And so it starts. It seems no matter how good tonight was, a post from Tom on Alex's FB is going to get to me regardless. It's like he was waiting for us to break up, or something.
I really need a way to get over this. For some reason, I can be okay with Alex talking to other guys and potentially dating them, but I'm probably never gonna like Tom. It's understandable I think. When Alex and I first started dating, she added me on FB and I saw a post from Tom where they were both talking shit about me. I honestly felt, at the time, that no matter what Alex said, I just couldn't get over it. And the whole year together, it was the one thing I couldn't let go of.
She'd probably call me retarded right now for holding onto something like this especially now that we're broken up. I guess all I can say is that the situation can change, but the pain's there to stay once it's been dealt. And that was really hard for me to see. It was when my jealousy was super bad, and we just started dating.
When I think about it, I'm not really jealous of Tom. I'll be honest though, that'd be so fucked up if they started dating, so I can only hope to some kind of god that they don't start flirting again. But yeah, I'm not jealous of Tom. I just hate him. I hated how he knew about me and my jealousy, and how lame I was. It almost seemed like he would flirt just to personally fuck with me.
So, no. I don't think I can ever get over it. All I can do is wonder why Alex even added him back in the first place. Were they secretly talking behind my back even after she deleted him? So I guess this is exactly what I need. To have a good night, and then get like this. Retarded, and paranoid.
EDIT: I was honestly upset when I wrote the above stuff, but I think I've kind of calmed down some. I think I just wanted to write about how I guess seeing Alex and Tom talk shit about me cut me really deep. So it's just hard to have to see them talking. I still remember seeing it, walking into the kitchen shaking, and just losing it. It's a very vivid and clear memory, and I just remember things like that when it's that painful.
Regardless of our relationship status, it's just always going to sting I guess. I seem to have loved Alex way more than I let myself believe, or else I wouldn't have to deal with this. Do I still love her, though? I don't even know. I'm not in love with her, and I guess I love in her in the way that I'll just always enjoy the good memories we do have. But I care about her a lot.
ANOTHER EDIT: This afternoon, I checked FB. Like usual, I just wanted to check Alex's FB to get it out of my system for the day, and I was literally squeezing my hand in anticipation. I saw that she replied to Stephanie, and now I was about to see her reply to Tom. I think it sucks how bad the pain was swelling up, and I wish I could control it. But what do you know. The pain quickly died when I saw that she didn't reply.
It made me feel better, but I still wonder why she added him back. It felt like maybe she didn't reply to him on the account of me. IF so, then I thank her for considering my feelings like that. Either way, I'll just try to enjoy the day and the company coming over to keep my mind off of it.
TRIPLE EDIT: Never mind. She did reply to Tom. I was kind of thinking about how I watched all the seasons of Scrubs, and she'd quote it a lot to me. I guess that's something she does with Tom now. When I think about it, she has something different with all her guy friends. So what's special about me? The guy she used to date, and can fix her computer? Well, we're still healing, so we'll see.
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