Things have calmed down a little I think. I just feel kind of dull; not really numb. There's still some pain there eating at me. I had my little episode yesterday, and I got it out of me for the most part.
Ryn has started seeing the nastiness that comes from knowing me more and more. She's starting to see the irrationality in me, and starting to realize that the con's far outweigh the pro's when in comes to being friends with me. It's honestly breaking my heart to realize that she'll stop talking to me any day now.
All I can do now is back off, and give our relationship some distance in hopes of calming down. She feels like I treat her like an "evil bitch," and she's not wrong. I tend to expect a lot from her seeing as she's my only friend. But having a friend that barely talks to you is better than no friend I suppose. I guess I always felt like we were close, but now I see it must have been a one sided thing. Or at least I hope it wasn't.
Alex and I are going through another rough patch, because of me again. She seems less annoyed with me this time, and I guess that's because of how quickly I backed off. But then I annoyed her with the drawing I did. Either way, it feels like we're just backing off a little. It does seem like, sometimes, that we get too close in the sense that I become too vulnerable. I still need to find a balance with her, but honestly, I'll probably never find it.
I don't know what I'm going to do. It feels like I should just continue riding this out, but it's too much and I just can't handle it anymore. I called the doctors office, and their next opening isn't even until September. So that's not going to be anything happening soon. I'm still stuck on my own, and I can't take it.
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