At a crossroads.

I was having a really nice Saturday. Alex, my brother, and I cleaned the house while mom was at a Braves game with Lennon. We were cutting up and laughing a lot, and it was a lot of fun. Afterwards, we decided to go to Popeye's and got a huge load of chicken and biscuits. I had some fresh sweet tea made yesterday, and I put in Shaun of the Dead. It was definitely the best reward I could ask for after cleaning all day.

I've gotten to a point where I'm comfortable with my relationship how it is now with Alex. I'm not feeling clingy about her anymore. But I still did think having her there as a friend would've been fun. I know she's all about some good food and Shaun of the Dead.

So, it was a nice Saturday. But then I got a text from Kara. I uh....I still feel lost about this three hours later. Kara was so nice and so sweet. She was the only person I'd met, while trying to meet a bunch of girls, that I really connected to. We both connected to each other, and had high hopes for the future with each. She wasn't a distraction like everyone else I met.

When she found out I wasn't a Christian, she decided we couldn't date. She said we could be friends, but I was completely too crushed to settle for friends and so we stopped talking. Two months later, here she is and she's telling me all kinds of dangerously good things. She spent the whole time working and going to school to take her mind off of me, because I had apparently made a big impact on her. She had to work through her own judgmental beliefs and did so to get to this point which was apologize to me and ask for a second chance.

At first, I was wary. But I just can't help myself. I rather see if something's really going to happen and risk being hurt again, than do nothing and wonder what if. So that's what we're doing. I told her I'd give her a chance, and she's determined to prove herself.

Alex doesn't seem to be completely on board, and for good reason. She doesn't want me to get hurt, and I'm sure she remembers what I was like after Kara "left me."

I've spent the last two months on completely shutting myself off. It was only this week that I finally managed to do so. I can't help but feel that my dark passenger is testing me. It finally helped me shut off, and now it wants to see what I'll do when given something like this. Will I turn away and run back to trying to start a relationship with Kara, or will I be thankful to my darkness for giving me this comfort I've enjoyed all week by not trying to be something I'm not?

I really want to believe that it's my horrible pessimism that's making me feel this way, because I honestly don't know what to do. I guess I'm just going to ride this wave, and see what happens.