Stimulating thoughts.

To keep my mind off of everything, I've surprisingly been thinking about exactly the kind of stuff I'd like to not think about. I guess I mean that I've been thinking about some good memories to keep the bad stuff out. I suppose it's working. I'm not depressed or anything, and it's kind of made me smile a bit to think about.

I've mainly thought about it to keep boredom at bay. It's been said that boredom can easily lead to depression, and that's probably why I was so depressed in Atlanta all the time. I had no friends, and I was always bored.

So what's been on my mind? I was thinking about how visiting Emily in Savannah a lot is probably the most I've ever been happy. I remember I visited her in October in 2009, and she did a lot for my birthday. She took me out to eat crab legs one night. And then the next night she took me to a movie. It's funny, because she said I could either get popcorn there or we could go to the philly place next door after the movie. I noticed that the theater had its own serving station or whatever, and I could put all the butter I wanted on my popcorn, so I went with the popcorn. The funniest thing is that after the movies, she ended up wanting phillies anyways, so we went and got phillies. I always thought one of the cutest things about her and Alex was that they ate more than I did.

She did a lot of stuff for me, and any guy would be happy with what she did. It was nice.

I was also remembering that Alex had mailed me a gift for my birthday last year. I was really happy about it, and not because of what she got me, but just the gesture itself. I had this girlfriend that wanted to spend money to mail me this big box of food which I still have (the box). I had always really regretted that we ended up getting in a big fight right before her birthday, and we didn't even talk on her birthday. So I always felt really sorry for that, because I know I should've just sucked it up and made the day about her, because I actually did have a lot of things I wanted to do for her and give her, and she had a bad history of having really crappy birthdays.

But then I started thinking about what'd it be like to be with Alex in person. Emily and I took care of each other, and it was hard for me and Alex to do that online. We could talk all night to calm each other down, but it just wasn't nearly as nice or needed as a plain hug and kiss. So could we have really been perfect in person? I'll honestly never know, but I always had this gut feeling that we'd just end up fighting all the time anyways because of her PMDD.

She always tried to assure me that it wouldn't be as bad in person, but I just didn't know. But that plus my sensitivity just spelled trouble I thought.

So here's the weirdest part. It hit me that I haven't really done anything sexual in more than a few days because of everything that had been going on. But now that everything's calmed down, I realized I was really in the mood, and that I'm still sexually attracted to Alex. But I can't be blamed for that. I was, despite all the bad times, very attracted to her, and always thought she looked amazing. So if I do anything, I'll most likely think about her, because I guess I have a lot of nice memories of her regarding that stuff.

I remember she really wanted to know what it was like to have me go down on her, and I remember I always used to think I couldn't wait to show her when we went to Dragoncon together or something. So I guess I can move on from a relationship, but how do you move on from being attracted to someone? I'm sure it's different for girls, and she'll never think of me like that again. So I guess I might as well indulge myself into thinking of her when the mood strikes.

So I guess a lot's been on my mind today. Hopefully, once I start working, I won't have to think so much all the time to keep myself occupied.