I saw that Emily had a new profile picture of her and her boyfriend. I sat here and just stared at it. I studied the way she looks; she looks the same as I remember her. Except there's some other guy next to her that even looks like me, but isn't me.

It's not fair...I don't know why I do this to myself.

Every time I see her, I get that old feeling where no one cares about me. And then I can't help but actually piece together why and how no one really does care about me. I have a need to to actually sit here, and make myself depressed.

So let's see what I came up with.



Emily: broke up with me after four years, and seemed to have moved on pretty easily.

Evan: stopped being my best friend after eighteen years over a joke I made about his girlfriend of one or so months. He also didn't respond to my message when I tried to talk to him two years later.

Alex: broke up with me. Even after trying hard to stay friends, she lives on easily without me and only cares about creeping on me on my blog.

Mom: called me lazy when I admitted I wished I was dead. Doesn't try to understand me about anything, and continues to judge me.

Dad: cares more about my brother than me even after I went out of my way to visit him a lot, and Alex hadn't stayed in touch for years. When I'd visit, he'd only ask about Alex, and now that he's in his life, he never talks to me anymore.



These are all the people that have really mattered to me, and if they can all stop caring about me so easily, I don't see how anyone could. In the last year or so, I've developed a taste for hurting people. I'd always get off on upsetting Alex, talking shit about Christianity to Kara, throwing Dora away after she fell for me. No one cares about me, and even if someone actually started to, I'd just hurt them.

So look at me. I'm bound to be alone forever.



The highlight of my day was driving in the rain tonight, with my hoodie on (hood up) to stay warm, and listening to Deadmau5. I wish I could be that content always, but I guess it takes all the shit I get for me to really enjoy little moments like that.