an easy decision to stop looking for a relationship. Or why it's easy to kick Alex out of my life. The thing about all of this is that I tend to feel very dull from day to day. I don't feel depressed nearly as much, or particularly happy. I do still get excited about my shows and video games. They're the high light of my life, and I've come to really enjoy that. Having something like that that will never let me down like a person can do.

I'd like to be able to find a website where I can post things I write so that others can read it.