Today was the day that Kara told me she was going to talk to me, and prove that she really wants to be with me. Except we didn't really talk much today. It would take her hours at time to respond to me, and I got to spend that time freaking out about it. I hate to leave my lonely but comfortable life for this pain I spent the last two months running away from.
I'm not a very good or smart person. I'm not very strong, either. I'm too hopeful and naive for my own good, and that's why it's so easy for me to run back to her to see if we could have something real. I'm not a very surprising person, though, because love is all I ever really want.
We did talk more later tonight when she wasn't busy anymore, but it felt so different. Leaving me like that may have really fucked us up. I decided to try and do the impossible (again), and keep my insecurities to myself and try to keep riding this wave. My paranoia and pessimism are usually what really ruins everything, and I, somehow, honestly believe this girl wants me.
Alex and I talked about it a little, but it wasn't really about anything I didn't already know myself. We had a kind of reminiscing thing going on about our old relationship, and how we drew the short straw in life.
We also talked about Brian. After the whole ordeal with us before, I am very surprised to find myself in this situation.
To be honest, this blog has helped me start to realize how temporary everything really is, and it helps me realize there's no point in really holding grudges and staying upset.
The truth is that, despite our fights, Alex is basically still my best friend and I'm there for her. I think the fight from before is just something that needed to happen. It pushed me to snap out of my romantic view and want of us. I kind of feel like she's my best friend, and I don't really care if that's what I am or not to her. I don't need to fight for her affection, and I've come to terms with the fact that she does have some affection for me hidden away. So it's just....like being regular friends.
She's angry at Brian, though. I'm glad it's not me getting my ass chewed up by her, because I still have vivid memories of what it's like to be on the side of that table.
Two weeks ago was that shitty "fight" between me and Alex. Last week was about feeling nothing, and this week is about trying to ride the wave carefree. This blog has helped me to see that every week has a different theme. I'm glad I started and kept up with this blog.
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