Alex came to me tonight. I guess she needed to rant about a guy she likes. Not that I didn't think it was nice that she thought she could come to me, but I'm still wondering why she wanted to rant to me.
I guess she realizes we're both the same when it comes to being unhappy. Maybe she knew I wouldn't try to convince her that it all gets better. Because honestly, I can completely understand where she's coming from. She says all the kind of things I say, and said when I was her age.
Being like this myself is bad enough, but seeing someone I was in love with have to suffer like I do....well, it's no fun. There's nothing I can tell her. The pain's just gonna be there forever.
I tried to convince myself that cutting allowed me some form of relief, but it honestly never really did. I would cut harder and deeper, but now all I have are scars from nothing. I thought that by hurting myself, I was replacing my emotional pain with the physical pain. All I really got was a half minute distraction, and then the emotional pain would crash back into me.
The truth is that there is no relief. Everything hurts all the time. And I wish it didn't have to be so for Alex. The one way I kind of thought we were different was that she cared about things. She had ambition. I let myself go a long time ago to not caring about anything anymore. So maybe if I can figure out a way to help her?
I know I can't help her now, but I'm positive that once she starts college, maybe she'll start to feel a little better. She'll be riding off the high of being free from her parents, being in a completely new place on her own, and all that.
But then reality crashed back into me when she admitted she was actually on PMDD.
I felt like I was putting a lot of myself into the conversation. Being worried about her, and genuinely caring about her and this problem she's going through. But really, she was just on her PMDD. She's messed up right now, so she'll feel better once it wears off.
It just kind of sucks. I don't know. She only needed to rant to me, because of her PMDD. She came to me out of her irrationality. She doesn't really need me.
So then, why did I write this whole thing? I don't know. I guess, despite not wanting her to be in pain, it was still nice to think there's someone out there going through what I go through. But in the end, she gets like this because of her PMDD, and I'm like this because it's just who I am.
I guess the moral of the story is that I really am alone.
But it doesn't change anything. I care about her, and whether she's on PMDD or not, I'll still keep putting a lot of effort into helping her because that's what I want. I want her to be happy.
Especially, because I did feel bad at the end. She ended up crying, and wanting me to leave her alone. I honestly didn't know if she wanted me to actually stay and keep talking, or she really wanted to talk. I feel this way, because she didn't have to say anything at all if she just wanted to me to go away.
But I'm not her boyfriend, and while I'm happy to help her when she needs it, it isn't my job to figure out what she really wants from me anymore. She should just say, right? She at least comes to me with problems, though. I'm just writing in this blog. But she is able to read this blog, so it's not a big deal. She knows how I feel about a lot.
I just hope I ended up being able to help her at all tonight. I know just talking to someone can help, and I hope at least did that much for her. I don't wanna date her, but I still wanna be important to her I guess, It's lame of me; I know.
No comments:
Post a Comment