I hate when you say something, and you know you're just being paranoid and upset, but then what you say really happens. Today, my boss came up to me and told me if I don't step it up, they're going to let me go since I'm still in my probation period. I'm so fucking pissed off right now, because I do just as much work as everyone else and I go the same pace. I seriously don't know what I'll do if I get fired. I'll fucking snap.
If that wasn't enough, Emily's parents were there. Luckily, I don't know if they saw me, and if they did, it was when I was walking off and away from them. It really sucked, because I had to go the whole last hour of work literally shaking.
It made me think about how maybe I'm just having a bad month, but then really, it's more like a bad summer. But if I keep going, it's more like a really bad year. It made me remember back in January, how I was having a really good month, and I told Alex that I felt like this was going to be a really good year.
But what's all even happened to me? Alex broke up with me after months of not getting along at all, my depression and anger and hatred has spiraled out of control, it took me half a year to get a job that I only got because my grandma knew the manager (I wouldn't have gotten it otherwise), I got used sexually and rejected by a good number of girls based on fucking retarded reasons, and now I'm going to lose my job.
No, I would not say this has been a good year at all. In fact, I'm feeling suicidal and not because I'm depressed, but because I am so sick and tired of how hard life is.
I have an empty vessel, and when I want something, whether I'm nothing or I'm feeling a little brave, I can pretend to fuck you in my mind tonight. There are still strings and we still keep our hopes and dreams intertwined. But when I open my eyes later that night, I'm going to need something to strap me down in the wake of my whole way. I wanted to love you like my dads mother loved me; the way that makes me feel like it's worth living.
It's a shame when and how I turn my boredom off, because I already know what I'm looking for when I sit down and take my shorts off. I keep a sock in the drawer to the left, and they know my thoughts. They let me know every once in a while that everything's going to be better.
If you wanted some jewelry, you could have asked, and when I wanted some sugar, I shouldn't have looked to that buttercup you stole from me before mailing my birthday present. It's superstitious to believe people belong to each other. It's the same as believing you'll be okay when you die, because I'm already living in a hell I built for myself.
I can keep pretending to live in my fantasy world, because it puts a smile on my face. I have an imaginary friend based off of my ex girlfriends, and she does things for me that aren't human: make me happy.
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