Today, a guy that Alex may have dated, if it weren't for me, died. I figured if she would've dated him, she must have liked him enough to be pretty effected by it. Assuming this, I was genuinely sorry for her. I couldn't tell how she was feeling. I had guessed she was telling all of that to Brian, and using him mostly for support.
That didn't keep me from being supportive, but it did make me wonder why she came to me about it. I felt stupid, though, because she was talking about her anxiety messing with her and her face going numb. I was getting really worried that this was effecting her badly. It got worse for me, because she didn't say anything to me.
I decided that I couldn't keep going nuts about it, like I do when someone isn't responding to me. So I had to distance myself in a way of assuming the reason why she wasn't talking. I assumed she was talking to Brian about the situation, and told her I'd talk to her later. It worked kind of, and slowly. I mean I started to calm down which is good, because I can't keep freaking out over her all the time. Eventually, she let me know she was driving and that she was at the dentist.
So while I felt dumb, I didn't feel too dumb. I felt a little annoyed that she didn't tell me what she was doing. She's not my girlfriend, so she doesn't have to. But she knows me so well, that it seems like, not even just me, but anyone would get worried when someone is sad about a death and then starts talking about their face going numb. Or maybe only I'd make that kind of connection.
Either way, I didn't stay annoyed. I eventually asked her to help me take my mind off my pain for a few minutes in which I was happy she was responding quickly, because I needed it. I was in serious pain towards the end of my shift, because I hadn't eaten all day and I'd been working all day, too. I was getting a little dizzy. I sat down some and I couldn't even sit up completely straight, but I got up anyways so my co-workers didn't get mad. So I'm happy Alex could help me.
I talked to Ryn a little today. She was high. I don't really like when she gets high, because it makes me feel weird or whatever to talk to her. She'd obviously think I'm stupid for feeling that way, but I know Alex would completely understand what I'm saying. I just don't know how to talk to people when they're drunk or high.
Either way, we talk less and less every day which sucks. She's just always busy as hell, and she's a naturally really vague person, so it's really hard for me to think she cares at all when we talk. Every time I bring something like that up, it hurts her feelings in the sense that she thinks I'm trying to say she's a bad person. So I guess she cares in a way. I miss talking to her.
She did specifically say that she can't wait to hang out with her friends including me. I told her I liked how she said "including you," because it came off as she cared enough to say something like that. But then she said "well, if I didn't, you'd just say something negative." That hurt my feelings. I don't blame her at all for saying that, but it just seemed so bitter. Like she's sick of me.
There was one really good thing I remembered today. I remembered Shoe went back to Savannah for school on the 9th, and he said school started a couple days after that, so I'm guessing it starts tomorrow on Friday. This makes me happy, because that means Emily's back in Savannah and I can stop worrying about seeing her in public. It's a huge weight off of my shoulders.
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