Today was interesting. I'm having trouble trying to pinpoint how my days feel lately. I hung out with Naqua, and we ate Arby's and put my computer together. That was fun. Ryn didn't talk to me any today. She said like one thing which was that she was at the movies, and that she'd text me when she got out. That text never did come.
I talked to Alex....well not a lot I guess. I wanted to keep checking on her to make sure she was doing okay since the "break up" with Brian. I kind of felt like with Matt, she was so happy that Brian was there for her and checked up on her a lot. That's what I wanted to do. But I guess the difference is that she actually liked him.
She eventually told me I didn't have to keep checking on her which hurt. I just wanted to be nice, but I guess I was going a little overboard. I told her if it were me having to deal with it, I'd want her to check up on me as much. I don't know. It's just another example of me needing her more than she needs me.
I backed off, though, and stopped talking to her all day unless she said something to me. But then I asked about some music she said she'd send to me. She told me she was at a friends, and I mentioned that I didn't know she was out insinuating that I understood why she hadn't sent me the music yet. But then she asked why does it matter if she was out? It felt like she was annoyed at me, and thought I was trying to make it my business to know where she is at all time.
That old pain struck me at the core. It really sucks. I'd been doing well, but I tried not to think negatively, so I just asked what she meant and then she said "nothing." This made it worse, because now she's just shutting me out again when I don't think I deserve that.
I guess I have to start distancing myself again.
Alex texted me to correct me about the fact that Brian only checked up on her once a day about the Matt thing. I don't know what the point of letting me know was. All it did was make me feel more dumb, and less liked by her. I tried to check up on her about Matt, but she just took her annoyance with everyone asking out on me. I guess anything I do for her isn't good enough for her.
She never did send any of the music.
There goes that heathen. Tell your tears not to go and that if you have to wait, our fire may lie tonight with us on our morning suitcase. Would you wait for me? Because the other one waited for me. Your untitled page that I cling to has no right to fear me as you do. These little locks will climb their way down.
I only hope your golden crown will fit after we've passed these meadows and the humming birds that can't even slow down for us. Everything I do is all for us, and I do believe I did those things as if I'd die. If you want to speak of rights, then let us mourn what used to be.
Our songs that aren't played anymore don't even believe a word that we used to laugh at. The melody used to lock me in place while you used to mock my poor taste, but the more we listened, the more room I had to shift in your cold heart.
Good night my somewhat and unknown friend. For these stories that I like to believe in, there is no bookmark. I've thrown away things that made you become closer with your connection device. It's a sad truth that I can't turn to, though no one's trying to make me. No one's worthy.
No comments:
Post a Comment