Bored.

I go to bed every night now begging to fall asleep. I'm going through a phase where my mind likes to wander ridiculously about things that ultimately don't bother me anymore. I go from being used by Emily, to my shitty "relationship" with Kara, to my old relationships with Emily and Alex. It's really no fun. It's like a nightmare, except it's still there even if I open my eyes.

This morning, I felt like looking through my old phone, the one I had before my iPhone. I don't know why I didn't think about this, but I ended up walking to a place that was unsafe for me. Half of all of my pictures were of Alex, and pretty much all the texts were from her, too. I didn't need the reminder.

But then I thought about how it may have been nice to get texts saying "I love you" all the time and cute little texts, but that versus not ever seeing her and being upset all the time due to the frustration of not seeing her? It's not worth the cute texts. I guess I don't mind being alone.

I was supposed to go into work at 5 today, but my supervisor needs me to come in 1 now. So I work 1-9. And then, I had a day off on Monday, but he needs me to come in that day now, too. That sucks.

The one guy I actually have a lot of fun working with, Tim, might be getting fired. We were talking about how busy it'll get during Christmas and how we'll be hiring two new seasonal workers, and he said "Yeah, we'll be getting some new bitches back here!", and our HR lady heard him. Apparently, she thought he was calling her a bitch, and now he might get fired because of it. My supervisor was there and he's best friends with Tim, so I hope he can save his job, because it'll be a lot more boring with Tim.

He started crying, though. Losing a job is tough. I didn't lose my job, but even I was freaking out badly the whole time when I thought I was going to lose it. Everyone was huddled around him, and I kept working. I didn't want to be around that, and I didn't know how to handle it. Ultimately, I thought better him than me. I remember I used to be so caring about everyone, even if they were mean. But wouldn't you know I've been pushed and shoved into finally only caring about myself. That's what this world has done to me.

Ever since my depression struck back the other day, I've just been riding this dull wave of nothingness I guess. When I explained that I didn't care if things were crappy with Kara, Alex said that was good and she's right. It is good. I like not caring about anyone or anything. I'm always lonely, but at least I'm never in any real pain.