Fucking up is all I'm good at.

I had a dream about Emily last night. We got back together, and it was so real. So of course I was in a lot of pain this morning. It was a very quiet drive to work. I told Alex about it, but she didn't care. She seemed upset about something that I'll never know about. I tried to make jokes to lighten the mood. I could only imagine anyone would be annoyed when they have to hear from me after spending a whole day with someone they like a lot.

And speaking of her and Matt, apparently, I was right to be worried that Alex will leave me. All I did was take an interest in her and Matt, and I thought that subject was something we talk about with each other. But I guess telling Brian and Tom is okay, and then it's too much when I ask about it.

I thought I was important to her, but no, I'm still all alone and no one could give two shits about some asshole who can't be happy. And now she doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. I knew she would leave me.

I just wanted to be her friend. I just wanted us to be able to talk. It's just like when we were dating. I always fuck up, and ruin everything. She should just leave me, because I can't ever make her happy. She has Matt, and I'm just in her way.

I'm just a screw up.

I can't even keep talking to one girl for more than three days. How many girls have I talked to lately, and been rejected? What do I do that drives everyone away from me? I just try to care, and take an interest.

Every day I go out and I'm driving, I wish so much that I would get hit. I wish I would just die, and end all this suffering. I make everyone around me upset, and I cam never stay happy.

If Alex, for some reason, keeps talking to me, then I'll just keep my feelings to myself. I'm not her problem, and my wanting to be in her life is obviously some kind of hazard. I want o be important to her, but it's hurting her. I don't know what to do.

I'm trying to force myself into her life when she doesn't need me. She's just doing me a favor by staying in my life.

So I guess this is it. The monster inside me is telling me it's time to wake up. It's time to stop pretending to be happy.

That calming feeling where you finally embrace your fate, and that black and icy bitterness swelling up on my chest.

I can't keep anyone in my life, and I don't know why I try. Alex will probably delete me off of her FB again and go off and live a nice life without me. I'm jealous.

I'll keep coming to work with a darkness wrapped around me, because it's the only thing I can count on. It's the only thing that will never leave me.

Before Alex stops talking to me forever, I should apologize and let her go free to stop worrying about me.