I know what I want now.

Everything always hurts. Even today when nothing really happened, I'm still in pain. I'm going to start seeing a doctor about my depression soon, but I don't have too much hope for it. I don't feel like anything can help me. I feel too bitter to believe there's anything good out there, and I feel too twisted up.

Alex couldn't help me. She could take my mind off the pain every now and then, but that was it. I still blame the distance, though. She says things are perfect with Brian, and that they never fight. Once things get more serious, I'm sure they will. Long distance always makes everything worse. Just look at me and Emily. We were perfect till we went to separate colleges. I still believe Alex and I would've been perfect in person, too, but I wasn't strong enough to keep the relationship going.

I hope the doctor I see gives me good medicine. I hope it helps me stop dwelling on things, because it hurts that I'm still in pain and Alex is okay with everything (despite me being a bad boyfriend to her). I honestly hope it dulls me out. I used to always hear about anti-depressants making people seem like drones, and I wouldn't mind that. I wouldn't mind not caring about anything. And if it doesn't work, I could just OD on them.

I've honestly been feeling more and more suicidal lately. It feels like the fear of doing it is lessening, and the actual and genuine want for it is increasing. It's a soothing feeling. It's like the calm that people feel when they accept that they're dying. I told Alex that I wouldn't let her wonder if I'm dead, but what does that really mean? I couldn't just tell her "Hey, I'm about to kill myself." I would probably tell her I never want to talk again, so she doesn't feel responsible or live with my death. She's starting a new life, and I don't want to ruin that, too.

I just want to drift off, because no one cares about me. No one really pays attention to me. Mom's only caring now, because Jason told her about me. She didn't care when I told her. I think right now, Alex is the only person that really cares about me and even then it's only because of our history. I don't know if I feel a genuine care. It's more like she's scared of what I'll do if she stops talking to me. Plus, I guess it is hard to believe she cares about me when she still talks to my brother on FB which still gets to me, because I'm pretty sure there's no way she'd want her friends to know she still talks to me. Or she probably doesn't care about that either.

So if I die, I will just drift away and drifting away is what I want. So I pretty much know what I need to do. I need to die.