I hate myself.

I am not very happy today. Nor was I yesterday. It sucks when I fall for someone who doesn't talk a lot. Today, she told me she wouldn't have anything going on, so she'd talk to me a lot. I haven't heard from her at all really.

I called her on my lunch, but we didn't talk much. She kept telling me she'd get on Yahoo. She told me so many times today. She texted me that she was about to shower, and she'd be online. That was two hours ago. She was on FB, though. She was online, but she didn't talk to me or anything.

I know she doesn't like talking a lot, and she's probably busy (even though she said she wasn't today). She'd probably by really turned off by me feeling this way, because she doesn't really like a lot of affection. So why would she like some loser being depressed about not hearing from her? I'm just not good at not hearing from someone I like. I get really depressed, and my mind tells me the shittiest things.

It tells me things like "she doesn't like you as much as you think," and I get to the point where I don't know what to believe. I never expect anything good to happen to me, and I don't know why I should believe something like this is really happening. I just really want to believe it, but it's hard to believe it being the lame type of person that needs to be in contact all the time.

I really don't like myself for being this way.





I ended copying this post into a message to her, and let her know that while I worried about scaring her off, I rather let her know and be rejected than hold it in all the time. Not too long after sending it to her, she had texted me telling me sorry and that she had spent the last two hours hugging a toilet because she was sick.


I felt stupid about the message and let her know it. She read it afterwards, though, and she said "we need to have a serious talk about your abandonment issues." I was really worried, because I thought she was annoyed. But really, she wanted to talk about it and figure out a way for me to feel better, and not end up mistrusting her even worse.

She suggested having a particular time where we talk on the phone, and she even wrote down the times in her notebook (in which she only stores "important" information). I was surprised at her willingness to find a solution, and she told me that she really wanted to make this work.

So, like always, I over-worried about nothing, but the difference is that I found someone who wanted to help this time and it makes me happy. I got lucky this time.