Today, I wouldn't really say I was depressed. Maybe I was lonely, but I mostly felt nothing. I feel like my darkness is really taking over in some way. I never knew I could literally care about nothing. I don't feel suicidal or anything. I just feel....almost nothing. Most of the time anyways.
There are some times where I feel something. A girl asked me out to go to a show. It's all the way in Savannah, though. If it were in Macon, I'd go. I told her I had to see if I was working, but really, I know I'm not. I just need time to figure out if I wanna go. Ultimately, I don't even know if I wanna go in general or care to go. I feel lonely, but I can't muster up the care to go on a date with a girl that asked me out.
I told Alex about it, and I definitely felt something with that. Sometimes, I really wonder what she thinks of me. I mean I guess I must have done something to make her think I'm an asshole. I don't know what I did. I told her about the girl asking me out, and I guess I was wrong to assume she'd be happy for me, because instead she thought I was making a joke about her being rejected. jeez Maybe she was upset, because I didn't care about seeing Matt on FB, or something. Or maybe I really am just an asshole, and I don't know it.
I guess I did have an asshole moment today. A friend at work asked me if a guy gave me the key to the tool box he was returning, and I said no. He got an attitude (in the way that I thought he was joking around like always), and I said no again and that he needs to watch who he's talking to like that (joking around). But then he snapped on me and told me that I don't need to be a smart ass and that I need to stop joking. I uh....am really tired of all the shit I take at work, and I told him "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were being serious about something for once. Why don't you give me your schedule on when I'm allowed to joke with you." He eye balled me for a while, and I just yawned. He walked off. Fucker.
But then he was back to his normal self at the end of the shift, and we were joking some more. So whatever.
When I was living in Atlanta and being alone for so long, I became a very sensitive person. But I think I'm slowly becoming my old self again. I did use to be a pretty big smart ass, and I was an asshole on occasion. But I don't really want to be like that. But I don't wanna be so sensitive either.
I think not caring about anything anymore is my way of learning not to take everything so close to heart. But now I can't even feel excited about a girl asking me out. Sometimes, I feel like my blog is a way to tell Alex things that I don't really want to tell her myself, but I never get the satisfaction of hearing what she thinks because she probably doesn't care either. I only know how to be extremely sensitive, or extremely insensitive.
Why am I so fucked up?
Hey girl on tumblr.com, how about you drop me a line. If you've got an ear to listen, I've got the time. I've been living like a given one, a used plastic cup at a kids birthday party. It's across the field; a dairy product that I'm always sipping on while trying not to use my teeth. I try not to shout, but if you get to me, then it'll be easy to see.
When I was looking out around me, I could see the things I'd offer my hand. I'd give them my very arm. But the hurt was something I could never stand, and I knew that very instance, that they'd do me harm. I've been driven so long from standing on my own into my own pants pouch, and all the things and people I loved, all I want is for it to be blocked out.
All of my friends god made this day for them to rejoice. Sometime, I feel like the way I feel and think to them is a choice. I just found out for sure, the girl I'm in love with is a warehouse full of guys I can't stand. Of all of the woman I know, this was only one that could take a joke, and if I didn't feel the same the next day, I could always count on the fact that my bald headed friend would still be awake.
I'm a ghost.
It hurts now, but I'll feel better when I'm not talking next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment