On a dark road.

I'm trying to decide if I want to delete my Facebook, or not. If I keep it, it's because it's something to do when I'm bored and I'm bored a lot. If I don't keep it, it's because I'm sick and tired of looking at it. I'll keep thinking about it.

Mom didn't leave this morning, so I had to push back getting drunk to tomorrow. I have tomorrow off, but I don't want to go to work hungover on Tuesday. I'll probably still get fucked up anyways just because at this point, I don't care about anything.

I did a painting for Alex. I shouldn't have been surprised that she'd have nothing to say about it. I snapped, because everything's been catching up with me and after last night's talk, I kind of expected more from her. My problem is that I expect her to give a shit about me and what I do for her. I think it's time to start moving on, because I'm tired of this one sided relationship. I'm tired of offering myself up to her all the time, and then getting spit in the face.

Out of anger, since I didn't want to snap on her anymore, I did another painting of her. One that's more accurate in how I view her. Once again, out of my whole being hurt and angry, all she could do was look out for herself. I wasn't going to post it on FB, because I knew she wouldn't want me to. But of course I'm just a fucking asshole to her, and that's all she thinks I'm going to do. Of course when it's me that's pissed off, I'm the one having to make her feel better again.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of giving her everything I've got, and she can't just....be nice to me.

So tomorrow, I'm going to call the doctor and then I'm going to get drunk off my ass. I'm going to lay my razor nearby in hopes of cutting myself while drunk, and accidentally cutting too hard. I'll be happy if I don't wake up tomorrow.

I don't want to be like this anymore, but I honestly don't think a doctor's going to help. Alex probably hates me by now because all she cares about is herself. Mom specifically told me she can't handle me being like this anymore. I'll never forget that my girlfriend of four years and best friend of 18 years left me. How's a fucking doctor going to do anything?

No, the best thing to do is just end everything before it gets worse. I'm angry, hurt, depressed, uncared for.