Adjusting to the changes.

Well, tonight was very trying. Alex and I talked tonight, but it felt like it got a little tense. Of course, I had to be stupid and ask about the guys she talks to now. I can't really help it. Even when I know something's going to hurt me, but it's something I really want to know about, then I just gotta ask.

It got tense, because I came off as trying to insinuate something. I'm not gonna lie, though. That whole conversation really hurt. But I can't be like that anymore, and if I do act like that, she'll get rid of me quickly. It's obvious her new outlook on life has made her stronger, and she doesn't have time for broken people like me anymore.

So I did all I could do. I tried to be supportive, and gets to know what she's doing. Whether she's looking to date her new friend, or just wanna make new friends. When I think about it, I guess what hurts a lot is realizing that I'm now just one of her guy friends that she talks to. I'm sure when she starts dating, she'll have to explain Brian, the guy who helps her with her problems, and whoever else. Who knows what she'll say about me. The guy that made her life hard for a year, but still talks to out of pity.

Either way, as the conversation went on, the pain did subside some. There's still a sharp pain in my chest, but I guess I'm just gonna have to wait to be okay with her doing this. I mean Emily's dating someone, and it doesn't bother me. So I know I can get to the point where Alex's friends don't bother me.

But the worst part is that I'm not allowed to feel this way; jealous. And I don't want to be jealous at all. I told Alex I just need some more time so that I can fully heal, and that's the truth. I'm sure I'll get to where I'm fine with all her guy friends, because that's what I am now. A guy friend. I guess she'd understand that I would feel this way. We did date a year, so of course the transition will take time for me to get used to.

When I think about it, I'm also very jealous of Alex. It's no joke that she's changed, and for the better, too. I'm very jealous of her take charge attitude. It's something that I've literally never been able to do. She must have been like this at one point, because I've never been like that. It's just not my nature I suppose, so I don't know how to be like that.


I don't normally do this, but I'm in the mood to write, and I could start using this blog to write in. So here I go.


Every once in a while, when the mood strikes, I am very much the ladies man. Under the nights sky, everywhere I go, I can consume a great deal of things that take things inside. 


A spider is a calculative thirst, and in it's nest is a loaf I'd like to get my hands on. So can't get caught; cheer for me as I'd like to do these things to you.


I'm sinking in my pants, because they're too big. All I'd like to do is hide inside them, and hide in my room when I don't think anything can help. 


So under all these stabs I've taken, I'd just like to let you know I'm okay with the continuity. Chasing horses on foot steps in a desperate race to keep things the way they were are my lies and the love for them is my nature to strive. 




I guess that's all I really have in me. It's been a while.

So despite the night starting rough, it did end on a nice note. I decided to take charge myself, and just put it out there. I wanted to know straight up what our situation was and what we're aiming at if anything at all. Surprisingly, what she wanted was to be friends, and she wished things didn't end bad. So we're on the same page, and we both agree that we both need some more time before we can move on completely.

I guess this is the nice feeling of being head strong. Instead of worrying all the time, I can just put things out there and maybe things are a lot better than you think.