Ryn.

I have a friend named Ryn, short for Kathryn. She's nice. We've been talking for a little over a month I think. She considers me a great friend which is weird for me.

She's really honest, and seems to truly enjoy my honesty and my contribution to our relationship. She likes to talk a lot which is nice for me, because I'd really wanted someone to talk to during the day and have someone to share with and such. So...we talk a lot.

Today was the first day my feelings were hurt, because she hates how little I think of myself. I don't think she hates me, but just thinks I'm too hard on myself. She had hurt my feelings, because she told me to stop "being such a fucking downer." This made me shut down. I was frozen by the fear of pissing her off, and losing this friend.

When I was a kid, and I have a pretty vivid memory of this, I used to be a loud person because of my hearing loss and I never realized I was talking loud. My mom and dad had yelled at me to be quiet. I wasn't overly yelled at or anything, but for some reason, it really scarred me and shaped me into who I am today which I why I tend to speak kind of quietly. Now when I'm yelled at, it freezes me up. Emily used to talk a little loud, and it was easy for me to mistake it for being yelled at. She'd have to calm me down a lot, and assure me she wasn't yelling.

So here I was, frozen up from being yelled at by a new friend with no one to really calm me down. I eventually shut down and stopped talking as much. Ryn took this as me being pissed off at her, and she was apparently freaked out by it in a way that I guess she was worried that I hated her.

I told her before that I usually put others happiness before mine, so of course, I, being upset, had to make her feel better by explaining that I wasn't mad at her and wasn't about to throw our friendship away. But she indirectly reassured me that we'd stay friends which helped me.

She wants to hang out a lot and take advantage of me by stealing my Sears discount card, and go to Ikea and hanging out there. She had this idea of replacing her furniture with old furniture to represent us both. The ugly furniture would be old and ugly, but still useful. She's the kind of artist that enjoys the deepness of things I think, while I've always been the type who liked meaningless art more. But I still am excited to do all those things with her.

She wants to introduce me to weed, too. I don't thinks she's a complete pothead or anything, but just enjoys it recreationally. I honestly don't know if I really want to do it. Call me a pussy, but having an alcoholic brother who's life was fucked by drugs makes me nervous to even do a harmless drug like weed. It really depends on how comfortable I am around her, and doing it with her.

Either way, I consider her one of the few examples of a good person and it's nice to have a good friend. This sucks, because I feel like I may like her more than that, so I've had to fight those feelings back a lot. I'm sure if I tell her, she'll either feel weirded out and back off, or she'll just put me in my place. Neither of those sound good. And did I mention she's not even single? Fuck me, right.

I guess I'll just see what happens.