Letting go of being in control.

I feel like I'm beginning to obsess again. Someone told me Evan was trying to figure out what to say, but I honestly don't think he's gonna say anything. I also am wondering if Alex is going to add me.

So now I have to wait. I like to think I'm kind of a patient person, but these two things are really pushing it for me. I tried reading about how to get over an obsession, but it wasn't really working and it was mostly about helping people obsessing over something they're paranoid about. I guess I'm paranoid about Alex's reaction because I don't want to annoy her, and about whether Evan will say anything or not.

Someone, I don't remember who, mentioned that I like to be in control. It's obvious now that I'm not in control. So maybe instead of fixing what I'm obsessed about, I just need to learn to be okay with not being in control.

But when I think about that, it honestly....I can't even comprehend it. Of course I'd love to go all day not stressing about anything, especially about stuff like this, but I just can't view myself as not caring enough to go all day not worrying. It seriously is something I don't know if I can do. I guess this is where professional help comes in. I'll have to remember this post when they ask me about something I want to fix. I want to be okay with not being in control, and learn to fully let go. I also want to learn how to not be so sensitive, but is that something that can even be fixed?


When I think about the fact that I'm doing this and trying to help myself, I wonder if I could've done it while dating Alex, or if I needed to be in that much pain from the break up to finally push me to fix myself. We may not be dating, but I'd like to think we can still kind of support each other. She's getting help, and I may be getting help soon. I know when she talked about not wanting to go to college and how life sucked, I was able to kind of calm her down I think. Maybe I helped her, or maybe she was just hearing the same crap from another person.

Either way, I just want to keep telling myself on here that things may or will be fine. And I just need to keep working at believing it. Of course the high of taking charge of myself will wear off sooner than later, so that's when I need to be ready to keep tackling everything, because I really don't want to give up. I really want to be better.