Moved on.

I think I've finally gotten to a certain point in life that I've been trying to get to for a while now; ever since I started to initially get over Emily. I'm finally at that point where I don't feel a need or have a desire to try and meet someone. It's not like before where I just wanted solitude, because I hated everyone. I genuinely want to just learn to like myself again. I already have a ton of things that I love, and I just need to embrace them like I've been doing without thinking about "I wish I had a girlfriend to do this with."

The funny thing is is that I almost got to that point before I met Alex. It was easier to do something like this, because I lived in the middle of the city and I could just walk around and enjoy the scenes and doing some people watching. I don't know; just little things like that.

Once I met Alex, I learned pretty hard that I shouldn't be in a relationship yet anyways. That's not to say my love for her wasn't/isn't real, or that I regret dating her. I learned a lot about myself, and I made a really good friend out of the whole thing. In fact, right now, I probably wouldn't be doing as well if I didn't have her to still talk to.

I did have my clingy phase after our break up. I didn't really have a desire to still be with her romantically, but....I don't really know what it was I wanted. I just wanted to know I was still important to her. I've gotten to a point where I realize I am important to her, and I don't need to hear her say it. I don't really have any needs as far as she goes, and I think it's made our relationship a more healthy one.

I still feel a slight sting when she talks about stuff like being Brian's first, but it's not like it was before where I would fall apart from it. Now, it's like a natural aftermath that I can easily move on from, and I don't have to feel awkward talking to Alex and shit like that. I guess I've really gotten to a point, finally, where I can just move on from things.

If things between Kara and I don't work, I won't really care. I like that. I like her, too, but I don't depend on her to make me happy like I did with all the other girls. That was my problem. I depended on everyone to make me happy. When Alex and I got into that big fight, and Ryn left me, I figured out that I could be pretty happy and enjoy life on my own. So, I never want to depend on anyone else again. In fact, I feel kind of sick at the thought of ever depending on someone.

But does that come with some bad stuff, too? I feel like it does. I feel like I'll never really care as deeply as I could. But honestly, I just haven't met the right person I guess. I still think Alex was very right for me, and having a fiery desire to get her to like all the things I like only stemmed from having a long distance relationship. In person, I wouldn't have cared. But that's just something, I think we both agree on, which is we were fucked by living too far apart. I should consider myself very lucky to have her in my life as a friend.

But what about when I'm like....27, 28.....30? Are we really going to keep an online relationship with each other? It scares me to think about. I honestly like to romantically think we'll end up together in person, but only because I don't want to think about the very real idea that our friendship has a timer.

We'll get to that when it happens. Right now, I just....I'm doing good in a way. I still have some nights where I feel extremely lonely, but it doesn't happen too often at least.