Ryn.

I have a friend named Ryn, short for Kathryn. She's nice. We've been talking for a little over a month I think. She considers me a great friend which is weird for me.

She's really honest, and seems to truly enjoy my honesty and my contribution to our relationship. She likes to talk a lot which is nice for me, because I'd really wanted someone to talk to during the day and have someone to share with and such. So...we talk a lot.

Today was the first day my feelings were hurt, because she hates how little I think of myself. I don't think she hates me, but just thinks I'm too hard on myself. She had hurt my feelings, because she told me to stop "being such a fucking downer." This made me shut down. I was frozen by the fear of pissing her off, and losing this friend.

When I was a kid, and I have a pretty vivid memory of this, I used to be a loud person because of my hearing loss and I never realized I was talking loud. My mom and dad had yelled at me to be quiet. I wasn't overly yelled at or anything, but for some reason, it really scarred me and shaped me into who I am today which I why I tend to speak kind of quietly. Now when I'm yelled at, it freezes me up. Emily used to talk a little loud, and it was easy for me to mistake it for being yelled at. She'd have to calm me down a lot, and assure me she wasn't yelling.

So here I was, frozen up from being yelled at by a new friend with no one to really calm me down. I eventually shut down and stopped talking as much. Ryn took this as me being pissed off at her, and she was apparently freaked out by it in a way that I guess she was worried that I hated her.

I told her before that I usually put others happiness before mine, so of course, I, being upset, had to make her feel better by explaining that I wasn't mad at her and wasn't about to throw our friendship away. But she indirectly reassured me that we'd stay friends which helped me.

She wants to hang out a lot and take advantage of me by stealing my Sears discount card, and go to Ikea and hanging out there. She had this idea of replacing her furniture with old furniture to represent us both. The ugly furniture would be old and ugly, but still useful. She's the kind of artist that enjoys the deepness of things I think, while I've always been the type who liked meaningless art more. But I still am excited to do all those things with her.

She wants to introduce me to weed, too. I don't thinks she's a complete pothead or anything, but just enjoys it recreationally. I honestly don't know if I really want to do it. Call me a pussy, but having an alcoholic brother who's life was fucked by drugs makes me nervous to even do a harmless drug like weed. It really depends on how comfortable I am around her, and doing it with her.

Either way, I consider her one of the few examples of a good person and it's nice to have a good friend. This sucks, because I feel like I may like her more than that, so I've had to fight those feelings back a lot. I'm sure if I tell her, she'll either feel weirded out and back off, or she'll just put me in my place. Neither of those sound good. And did I mention she's not even single? Fuck me, right.

I guess I'll just see what happens.

New friends.

Today, I'm going to dinner with a new friend. A girl named Jesse. I'd been talking to her for about a month now, and she's really cool. I'm not romantically interested in her; she's just a friends who will probably introduce me to more people, too.

We're going to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, El Azteca. I don't know what we'll do afterwards. There's a Starbucks next to the place, so we might hang out there.

Today's better. I've been able to keep a lot off of my mind for the most part by looking forward to going out tonight and hanging out. I don't really feel like talking to anyone, and don't feel like being online. I kind of hate it. I kind of hate talking to the people on my Facebook. I don't know why I don't get rid of it. I kind of feel like it's holding me back, and it's not helping me get over some people.

I've been really thinking about not talking to anyone I know anymore, and completely wiping the slate clean. But that's really hard to do. I guess I always feel like I want everyone to go away, but I still do have a handful of friends that I can't really just get rid of. Online friends, though; they're easy to get rid of.

I probably won't have to worry about it anymore with some new friends. Soon I'll be too busy for everyone else in my life. Or at least that's what I'm going for. Something in me feels like it's changing and I don't know what it is, yet.

Rubbing it in.

Alex sent me a picture today. It made me smile, but our relationship hasn't felt rewarding or fun or anything in so long that I just didn't and couldn't really be damned to express it. It doesn't help that I've had a bad day. The worst part is that she knew I was having a bad day, and still had to rub it in my face. What the fuck does she want from me?

I was really annoyed with her, but tried to make small talk so she wouldn't at least be annoyed with me. Why I go the extra mile for her, I'll never know.

It kept eating at me, and I realized this has been eating at me forever. I was sick and tired of wondering exactly what the fuck I am to her, if anything at all. So I just asked her. Apparently, we're friends.

I know that I have this malfunction in my head that makes me think no one cares about me, especially Alex. But I needed to hear from her that we're friends, and she thinks of me like that before I go off and ruin our whole relationship. I think and hope that hearing that will help me some, and I hope that I can support myself in letting it help me, because she's not going to go out of her way for me unless I straight up ask her to assure something for me.

I always wonder if the fact that we're ex's affects her the way it affects me. I keep thinking that we still have something kind of special given our history, but she comes off as totally uncaring about everything we've been through. If she's moved on, then lucky her. I've moved on from wanting to be her boyfriend, but I still want something more than being just another faggot guy that she talks to on FB. Does that mean I'm really not over her?

The opposite of dead inside.

I'm having a bad day. Do you know that feeling when you want to stop talking to someone forever, but you're too scared to, because you know they won't care?


All my life, I've been lost in being too focused on how high things can go even if it's lying on its side. I like to seek out the art in others, because then it's easier to feel like I don't owe anything. It's not a choice. It's the last time I'm going to go drenched, but when it finally happens is when I'll believe it then. 




I wish I had nothing inside of me, and I wish I had nothing in my life. I wish I didn't always feel like I have nothing, because it's a really painful feeling knowing I have things and people around me and not being able to feel like they care about me.

This is where my want of only wanting to be the only person in peoples lives comes from. It's like how I wish I was important to Alex, but I'm not.

I think my feelings are so strung up that I can't really tell what I'm feeling. One second, I feel an intense hatred and the next I'm trying to remember what I just felt. I've read about non-psychopathic people who go through life never feeling anything at all. I wish so bad I could be like that.

I don't like anyone.

The feeling of being alone creeped back into me today; the feeling of having no one and nothing in my life.

Alex has her photography and a line of people who are there for here making me obsolete to her. Eric has his willingness to do what he wants and the love of his life. Emily has her boyfriend and a full life. My brother has his carefree attitude to enjoy whatever he wants to do.

All I have is myself, and all I am is taking up space.




I laid a road ahead of you; nothing that we do is as nice as something we can pretend to do. I can't hide it as well I like to think I can, and this bed's comforter isn't covering all the pain I wish it was.


You have a sweet mouth and you know how to use it. I have a worrying nature, and I am nothing beside you. I know my thoughts. They don't need a mans man, but when the need comes, a woman's hand is okay, too. Keep enjoying others ways with words, because I think I'm done sharing the corners of my room; a TV screen is all I need and you're not on any of the channels I like to watch. 


It's my whole way; getting ahead of myself when no one's around to let me rest my head on their cupping, and fretting legs. Weakening in the life I have left, and reading everyone else wow you when I'm still trying to wonder about the nature of our sorceress's spell; a civilian's arrest.


I can't take charge, and I can't feel the need to let go. But I'm feeling the anger you lit in me a while ago, or a century ago. You're jumbling up all of my memories and making them suit you the way you need me to be there when you come calling. I'm a dog toy for you when you're bored, and I'm thinking of going on sale, because you hurt.

Jealousy.

Alex posted on her FB about saying goodbye to love, or something, and my brother, Alex, posted some stuff that made her laugh a lot.

This made me realize (again) that I'm really jealous of my brother.

He's very carefree, and doesn't worry about anything. Whenever mom is mad at him, she doesn't say anything or yell at him. But when she's mad at me, she lets me know it. He's a lot funnier than I am, and a better artist. He's definitely better looking, too.

The only thing I have over him is being a lot smarter than him, and they say ignorance is bliss. I'd trade my smarts with everything he has in a heartbeat.

My brother and Alex haven't talked in a long time (or at least that's what I think), and he can post something that makes her laugh like that. I couldn't do that. I can't even talk to her without being worried about how she's going to react to something I say. My brother doesn't care; he just says whatever he wants.

I don't really like myself right now.

The flow.

Today work is really boring, but I got to deal with customers a lot and talk on the intercom. Dealing with customers makes things more interesting and fun. I got an angry customer on the phone, because I couldn't hear what he was saying. He even wanted to know my name. I was disappointed when he didn't come to the store to get mad at me.

My friend at work, Andrew, kept trying to make me laugh when I was on the intercom. He's pretty cool. Everyone in the warehouse was talking about why everyone should wash their hands, and I said something about how everyone in America tries to be so clean, that we should be more like Mexico; eating dirtier food to boost our immune systems. The Mexican guy took it the wrong way, and made me out to be a racist. He and everyone else started acting like they were laughing at me and talking shit.

I was really nervous, because accused of racism at work is no joke. They eventually admitted they were just messing with me. Pick on the new and only white guy, right? I definitely had the T__________T face going.

The irony is that I really don't like Mexicans.

When I got off work, Alex texted me about the fact that I had sex with Emily last night. I admitted that I kind of regret it, and that made her talk about how she understands because she feels that way with Brian. She mentioned how we're alike in a lot of ways.

That made me nervous, because I'm supposed to be distancing myself from her. I'd been doing good, too, but I think this was good, too, because I want to distance myself from what feels like a one sided relationship, but I don't want her to think that I'm completely uninterested in her life anymore.

She talked about her problems with Brian, and I straight up asked if she was asking for my advice; a new trick I picked up. I think I used to tend to assume she wanted my opinion when she didn't want it; a fact she made pretty clearly last week. But she did want my advice, and I gave her my genuine opinion hoping for the best.

After that is where I fucked up, but not too much. I fucked up in the sense that I kept talking to her where that should've just been enough. Talk enough to let her know I still care, but stay silent enough to let her know that I can't keep being hurt. I say I didn't fuck up too much in the sense that I was planning on talking to her about the Bioshock novel anyways.

Later tonight, she showed me her Tumblr which I took as a nice gesture. It would have hurt my feelings to see a link to it randomly, because she's the only one that I let read this blog. I liked that she personally sent me the link.

All this just means I still need to work on a balance with her. I think I'm okay to talk to her now, and I'll just go with the flow. The flow feels like an unspoken of relationship. It just it, I guess. I don't want to really think about how I feel about it. We're neither friends, nor strangers.



Receiving new music from Alex.

A systematic way of doing things; I'm always feeling this way to a rhythm that I'll feel like I can't take in a few weeks. But if I want to take it, I'm pretty sure it's something I can do.


Now I can't tell you if it's better to do myself in groups or if it's better alone, but I do know to get the best view, a wide track of anything, I have to tell myself what I want and what I want is to not be alone. Fingers a-cracklin' to find the newest taste; a way of keeping life in check, but a few days down the road, I'll know what I've known this whole time.


So is this it? A few minutes to distract myself with. I've got nothing less to do, and I've got a lot of feelings to feel; a dire creature with the need to weep. Tell me if it's there, because I've seen myself going through your closet and I didn't hate everything I saw. 


I'm here in my own misery, and it's all I ever wanted to do to keep us close. Quiet like an unhealthy new born, I'd be lying if I said I didn't find this exciting. I might not be there, but when my headphones are on, I feel closer than God fated us to be. 

Doing pretty good.

Emily and I had a fun day yesterday. It turns out that she's a fan of Red vs Blue which is awesome for me. We watched the first season and ate pizza rolls for dinner while watching it.

She also likes comics. She's a big fan of X-Men, so she liked my X-Men shirt and painting of Magneto. I then figured I outta introduce her to Mega64. Every girl I've been with knows to date me is to become a fan of Mega64, and she liked them. We watched the Night Time DVD.

Other than that, we just hung out. We had sex last night. That was sweet.

This morning, I had to change her tire for her so that was not fun. But then she called me her hero, and that made me laugh. She had to go home now, but we're planning on me going to her house on Monday.

So overall, it was a lot of fun and I was pretty happy. It's nice. 

The real thing?

The girl I've been talking to's name is Emily. How about that?

It honestly doesn't bother me in the way you'd think it'd bother me. I guess I'm mostly glad to finally have found someone who's not a dud; someone who isn't just going to stop talking to me or have some really fucked up personal trait that'll keep her from liking me or keep me from liking her.

She's on her way now. She'll be spending the night here with me. It sounds weird that she'd be doing that on the first time we're hanging out, but we've come to be pretty close in the last week. Close enough so that she tells me she missed me a lot when she was too busy to talk for a few hours.

We'll just be hanging out mostly, and maybe go to eat out somewhere. She said she's no good at eating in front of people even after knowing them for a long time, but I told her we don't have to go eat or anything. So we'll see.

I think I feel good about this, because she told me she didn't want a serious relationship, because of her last boyfriend that treated her really badly. But from getting to know me, she said she likes me a lot and really wants to be in a serious and long term relationship. Unlike the other girls I had met, I didn't immediately start talking about how fucked up I am or start wanting something with her. We just talked, and everything progressed more normally. So if she likes me this much, it must be the real deal.

It makes me glad. She texts me a lot, and does know now about my freaking out over not hearing from her and stuff. She said I don't have to worry, and that she'll take care of making sure I don't ever freak out.

I'd just been enjoying the whole thing that I didn't really think about how serious things seem to be now. But it may take a while before I can rest easy knowing that this one's real.

Meh.

Last night, my mom needed to talk to me. She was pissed off at how I've been acting, and assumed I've been mean to her as a way to take my crap out on her. It's pretty messed up that she has no idea that a portion of my pain comes from how she treats me.

At the end, she asked if I had anything to say and she was annoyed when I said no. What's the point of letting her know how I feel when she's already got her mind made up about the whole situation.

I'm just going to stop talking to her altogether, because I just can't stand her. 

Alex posted a new picture. I was in the mood to write, so I wrote about the picture from her perspective. I was going to post it in a comment, but then I figured she'd appreciate it if I didn't post my weird shit on her FB for all her friends to see. 

Tomorrow, a girl is coming over to spend the night. I randomly met her the day after I had given up trying to meet a girl. We really like each other, and I've made sure she's not going to turn out to be a dud like the rest. 

I still can't help, but feel like she won't be able to come over at the last minute due to past and obvious reasons. But she assures me she's coming, and is very excited to.

I had a nice day.

Last night, I told Alex that I didn't want to talk for a few days. All she said was sure, so I'm sure she knew why. I was hurt by what she said, and how she didn't care that it hurt me.

Even though she hurt me and I didn't wanna talk, she posted a status on FB where I figured she'd like what I had to say to it. It seems like no matter how she treats me, my love for her makes me want to be there for her anyways even if it's a one sided love.

I had posted a status about finally having the Bioshock novel, and she liked it. I guessed that was her way of telling me she doesn't completely hate me.

But today made me realize it was worth it. I didn't worry about anything all day at work, and didn't have to worry about trying to be nice to Alex or worry about her hurting me. I didn't have to put all my effort into her, and get nothing back. It was really nice. A few more days like this, and maybe we can try to be friends again. But right now, I can't keep being treated like I'm a no one to her.

I got along and made friends with a guy at work. He's funny, and made me laugh. I was really happy to have someone to hang out with at work. He's been teaching how to do the more complicated stuff, and is always making jokes.

Overall, today was the kind of day I strive for. I woke up not upset, I worked hard, had a quiet lunch by myself in the mall while reading and people watching, I get to have a really good dinner, and I'll read some more tonight while laying in bed with Kalisto. A quiet, simple, and worry free day.

She doesn't, and never did care.

I was having a relatively decent day at work today. It wasn't too hard, and Alex and I talked some and got along somewhat. I was glad to be getting out at four today. I had twenty minutes left before I could leave, and then Alex....

I thought we were best friends. I'm not even a friend of hers. It felt like she knew I was going to be hurt when she strictly said "Because he's my best friend." I didn't even say anything, but she went on to say she's going to go see him in September.

I felt like she was trying to hurt me on purpose. What did I do to her? Did I try too hard to be there for her, and try to be her friend?

Well, she doesn't need me, and I don't need to keep pretending I mean anything to her. She has Brian to help her with being cheated on or whatever.

I was in a lot of pain. I drove home in a daze like I'd been knocked out and was just waking up. But then something happened. It was like my body knew what was happening, and it took the pain away. I was numb, and didn't feel anything anymore.

I got tears in my eyes a little, because I was so happy. I live every day knowing no one loves me, or cares about me including Alex. And then it was like my body took care of me as if it were another person.

I don't think I've ever driven like this. I was going 60 in a 40 zone, and it was amazing. I felt nothing. My eyesight was blurry, and all I could do was space out. I only realized how fast I was going when my phone went off and snapped me out of it.

I wanted to keep going. I wanted to drive off the road and let go.

Luckily, the nothingness hasn't completely worn off, but the feelings are slowly creeping in and it hurts. It's like something's ripping through a wound that's already scabbed over.

I don't have time or any feelings left to care about Alex's situation with Matt when she doesn't care about me.

A different source of pain.

I had a surprise waiting for me when I woke up this morning. A text from Alex saying that she was being cheated on. So like most mornings, I woke up in pain, but this pain was different. It was pain from knowing that someone I deeply care about was hurting.

Normally I'd be cautious to make sure I say things that aren't going to make her annoyed with me. And because of lately, things that don't make me give too much of myself so I don't get hurt. But I didn't care about those things anymore.

I jumped right in. She was in pain, I wanted to do anything I could to help her. All kinds of crazy ideas flew through my head, the craziest being going to Ohio and spending time with her. I thought of that one, because I thought I could take care of her in person and there's not much I can do from here.

As the conversation went on, I did get a little worried that I was putting too much of myself in this. Not like I thought I'd fall back in love with her, but just that I didn't want to become overbearing and get rejected by her for trying to help again.

But then I thought of the pain she was in, and I actually got teary eyed. I care about Alex more than anyone, and I want her to be happy more than I want to be happy. I'm just a bitter guy who's given up on everything, and I believe Alex, only 18, still has a chance to be happy for real.

So I didn't care anymore about if she rejected me and I got hurt. If my pain meant she felt any better, then I was okay with that. But until then, I said fuck Brian and whoever else. I'm not gonna be jealous of them today. I'm gonna kick them out of the picture, and be the one that takes care of Alex.

That's what I want to do; take care of her.

But I guess my willingness to help her could only go so far.She didn't want to talk to me anymore. As much I want her to feel better, it didn't keep me from being hurt. I'm just not good enough to take care of her, and she doesn't need me as much as I need her.

Since I don't work today, I don't know what I'll do. I kind of planned on sitting around, and trying to feel nothing. Being rejected again kind of forced me to come up with a new plan. I guess I get to be in pain today some more.




I'm in a location that keeps me from being able to save my draft, a portapottie that's not big enough to catch this pile I'm about to lay. If she could come back to me, I'd remember something that I meant to say something; something to say at all.


My glasses don't fit anymore, because my head's getting too big from all of the shouting people do. This is just the hair laying on top of me; empty to be blessed and not blessed enough to be empty. Breasts for flexing. I'm reading to confess.


I'm in love with someone that I hate, and if I don't come up with a fix soon, I'll never be able to finish this plate. Throwing up sounds like a better plan, so put some words in my mouth so they don't mean anything. One of these days, I'll die and that'll be a nice day.


It's not that I'm ashamed to weep out loud, but if drinking keeps me from feeling alive, then consider me the next alcoholic in my family. A customary gutter we live in, and a climax that's yet to begin, "I need out." An attraction on the heels of feeling destined to feel this way forever. 


So if I'm feeling your wounds, the least you could do is keep dancing with my shadow on the floor. My curse is that my fingers can't reach out to you, and yours can't calm my nerves as they produce that familiar motion below the belt. 


Am I the only one? Pulling out a queer to feel some kind of new connection, and being sought out to suck on something new. Listen through the door, another another kind of attack that I can't deflect. 


There is no place for these kind of guys with a half smile that grandma appreciates when I come over. It's just that for some time, these lips seem to fall in place when I'm trying to achieve some good looks from my old grandads old photograph. There will be no more invisible trains. If you want to die, then you have to step in front of a real one.


A circus tent in all the folding's. An elephant in a coffin fit for a man. I could write all day and night, but if I have no one to talk to, then I'm certain there's definitely no end in sight. Barely held together by these own hands that used to be alive; holding hands was something we used to try achieve being kept apart by different places in a life long relationship. Life long enough for someone who doesn't want to live.


I'm wrapped up in these imaginative worlds with just one imaginary friend. So when I finally do it, I'll leave the earth when the earth leaves you. No friend is good enough to take the charge, and begin to sway. There's no girl good enough to love me that I can't pay.

Finally figured it out.

Today wasn't as emotionless as I hoped it would be. I was very depressed and angry for no reason at work. I was kicking boxes and punching shit to let it out. After a while, I felt better and that nothingness creeped in a little as if it felt uninvited, and I was letting it know that it's very wanted.

When I drove home, the nothingness was in complete control. I was in literal daze, and it was amazing. I was paying just enough attention to the road so that I didn't crash. My eye sight was a little blurry. I don't know if I was high or what, but I enjoyed it and didn't want the drive to end.

At home, I laid in bed all evening. I don't really know what I was doing. I wasn't doing anything, or thinking of anything.

Alex texted me and wanted to talk while I was still in bed, though. Something about being paranoid about things going wrong. She's right to feel that way, because nothing goes right for us.

I still don't know why she came to me, though. I'm pretty worthless to her. I was her boyfriend for a year, and only lasted as her best friend for what....a week? Plus, she apparently talked to Brian and someone else about it, too. So what'd she need me for?

I tried to be as comforting as I could, but after getting angry with me for taking an interest last time, I don't really know what to say. Not that I really had a chance to say anything, because she got off quick as fucking lightning. She comes to me when she needs something, and then leaves me hanging.

So that's it. That's why she keeps me around. I'm the new Tom; someone to bitch to without caring about what I have to say.

I guess I'm going to bed in pain tonight.

Trying to help is worthless.

Today was uneventful. I did nothing.

I had plans to go eat with some people tonight, but like all the plans I've been making lately, of course, this one didn't pan out, either. At least I work tomorrow, so I don't have to care about anything anymore. I think work is the one place where I'm able to feel nothing, so I like work.

I saw Alex on the FB chat for the first time in a long time. I tried to be nice, but fuck that, right? She was complaining about the new chat thing on FB and I tried to help her with it. All she could say was "i'm not dumb." Is that how I come off? People think that I think they're dumb when I try to help them with something? She doesn't complain when I help her with her computer. She probably wouldn't complain if her best friend, Brian, tried to help her with the chat thing.

But fuck me. I'm just a fucking faggot for trying to help her.

So now I get to go to bed annoyed for trying to be nice. Maybe I should stop being nice to her. She doesn't seem to give a fuck anyways. She even told me about how being with someone isn't that great. I'll trade my life for hers any day.

This is why I look forward to tomorrow. I'll be an emotionless sack of meat feeling nothing, but pain in my feet.

I wish I didn't wake up.

I woke up in a lot of pain, and with a lot of hatred today, I don't know why. It's just my nature I guess. That's all I know how to do, so my body just does these things as if I enjoy it.

Maybe it's because I know I should've woke up in a girls bed today. I'm upset, because every time something good happens, it just explodes and does that much more damage to me. I want someone to be with, but I'm so sick and tired of trying.

I wish yesterday's nothingness followed me today. I was actually happy to feel nothing.

Now I just hate everything. I hate waking up and being alive another day. I hate my life. I hate how nothing good stays good for more than a couple of days. Why does my life have to be like this? It seems like everyone else is getting along great. Look at Alex. She has Matt and was at some party or something. Look at me. I'm still feverishly looking around the parking lot making sure Emily isn't at the place I'm eating at.

I'm just a fucking loser still trying to get over Emily, and Alex is doing something with her life. I have no idea why she talks to me at all.

But then look at people like Taylor. They act like they're completely and genuinely into you, and then when it ends, they don't give a shit. They just love on and keep enjoying life. How can people be so careless, and how can I be like that? Not care about anything.

Can't control anything I do.

Tonight was nice. I hung out with Ashley, and we played Left 4 Dead 2 all night and watched some wedding show that we kept laughing at. It was fun hanging out with someone.

But then Alex texted me to explain something about what she said to me earlier today. I must have come off as an asshole, because she stopped talking to me again. I tried to explain that I appreciated her concern, and now she's probably just going to stop caring about that, too, because she didn't warn me she was going to bed. So I sent her another text where she told me she was sleeping.

So I did it again. I messed things up. Again. It just comes fucking naturally for me to ruin everything good. She liked a picture I posted on FB, though. She'll probably delete that now.

This is just who I am, though. It's no surprise. I'm a monster that destroys everything, and goes around dwelling and brooding.

Mom got mad at me today. I'm glad I'm not opening up to her anymore. I can't stand her, and she doesn't deserve to know all of my dark secrets. She doesn't even care. One second she acts like she does care, but then the next, she's going back to taking all her shit out on me again.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I'm just so alone, and I have no direction really. I'm falling forever it feels like.

Feeling nothing, and feeling good.

Alex sent me a picture of her cat today. I took it as a sign of trying to be friendly. That was my mistake. I have a problem with letting myself get close to people no matter how much I get hurt. And thinking we were getting along to be basically told "fuck off, my boyfriend's coming over" definitely hurts.

Until this, I'd been fine. I felt closed off from everything, and emotionless. Everything I've really ever wanted. Now my wounds are open again. Lucky for me, my body's used to it and it heals faster these days.

So the Alex thing doesn't bother me anymore. It's been nice feeling nothing. I hope it goes on longer.

Other than that, today's been quiet. I like it. Nothing to worry about, and no one to make me depressed. All the craziness in my head is a little more silenced than normal. It's like waking up refreshed after going to bed with a bad headache.

Except I crave for what causes the headaches. That's my biggest problem. Like everything else, the craving has been subsided for now, and like I said, I hope it lasts a lot longer. I could get used to feeling nothing. Of course then, I'd have nothing to really write about, but that just means I wouldn't have anything I'd have to write about. Because I still do this as a way of relief.

The only thing that's still there is the pain in my chest. I guess that's where everything builds up, so it's hard to not feel it. I have a lot inside of me, and I don't know how to release it. I wish it was as easy as jerking of or throwing up. Nothing's really easy.

I'm disappearing.

I was looking Alex's pictures, and noticed she deleted he comment ":]" on a picture I liked of her. That hurts. But then I realized everything I posted on her wall was gone, too. I know I would delete stuff I posted sometimes, but I know I didn't delete everything.

I guess that's her way of getting rid everything about me. I don't blame her. She's starting a new life, so getting rid of me is a smart move. At least she didn't delete me, and block me. That's something at least.

I won't be going up to Taylor's place this weekend. It's not like I thought it would actually pan out anyways, but I did drop her. I ended things with us, because I can't handle someone who doesn't communicate. I spent all day trying to get a hold of her today. She was online on two different websites, she was posting on them. She was even posting with her phone.

But for some reason, every text or IM I sent, she wasn't responding to them. And then she claimed to be busy and shit. Or something. I can't do it. It's a shame, because she was really pretty, but I need someone a little more aware of what's going on in a relationship.

It also sucks, because she was my last hope in trying to achieve some kind of happiness. A way to keep battling my monster. But this is it. This is life's way of saying that I'm fucked forever, and that I need to stop fighting it.

This is why I'm always unhappy; I'm always fighting against the current.

If Alex wants to delete all evidence of me and if life wants me to be miserable, then I guess that's what's going to happen.

Embracing myself.

It was another quiet drive to work this morning. It was obvious the hatred in me took it's place in me over night. I could feel it there, but then it was obvious during work when I started to feel angry for no reason. 

It was funny today when someone pointed out that they haven't seen me smile the whole time I've been here. She asked jokingly what happened to make 
me this way. I don't really like her. She's one of those overly happy and social people; annoying.

I've kept to myself all day at work not worrying about anything. I will just focus on my task, and embrace the fact that I'm alone.

I've tried many times to break away from who I am and be happy, but this is the last time I'll try. This is all I have, and I just have to make the best of it. 

I'm done trying to find a girlfriend. I'm done trying to get along with people. If Alex wants to leave me behind, let her. I'm done opening up to mom. The only thing I'm gonna do; the only thing I can do is rot and wither away till everything's done.

Nothing hurts right now, and it's all I can do to at least smile about that. 

Undeserving.

I got something that my dad don't got; strong booze when the last hit struck. A certain drink for a punchline with no joke on fight nights. Going on karaoke explaining pitches to bitches. Trying to explain the name of my band; I am what I am.


So it's exciting catching my hand writing. Catching my art as it drips off my lips; jerking off till my dick hurts. I have these emotional problems that come in big outbursts. It's not if, but when my ship sinks, I'll give you a hands on tour. So hold your breath as I cup your little breast. Still thinking of the times when things didn't hurt as much; it's time that I give into my monster and do those things as such: a pornographic house party while I'm still living in your body on your computer screen.


I'm shouting for things that don't exist. A god to be my fan. A fan to blow my way. Even though I haven't felt it in years, I'm sure my eyes will keep looking everywhere for a way back to that night. A diseased mind going out of its way to relive a traumatizing a night; a jealous boyfriend hoping to figure out what to say what's right.


I got no clothes to cover these scars, and I got no skin to cover up these bruises. A fight with someone you love is a fight that loses. When I wake up with the bottle, I'm trying to find the cap. I need a top to put on this dead man with a face turned red. He looked to me, and said "Place me beside someone who cares." 

Fucking up is all I'm good at.

I had a dream about Emily last night. We got back together, and it was so real. So of course I was in a lot of pain this morning. It was a very quiet drive to work. I told Alex about it, but she didn't care. She seemed upset about something that I'll never know about. I tried to make jokes to lighten the mood. I could only imagine anyone would be annoyed when they have to hear from me after spending a whole day with someone they like a lot.

And speaking of her and Matt, apparently, I was right to be worried that Alex will leave me. All I did was take an interest in her and Matt, and I thought that subject was something we talk about with each other. But I guess telling Brian and Tom is okay, and then it's too much when I ask about it.

I thought I was important to her, but no, I'm still all alone and no one could give two shits about some asshole who can't be happy. And now she doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. I knew she would leave me.

I just wanted to be her friend. I just wanted us to be able to talk. It's just like when we were dating. I always fuck up, and ruin everything. She should just leave me, because I can't ever make her happy. She has Matt, and I'm just in her way.

I'm just a screw up.

I can't even keep talking to one girl for more than three days. How many girls have I talked to lately, and been rejected? What do I do that drives everyone away from me? I just try to care, and take an interest.

Every day I go out and I'm driving, I wish so much that I would get hit. I wish I would just die, and end all this suffering. I make everyone around me upset, and I cam never stay happy.

If Alex, for some reason, keeps talking to me, then I'll just keep my feelings to myself. I'm not her problem, and my wanting to be in her life is obviously some kind of hazard. I want o be important to her, but it's hurting her. I don't know what to do.

I'm trying to force myself into her life when she doesn't need me. She's just doing me a favor by staying in my life.

So I guess this is it. The monster inside me is telling me it's time to wake up. It's time to stop pretending to be happy.

That calming feeling where you finally embrace your fate, and that black and icy bitterness swelling up on my chest.

I can't keep anyone in my life, and I don't know why I try. Alex will probably delete me off of her FB again and go off and live a nice life without me. I'm jealous.

I'll keep coming to work with a darkness wrapped around me, because it's the only thing I can count on. It's the only thing that will never leave me.

Before Alex stops talking to me forever, I should apologize and let her go free to stop worrying about me.

Didn't want to hear it, but asked anyways.

I'm in pain. I shouldn't have asked Alex about what she and Matt did. I'm just not ready for it. It sucks so bad. It's almost like when she broke up with me. She's probably going to hate me now, because I'm acting how I did in our old relationship. I don't know what to do.

I do know that she seemed annoyed when she told me she was going to bed. I guess it was because of her migraine, but of course I want to take it as she's annoyed with me.

And then Taylor wouldn't talk to me. And finally after letting my pain and paranoia go overboard, she finally tells me she was watching a baseball game with her brother. Why couldn't she just tell me she was going to be busy? I explained to her that I need to know things.

It's because it's me. We've only been talking for two days, so of course I have to freak out about everything.

I swear I feel like I'm going to break down any second now. Why can't I just be happy?

Nothing changes.

I'm not doing very well today. I don't know if I've been subconsciously holding things in, but it feels like I'm being eaten at. It feels kind of like I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Last night, I was hurt a little when talking to Alex for the first time since we started talking. I was honestly trying to help her with this problem and when I made a suggestion as a way to genuinely help her, she shut me down. I guess she was joking, but it felt like there was no way in the world she'd want to accept my help or something.

I didn't want to tell her about it, though, because she has her own problems I guess, and I don't wanna hamper out relationship with my trivial problems.

I wished her well with being with Matt today. I think I'm sad because when they get serious, she won't have any more time for me and she'll just forget about me. I genuinely want her to be happy with someone, so I guess I'll have to let her go eventually. No one I ever loved stayed in my life, so it's only a matter of time.

I was going to ask her how everything's going, but I'm sure the last thing she wants is for me to be pestering her.

Apparently, I'm not really ready for her to be with someone else, anyways. She texted me saying they kissed, basically, and pain shot through me. I'm happy for her, but...I'm in so much pain. Someone I wanted to kiss so bad is kissing someone else, and forgetting everything about me. But as long as she's happy.

Work is okay. It's very tiring, and no one likes me. I keep asking for something to do but they don't give me any work, and then they seem to look down on me for doing nothing.

I've just never been good at being good enough. I was hoping I could make friends here, but every time I talk to someone, they just walk off. When they do talk to me, they have a very "whatever" attitude.

Towards the end of my shift, it got a little better. But, really, it's just like school all over again. I'm just hanging out by myself, and being alone.

Taylor didn't really talk to me, either. She kept saying she wanted to talk, but she was no where to be seen. I called her on my break, but she seemed annoyed. I don't know why people just seem to not like me.

I even brought it up to her and how it was bothering me, but all she would say is that she only wants me. That didn't answer anything I talked to her about. So I said "never mind then," she literally responded with "ok :)" I just don't know what to do.

I feel like I should just give up. I can try to change myself as much as I want, but people and my emotional reactions are always going to be the same.





There's a ghost of someone that's come crawling. Organizing a morbid train of thought. No
scattered ashes for the fire that's burning me up. 


A pain killer for an egotistical soul, and a knife for someone feeling bold. I have a 
thirsty mind for you, but no one will even give me a cup.


So I sleep on my stomach hoping to deny myself the existance of the things that like to
hurt me. Hiding my face from other faces that like to scratch at me with their smiles.
So here I am waiting, and you keep asking if there's anyone else that I'm dating.


What's your plan on fading? Losing me like shedding your snake skin. So if I'm still 
alive and in love, then what's the point if I can't bathe my sin. Am I a shenanigan?


The palms on your face are straightening, and the hair on my skin is curling. The 
feeling that I'm about to throw up; just another day after eating my fill of your 
disgust. Thinking about how I'm gonna give up, and rings that I wanted to put on your
finger. The needle to start a song, and slave to your every need. A drug that I pray
to your Jesus relieves me of my duty to die on your cross. 


Looks like a clear sky for the dead, and no angel with any tears to shed for my strings. 
I gotta lot to offer, and nothing to bring. A potential shot down by the holy words 
"I win." Losing a game of chance, and losing the chance to game. If I had to go to Vegas,
I'd come home in debt. You're mostly what I think about.

Bullshit religion.

I guess I spoke too fucking soon. I can't believe I thought some asshole Christian would be okay with me being an atheist. I really hate religion. I'm nice, caring, honest, and loyal. But apparently, I'm as bad as all the assholes out there because I have a fucking brain and I'm not retarded or deluded enough to believe in the adult version of Santa Claus.

I'm not even really sad about losing her anymore. Alex is right. I don't need some Jesus cock sucker.

I'll just keep looking, and eventually someone will come along.

Thanksfully, I was at work when this dumbass rejected me, so I could keep working and take my frustration out. And I also should thank Alex for being there for me and cheering me up. So, yeah. It hurt a lot at first, but I'm over it now.

I'm over her, but it still hurts because I'm still sad about losing my happiness. She may have been an idiot Jesus freak, but she made me happy and made me look forward to what could have been.

But fuck her.

So what now? I keep looking, and I now get to have more fuel for my hatred of this bullshit religion.

Besides all that, Alex and I have been doing amazing. She calls me her bro, but we both know we're more than just bro's to each other. We're there for each other. I'm 100% rooting for everything to work out with her and Matt. So, yes, knowing who we both are and knowing we both drew the short straw in life, I am worried that she'll get hurt.

But one of us is bound to get lucky and stay that way eventually. My luck lasted two days, but it hasn't completely ran out. I still have a job which I'm still glad I have.

I'm a hard person to really and fully like and appreciate. I guess it'll be that much harder for to find someone.

On a lucky streak.

Lately, everything has been really good. I started my job, and it's great. It's tough and easy to get really tired, but I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying having something to keep me busy, and I can come home tired and just chill. No more boredom. It's great.

What else is great? I have another date on Monday! I started talking to another girl. Which makes me sound like a player. That's cool.

Anyways, this girl is really nice and really easy to talk to. I've been enjoying myself with her. She's also really cute. This is a date I'm actually so excited for. I'm going to go pick her up, and we're gonna go eat Mexican. I'm sure we may do something else afterwards, or just stay there and talk.

After Emily and Alex living so far away, it's a really nice plus that this girl, Kara, lives less than ten minutes away. So if we hit it off, I never have to figure out how to be with her in person.

I have my job, and now a date with a girl who likes me and is "excited to go out with a very cute guy."

It's scary how good I'm doing. And that's only part of it. This is dumb, but the two Rooster Teeth Shorts DVD's came in the mail today. I do like my DVD's.

It's a good day, and I have a lot to look forward to.

Balancing out my life.

The date tonight went okay. It was a good date on paper. We talked and got along, but the feelings just aren't there. I don't want to force something like wanting to date someone or liking someone out of loneliness. It just doesn't work.

I'm surprisingly the kind of guy that rather wait to have sex with someone I love than fake being into someone just for a blow job. I'm too far into the idea of being with someone who's perfect for me. I don't believe in a god, but I believe in true love. How fucked up do you have to be....

I do know that I'm too fucked up right now to be in a relationship. I'm pretty sure I'll be eating those words sooner than later, but I'm kind of strong. Something really good is bound to come my way one day.

But still, I just don't think I should be in a relationship right now. Or at least force my feelings for someone I don't feel them for. It's not fair to her, or me. So I was honest with her tonight. She wanted to know how I thought it went, and I said that I felt like we were more like friends. She didn't like that and I was sorry, but I just don't wanna do something I know I'm not gonna be happy with.

So what happens? Of course, I can't fake my feelings for one night for a girl who's really into sex, but I'm completely happy when my ex and I are getting along.

It's so crazy what happened. Alex and I just clicked, and it was so obvious we were meant to be friends like this. Best friends. It's like she's replacing Evan which is great. We got along so well, and made jokes and poked at each other about past embarrassments from our old relationship. We're texting again now, I think? Or at least sending pictures of our cats and stuff to each other.

She even called me butthead. I literally felt like I lit up. I couldn't be happy being on a date, but being called butthead by my ex is what does it for me.

So what I really need to do is hold on to this feeling. I know the idea of falling back in love can really get to me if I let it, but I think I may have a good hold on it, because being friends like this is what I genuinely want. I got over the Tom thing for the most part.

While I'm happy about Alex, I feel a little bad. I've never broke something off with a girl before. Well....I broke up with Alex more than a few times out of being completely irrational. But I've never had to let a girl down like this before as a completely rational person and doing it while trying to soften the blow.

I don't want to dwell on it too much, though. I'm sorry she'll be in pain, but I need to be selfish right now and focus on making myself happy and fixing myself. I can't do it if I'm worried about someone else.

I have my job, and a best friend. I have what I need for now.

Too fucked up to be happy.

There's this girl I've been talking to a bit for a few days. We decided to meet today. I'm honestly kind of scared. I'm really scared of getting hurt again.

We have a lot in common, though. So maybe she's safe.

Maybe I'm so used to long distance that I'm worried I'm too fucked up now. I'm sure I'd do okay. She seems to like me a lot.

Despite everything, I'm still excited to meet her and hang out. Alex seemed happy to be with someone new, but I don't want to end up abandoned like she was. Its kind of funny that I'm going to meet a girl, and I'm still thinking of Alex. She really has a hold on me it seems.

When I think about it, I wanted to be supportive, but it still hurt a little to hear her talk about moving to Cleveland and being with this guy after a year of trying to be with her in Cleveland. But this girl likes conventions and stuff. She's kind of nerdy. I guess life just moves on, and I hope Alex can deal with me seeing someone else better than me. I don't see why not. She claimed to not love me at all anymore.

Either way, I finally start work tomorrow and I'm meeting a girl tonight. I should just try to be happy.

Do I really not care about anything, or do I just care too much?

Alex came to me tonight. I guess she needed to rant about a guy she likes. Not that I didn't think it was nice that she thought she could come to me, but I'm still wondering why she wanted to rant to me.

I guess she realizes we're both the same when it comes to being unhappy. Maybe she knew I wouldn't try to convince her that it all gets better. Because honestly, I can completely understand where she's coming from. She says all the kind of things I say, and said when I was her age.

Being like this myself is bad enough, but seeing someone I was in love with have to suffer like I do....well, it's no fun. There's nothing I can tell her. The pain's just gonna be there forever.

I tried to convince myself that cutting allowed me some form of relief, but it honestly never really did. I would cut harder and deeper, but now all I have are scars from nothing. I thought that by hurting myself, I was replacing my emotional pain with the physical pain. All I really got was a half minute distraction, and then the emotional pain would crash back into me.

The truth is that there is no relief. Everything hurts all the time. And I wish it didn't have to be so for Alex. The one way I kind of thought we were different was that she cared about things. She had ambition. I let myself go a long time ago to not caring about anything anymore. So maybe if I can figure out a way to help her?

I know I can't help her now, but I'm positive that once she starts college, maybe she'll start to feel a little better. She'll be riding off the high of being free from her parents, being in a completely new place on her own, and all that.

But then reality crashed back into me when she admitted she was actually on PMDD.

I felt like I was putting a lot of myself into the conversation. Being worried about her, and genuinely caring about her and this problem she's going through. But really, she was just on her PMDD. She's messed up right now, so she'll feel better once it wears off.

It just kind of sucks. I don't know. She only needed to rant to me, because of her PMDD. She came to me out of her irrationality. She doesn't really need me.

So then, why did I write this whole thing? I don't know. I guess, despite not wanting her to be in pain, it was still nice to think there's someone out there going through what I go through. But in the end, she gets like this because of her PMDD, and I'm like this because it's just who I am.

I guess the moral of the story is that I really am alone.

But it doesn't change anything. I care about her, and whether she's on PMDD or not, I'll still keep putting a lot of effort into helping her because that's what I want. I want her to be happy.

Especially, because I did feel bad at the end. She ended up crying, and wanting me to leave her alone. I honestly didn't know if she wanted me to actually stay and keep talking, or she really wanted to talk. I feel this way, because she didn't have to say anything at all if she just wanted to me to go away.

But I'm not her boyfriend, and while I'm happy to help her when she needs it, it isn't my job to figure out what she really wants from me anymore. She should just say, right? She at least comes to me with problems, though. I'm just writing in this blog. But she is able to read this blog, so it's not a big deal. She knows how I feel about a lot.

I just hope I ended up being able to help her at all tonight. I know just talking to someone can help, and I hope at least did that much for her. I don't wanna date her, but I still wanna be important to her I guess, It's lame of me; I know.

Unfair.

Emily has a new FB picture of her, and her boyfriend. I wasn't even trying to look at her or nothing, but it had to be one of those fucking random "People You May Know." Thank you, FB.

It was a punch in the gut. I felt my body just kind of stop for a few seconds, and now I'm depressed. It's no mystery that I'm not fully over Emily, but when I'd been doing so well, the last thing I want to see is that.

I don't want to see someone I was in love with for so long with someone else. It really hurts.

It's not fair that everyone I meet can get along so easily without me. She and Alex both seem to be way better without me, and I gets to deal with two break ups at the same time.




Did everyone hear me cry there? I swear I care. It's the example of the calculative first; an enema for the people I always thirst. Cheery faced enemies that I don't think could feel the regret of an oppressor who's forced to manipulate as the silent repressor.


Thank for you for the applaud as I look anxiously courting the mall. There's nothing in it; a hollow bullet that invited me in and offered me a pendant. I can show it off if you'd like. If it gets you to turn this way.

I can't seem to stop hating this guy.

And so it starts. It seems no matter how good tonight was, a post from Tom on Alex's FB is going to get to me regardless. It's like he was waiting for us to break up, or something.

I really need a way to get over this. For some reason, I can be okay with Alex talking to other guys and potentially dating them, but I'm probably never gonna like Tom. It's understandable I think. When Alex and I first started dating, she added me on FB and I saw a post from Tom where they were both talking shit about me. I honestly felt, at the time, that no matter what Alex said, I just couldn't get over it. And the whole year together, it was the one thing I couldn't let go of.

She'd probably call me retarded right now for holding onto something like this especially now that we're broken up. I guess all I can say is that the situation can change, but the pain's there to stay once it's been dealt. And that was really hard for me to see. It was when my jealousy was super bad, and we just started dating.

When I think about it, I'm not really jealous of Tom. I'll be honest though, that'd be so fucked up if they started dating, so I can only hope to some kind of god that they don't start flirting again. But yeah, I'm not jealous of Tom. I just hate him. I hated how he knew about me and my jealousy, and how lame I was. It almost seemed like he would flirt just to personally fuck with me.

So, no. I don't think I can ever get over it. All I can do is wonder why Alex even added him back in the first place. Were they secretly talking behind my back even after she deleted him? So I guess this is exactly what I need. To have a good night, and then get like this. Retarded, and paranoid.



EDIT: I was honestly upset when I wrote the above stuff, but I think I've kind of calmed down some. I think I just wanted to write about how I guess seeing Alex and Tom talk shit about me cut me really deep. So it's just hard to have to see them talking. I still remember seeing it, walking into the kitchen shaking, and just losing it. It's a very vivid and clear memory, and I just remember things like that when it's that painful.

Regardless of our relationship status, it's just always going to sting I guess. I seem to have loved Alex way more than I let myself believe, or else I wouldn't have to deal with this. Do I still love her, though? I don't even know. I'm not in love with her, and I guess I love in her in the way that I'll just always enjoy the good memories we do have. But I care about  her a lot.



ANOTHER EDIT: This afternoon, I checked FB. Like usual, I just wanted to check Alex's FB to get it out of my system for the day, and I was literally squeezing my hand in anticipation. I saw that she replied to Stephanie, and now I was about to see her reply to Tom. I think it sucks how bad the pain was swelling up, and I wish I could control it. But what do you know. The pain quickly died when I saw that she didn't reply.

It made me feel better, but I still wonder why she added him back. It felt like maybe she didn't reply to him on the account of me. IF so, then I thank her for considering my feelings like that. Either way, I'll just try to enjoy the day and the company coming over to keep my mind off of it.



TRIPLE EDIT: Never mind. She did reply to Tom. I was kind of thinking about how I watched all the seasons of Scrubs, and she'd quote it a lot to me. I guess that's something she does with Tom now. When I think about it, she has something different with all her guy friends. So what's special about me? The guy she used to date, and can fix her computer? Well, we're still healing, so we'll see.

How do you keep someone?

It hit me that while Alex is out there making new friends, I'm still stuck here in my room. I have no one to talk to except her every now and then. It just kind of makes me depressed.

I don't know how to meet people. Alex has the luxury of being good looking, and having guys just approach her. I'm not good looking at all, so how do I approach a girl? When I was in high school, I'd try to talk to a lot of people, but no one wanted to talk to me. It's no wonder I have a low self-esteem, and that I feel powerless about meeting people.

It keeps popping in my head, the image of her hanging out with what sounded like a guy with the ideal look she wants, and me just sitting around alone. I always had to struggle with being the loser in school, and even college. It seems unfair that I'll probably always be like this.

I think what drew me and Alex to each other was the fact that we were both losers. But Alex really isn't a loser. She had a lot of friends. She says she's gotten rid of most of them, but she still has way more friends than I've ever had. So she wasn't a loser, and it seemed like finding out that she isn't one and that I really am one...it feels lonely.

I used to talk a lot about how I deserve to be alone anyways, and that I'm better off alone. But I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to stop losing everyone to better people.

Adjusting to the changes.

Well, tonight was very trying. Alex and I talked tonight, but it felt like it got a little tense. Of course, I had to be stupid and ask about the guys she talks to now. I can't really help it. Even when I know something's going to hurt me, but it's something I really want to know about, then I just gotta ask.

It got tense, because I came off as trying to insinuate something. I'm not gonna lie, though. That whole conversation really hurt. But I can't be like that anymore, and if I do act like that, she'll get rid of me quickly. It's obvious her new outlook on life has made her stronger, and she doesn't have time for broken people like me anymore.

So I did all I could do. I tried to be supportive, and gets to know what she's doing. Whether she's looking to date her new friend, or just wanna make new friends. When I think about it, I guess what hurts a lot is realizing that I'm now just one of her guy friends that she talks to. I'm sure when she starts dating, she'll have to explain Brian, the guy who helps her with her problems, and whoever else. Who knows what she'll say about me. The guy that made her life hard for a year, but still talks to out of pity.

Either way, as the conversation went on, the pain did subside some. There's still a sharp pain in my chest, but I guess I'm just gonna have to wait to be okay with her doing this. I mean Emily's dating someone, and it doesn't bother me. So I know I can get to the point where Alex's friends don't bother me.

But the worst part is that I'm not allowed to feel this way; jealous. And I don't want to be jealous at all. I told Alex I just need some more time so that I can fully heal, and that's the truth. I'm sure I'll get to where I'm fine with all her guy friends, because that's what I am now. A guy friend. I guess she'd understand that I would feel this way. We did date a year, so of course the transition will take time for me to get used to.

When I think about it, I'm also very jealous of Alex. It's no joke that she's changed, and for the better, too. I'm very jealous of her take charge attitude. It's something that I've literally never been able to do. She must have been like this at one point, because I've never been like that. It's just not my nature I suppose, so I don't know how to be like that.


I don't normally do this, but I'm in the mood to write, and I could start using this blog to write in. So here I go.


Every once in a while, when the mood strikes, I am very much the ladies man. Under the nights sky, everywhere I go, I can consume a great deal of things that take things inside. 


A spider is a calculative thirst, and in it's nest is a loaf I'd like to get my hands on. So can't get caught; cheer for me as I'd like to do these things to you.


I'm sinking in my pants, because they're too big. All I'd like to do is hide inside them, and hide in my room when I don't think anything can help. 


So under all these stabs I've taken, I'd just like to let you know I'm okay with the continuity. Chasing horses on foot steps in a desperate race to keep things the way they were are my lies and the love for them is my nature to strive. 




I guess that's all I really have in me. It's been a while.

So despite the night starting rough, it did end on a nice note. I decided to take charge myself, and just put it out there. I wanted to know straight up what our situation was and what we're aiming at if anything at all. Surprisingly, what she wanted was to be friends, and she wished things didn't end bad. So we're on the same page, and we both agree that we both need some more time before we can move on completely.

I guess this is the nice feeling of being head strong. Instead of worrying all the time, I can just put things out there and maybe things are a lot better than you think.

Stimulating thoughts.

To keep my mind off of everything, I've surprisingly been thinking about exactly the kind of stuff I'd like to not think about. I guess I mean that I've been thinking about some good memories to keep the bad stuff out. I suppose it's working. I'm not depressed or anything, and it's kind of made me smile a bit to think about.

I've mainly thought about it to keep boredom at bay. It's been said that boredom can easily lead to depression, and that's probably why I was so depressed in Atlanta all the time. I had no friends, and I was always bored.

So what's been on my mind? I was thinking about how visiting Emily in Savannah a lot is probably the most I've ever been happy. I remember I visited her in October in 2009, and she did a lot for my birthday. She took me out to eat crab legs one night. And then the next night she took me to a movie. It's funny, because she said I could either get popcorn there or we could go to the philly place next door after the movie. I noticed that the theater had its own serving station or whatever, and I could put all the butter I wanted on my popcorn, so I went with the popcorn. The funniest thing is that after the movies, she ended up wanting phillies anyways, so we went and got phillies. I always thought one of the cutest things about her and Alex was that they ate more than I did.

She did a lot of stuff for me, and any guy would be happy with what she did. It was nice.

I was also remembering that Alex had mailed me a gift for my birthday last year. I was really happy about it, and not because of what she got me, but just the gesture itself. I had this girlfriend that wanted to spend money to mail me this big box of food which I still have (the box). I had always really regretted that we ended up getting in a big fight right before her birthday, and we didn't even talk on her birthday. So I always felt really sorry for that, because I know I should've just sucked it up and made the day about her, because I actually did have a lot of things I wanted to do for her and give her, and she had a bad history of having really crappy birthdays.

But then I started thinking about what'd it be like to be with Alex in person. Emily and I took care of each other, and it was hard for me and Alex to do that online. We could talk all night to calm each other down, but it just wasn't nearly as nice or needed as a plain hug and kiss. So could we have really been perfect in person? I'll honestly never know, but I always had this gut feeling that we'd just end up fighting all the time anyways because of her PMDD.

She always tried to assure me that it wouldn't be as bad in person, but I just didn't know. But that plus my sensitivity just spelled trouble I thought.

So here's the weirdest part. It hit me that I haven't really done anything sexual in more than a few days because of everything that had been going on. But now that everything's calmed down, I realized I was really in the mood, and that I'm still sexually attracted to Alex. But I can't be blamed for that. I was, despite all the bad times, very attracted to her, and always thought she looked amazing. So if I do anything, I'll most likely think about her, because I guess I have a lot of nice memories of her regarding that stuff.

I remember she really wanted to know what it was like to have me go down on her, and I remember I always used to think I couldn't wait to show her when we went to Dragoncon together or something. So I guess I can move on from a relationship, but how do you move on from being attracted to someone? I'm sure it's different for girls, and she'll never think of me like that again. So I guess I might as well indulge myself into thinking of her when the mood strikes.

So I guess a lot's been on my mind today. Hopefully, once I start working, I won't have to think so much all the time to keep myself occupied.

Letting go of being in control.

I feel like I'm beginning to obsess again. Someone told me Evan was trying to figure out what to say, but I honestly don't think he's gonna say anything. I also am wondering if Alex is going to add me.

So now I have to wait. I like to think I'm kind of a patient person, but these two things are really pushing it for me. I tried reading about how to get over an obsession, but it wasn't really working and it was mostly about helping people obsessing over something they're paranoid about. I guess I'm paranoid about Alex's reaction because I don't want to annoy her, and about whether Evan will say anything or not.

Someone, I don't remember who, mentioned that I like to be in control. It's obvious now that I'm not in control. So maybe instead of fixing what I'm obsessed about, I just need to learn to be okay with not being in control.

But when I think about that, it honestly....I can't even comprehend it. Of course I'd love to go all day not stressing about anything, especially about stuff like this, but I just can't view myself as not caring enough to go all day not worrying. It seriously is something I don't know if I can do. I guess this is where professional help comes in. I'll have to remember this post when they ask me about something I want to fix. I want to be okay with not being in control, and learn to fully let go. I also want to learn how to not be so sensitive, but is that something that can even be fixed?


When I think about the fact that I'm doing this and trying to help myself, I wonder if I could've done it while dating Alex, or if I needed to be in that much pain from the break up to finally push me to fix myself. We may not be dating, but I'd like to think we can still kind of support each other. She's getting help, and I may be getting help soon. I know when she talked about not wanting to go to college and how life sucked, I was able to kind of calm her down I think. Maybe I helped her, or maybe she was just hearing the same crap from another person.

Either way, I just want to keep telling myself on here that things may or will be fine. And I just need to keep working at believing it. Of course the high of taking charge of myself will wear off sooner than later, so that's when I need to be ready to keep tackling everything, because I really don't want to give up. I really want to be better.

Doing stupid things.

I was watching a movie tonight, and then out of nowhere, I decide to randomly check Facebook. And I had a message. I thought it was from Evan, but even weirder, it was from Alex. Even more weirder was that she wanted to let me know that she didn't fool around with anyone when she went to the guys house.

I had already mostly convinced myself that she didn't do nothing anyways, but there's nothing like hearing her reassure me. I feel dumb for thinking it, but I must be doing something right if my ex still seems to care about my well being. I mean she knows how I am, and I can go forever, it seems like, stressing myself out over things like that that just creep into my mind.

This is where I messed up, though. I wrote her back, but thought I  answered too late. So I decided to text her saying thanks, and I didn't even realize that it was two in the  morning. Sigh. Dumb of me. But I texted her this late before, and she slept through it, so I'm sure I didn't wake her up.

And now this is where it got even more worse. I added her on FB. I don't know what it is, but I guess feeling good about myself for once just makes me do things I wouldn't do normally do. I messaged her and Evan out of no where, and now I'm adding Alex. So here's what I need to do. I recognize that I have a problem with over-worrying, and I need to just think about how this could go. One: she'll add me, or two: she won't because she's not ready yet, and she'll understand that I just wanted to try or whatever. Or she'll be annoyed...

Sigh. Well, I guess I'll see. But if she's not ready, then that's fine. I only really want to add her just because I wonder what she's doing. Even though she doesn't get online, I still wonder sometimes, and just wanna have a quick look at her FB and then go on my way. She would understand that, though, since she likes creeping. I just like creeping on people I care about.

Alone, but looking to the future.

I lost some important people in the last year and a half. People that I said I would take over everyone else, because they were in my life for so long and I came to love them more than anything else. I think it's a lot to lose in that small amount of time.

One of them, though, I was actually lucky enough to keep around as a friend. One of them; I just had too much history together as a couple, and we couldn't stay friends. And then the last one I actually tried to talk to recently to try and do something about it. We had gotten into a fight and never resolved anything. Surprisingly, there were a lot of people that wanted us to talk again. It took me a year to do so, but I finally said something to him.

What really surprises me though is that he actually didn't have anything to say. I guess I should be glad it didn't really hurt. I guess enough time has passed so that I'm basically fine without him. I only sent him a message anyways just from the spur of the moment from having a nice day.

I don't know. Maybe he's just thinking about what to say? Either way, I guess I don't really care.

What I do care about is the fact that I've been dwelling on my pain and loneliness for over a year now, and I'm finally ready to get better and move on. I think when someone like Alex comes into your life and you have nothing to do but complain about other people leaving you rather than eing glad you have someone now, then it's time to start picking up the pieces.

I talked to mom a little about now that I have a job, I can start saving up and one day I'll move to Seattle. I'm guessing I could do this in a year or so? She's cool with that which is good. Now I have to talk about trying to get some professional help while I'm still here in Georgia. I'll have to see how that goes.

Not a normal day at all.

Today was kind of one of those days where it's literally scary how good it was. Like it was so nice that you know the next few days will be bad. It seriously scares me.

But I guess rather than dwelling, I can focus on the fact that I'm genuinely happy. Many good things happened today, and that deserves a post. So I can remember that things can be good, too. Sometimes.

I got a job, I messaged my best friend who I haven't talked to in over a year, and I plan on talking to my mom about getting some professional help. But it surprisingly didn't end there. There was a new Bioshock video, and I thought even if we're not talking, I'm sure Alex still likes Bioshock. And on the spur of the moment, I decided to just test the waters, and send it to her.

I was extremely surprised that she responded with a neat picture to show me. I'm still surprised. It's probably gonna boggle my mind for a good while. But the main point is that it led us into a conversation. And a really nice one, too. I'm surprised I wasn't angry with her, or anything. I'm really glad that I felt, for once, the way I wanted to feel which was to be glad that we could get along without dating or anything.

I seriously hope I didn't come off as....anything but trying to be friendly. I don't know if she maybe thought I was scheming to get back with her or anything. But that really wasn't the case. I just wanted to get along.

There was only one moment that kind of sucked which was finding out how she went to a guys house all night while we were still dating. The wounds are still fresh, so of course this stung. But I'd like to think I really knew her, and she didn't do anything. Even if she went over there after the break up, I know she wouldn't do anything anyways.

The most important part of that is that we are broken up, and it's not my business. I think I'm okay with that. A little. I think I just kind of want to be assured that she didn't fool around behind my back, even if everything did suck between us. But one thing that did make me feel a lot better is being assured some things.

The biggest reason why everything was so bad last night was the paranoia of Alex going back to Tom, or talking shit behind my back, or whatever. I was just really paranoid about it for some reason, but she told me about how she doesn't even get online anymore and a lot of stuff about not even telling people about how we broke up and everything. I wanna try to stop being an obsessed kind of person, but I'm still glad to hear that so I can totally rest easy.

Either way, and I know it's probably dumb to be so glad, but this talk is exactly what I needed. I talked before about how she never had the chance to be as good as Emily, but Emily and I never was able to just talk and try to get along after we broke up. Of course, we had a lot more history, but whatever.

Before I start rambling, the point is is that me and Alex talked and got along really well tonight. She even said that it was nice talking to me, too. I could not have asked for it to go any better. And it's all thanks to that Bioshock video that came out today and getting a job to make me happy enough to try and test the waters out with Alex.

So holy shit. I'm happy. Who knew it could happen.