Alex sent me a picture today. It made me smile, but our relationship hasn't felt rewarding or fun or anything in so long that I just didn't and couldn't really be damned to express it. It doesn't help that I've had a bad day. The worst part is that she knew I was having a bad day, and still had to rub it in my face. What the fuck does she want from me?
I was really annoyed with her, but tried to make small talk so she wouldn't at least be annoyed with me. Why I go the extra mile for her, I'll never know.
It kept eating at me, and I realized this has been eating at me forever. I was sick and tired of wondering exactly what the fuck I am to her, if anything at all. So I just asked her. Apparently, we're friends.
I know that I have this malfunction in my head that makes me think no one cares about me, especially Alex. But I needed to hear from her that we're friends, and she thinks of me like that before I go off and ruin our whole relationship. I think and hope that hearing that will help me some, and I hope that I can support myself in letting it help me, because she's not going to go out of her way for me unless I straight up ask her to assure something for me.
I always wonder if the fact that we're ex's affects her the way it affects me. I keep thinking that we still have something kind of special given our history, but she comes off as totally uncaring about everything we've been through. If she's moved on, then lucky her. I've moved on from wanting to be her boyfriend, but I still want something more than being just another faggot guy that she talks to on FB. Does that mean I'm really not over her?
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