Balancing out my life.

The date tonight went okay. It was a good date on paper. We talked and got along, but the feelings just aren't there. I don't want to force something like wanting to date someone or liking someone out of loneliness. It just doesn't work.

I'm surprisingly the kind of guy that rather wait to have sex with someone I love than fake being into someone just for a blow job. I'm too far into the idea of being with someone who's perfect for me. I don't believe in a god, but I believe in true love. How fucked up do you have to be....

I do know that I'm too fucked up right now to be in a relationship. I'm pretty sure I'll be eating those words sooner than later, but I'm kind of strong. Something really good is bound to come my way one day.

But still, I just don't think I should be in a relationship right now. Or at least force my feelings for someone I don't feel them for. It's not fair to her, or me. So I was honest with her tonight. She wanted to know how I thought it went, and I said that I felt like we were more like friends. She didn't like that and I was sorry, but I just don't wanna do something I know I'm not gonna be happy with.

So what happens? Of course, I can't fake my feelings for one night for a girl who's really into sex, but I'm completely happy when my ex and I are getting along.

It's so crazy what happened. Alex and I just clicked, and it was so obvious we were meant to be friends like this. Best friends. It's like she's replacing Evan which is great. We got along so well, and made jokes and poked at each other about past embarrassments from our old relationship. We're texting again now, I think? Or at least sending pictures of our cats and stuff to each other.

She even called me butthead. I literally felt like I lit up. I couldn't be happy being on a date, but being called butthead by my ex is what does it for me.

So what I really need to do is hold on to this feeling. I know the idea of falling back in love can really get to me if I let it, but I think I may have a good hold on it, because being friends like this is what I genuinely want. I got over the Tom thing for the most part.

While I'm happy about Alex, I feel a little bad. I've never broke something off with a girl before. Well....I broke up with Alex more than a few times out of being completely irrational. But I've never had to let a girl down like this before as a completely rational person and doing it while trying to soften the blow.

I don't want to dwell on it too much, though. I'm sorry she'll be in pain, but I need to be selfish right now and focus on making myself happy and fixing myself. I can't do it if I'm worried about someone else.

I have my job, and a best friend. I have what I need for now.