I've been thinking a little about my "dark passenger." Everyone has one, and I've been connecting with mine lately in a way that I'm not used to. I used to reject it, and want it to be gone. But now, I have a better idea of what my darkness is, and how that makes me into the person I am.

I'm a manipulator. In turn, that makes me a coward. I know this, because I hate confrontation and I rather snake my way through something than deal with it head on.

I've discovered from my co-workers that I'm very unemotional. This is funny, because my emotions are so strong on the inside and I never realized how I came across on the outside. One guy, last week, told me I have no emotion when I talk. He did something for me to keep me from getting in trouble and I said thank you, but he asked what does he have to do for me to give a sincere thank you. I felt like I was being pretty sincere.

I usually feel kind of content at work, but Torie, and I wrote about this before, thinks I look sad all the time even though I don't necessarily feel it. 

I never realized how I've set myself into this mold where I come across as empty. I'll admit that I feel that way a lot these days, but it's still kind of new. How long have I been this way looking dead? I don't think I must have been this way when I was dating Alex. I remember she didn't like when I'd smile at her on cam while laying down, so I must have....been smiling a lot.

So I guess this whole empty thing is new. I thought about how I had a few months where I wanted to feel nothing so bad, and maybe I got it in a way. I distribute no outward emotion. I can only guess it's a defense mechanism to keep people out.

What about keeping people out? I'm so scared to get really close to anyone anymore, and even when I do and wanted to, I have commitment issues I think.

My dark passenger has evolved. It used to be reckless and would control me, and it would tell me things that I wanted wasn't allowed. But now it feels like it's scared. That control isn't there anymore. I'm running scared myself on instinct, not because of my scared passenger.

There's more to it, and it goes a lot deeper. My darkness has creeped up some in the last few days. I snapped on a co-worker, and told him to stop fucking with me. But it's also crept up on me in less outward ways. A girl at Chik-Fil-A (all the workers recognize me, because I get a coke for lunch every day at work) kind of talked to me in "I recognize you way," but even then, I recognized that I felt nothing. This girl was amazingly cute (she's a red head), and I felt no want to really talk back. I just stared, and said thanks when she handed me the coke.

I've noticed on Tumblr, that Alex has been trying to talk to this guy. If she's really like me, she'll just end up hurt. I guess I recognize that there's no point in trying to talk to a friendly girl, because I know I'll just get hurt.

So there it is. I have become an emotionless shell of a person. I think it's nice in a way. I'm protected by who I've become. But if I stay this way for too long, I'll be so damaged, I won't know how to talk to anyone at all anymore.