Eh.

I was trying to figure out what to talk about tonight by figuring out how I feel. I had a relatively nice day. I worked all day, and had fun joking around with everyone. But work is really a great distraction. I don't feel like I'm really happy. It just...distracts me.

I feel a hatred in me. It feels really intense, but at the same time, I can barely feel it. Does that mean, it's so intense that my body has just kind of "morphed" with it? The hatred is just a natural part of me? At this point, I'll take anything that doesn't cause me pain, and this is causing not much pain. It's just enough that I know it's there.

But who do I hate? Alex? Ryn? Mom? Sure, I hate them sometimes, but I don't want to. I obviously hate myself. I'm a horrible person barely hanging on to my relationships with Alex and Ryn. Both of them would stop talking to me at a hat's drop, because I just mess up too much.

I've been trying to meet people on a serious note, and it's been really hard. The friends I made at Sears was easy. It's easy to get along with people you're not in a serious relationship with. Like with Shoe. He's just a friend. So it doesn't bother me that he hasn't made any time for his supposed best friend since he's been in town. So fuck him.

I guess I can't really figure out this hatred till I talk to a doctor which will probably be a long time from now if at all. Sucks, but I'm getting more used to being alone I think. I'm glad to help Alex without feeling the need to tell her about my problems. Of course, she reads them on here, though. Of course, as well, it does tend to build up, and I need her more and more until I snap.