Another bad day. Another normal day I guess. My chest hurts. I wish I knew how to explain how I feel. I know why I feel like this, but does it matter?
It's like every day is like this, and I'm having to pretend people care about me.
Ryn has this thing where she seems to kind of push me away. Or it feels like it, but she thinks I'm pushing her away. I guess I do that in a way. When I feel like she pushes me away, then I back off to protect myself, but then she gets sad when I back off. She's dating someone, but she's always sending me mixed signals. Sometimes, it's like we're dating, and then other times, it's like she wants to make it perfectly clear that we're not. It hurts. Her boyfriend is long distance, and she never talks about him. So I tend to forget she's not single.
I went out with Shoe today. We were gonna go eat somewhere, and he invited a bunch of other people to come with us. I didn't take it personally, but it hurt. They were all people I knew in high school, but didn't like. So I got to sit at the corner, and keep to myself. Shoe didn't really talk to me. It made me wonder why he wanted to hang out, if he just wanted to be with everyone else.
Alex shut me out today. I was already doing badly today, and then she had to go and make it that much worse. She mentioned something about Brian and I asked about it, but she shut me out. It sucks when she comes to me for help with Brian, and then she rejects me like this. It's like she uses me. She'll come to me when she needs help, but then....fuck me the rest of the time. I guess it's time to start backing off of her again. I enjoyed deluding myself this past week that we were friends, but I guess this is the end of that.
I've been talking to Jason some, because he wants to help me. I told him I wanted to die.
I really mean that, too.
There are a packet of razors at work. I took one of the razors home with me. I haven't used it, but I'm sure I will.
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