Alex sent me a picture of her cat today. I took it as a sign of trying to be friendly. That was my mistake. I have a problem with letting myself get close to people no matter how much I get hurt. And thinking we were getting along to be basically told "fuck off, my boyfriend's coming over" definitely hurts.
Until this, I'd been fine. I felt closed off from everything, and emotionless. Everything I've really ever wanted. Now my wounds are open again. Lucky for me, my body's used to it and it heals faster these days.
So the Alex thing doesn't bother me anymore. It's been nice feeling nothing. I hope it goes on longer.
Other than that, today's been quiet. I like it. Nothing to worry about, and no one to make me depressed. All the craziness in my head is a little more silenced than normal. It's like waking up refreshed after going to bed with a bad headache.
Except I crave for what causes the headaches. That's my biggest problem. Like everything else, the craving has been subsided for now, and like I said, I hope it lasts a lot longer. I could get used to feeling nothing. Of course then, I'd have nothing to really write about, but that just means I wouldn't have anything I'd have to write about. Because I still do this as a way of relief.
The only thing that's still there is the pain in my chest. I guess that's where everything builds up, so it's hard to not feel it. I have a lot inside of me, and I don't know how to release it. I wish it was as easy as jerking of or throwing up. Nothing's really easy.
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