Shoe made a dumb mistake today. He mentioned something about Emily at school in Savannah. I told him I don't need to hear about her, and he apologized "im sorry man x(" So I won't have to worry about that anymore.
It did fuck my whole day, though. I've been thinking about her a lot today, and I couldn't really help it. It did make me think about how I really feel about trying to get together with Allison. We both like each other, but I don't really like her that much. I kind of realized I'm only using her, and she's really just a distraction and not a good enough one that could help me get over Emily.
I think I'll just keep seeing her, and see what happens. Maybe we'll get serious or something, but I'm not really counting on it. I feel like she's not really who I want. I don't know if I'm being dumb by being too picky, or if I'm being patient by being able to wait for someone more like who I want. I guess I should think about it as she's kept me from being depressed really.
Alex and I seem to be getting along. For once, I feel like I don't care if she talks to me, but if she does, then great. I guess we're like regular friends, and it's not me pathetically trying to get some affection from her.
I don't really know if my not caring has just really and deeply set in, or if it's something else. Maybe that's just my pessimism, and I'm actually enjoying life for once.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Date Night.
I had a date tonight with a girl named Allison. It went pretty well. She looks forward to getting together again, and likes me. We went to the park and sat on the swings and talked for a while. Then we went to Sonics and got some food, and then we went to Kroger because I needed to get some cat food. She grabbed my hand. Afterwards, we sat in my car and talked for a long time. She started playing with my hair.
I was enjoying myself, and I was pretty happy. The date lasted about four hours.
When we parted ways, I got in my car and I went dead. It felt like I was emotionally spent, and I literally felt nothing on the way home. It scares me that I can feel that way after a fun and flirty four hour date. But it also makes me happy that my body can protect itself so well, and I'll need it if things don't work out.
I think it will work out, though. For one thing, she lives five minutes up the road. So we don't have to plan a week ahead to see each like if she lived in Atlanta or something. That also means we can actually get to know each other in person and have fun, and I don't have to sit in my room talking to a computer screen all the time.
But it still interests me on how I felt after the whole thing.
When I started dating Emily, I had a darkness in me at the time and it took a little while to get over it. I'm thinking this is the same thing.
This is a good song to describe how I felt on the date, and then driving home.
I was enjoying myself, and I was pretty happy. The date lasted about four hours.
When we parted ways, I got in my car and I went dead. It felt like I was emotionally spent, and I literally felt nothing on the way home. It scares me that I can feel that way after a fun and flirty four hour date. But it also makes me happy that my body can protect itself so well, and I'll need it if things don't work out.
I think it will work out, though. For one thing, she lives five minutes up the road. So we don't have to plan a week ahead to see each like if she lived in Atlanta or something. That also means we can actually get to know each other in person and have fun, and I don't have to sit in my room talking to a computer screen all the time.
But it still interests me on how I felt after the whole thing.
When I started dating Emily, I had a darkness in me at the time and it took a little while to get over it. I'm thinking this is the same thing.
This is a good song to describe how I felt on the date, and then driving home.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I'm tired of hoping for good things.
Someone took in the pants. Somebody painted where they stood, and no one spent any time in the turning lane where I've seen things I can't remember. When the time passed, holding it tight, I tried to help them put it out. My hands took down and out all the things I've got; my hands got the blisters of the world.
If you can look up, I can blow it down to something a little less sacred. I can take it down, if that's where we're headed. Just don't expect.
If it hurts, let it. If you're crying, do it. All it takes is a little prick hanging over your wood covered floors, and if you turn, it can cause things that you wish you could forget become an ashtray you can't put a cigarette out over. If the morning light can make us look this bad, then what's going to happen when the moon comes out?
If you can look up, I can blow it down to something a little less sacred. I can take it down, if that's where we're headed. Just don't expect.
If it hurts, let it. If you're crying, do it. All it takes is a little prick hanging over your wood covered floors, and if you turn, it can cause things that you wish you could forget become an ashtray you can't put a cigarette out over. If the morning light can make us look this bad, then what's going to happen when the moon comes out?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
No point in anything.
Mom had a talk with me tonight. At first it started off as just figuring out how to start paying off my loans. But somehow it turned into how I could be a better person.
She told me it hurts her to see how I act and how I push everyone away. She talked more about how I am, and she's pretty spot on. But I told her how I don't want anyone in my life, and I push them away on purpose. I talked about how after Evan and Emily, it left me broken and I don't want anyone. Why should I? If my best friend of 18 years could leave me, then what's the point?
I couldn't even maintain a simple friendship with Alex or Ryn.
Mom went on about how I just need to move on, and stop being so gloomy and focused on the negative. I don't know why, but I blurted out that I wish I was just dead, and she said that's just lazy.
This pissed me off, and I told her this is exactly the problem. No one cares about anything. I say I wish I was dead, and she can only call me lazy. She got pissed and asked me what do I want her to say, and I said she doesn't have to say anything.
No one wants to try and understand how I feel. I really do just wish I was dead. No one would care.
She told me it hurts her to see how I act and how I push everyone away. She talked more about how I am, and she's pretty spot on. But I told her how I don't want anyone in my life, and I push them away on purpose. I talked about how after Evan and Emily, it left me broken and I don't want anyone. Why should I? If my best friend of 18 years could leave me, then what's the point?
I couldn't even maintain a simple friendship with Alex or Ryn.
Mom went on about how I just need to move on, and stop being so gloomy and focused on the negative. I don't know why, but I blurted out that I wish I was just dead, and she said that's just lazy.
This pissed me off, and I told her this is exactly the problem. No one cares about anything. I say I wish I was dead, and she can only call me lazy. She got pissed and asked me what do I want her to say, and I said she doesn't have to say anything.
No one wants to try and understand how I feel. I really do just wish I was dead. No one would care.
PAX
PAX is going on this weekend. I've always wanted to go, and I always thought it'd be extremely nice to go with a girlfriend. I still hope I can move to Seattle one day, and then I could go to PAX every year. It's a nice dream I think, and one that I could definitely achieve I'm sure.
You'd think Alex and I would be getting along to gush over PAX, especially over Halo Fest which is going on at PAX. But I guess our relationship has pretty much ended. She never really did care about me, and she didn't like when I cared, so she ought to be glad that I decided not to care anymore. Because I don't why she's upset about it when she's the one that shoved me off.
Either way, at least I can get all the info from PAX and watch all the dumb Mega64 videos that will be coming. I really loved sharing this stuff with Alex, but I guess there's nothing we can really do.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Chilling.
Tonight, I went out to see Planet of the Apes with Ashley, and that was a lot of fun. I caved in tonight, and bought Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Eh. I kind of feel like I need a new game to play, because I haven't gotten anything since Portal 2 in March. Plus, I need something that'll look really good on my new computer.
So that and the new Red vs Blue tonight makes me feel good.
I tried to take an interest, and ask Alex about when she starts school and she only wanted to know why I was asking. So she didn't care that I was trying to make conversation or whatever. No surprise.
I'm glad I don't have work tomorrow, so I can chill.
I looked in my wallet, and despite not having enough money, I was gonna get what I want. A new fishing rod to go out and catch something new, because I have a fiery passion for letting go of you.
Somebody needs to paint over this thing we tried to create. It's okay to pretend and I've seen imaginary things that I wish I didn't, because let's be honest. Nothing was ever there, except a few good nights and the want to connect.
When I feel like my life's at stake, I can only pray that it's taken. Fighting for survival gets tiring easily, and if there's one thing you taught me, it's to not expect good things to happen to me just because I try to be a good person. If there's one thing I need to remember, it's that I forgot your flag was down before I could try to win again.
I went after you and looked to you through your camera lens, but you're a hunter and you're right at home. Don't expect a nice guy to come round anymore, because what I always wanted finally happened: I died.
So that and the new Red vs Blue tonight makes me feel good.
I tried to take an interest, and ask Alex about when she starts school and she only wanted to know why I was asking. So she didn't care that I was trying to make conversation or whatever. No surprise.
I'm glad I don't have work tomorrow, so I can chill.
I looked in my wallet, and despite not having enough money, I was gonna get what I want. A new fishing rod to go out and catch something new, because I have a fiery passion for letting go of you.
Somebody needs to paint over this thing we tried to create. It's okay to pretend and I've seen imaginary things that I wish I didn't, because let's be honest. Nothing was ever there, except a few good nights and the want to connect.
When I feel like my life's at stake, I can only pray that it's taken. Fighting for survival gets tiring easily, and if there's one thing you taught me, it's to not expect good things to happen to me just because I try to be a good person. If there's one thing I need to remember, it's that I forgot your flag was down before I could try to win again.
I went after you and looked to you through your camera lens, but you're a hunter and you're right at home. Don't expect a nice guy to come round anymore, because what I always wanted finally happened: I died.
Switched off.
After calming down from being rejected by Alex and Ryn, and finding out my job isn't in too much jeopardy (just gotta show them I can work harder), I feel a bit nicer. Every now and then, things get through and prick at me, but I think after accepting everything and not caring about them anymore, I'm better at handling crappy situations.
Alex keeps sending me random stuff, so I sent her a picture of Kalisto. She didn't say anything about it.
Instead, she talked about being at Matt's house; something I don't care about or want to hear about. I pretty much don't care about anything that has to do with her anymore. She can find another guy to care, because after calming down, I can easily see that I get hurt so much because I put so much of myself out there for everyone. I'm done caring about her and her problems, and I'm not gonna let her hurt me again.
I rediscovered The Wallflowers the other day. They were one of the bands I grew up listening to as a kid, and they were always one of my most favorites. Breach was one of the first albums I ever bought, and that was 6th grade. Listening to them has put me at ease.
I think I'm doing better. I've finally put myself in that situation where I don't try to get close to anyone, and I'm actually scared to really do so. I don't want a girlfriend or anything. I used to kind of pride myself in being that person that always puts themself out there no matter how much I got hurt, but all I needed was a huge push to really make myself snap out of it. I guess that push was caring more than anything to be there for Alex, and her rejecting me (because since when do you have to be dating someone to give a shit about them?).
Either way, I feel like I've really shut myself off, and it's nice.
Alex keeps sending me random stuff, so I sent her a picture of Kalisto. She didn't say anything about it.
Instead, she talked about being at Matt's house; something I don't care about or want to hear about. I pretty much don't care about anything that has to do with her anymore. She can find another guy to care, because after calming down, I can easily see that I get hurt so much because I put so much of myself out there for everyone. I'm done caring about her and her problems, and I'm not gonna let her hurt me again.
I rediscovered The Wallflowers the other day. They were one of the bands I grew up listening to as a kid, and they were always one of my most favorites. Breach was one of the first albums I ever bought, and that was 6th grade. Listening to them has put me at ease.
I think I'm doing better. I've finally put myself in that situation where I don't try to get close to anyone, and I'm actually scared to really do so. I don't want a girlfriend or anything. I used to kind of pride myself in being that person that always puts themself out there no matter how much I got hurt, but all I needed was a huge push to really make myself snap out of it. I guess that push was caring more than anything to be there for Alex, and her rejecting me (because since when do you have to be dating someone to give a shit about them?).
Either way, I feel like I've really shut myself off, and it's nice.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
I feel like a funeral no one came to.
I don't like when people need me to test their phone to make sure they can talk to someone else.
I am nothing but a drop of something higher; something you can't buckle in the back seat. Why do dogs want it all, and why do I hurt all the time? Is it because I was born with a defect that keeps you from hearing what I want to say? No matter how many times I say it, it doesn't really have to be this way.
I could pull out your old photo's and pretend to be in your thoughts, but I'm feeling like my computer screen isn't providing me with enough posts to tune in, and I let myself become poisoned with the thought of your apathy. I don't need another friend and I don't know when my hopes will lift up, but first I have to lift this curse up. I thought if I bit hard enough with my teeth, I could hold on forever, but it's as they say, "We weren't meant to be together."
I cried and cried forever hoping my tears would form a river long enough to carry you here. I Liked everything that I thought would make your heart flicker enough so that I could use it as footage in a movie I'll never be able to make.
Make yourself a physical goal that you want to pamper. I'll never write the next big thing, and I'll never do what an expert could show you with his degree. Pull the next sheet of paper over, and put it in your head that this is your first try. You can keep your mask on if it makes it easier to envision yourself in a better environment.
Rings go better on the fingers of girls I didn't let escape, because the rules state that I'm supposed to make you laugh. We could do that easily looking at our old photographs. But it looks like a sky for breaking up under if you look hard enough. You can see the cracks, but you can't see where my head's at. Lame is the thing I've always lived on, and these thoughts will haunt you; drive the knife into you and let it escape.
I want one of those cats that's there to remind me that my skin's never gone soft when they rub up against me. I want a girl that feels like dying every time I forget to call her. If you said to me I could I have it all, I'd have to see my counselor about the subject on not believing your bullshit.
I am nothing but a drop of something higher; something you can't buckle in the back seat. Why do dogs want it all, and why do I hurt all the time? Is it because I was born with a defect that keeps you from hearing what I want to say? No matter how many times I say it, it doesn't really have to be this way.
I could pull out your old photo's and pretend to be in your thoughts, but I'm feeling like my computer screen isn't providing me with enough posts to tune in, and I let myself become poisoned with the thought of your apathy. I don't need another friend and I don't know when my hopes will lift up, but first I have to lift this curse up. I thought if I bit hard enough with my teeth, I could hold on forever, but it's as they say, "We weren't meant to be together."
I cried and cried forever hoping my tears would form a river long enough to carry you here. I Liked everything that I thought would make your heart flicker enough so that I could use it as footage in a movie I'll never be able to make.
Make yourself a physical goal that you want to pamper. I'll never write the next big thing, and I'll never do what an expert could show you with his degree. Pull the next sheet of paper over, and put it in your head that this is your first try. You can keep your mask on if it makes it easier to envision yourself in a better environment.
Rings go better on the fingers of girls I didn't let escape, because the rules state that I'm supposed to make you laugh. We could do that easily looking at our old photographs. But it looks like a sky for breaking up under if you look hard enough. You can see the cracks, but you can't see where my head's at. Lame is the thing I've always lived on, and these thoughts will haunt you; drive the knife into you and let it escape.
I want one of those cats that's there to remind me that my skin's never gone soft when they rub up against me. I want a girl that feels like dying every time I forget to call her. If you said to me I could I have it all, I'd have to see my counselor about the subject on not believing your bullshit.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Fuck everything.
I hate when you say something, and you know you're just being paranoid and upset, but then what you say really happens. Today, my boss came up to me and told me if I don't step it up, they're going to let me go since I'm still in my probation period. I'm so fucking pissed off right now, because I do just as much work as everyone else and I go the same pace. I seriously don't know what I'll do if I get fired. I'll fucking snap.
If that wasn't enough, Emily's parents were there. Luckily, I don't know if they saw me, and if they did, it was when I was walking off and away from them. It really sucked, because I had to go the whole last hour of work literally shaking.
It made me think about how maybe I'm just having a bad month, but then really, it's more like a bad summer. But if I keep going, it's more like a really bad year. It made me remember back in January, how I was having a really good month, and I told Alex that I felt like this was going to be a really good year.
But what's all even happened to me? Alex broke up with me after months of not getting along at all, my depression and anger and hatred has spiraled out of control, it took me half a year to get a job that I only got because my grandma knew the manager (I wouldn't have gotten it otherwise), I got used sexually and rejected by a good number of girls based on fucking retarded reasons, and now I'm going to lose my job.
No, I would not say this has been a good year at all. In fact, I'm feeling suicidal and not because I'm depressed, but because I am so sick and tired of how hard life is.
I have an empty vessel, and when I want something, whether I'm nothing or I'm feeling a little brave, I can pretend to fuck you in my mind tonight. There are still strings and we still keep our hopes and dreams intertwined. But when I open my eyes later that night, I'm going to need something to strap me down in the wake of my whole way. I wanted to love you like my dads mother loved me; the way that makes me feel like it's worth living.
It's a shame when and how I turn my boredom off, because I already know what I'm looking for when I sit down and take my shorts off. I keep a sock in the drawer to the left, and they know my thoughts. They let me know every once in a while that everything's going to be better.
If you wanted some jewelry, you could have asked, and when I wanted some sugar, I shouldn't have looked to that buttercup you stole from me before mailing my birthday present. It's superstitious to believe people belong to each other. It's the same as believing you'll be okay when you die, because I'm already living in a hell I built for myself.
I can keep pretending to live in my fantasy world, because it puts a smile on my face. I have an imaginary friend based off of my ex girlfriends, and she does things for me that aren't human: make me happy.
If that wasn't enough, Emily's parents were there. Luckily, I don't know if they saw me, and if they did, it was when I was walking off and away from them. It really sucked, because I had to go the whole last hour of work literally shaking.
It made me think about how maybe I'm just having a bad month, but then really, it's more like a bad summer. But if I keep going, it's more like a really bad year. It made me remember back in January, how I was having a really good month, and I told Alex that I felt like this was going to be a really good year.
But what's all even happened to me? Alex broke up with me after months of not getting along at all, my depression and anger and hatred has spiraled out of control, it took me half a year to get a job that I only got because my grandma knew the manager (I wouldn't have gotten it otherwise), I got used sexually and rejected by a good number of girls based on fucking retarded reasons, and now I'm going to lose my job.
No, I would not say this has been a good year at all. In fact, I'm feeling suicidal and not because I'm depressed, but because I am so sick and tired of how hard life is.
I have an empty vessel, and when I want something, whether I'm nothing or I'm feeling a little brave, I can pretend to fuck you in my mind tonight. There are still strings and we still keep our hopes and dreams intertwined. But when I open my eyes later that night, I'm going to need something to strap me down in the wake of my whole way. I wanted to love you like my dads mother loved me; the way that makes me feel like it's worth living.
It's a shame when and how I turn my boredom off, because I already know what I'm looking for when I sit down and take my shorts off. I keep a sock in the drawer to the left, and they know my thoughts. They let me know every once in a while that everything's going to be better.
If you wanted some jewelry, you could have asked, and when I wanted some sugar, I shouldn't have looked to that buttercup you stole from me before mailing my birthday present. It's superstitious to believe people belong to each other. It's the same as believing you'll be okay when you die, because I'm already living in a hell I built for myself.
I can keep pretending to live in my fantasy world, because it puts a smile on my face. I have an imaginary friend based off of my ex girlfriends, and she does things for me that aren't human: make me happy.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
That feeling when you stop caring about someone.
Tonight has been nice. I've been playing with my new computer. Alex made burgers, and we hung out while reading the newest Team Fortress 2 news. It's nice that we're good friends a lot these days. Ashley's coming over later to play some Left 4 Dead 2, too.
IRL friends definitely helps when most of your problems come from fucking online people.
Speaking of that, Alex hasn't said anything to me today thanksfully. I don't know when or if we'll talk again, but I really don't want to right now. I feel like she really hurt me personally this time, and I hate her so much for it.
So yes, I'm glad we're not talking and I'm glad Ryn's out of my life. They both took advantage of my good nature and treated me like shit.
IRL friends definitely helps when most of your problems come from fucking online people.
Speaking of that, Alex hasn't said anything to me today thanksfully. I don't know when or if we'll talk again, but I really don't want to right now. I feel like she really hurt me personally this time, and I hate her so much for it.
So yes, I'm glad we're not talking and I'm glad Ryn's out of my life. They both took advantage of my good nature and treated me like shit.
Lost everyone.
The chaos of who I am set in today, and it wasted no time. It's like it told me to stop fucking around pretending or trying to be happy. My whole body's shaking in response, and I had to to take an early lunch just to sit down and catch my breath.
So how did it happen? This darkness of mine dug its claws right into my core, and presented me with Ryn. Ryn is done talking to me. She said she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I'm not taking it well, of course.
As if losing Alex (again) wasn't enough, now this. I can only be scared of what I'll lose next. I have no one else to lose, so will it be my job?
A part of me is dying off, but another part of me is glad I've lost everyone. No more worrying about these fucking people and how they'll hurt me again. No more worrying about when they'll leave me.
Everything hurts. I feel like throwing up.
So how did it happen? This darkness of mine dug its claws right into my core, and presented me with Ryn. Ryn is done talking to me. She said she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I'm not taking it well, of course.
As if losing Alex (again) wasn't enough, now this. I can only be scared of what I'll lose next. I have no one else to lose, so will it be my job?
A part of me is dying off, but another part of me is glad I've lost everyone. No more worrying about these fucking people and how they'll hurt me again. No more worrying about when they'll leave me.
Everything hurts. I feel like throwing up.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
"Hate You All"
I can feel a piercing in my eyes like I'm focused on something. I keep thinking about things I don't want to think about, and I keep caring about people I don't care about.
I don't feel the usual pain tonight. It's still in my chest, but it's sharper. I can see a smile in my head when I close my eyes. I can feel my heart hardening. It feels like a fist inside of me.
This isn't really a nice feeling. I'm not enjoying it, but it is better than what I used to feel. It is better than pretending that Alex cares about me, or that Ryn's my friend. It's kind of funny, because I could talk about how I feel nothing for them, but all I'm doing is writing about them. Hate is an obsession.
I cut myself at work again. It wasn't because I was depressed. It was because I wanted to hurt someone.
"I was thinking about you, and there was something I forgot to say."
If I'm not a sore that you want to burst and if I can only come up to show you my plague, then what do you want with this? Did you know you were all wrong before when you took me out to see ourselves? Did you know me at heart? Because this crack inside me is an occasion that we've been on.
Nobody likes you and nobody wants to be your friend. I'm a struggle to keep up with, and the fact that I'm still around as your friend of a friend lets me be your unfitted suit. You come and go as if you're waiting for the world to end. I'm a rule you like to bend, and I can only lift you up so many times before you become face I never enjoyed seeing.
I gave you my love on a platter, and you let everyone take away the pieces I trusted you with. A minimum wage job to let me enjoy my space from your truth and a whip that you like to crack at a moments notice is all I have anymore, and even then, you still like to pull away. If I can't keep my thoughts at bay, then I hope I can at least keep to myself and play it safe, because you're the sugar I'm done saving.
If you're up laying up awake, the thing I'm asking you to do is to close the door, because I don't wanna pass by and let you take advantage of my hopeful attitude again. This doesn't mean anything, and I was just a way to pass the time. If I had a god, I'd pray that you
I don't feel the usual pain tonight. It's still in my chest, but it's sharper. I can see a smile in my head when I close my eyes. I can feel my heart hardening. It feels like a fist inside of me.
This isn't really a nice feeling. I'm not enjoying it, but it is better than what I used to feel. It is better than pretending that Alex cares about me, or that Ryn's my friend. It's kind of funny, because I could talk about how I feel nothing for them, but all I'm doing is writing about them. Hate is an obsession.
I cut myself at work again. It wasn't because I was depressed. It was because I wanted to hurt someone.
"I was thinking about you, and there was something I forgot to say."
If I'm not a sore that you want to burst and if I can only come up to show you my plague, then what do you want with this? Did you know you were all wrong before when you took me out to see ourselves? Did you know me at heart? Because this crack inside me is an occasion that we've been on.
Nobody likes you and nobody wants to be your friend. I'm a struggle to keep up with, and the fact that I'm still around as your friend of a friend lets me be your unfitted suit. You come and go as if you're waiting for the world to end. I'm a rule you like to bend, and I can only lift you up so many times before you become face I never enjoyed seeing.
I gave you my love on a platter, and you let everyone take away the pieces I trusted you with. A minimum wage job to let me enjoy my space from your truth and a whip that you like to crack at a moments notice is all I have anymore, and even then, you still like to pull away. If I can't keep my thoughts at bay, then I hope I can at least keep to myself and play it safe, because you're the sugar I'm done saving.
If you're up laying up awake, the thing I'm asking you to do is to close the door, because I don't wanna pass by and let you take advantage of my hopeful attitude again. This doesn't mean anything, and I was just a way to pass the time. If I had a god, I'd pray that you
My friends.
Today wasn't really good. I was picked on all day at work, and then they kept telling me to man up when my feelings were hurt. I wanted to tell them that I'm not good at taking jokes. I wanted to tell them I grew up being bullied. But I kept quiet, and I kept to myself.
Normally, I could have told Alex about it and she would've made me feel better. But after last night, I don't see why she'd care about me or my problems. We didn't talk all day while I was at work which I was glad for. I was glad she wasn't talking to me. I didn't want to tell her about my problems anyways.
But then she had to go and send me a picture of her cat. I don't want to hear from her at all after last night. Facebook fucked up like always, and for some reason a picture I liked was unliked. At first I didn't give a shit, but I, of course, had to relike it just for her.
This is the important part; the part I want and need to remember. She didn't give a shit.
It also hurt my feelings that her Tumblr talked about having no one to text. Just one more thing that shows that I'm apparently no fucking good.
Ryn hasn't talked to me at all today. Last night, she told me she wished I had more friends, because she doesn't want me to hate and resent her if she can't be there for me because she's all I can count on. I told her if it really bothered her, she didn't have to talk to me at all anymore. She told me I really needed to work on my negativity. She was annoyed with me. She told me good night, and that if can work on that then I should text her today. I didn't text her today.
I can feel the hate inside of me. It's angry that I tried to be nice to Alex, that I gave Ryn any thought about texting her. It hates me, because I'm weak.
Normally, I could have told Alex about it and she would've made me feel better. But after last night, I don't see why she'd care about me or my problems. We didn't talk all day while I was at work which I was glad for. I was glad she wasn't talking to me. I didn't want to tell her about my problems anyways.
But then she had to go and send me a picture of her cat. I don't want to hear from her at all after last night. Facebook fucked up like always, and for some reason a picture I liked was unliked. At first I didn't give a shit, but I, of course, had to relike it just for her.
This is the important part; the part I want and need to remember. She didn't give a shit.
It also hurt my feelings that her Tumblr talked about having no one to text. Just one more thing that shows that I'm apparently no fucking good.
Ryn hasn't talked to me at all today. Last night, she told me she wished I had more friends, because she doesn't want me to hate and resent her if she can't be there for me because she's all I can count on. I told her if it really bothered her, she didn't have to talk to me at all anymore. She told me I really needed to work on my negativity. She was annoyed with me. She told me good night, and that if can work on that then I should text her today. I didn't text her today.
I can feel the hate inside of me. It's angry that I tried to be nice to Alex, that I gave Ryn any thought about texting her. It hates me, because I'm weak.
A nice reminder.
I can feel myself slipping. I can feel the hate coming back in, and the want to be alone swarming. It isn't a slow creep like usual. It's an embracing of how I should always be to love and care about nothing.
Alex lead me on to believe I was doing something good, and then kicked me out showing her truly ungrateful nature. I even offered to help pay for her piercings. Ryn's never around anymore. My parents don't care about my problems, and see me as the problem. Shoe doesn't talk to me at all anymore, and acts like there's no way he wants to help.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna go to work and be happy to have something to do, and not have the shitty people I surround myself with on my mind.
I feel pretty stupid. I knew everything would suck again, and that, of course, the nice days would end. But I didn't think it'd be caused by the way Alex did it. I offered everything I had to help her, and it wasn't good enough. If she doesn't know I'll never be there for her again, she's in for a....well she won't even give a shit.
I feel stupid for letting the nice days make me feel just maybe a tattoo that says "Love Nothing" isn't a good idea. Honestly, it's the only good idea I could ever live by. I deleted all my online profiles, because I'm never going to try to make friends again. I didn't delete my Facebook, because there are actually people that care about me like Ashley, her mom, and Jason.
It's like when Alex broke up with me, because I did so one too many times. People have hurt me for the last time, and I'll never try to be nice to them or care about them again. If they aren't offering me anything, then they're worthless.
Alex lead me on to believe I was doing something good, and then kicked me out showing her truly ungrateful nature. I even offered to help pay for her piercings. Ryn's never around anymore. My parents don't care about my problems, and see me as the problem. Shoe doesn't talk to me at all anymore, and acts like there's no way he wants to help.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna go to work and be happy to have something to do, and not have the shitty people I surround myself with on my mind.
I feel pretty stupid. I knew everything would suck again, and that, of course, the nice days would end. But I didn't think it'd be caused by the way Alex did it. I offered everything I had to help her, and it wasn't good enough. If she doesn't know I'll never be there for her again, she's in for a....well she won't even give a shit.
I feel stupid for letting the nice days make me feel just maybe a tattoo that says "Love Nothing" isn't a good idea. Honestly, it's the only good idea I could ever live by. I deleted all my online profiles, because I'm never going to try to make friends again. I didn't delete my Facebook, because there are actually people that care about me like Ashley, her mom, and Jason.
It's like when Alex broke up with me, because I did so one too many times. People have hurt me for the last time, and I'll never try to be nice to them or care about them again. If they aren't offering me anything, then they're worthless.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Just when things become nice again.
Today was interesting. I'm having trouble trying to pinpoint how my days feel lately. I hung out with Naqua, and we ate Arby's and put my computer together. That was fun. Ryn didn't talk to me any today. She said like one thing which was that she was at the movies, and that she'd text me when she got out. That text never did come.
I talked to Alex....well not a lot I guess. I wanted to keep checking on her to make sure she was doing okay since the "break up" with Brian. I kind of felt like with Matt, she was so happy that Brian was there for her and checked up on her a lot. That's what I wanted to do. But I guess the difference is that she actually liked him.
She eventually told me I didn't have to keep checking on her which hurt. I just wanted to be nice, but I guess I was going a little overboard. I told her if it were me having to deal with it, I'd want her to check up on me as much. I don't know. It's just another example of me needing her more than she needs me.
I backed off, though, and stopped talking to her all day unless she said something to me. But then I asked about some music she said she'd send to me. She told me she was at a friends, and I mentioned that I didn't know she was out insinuating that I understood why she hadn't sent me the music yet. But then she asked why does it matter if she was out? It felt like she was annoyed at me, and thought I was trying to make it my business to know where she is at all time.
That old pain struck me at the core. It really sucks. I'd been doing well, but I tried not to think negatively, so I just asked what she meant and then she said "nothing." This made it worse, because now she's just shutting me out again when I don't think I deserve that.
I guess I have to start distancing myself again.
Alex texted me to correct me about the fact that Brian only checked up on her once a day about the Matt thing. I don't know what the point of letting me know was. All it did was make me feel more dumb, and less liked by her. I tried to check up on her about Matt, but she just took her annoyance with everyone asking out on me. I guess anything I do for her isn't good enough for her.
She never did send any of the music.
There goes that heathen. Tell your tears not to go and that if you have to wait, our fire may lie tonight with us on our morning suitcase. Would you wait for me? Because the other one waited for me. Your untitled page that I cling to has no right to fear me as you do. These little locks will climb their way down.
I only hope your golden crown will fit after we've passed these meadows and the humming birds that can't even slow down for us. Everything I do is all for us, and I do believe I did those things as if I'd die. If you want to speak of rights, then let us mourn what used to be.
Our songs that aren't played anymore don't even believe a word that we used to laugh at. The melody used to lock me in place while you used to mock my poor taste, but the more we listened, the more room I had to shift in your cold heart.
Good night my somewhat and unknown friend. For these stories that I like to believe in, there is no bookmark. I've thrown away things that made you become closer with your connection device. It's a sad truth that I can't turn to, though no one's trying to make me. No one's worthy.
I talked to Alex....well not a lot I guess. I wanted to keep checking on her to make sure she was doing okay since the "break up" with Brian. I kind of felt like with Matt, she was so happy that Brian was there for her and checked up on her a lot. That's what I wanted to do. But I guess the difference is that she actually liked him.
She eventually told me I didn't have to keep checking on her which hurt. I just wanted to be nice, but I guess I was going a little overboard. I told her if it were me having to deal with it, I'd want her to check up on me as much. I don't know. It's just another example of me needing her more than she needs me.
I backed off, though, and stopped talking to her all day unless she said something to me. But then I asked about some music she said she'd send to me. She told me she was at a friends, and I mentioned that I didn't know she was out insinuating that I understood why she hadn't sent me the music yet. But then she asked why does it matter if she was out? It felt like she was annoyed at me, and thought I was trying to make it my business to know where she is at all time.
That old pain struck me at the core. It really sucks. I'd been doing well, but I tried not to think negatively, so I just asked what she meant and then she said "nothing." This made it worse, because now she's just shutting me out again when I don't think I deserve that.
I guess I have to start distancing myself again.
Alex texted me to correct me about the fact that Brian only checked up on her once a day about the Matt thing. I don't know what the point of letting me know was. All it did was make me feel more dumb, and less liked by her. I tried to check up on her about Matt, but she just took her annoyance with everyone asking out on me. I guess anything I do for her isn't good enough for her.
She never did send any of the music.
There goes that heathen. Tell your tears not to go and that if you have to wait, our fire may lie tonight with us on our morning suitcase. Would you wait for me? Because the other one waited for me. Your untitled page that I cling to has no right to fear me as you do. These little locks will climb their way down.
I only hope your golden crown will fit after we've passed these meadows and the humming birds that can't even slow down for us. Everything I do is all for us, and I do believe I did those things as if I'd die. If you want to speak of rights, then let us mourn what used to be.
Our songs that aren't played anymore don't even believe a word that we used to laugh at. The melody used to lock me in place while you used to mock my poor taste, but the more we listened, the more room I had to shift in your cold heart.
Good night my somewhat and unknown friend. For these stories that I like to believe in, there is no bookmark. I've thrown away things that made you become closer with your connection device. It's a sad truth that I can't turn to, though no one's trying to make me. No one's worthy.
I live to help her.
So Alex is...pissed? Apparently, Brian wasn't so great. I had no idea he had "weekly crushes." I didn't know anything about him, except apparently, she's Alex's best friend. She told me about how he doesn't seem to like her anymore.
I really feel bad for her. Even I felt like he might be it, but now he just sounds like a douche. Alex wrote something about him, and said to "get fucked" (from Shaun of the Dead) which kind of made me smile. Well, I mean I just thought it was pretty good use of the gif. Either way, it seems like she's taking my advice to distance herself.
She asked if I'd leave her alone, and I did. I know she's upset, and I can't always make her feel better. After getting all of this out of her system, I'm sure she'll feel better tomorrow. Something I could count on was the fact that when I'm crazy upset, I'd at least feel less upset in the morning....even if I still felt somewhat upset.
There was only one thing that kind of hurt to read which was how he's taken care of her better than anyone. But then I think about how I really don't do anything for her. When we dated....I actually don't like to think about it, and now all I do is what? Give her retarded advice that I don't even know how to take.
Whatever, though. Brian seems like an ass now, and he obviously is if he won't even try to see Alex. At least I put a lot of effort into trying to do that much, and I'm so much farther away. I still feel like meeting someone in college will be Alex's best bet. No long distance, and all that. She'll make new friends; maybe even meet someone to help her with her problems and then she won't need me.
I kind of think our relationship is pretty much me waiting for her not to need me anymore. But then I try to think about how I have Ryn now and we hang out, and I still go to Alex a lot. I guess it's really a matter of the fact that we both know each other so well. I seem to be a little better at countering negative thinking with something positive. Or at least something to counter my twisted way of thinking.
I just have to remember that, yeah, maybe I was a shitty boyfriend and Brian was a lot better to her and took care of her, but I'm still the one she comes to with her problems. I just have to keep remembering things like that to know that our relationship is important to her even if she doesn't say it.
I really feel bad for her. Even I felt like he might be it, but now he just sounds like a douche. Alex wrote something about him, and said to "get fucked" (from Shaun of the Dead) which kind of made me smile. Well, I mean I just thought it was pretty good use of the gif. Either way, it seems like she's taking my advice to distance herself.
She asked if I'd leave her alone, and I did. I know she's upset, and I can't always make her feel better. After getting all of this out of her system, I'm sure she'll feel better tomorrow. Something I could count on was the fact that when I'm crazy upset, I'd at least feel less upset in the morning....even if I still felt somewhat upset.
There was only one thing that kind of hurt to read which was how he's taken care of her better than anyone. But then I think about how I really don't do anything for her. When we dated....I actually don't like to think about it, and now all I do is what? Give her retarded advice that I don't even know how to take.
Whatever, though. Brian seems like an ass now, and he obviously is if he won't even try to see Alex. At least I put a lot of effort into trying to do that much, and I'm so much farther away. I still feel like meeting someone in college will be Alex's best bet. No long distance, and all that. She'll make new friends; maybe even meet someone to help her with her problems and then she won't need me.
I kind of think our relationship is pretty much me waiting for her not to need me anymore. But then I try to think about how I have Ryn now and we hang out, and I still go to Alex a lot. I guess it's really a matter of the fact that we both know each other so well. I seem to be a little better at countering negative thinking with something positive. Or at least something to counter my twisted way of thinking.
I just have to remember that, yeah, maybe I was a shitty boyfriend and Brian was a lot better to her and took care of her, but I'm still the one she comes to with her problems. I just have to keep remembering things like that to know that our relationship is important to her even if she doesn't say it.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Thinking of others problems, and not my own.
Today was pretty nice. My computer parts came in, and I got to eat at Long Horns. Tomorrow, I'll be hanging out with Naqua putting my computer together, and then that night, I'll be playing everything to see how it runs (which will be at maxed settings.) Something I always do when mom isn't home is water her plants outside in which there are a lot, but it's really nice. I enjoy doing it, because it's so calming.
Yesterday, Alex really needed me. She was having a very bad day. I'm guessing her PMDD came in, and since she can't go to Brian about it, I'm her go to guy which I don't mind. I know she's worried about scaring Brian off. I think I really helped. She basically talked to me all day, and I did what I could for her. It made me think about the fact that she calls Brian her best friend, and I'm just a friend to her. It makes me think that I'm obviously more than a friend. I'm there for whenever she needs me and I'm the one that helps her with her PMDD even though we're not dating anymore. I'm definitely more than a friend to her, and I kind of thought maybe she just doesn't want to admit that for relationship reasons.
It really goes back to wanting her to acknowledge that I mean as much to her that she does to me, and she means a lot to me. We still take care of each other with particular subjects. She helped me yesterday, too. Some bitch had her period over letting me know what a faggot I am for the tattoo I want. I really didn't care about what she thought, but that didn't keep Alex from making sure I really felt that way. I was happy that she was so upset about it in the sense that she really cared about someone attacking me like that. So even if she doesn't say it, I know I'm more than just a friend for her.
Today, Ryn told me about how she might seriously start fucking guys for money, because she really needs it for college. She told me I'm her only friend she told this about, because she knew I wouldn't judge her, but still wanted to know what I'd think and if I'd still be her friend. I told her as a friend, that wouldn't make me stop being her friend. But if we dated, I'd obviously cared. She's willing to do this anyways knowing her boyfriend will probably break up with her. I didn't really know what to say. I think there are better alternatives, and told her so. I wouldn't want her to do that with a total creep and...I don't even know what could happen. Personally, I just think it's part of her being kind of sad for the last few days. The other day, she was kind of freaking out about the idea that no one will want to marry her. I was a lot better at helping her feel better about that.
I don't know. It just kind of feels like Alex and Ryn are the ones going through stuff and now I'm the helper. Although, I don't want them to be sad, I do really enjoy this role reversal. I just feel this sense of clarity, and it's so nice.
Yesterday, Alex really needed me. She was having a very bad day. I'm guessing her PMDD came in, and since she can't go to Brian about it, I'm her go to guy which I don't mind. I know she's worried about scaring Brian off. I think I really helped. She basically talked to me all day, and I did what I could for her. It made me think about the fact that she calls Brian her best friend, and I'm just a friend to her. It makes me think that I'm obviously more than a friend. I'm there for whenever she needs me and I'm the one that helps her with her PMDD even though we're not dating anymore. I'm definitely more than a friend to her, and I kind of thought maybe she just doesn't want to admit that for relationship reasons.
It really goes back to wanting her to acknowledge that I mean as much to her that she does to me, and she means a lot to me. We still take care of each other with particular subjects. She helped me yesterday, too. Some bitch had her period over letting me know what a faggot I am for the tattoo I want. I really didn't care about what she thought, but that didn't keep Alex from making sure I really felt that way. I was happy that she was so upset about it in the sense that she really cared about someone attacking me like that. So even if she doesn't say it, I know I'm more than just a friend for her.
Today, Ryn told me about how she might seriously start fucking guys for money, because she really needs it for college. She told me I'm her only friend she told this about, because she knew I wouldn't judge her, but still wanted to know what I'd think and if I'd still be her friend. I told her as a friend, that wouldn't make me stop being her friend. But if we dated, I'd obviously cared. She's willing to do this anyways knowing her boyfriend will probably break up with her. I didn't really know what to say. I think there are better alternatives, and told her so. I wouldn't want her to do that with a total creep and...I don't even know what could happen. Personally, I just think it's part of her being kind of sad for the last few days. The other day, she was kind of freaking out about the idea that no one will want to marry her. I was a lot better at helping her feel better about that.
I don't know. It just kind of feels like Alex and Ryn are the ones going through stuff and now I'm the helper. Although, I don't want them to be sad, I do really enjoy this role reversal. I just feel this sense of clarity, and it's so nice.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Nice days?
The last couple days have been kind of....nice? The pain has been at a minimum, and I've felt kind of just at peace I guess. I don't know what it is, but I wouldn't mind if I felt like this all the time. I think if I could pick out an individual feeling, I'd say I'm lonely. I have Alex and Ryn, but they have others. I want someone who just has me like I do with them. Other than that, work has been doing a good job keeping me from falling any more.
I'm off of work for the next three days, and that makes me worried for how it'll affect me. I don't want to be stuck in my room doing nothing, because that's how I get depressed. Luckily, my computer parts will be here on Monday, and that'll be something for me. Grandma asked if I wanted to go eat that night, too, since my mom is gone for two weeks. So Monday may be a good buffer.
I made a tattoo for myself. I'd really be thinking seriously about what I want, and one day it just hit me. I wanted one of my favorite quotes "Take It Easy, Love Nothing," because that's been a pretty important quote in my life for a long time. Since then, I'd been thinking of a design to go with it. Today it hit me just out of nowhere. I think it's funny, because it has an old school hardcore and straight edge feel to it. My high school self was popping out. I guess it goes well with my new "punkish" style haircut. Either way, I'm really excited to get this as a tattoo now.
Yesterday, Alex and I didn't talk at all. It didn't really bother me. There was a mix of the fact that I'm only her friend (not best friend or boyfriend), and she specifically told me she doesn't talk to her friends everyday. But my other feelings were just that there wasn't anything we needed to talk about anyways. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it didn't bother me like I'd think it would in retrospect.
We did talk a lot today. She's in love with my tattoo. She mentioned how if it had an oval Victorian frame around it, she'd probably want it as a tattoo, too. Her being as important to me as she is, it was no problem at all to draw it up for her. She liked that one a lot, too. It made me really happy that she liked my tattoo so much.
Ryn told me she think'd be fun to take pictures with me. I thought that'd be cool. I told her I'd teach her PhotoShop if she wanted, and she seemed pretty giddy at the idea of that. I told her I'd come over and install it on her computer. This all kind of made me a little sad, because that stuff was something I enjoyed doing with Alex. Now I'm doing it with two girls in which I'm not dating neither of them.
I'm off of work for the next three days, and that makes me worried for how it'll affect me. I don't want to be stuck in my room doing nothing, because that's how I get depressed. Luckily, my computer parts will be here on Monday, and that'll be something for me. Grandma asked if I wanted to go eat that night, too, since my mom is gone for two weeks. So Monday may be a good buffer.
I made a tattoo for myself. I'd really be thinking seriously about what I want, and one day it just hit me. I wanted one of my favorite quotes "Take It Easy, Love Nothing," because that's been a pretty important quote in my life for a long time. Since then, I'd been thinking of a design to go with it. Today it hit me just out of nowhere. I think it's funny, because it has an old school hardcore and straight edge feel to it. My high school self was popping out. I guess it goes well with my new "punkish" style haircut. Either way, I'm really excited to get this as a tattoo now.
Yesterday, Alex and I didn't talk at all. It didn't really bother me. There was a mix of the fact that I'm only her friend (not best friend or boyfriend), and she specifically told me she doesn't talk to her friends everyday. But my other feelings were just that there wasn't anything we needed to talk about anyways. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it didn't bother me like I'd think it would in retrospect.
We did talk a lot today. She's in love with my tattoo. She mentioned how if it had an oval Victorian frame around it, she'd probably want it as a tattoo, too. Her being as important to me as she is, it was no problem at all to draw it up for her. She liked that one a lot, too. It made me really happy that she liked my tattoo so much.
Ryn told me she think'd be fun to take pictures with me. I thought that'd be cool. I told her I'd teach her PhotoShop if she wanted, and she seemed pretty giddy at the idea of that. I told her I'd come over and install it on her computer. This all kind of made me a little sad, because that stuff was something I enjoyed doing with Alex. Now I'm doing it with two girls in which I'm not dating neither of them.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I'm running out of titles.
Today, a guy that Alex may have dated, if it weren't for me, died. I figured if she would've dated him, she must have liked him enough to be pretty effected by it. Assuming this, I was genuinely sorry for her. I couldn't tell how she was feeling. I had guessed she was telling all of that to Brian, and using him mostly for support.
That didn't keep me from being supportive, but it did make me wonder why she came to me about it. I felt stupid, though, because she was talking about her anxiety messing with her and her face going numb. I was getting really worried that this was effecting her badly. It got worse for me, because she didn't say anything to me.
I decided that I couldn't keep going nuts about it, like I do when someone isn't responding to me. So I had to distance myself in a way of assuming the reason why she wasn't talking. I assumed she was talking to Brian about the situation, and told her I'd talk to her later. It worked kind of, and slowly. I mean I started to calm down which is good, because I can't keep freaking out over her all the time. Eventually, she let me know she was driving and that she was at the dentist.
So while I felt dumb, I didn't feel too dumb. I felt a little annoyed that she didn't tell me what she was doing. She's not my girlfriend, so she doesn't have to. But she knows me so well, that it seems like, not even just me, but anyone would get worried when someone is sad about a death and then starts talking about their face going numb. Or maybe only I'd make that kind of connection.
Either way, I didn't stay annoyed. I eventually asked her to help me take my mind off my pain for a few minutes in which I was happy she was responding quickly, because I needed it. I was in serious pain towards the end of my shift, because I hadn't eaten all day and I'd been working all day, too. I was getting a little dizzy. I sat down some and I couldn't even sit up completely straight, but I got up anyways so my co-workers didn't get mad. So I'm happy Alex could help me.
I talked to Ryn a little today. She was high. I don't really like when she gets high, because it makes me feel weird or whatever to talk to her. She'd obviously think I'm stupid for feeling that way, but I know Alex would completely understand what I'm saying. I just don't know how to talk to people when they're drunk or high.
Either way, we talk less and less every day which sucks. She's just always busy as hell, and she's a naturally really vague person, so it's really hard for me to think she cares at all when we talk. Every time I bring something like that up, it hurts her feelings in the sense that she thinks I'm trying to say she's a bad person. So I guess she cares in a way. I miss talking to her.
She did specifically say that she can't wait to hang out with her friends including me. I told her I liked how she said "including you," because it came off as she cared enough to say something like that. But then she said "well, if I didn't, you'd just say something negative." That hurt my feelings. I don't blame her at all for saying that, but it just seemed so bitter. Like she's sick of me.
There was one really good thing I remembered today. I remembered Shoe went back to Savannah for school on the 9th, and he said school started a couple days after that, so I'm guessing it starts tomorrow on Friday. This makes me happy, because that means Emily's back in Savannah and I can stop worrying about seeing her in public. It's a huge weight off of my shoulders.
That didn't keep me from being supportive, but it did make me wonder why she came to me about it. I felt stupid, though, because she was talking about her anxiety messing with her and her face going numb. I was getting really worried that this was effecting her badly. It got worse for me, because she didn't say anything to me.
I decided that I couldn't keep going nuts about it, like I do when someone isn't responding to me. So I had to distance myself in a way of assuming the reason why she wasn't talking. I assumed she was talking to Brian about the situation, and told her I'd talk to her later. It worked kind of, and slowly. I mean I started to calm down which is good, because I can't keep freaking out over her all the time. Eventually, she let me know she was driving and that she was at the dentist.
So while I felt dumb, I didn't feel too dumb. I felt a little annoyed that she didn't tell me what she was doing. She's not my girlfriend, so she doesn't have to. But she knows me so well, that it seems like, not even just me, but anyone would get worried when someone is sad about a death and then starts talking about their face going numb. Or maybe only I'd make that kind of connection.
Either way, I didn't stay annoyed. I eventually asked her to help me take my mind off my pain for a few minutes in which I was happy she was responding quickly, because I needed it. I was in serious pain towards the end of my shift, because I hadn't eaten all day and I'd been working all day, too. I was getting a little dizzy. I sat down some and I couldn't even sit up completely straight, but I got up anyways so my co-workers didn't get mad. So I'm happy Alex could help me.
I talked to Ryn a little today. She was high. I don't really like when she gets high, because it makes me feel weird or whatever to talk to her. She'd obviously think I'm stupid for feeling that way, but I know Alex would completely understand what I'm saying. I just don't know how to talk to people when they're drunk or high.
Either way, we talk less and less every day which sucks. She's just always busy as hell, and she's a naturally really vague person, so it's really hard for me to think she cares at all when we talk. Every time I bring something like that up, it hurts her feelings in the sense that she thinks I'm trying to say she's a bad person. So I guess she cares in a way. I miss talking to her.
She did specifically say that she can't wait to hang out with her friends including me. I told her I liked how she said "including you," because it came off as she cared enough to say something like that. But then she said "well, if I didn't, you'd just say something negative." That hurt my feelings. I don't blame her at all for saying that, but it just seemed so bitter. Like she's sick of me.
There was one really good thing I remembered today. I remembered Shoe went back to Savannah for school on the 9th, and he said school started a couple days after that, so I'm guessing it starts tomorrow on Friday. This makes me happy, because that means Emily's back in Savannah and I can stop worrying about seeing her in public. It's a huge weight off of my shoulders.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Eh.
I was trying to figure out what to talk about tonight by figuring out how I feel. I had a relatively nice day. I worked all day, and had fun joking around with everyone. But work is really a great distraction. I don't feel like I'm really happy. It just...distracts me.
I feel a hatred in me. It feels really intense, but at the same time, I can barely feel it. Does that mean, it's so intense that my body has just kind of "morphed" with it? The hatred is just a natural part of me? At this point, I'll take anything that doesn't cause me pain, and this is causing not much pain. It's just enough that I know it's there.
But who do I hate? Alex? Ryn? Mom? Sure, I hate them sometimes, but I don't want to. I obviously hate myself. I'm a horrible person barely hanging on to my relationships with Alex and Ryn. Both of them would stop talking to me at a hat's drop, because I just mess up too much.
I've been trying to meet people on a serious note, and it's been really hard. The friends I made at Sears was easy. It's easy to get along with people you're not in a serious relationship with. Like with Shoe. He's just a friend. So it doesn't bother me that he hasn't made any time for his supposed best friend since he's been in town. So fuck him.
I guess I can't really figure out this hatred till I talk to a doctor which will probably be a long time from now if at all. Sucks, but I'm getting more used to being alone I think. I'm glad to help Alex without feeling the need to tell her about my problems. Of course, she reads them on here, though. Of course, as well, it does tend to build up, and I need her more and more until I snap.
I feel a hatred in me. It feels really intense, but at the same time, I can barely feel it. Does that mean, it's so intense that my body has just kind of "morphed" with it? The hatred is just a natural part of me? At this point, I'll take anything that doesn't cause me pain, and this is causing not much pain. It's just enough that I know it's there.
But who do I hate? Alex? Ryn? Mom? Sure, I hate them sometimes, but I don't want to. I obviously hate myself. I'm a horrible person barely hanging on to my relationships with Alex and Ryn. Both of them would stop talking to me at a hat's drop, because I just mess up too much.
I've been trying to meet people on a serious note, and it's been really hard. The friends I made at Sears was easy. It's easy to get along with people you're not in a serious relationship with. Like with Shoe. He's just a friend. So it doesn't bother me that he hasn't made any time for his supposed best friend since he's been in town. So fuck him.
I guess I can't really figure out this hatred till I talk to a doctor which will probably be a long time from now if at all. Sucks, but I'm getting more used to being alone I think. I'm glad to help Alex without feeling the need to tell her about my problems. Of course, she reads them on here, though. Of course, as well, it does tend to build up, and I need her more and more until I snap.
Monday, August 8, 2011
There's no relief.
Things have calmed down a little I think. I just feel kind of dull; not really numb. There's still some pain there eating at me. I had my little episode yesterday, and I got it out of me for the most part.
Ryn has started seeing the nastiness that comes from knowing me more and more. She's starting to see the irrationality in me, and starting to realize that the con's far outweigh the pro's when in comes to being friends with me. It's honestly breaking my heart to realize that she'll stop talking to me any day now.
All I can do now is back off, and give our relationship some distance in hopes of calming down. She feels like I treat her like an "evil bitch," and she's not wrong. I tend to expect a lot from her seeing as she's my only friend. But having a friend that barely talks to you is better than no friend I suppose. I guess I always felt like we were close, but now I see it must have been a one sided thing. Or at least I hope it wasn't.
Alex and I are going through another rough patch, because of me again. She seems less annoyed with me this time, and I guess that's because of how quickly I backed off. But then I annoyed her with the drawing I did. Either way, it feels like we're just backing off a little. It does seem like, sometimes, that we get too close in the sense that I become too vulnerable. I still need to find a balance with her, but honestly, I'll probably never find it.
I don't know what I'm going to do. It feels like I should just continue riding this out, but it's too much and I just can't handle it anymore. I called the doctors office, and their next opening isn't even until September. So that's not going to be anything happening soon. I'm still stuck on my own, and I can't take it.
Ryn has started seeing the nastiness that comes from knowing me more and more. She's starting to see the irrationality in me, and starting to realize that the con's far outweigh the pro's when in comes to being friends with me. It's honestly breaking my heart to realize that she'll stop talking to me any day now.
All I can do now is back off, and give our relationship some distance in hopes of calming down. She feels like I treat her like an "evil bitch," and she's not wrong. I tend to expect a lot from her seeing as she's my only friend. But having a friend that barely talks to you is better than no friend I suppose. I guess I always felt like we were close, but now I see it must have been a one sided thing. Or at least I hope it wasn't.
Alex and I are going through another rough patch, because of me again. She seems less annoyed with me this time, and I guess that's because of how quickly I backed off. But then I annoyed her with the drawing I did. Either way, it feels like we're just backing off a little. It does seem like, sometimes, that we get too close in the sense that I become too vulnerable. I still need to find a balance with her, but honestly, I'll probably never find it.
I don't know what I'm going to do. It feels like I should just continue riding this out, but it's too much and I just can't handle it anymore. I called the doctors office, and their next opening isn't even until September. So that's not going to be anything happening soon. I'm still stuck on my own, and I can't take it.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
On a dark road.
I'm trying to decide if I want to delete my Facebook, or not. If I keep it, it's because it's something to do when I'm bored and I'm bored a lot. If I don't keep it, it's because I'm sick and tired of looking at it. I'll keep thinking about it.
Mom didn't leave this morning, so I had to push back getting drunk to tomorrow. I have tomorrow off, but I don't want to go to work hungover on Tuesday. I'll probably still get fucked up anyways just because at this point, I don't care about anything.
I did a painting for Alex. I shouldn't have been surprised that she'd have nothing to say about it. I snapped, because everything's been catching up with me and after last night's talk, I kind of expected more from her. My problem is that I expect her to give a shit about me and what I do for her. I think it's time to start moving on, because I'm tired of this one sided relationship. I'm tired of offering myself up to her all the time, and then getting spit in the face.
Out of anger, since I didn't want to snap on her anymore, I did another painting of her. One that's more accurate in how I view her. Once again, out of my whole being hurt and angry, all she could do was look out for herself. I wasn't going to post it on FB, because I knew she wouldn't want me to. But of course I'm just a fucking asshole to her, and that's all she thinks I'm going to do. Of course when it's me that's pissed off, I'm the one having to make her feel better again.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of giving her everything I've got, and she can't just....be nice to me.
So tomorrow, I'm going to call the doctor and then I'm going to get drunk off my ass. I'm going to lay my razor nearby in hopes of cutting myself while drunk, and accidentally cutting too hard. I'll be happy if I don't wake up tomorrow.
I don't want to be like this anymore, but I honestly don't think a doctor's going to help. Alex probably hates me by now because all she cares about is herself. Mom specifically told me she can't handle me being like this anymore. I'll never forget that my girlfriend of four years and best friend of 18 years left me. How's a fucking doctor going to do anything?
No, the best thing to do is just end everything before it gets worse. I'm angry, hurt, depressed, uncared for.
Mom didn't leave this morning, so I had to push back getting drunk to tomorrow. I have tomorrow off, but I don't want to go to work hungover on Tuesday. I'll probably still get fucked up anyways just because at this point, I don't care about anything.
I did a painting for Alex. I shouldn't have been surprised that she'd have nothing to say about it. I snapped, because everything's been catching up with me and after last night's talk, I kind of expected more from her. My problem is that I expect her to give a shit about me and what I do for her. I think it's time to start moving on, because I'm tired of this one sided relationship. I'm tired of offering myself up to her all the time, and then getting spit in the face.
Out of anger, since I didn't want to snap on her anymore, I did another painting of her. One that's more accurate in how I view her. Once again, out of my whole being hurt and angry, all she could do was look out for herself. I wasn't going to post it on FB, because I knew she wouldn't want me to. But of course I'm just a fucking asshole to her, and that's all she thinks I'm going to do. Of course when it's me that's pissed off, I'm the one having to make her feel better again.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of giving her everything I've got, and she can't just....be nice to me.
So tomorrow, I'm going to call the doctor and then I'm going to get drunk off my ass. I'm going to lay my razor nearby in hopes of cutting myself while drunk, and accidentally cutting too hard. I'll be happy if I don't wake up tomorrow.
I don't want to be like this anymore, but I honestly don't think a doctor's going to help. Alex probably hates me by now because all she cares about is herself. Mom specifically told me she can't handle me being like this anymore. I'll never forget that my girlfriend of four years and best friend of 18 years left me. How's a fucking doctor going to do anything?
No, the best thing to do is just end everything before it gets worse. I'm angry, hurt, depressed, uncared for.
She doesn't wanna hear me get started.
Coma. Is that what it is? I'm coming to the sky. Goodbye, I don't like you. For so long, it's always been a case of "I'll be right back." I don't want to be forgotten, but I do want to let go. When everything's ignited, what is there to feel? Confusion becomes a Van Halen rift, and a girl I loved becomes someone else's guitar. Does anybody know what I should say when they ask me for something? She doesn't miss me.
I don't like when people tell me they wish they could be happy about having someone. They could be like me, and have no one. If I had a little pussy on the side, this iPhone could stop being played with so much because I know it's not boring; a sleepy soul that can't believe when things are going too fast.
I don't got advice for a girl who can't help me, nor do I know if I care about the things that people expect me to care about. It isn't the same as it used to be. I'm just using a different fuel than you. Trying is like a visit to the zoo when you can't see a pretty face that would have stared back especially when it's all I dwell on. Here's a picture of a boulder. Now watch as I become harder, because I want to become numb for good before I turn cold.
Now I....it won't stop. Just give me a shot, all I want is to be shot. I looked through my parents extra fridge for the hardest looking liquor they had. I'm fucked up, and now it's time to get real fucked up. Why not?
Wanna hear about my problems, too?
Saturday, August 6, 2011
hate
I liked the box cutter so much, that I'll probably use it again when I get to work later. Today's that day where I may do something bad.
People only want me to entertain them, or help them with something. No one cares about me.
This may be it.
People only want me to entertain them, or help them with something. No one cares about me.
This may be it.
Still in pain.
I don't know how today was. It was quiet. I had a dull pain all day that's gotten worse as the day went. My chest hurts now, though. It's been hurting.
Alex wanted me to get on MSN to help her with something on Photoshop. I thought it'd be a good chance to make small talk since we were waiting for the PS file to transfer. I mentioned something, but she never said anything to it and she was untalkative for the most part anyways. She only had one thing on her mind. So after I was finished helping her, I asked if that was it and then got off. She obviously didn't want to talk which didn't help my chest pain.
At work, everyone teased me the whole time. I could take it for a while, but it eventually got to me and I became quiet. Everyone tried to tell me they're just messing with me, but eventually left me alone and I worked in silence and by myself for the next four hours. I eventually cut myself with the razor/box cutter I was using. They saw it, but I was able to convince them it was an accident.
I feel like dying. Getting pills from a doctor might be a mistake on their part.
One head is all I need when I feel like I'm living without my own. It's surprising how people begin to care when they hear about it from other people. But this box of prophecies don't even have the bulb to light ahead, because I took it off. It's all messy.
No match to point, and no point in smiling about being alive. It's a sure thing when none us are surprised. It's a bold move on to the streets when your brothers think you're an idiot. So make like the words to a good song, and make me not care. It's a cage of a life, and a boat that I wish I could abandon.
If you wanted help, you could at least pay me back in conversation. Put your guns away, because I'm not here to fight. There's no getting along with people that I'm only trying to understand. It's a monster of a task trying to do the best I can. If we can't dance in line and if these shoes are dying on you, a computer program is the last thing I'm going to worry about.
You can take me straight to hell, but I'll still raise my flag back up to Earth to let everyone know they were right. There's no place to cry for me, and there's no circle for my heart to jump through. There's no poor girl for me to hate not when I'm burning and praying to the sky. So give up, because this is all we have and it's obvious you want more from this silent show.
I'm trying to enjoy my end and my words are only so deep. Deep enough to run through your veins, and to cut them is something I've been deeply considering. Somewhere, they're still playing at a welcoming committee, because a hospital is where I'm going to end up if I don't pull through.
Alex wanted me to get on MSN to help her with something on Photoshop. I thought it'd be a good chance to make small talk since we were waiting for the PS file to transfer. I mentioned something, but she never said anything to it and she was untalkative for the most part anyways. She only had one thing on her mind. So after I was finished helping her, I asked if that was it and then got off. She obviously didn't want to talk which didn't help my chest pain.
At work, everyone teased me the whole time. I could take it for a while, but it eventually got to me and I became quiet. Everyone tried to tell me they're just messing with me, but eventually left me alone and I worked in silence and by myself for the next four hours. I eventually cut myself with the razor/box cutter I was using. They saw it, but I was able to convince them it was an accident.
I feel like dying. Getting pills from a doctor might be a mistake on their part.
One head is all I need when I feel like I'm living without my own. It's surprising how people begin to care when they hear about it from other people. But this box of prophecies don't even have the bulb to light ahead, because I took it off. It's all messy.
No match to point, and no point in smiling about being alive. It's a sure thing when none us are surprised. It's a bold move on to the streets when your brothers think you're an idiot. So make like the words to a good song, and make me not care. It's a cage of a life, and a boat that I wish I could abandon.
If you wanted help, you could at least pay me back in conversation. Put your guns away, because I'm not here to fight. There's no getting along with people that I'm only trying to understand. It's a monster of a task trying to do the best I can. If we can't dance in line and if these shoes are dying on you, a computer program is the last thing I'm going to worry about.
You can take me straight to hell, but I'll still raise my flag back up to Earth to let everyone know they were right. There's no place to cry for me, and there's no circle for my heart to jump through. There's no poor girl for me to hate not when I'm burning and praying to the sky. So give up, because this is all we have and it's obvious you want more from this silent show.
I'm trying to enjoy my end and my words are only so deep. Deep enough to run through your veins, and to cut them is something I've been deeply considering. Somewhere, they're still playing at a welcoming committee, because a hospital is where I'm going to end up if I don't pull through.
Friday, August 5, 2011
I know what I want now.
Everything always hurts. Even today when nothing really happened, I'm still in pain. I'm going to start seeing a doctor about my depression soon, but I don't have too much hope for it. I don't feel like anything can help me. I feel too bitter to believe there's anything good out there, and I feel too twisted up.
Alex couldn't help me. She could take my mind off the pain every now and then, but that was it. I still blame the distance, though. She says things are perfect with Brian, and that they never fight. Once things get more serious, I'm sure they will. Long distance always makes everything worse. Just look at me and Emily. We were perfect till we went to separate colleges. I still believe Alex and I would've been perfect in person, too, but I wasn't strong enough to keep the relationship going.
I hope the doctor I see gives me good medicine. I hope it helps me stop dwelling on things, because it hurts that I'm still in pain and Alex is okay with everything (despite me being a bad boyfriend to her). I honestly hope it dulls me out. I used to always hear about anti-depressants making people seem like drones, and I wouldn't mind that. I wouldn't mind not caring about anything. And if it doesn't work, I could just OD on them.
I've honestly been feeling more and more suicidal lately. It feels like the fear of doing it is lessening, and the actual and genuine want for it is increasing. It's a soothing feeling. It's like the calm that people feel when they accept that they're dying. I told Alex that I wouldn't let her wonder if I'm dead, but what does that really mean? I couldn't just tell her "Hey, I'm about to kill myself." I would probably tell her I never want to talk again, so she doesn't feel responsible or live with my death. She's starting a new life, and I don't want to ruin that, too.
I just want to drift off, because no one cares about me. No one really pays attention to me. Mom's only caring now, because Jason told her about me. She didn't care when I told her. I think right now, Alex is the only person that really cares about me and even then it's only because of our history. I don't know if I feel a genuine care. It's more like she's scared of what I'll do if she stops talking to me. Plus, I guess it is hard to believe she cares about me when she still talks to my brother on FB which still gets to me, because I'm pretty sure there's no way she'd want her friends to know she still talks to me. Or she probably doesn't care about that either.
So if I die, I will just drift away and drifting away is what I want. So I pretty much know what I need to do. I need to die.
Alex couldn't help me. She could take my mind off the pain every now and then, but that was it. I still blame the distance, though. She says things are perfect with Brian, and that they never fight. Once things get more serious, I'm sure they will. Long distance always makes everything worse. Just look at me and Emily. We were perfect till we went to separate colleges. I still believe Alex and I would've been perfect in person, too, but I wasn't strong enough to keep the relationship going.
I hope the doctor I see gives me good medicine. I hope it helps me stop dwelling on things, because it hurts that I'm still in pain and Alex is okay with everything (despite me being a bad boyfriend to her). I honestly hope it dulls me out. I used to always hear about anti-depressants making people seem like drones, and I wouldn't mind that. I wouldn't mind not caring about anything. And if it doesn't work, I could just OD on them.
I've honestly been feeling more and more suicidal lately. It feels like the fear of doing it is lessening, and the actual and genuine want for it is increasing. It's a soothing feeling. It's like the calm that people feel when they accept that they're dying. I told Alex that I wouldn't let her wonder if I'm dead, but what does that really mean? I couldn't just tell her "Hey, I'm about to kill myself." I would probably tell her I never want to talk again, so she doesn't feel responsible or live with my death. She's starting a new life, and I don't want to ruin that, too.
I just want to drift off, because no one cares about me. No one really pays attention to me. Mom's only caring now, because Jason told her about me. She didn't care when I told her. I think right now, Alex is the only person that really cares about me and even then it's only because of our history. I don't know if I feel a genuine care. It's more like she's scared of what I'll do if she stops talking to me. Plus, I guess it is hard to believe she cares about me when she still talks to my brother on FB which still gets to me, because I'm pretty sure there's no way she'd want her friends to know she still talks to me. Or she probably doesn't care about that either.
So if I die, I will just drift away and drifting away is what I want. So I pretty much know what I need to do. I need to die.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Fuck.
I fucked up. I did it again, and I feel like my breathing is getting faster. I made Alex mad at me again. She told me about how she told Brian about her PMDD and how he said the perfect thing.
Of course, I have to take it a really bad way because I'm still not over Alex. And now she probably won't tell me anything about him and her anymore. She'll probably stop talking to me just in general, and now I'm freaking out. I made her hate me again.
She's already not talking to me. She just says stuff like okay, and that's it. She's backing off now. She won't even admit she's annoyed with me. What do I do?
This sucks so bad. My chest feels like it's going to burst. I feel like I can't breathe.
Alex finally told me everything was okay. I believe her. I'm just too used to making her angry with me. But that doesn't mean I'm fine. I'm still in pain.
She's really happy about the guy she likes saying something perfect to her. It hurts. I'm still not over Alex. I still think about how we were together for a year, and how much I loved her and thought about her. I still think about what it would have been like to be with her in person, and doing all the things we wanted to do together.
So, yes. It hurts that she's replaced me so easily. It hurts that I'm not the most important person to her anymore. Especially since she's still the most important person to me.
Of course, I have to take it a really bad way because I'm still not over Alex. And now she probably won't tell me anything about him and her anymore. She'll probably stop talking to me just in general, and now I'm freaking out. I made her hate me again.
She's already not talking to me. She just says stuff like okay, and that's it. She's backing off now. She won't even admit she's annoyed with me. What do I do?
This sucks so bad. My chest feels like it's going to burst. I feel like I can't breathe.
Alex finally told me everything was okay. I believe her. I'm just too used to making her angry with me. But that doesn't mean I'm fine. I'm still in pain.
She's really happy about the guy she likes saying something perfect to her. It hurts. I'm still not over Alex. I still think about how we were together for a year, and how much I loved her and thought about her. I still think about what it would have been like to be with her in person, and doing all the things we wanted to do together.
So, yes. It hurts that she's replaced me so easily. It hurts that I'm not the most important person to her anymore. Especially since she's still the most important person to me.
Better than yesterday at least.
Today was kind of meh. I guess after how bad yesterday was and being calmer today, it must be normal to have a day like this which I don't really know how to describe. It was quiet which is nice, but it also felt a little chaotic here and there which isn't nice. I just sat in the living room in my boxers till it was time to get ready for work.
Alex talked to me about how it sucked to have to talk to her friend about what she and Matt did together. I think I was able to help. She said just talking helped. Later on, I kind of went to her about something about my mom. I was hoping she'd have something to say about it or knew what I should do, but she had nothing to say. She just said it was weird. It kind of bummed me out, but I didn't tell her. I didn't want to annoy her with my problems, because that's kind of what our relationship has come to. I help her when she comes to me, and.....that's it. She doesn't care about my problems; I just happen to care about hers.
Ryn and I had a nice discussion. I don't know if she read yesterday's post, but it felt like she did. I think so, because we talked about Texas some more and how we'd see if anything would happen between us because she admitted the only real reason she's still with her boyfriend is they don't both want to be bored and they don't care about each other. I kind of think she's waiting for me and her to get to know each other more. I don't mind being just friends right now, because that's all I really need. We're planning on going to Ikea which I'm really excited for. I like that place for some reason. She wants to pretend to be engaged looking for furniture.
I think I've officially given up trying to find a girlfriend. Emily hasn't talked to me in over a week, and it's just whatever. Despite being really cool (she's not so cool, though), and liking Red vs. Blue and stuff like that, there wasn't really a spark or anything. I was just using her for comfort and she used me for sex. Her plus all the other girls I'd met; it's like "fuck it." I've got a nice thing going with Ryn anyways, because she's a genuine and caring friend, and I don't feel the need to find another friend or a girlfriend with how fake everyone is.
Alex talked to me about how it sucked to have to talk to her friend about what she and Matt did together. I think I was able to help. She said just talking helped. Later on, I kind of went to her about something about my mom. I was hoping she'd have something to say about it or knew what I should do, but she had nothing to say. She just said it was weird. It kind of bummed me out, but I didn't tell her. I didn't want to annoy her with my problems, because that's kind of what our relationship has come to. I help her when she comes to me, and.....that's it. She doesn't care about my problems; I just happen to care about hers.
Ryn and I had a nice discussion. I don't know if she read yesterday's post, but it felt like she did. I think so, because we talked about Texas some more and how we'd see if anything would happen between us because she admitted the only real reason she's still with her boyfriend is they don't both want to be bored and they don't care about each other. I kind of think she's waiting for me and her to get to know each other more. I don't mind being just friends right now, because that's all I really need. We're planning on going to Ikea which I'm really excited for. I like that place for some reason. She wants to pretend to be engaged looking for furniture.
I think I've officially given up trying to find a girlfriend. Emily hasn't talked to me in over a week, and it's just whatever. Despite being really cool (she's not so cool, though), and liking Red vs. Blue and stuff like that, there wasn't really a spark or anything. I was just using her for comfort and she used me for sex. Her plus all the other girls I'd met; it's like "fuck it." I've got a nice thing going with Ryn anyways, because she's a genuine and caring friend, and I don't feel the need to find another friend or a girlfriend with how fake everyone is.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
It feels like everyone left me today.
Another bad day. Another normal day I guess. My chest hurts. I wish I knew how to explain how I feel. I know why I feel like this, but does it matter?
It's like every day is like this, and I'm having to pretend people care about me.
Ryn has this thing where she seems to kind of push me away. Or it feels like it, but she thinks I'm pushing her away. I guess I do that in a way. When I feel like she pushes me away, then I back off to protect myself, but then she gets sad when I back off. She's dating someone, but she's always sending me mixed signals. Sometimes, it's like we're dating, and then other times, it's like she wants to make it perfectly clear that we're not. It hurts. Her boyfriend is long distance, and she never talks about him. So I tend to forget she's not single.
I went out with Shoe today. We were gonna go eat somewhere, and he invited a bunch of other people to come with us. I didn't take it personally, but it hurt. They were all people I knew in high school, but didn't like. So I got to sit at the corner, and keep to myself. Shoe didn't really talk to me. It made me wonder why he wanted to hang out, if he just wanted to be with everyone else.
Alex shut me out today. I was already doing badly today, and then she had to go and make it that much worse. She mentioned something about Brian and I asked about it, but she shut me out. It sucks when she comes to me for help with Brian, and then she rejects me like this. It's like she uses me. She'll come to me when she needs help, but then....fuck me the rest of the time. I guess it's time to start backing off of her again. I enjoyed deluding myself this past week that we were friends, but I guess this is the end of that.
I've been talking to Jason some, because he wants to help me. I told him I wanted to die.
I really mean that, too.
There are a packet of razors at work. I took one of the razors home with me. I haven't used it, but I'm sure I will.
It's like every day is like this, and I'm having to pretend people care about me.
Ryn has this thing where she seems to kind of push me away. Or it feels like it, but she thinks I'm pushing her away. I guess I do that in a way. When I feel like she pushes me away, then I back off to protect myself, but then she gets sad when I back off. She's dating someone, but she's always sending me mixed signals. Sometimes, it's like we're dating, and then other times, it's like she wants to make it perfectly clear that we're not. It hurts. Her boyfriend is long distance, and she never talks about him. So I tend to forget she's not single.
I went out with Shoe today. We were gonna go eat somewhere, and he invited a bunch of other people to come with us. I didn't take it personally, but it hurt. They were all people I knew in high school, but didn't like. So I got to sit at the corner, and keep to myself. Shoe didn't really talk to me. It made me wonder why he wanted to hang out, if he just wanted to be with everyone else.
Alex shut me out today. I was already doing badly today, and then she had to go and make it that much worse. She mentioned something about Brian and I asked about it, but she shut me out. It sucks when she comes to me for help with Brian, and then she rejects me like this. It's like she uses me. She'll come to me when she needs help, but then....fuck me the rest of the time. I guess it's time to start backing off of her again. I enjoyed deluding myself this past week that we were friends, but I guess this is the end of that.
I've been talking to Jason some, because he wants to help me. I told him I wanted to die.
I really mean that, too.
There are a packet of razors at work. I took one of the razors home with me. I haven't used it, but I'm sure I will.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Emotional day.
Today was pretty bumpy. I felt a lot of different emotions today. I was in a good mood during work, because it was just me and Andrew, and he's always making me laugh. We got a lot of work done on our own, too, even while goofing around. For lunch, we both had Zaxby's which is my favorite food in the world. I was extremely stuff after that and it felt like my stomach was sticking out 5 inches, but it was totally worth it. I don't really look forward to working, but I'm really enjoying what it's doing for me. I recognize that I'm in a better mood when I'm working and hanging out with my new friends.
Afterwards, when I was home, I started feeling really angry. Then my mom really pissed me off, and sent me off the edge. She really sparks no positive feelings in me at all, and the sooner I get out of here, the better. I was so angry, that I talked my older brother Jason about it some and he had a lot of advice to give me. I really appreciated it. Later on, though, I started feeling angry again. Alex told me to take my own advice and go out, and punch on the punching bag. After I started to calm down from that, I felt better. I was in a better mood. Of course, Alex was keeping me company, though.
As far as Alex goes, we've been doing really well. I came up with some rules for myself to make sure we're always on each other's good side. I really really hate when we're not getting along. One of those rules is a little confusing, though. I still haven't figured it out, but it's about how much I can talk to her or pester her mainly about a problem I'm having. I've been coming to her about my problems some, but I try to back off a lot because I don't want to annoy her. She's been coming to me with her problems, too. It makes me feel good that she considers me to be important enough for that. I don't know if it's because of when I told her about how I wish I was important to her, or if it's just a coincidence.
I do know that I have a new rule. It has nothing to do with her doing something to upset me, or anything like that. In fact, I'm not even upset about it. But tonight, she sent me a picture which made me happy. I was really happy to see her after so long. I hadn't even realized it'd been so long. But I started flirting with her about her boobs, and....it didn't feel right. I was uncomfortable about it. It has nothing to do with my feelings about her or anything. It's just taboo I guess. I don't know. I'm sure I made her uncomfortable, or I probably just came off as a bro. Either way, I think I'll stay away from that topic.
After everything, though, I feel better now. I let some anger out, and I'm calm; a lot calmer than I've been in a while, and it's nice.
Afterwards, when I was home, I started feeling really angry. Then my mom really pissed me off, and sent me off the edge. She really sparks no positive feelings in me at all, and the sooner I get out of here, the better. I was so angry, that I talked my older brother Jason about it some and he had a lot of advice to give me. I really appreciated it. Later on, though, I started feeling angry again. Alex told me to take my own advice and go out, and punch on the punching bag. After I started to calm down from that, I felt better. I was in a better mood. Of course, Alex was keeping me company, though.
As far as Alex goes, we've been doing really well. I came up with some rules for myself to make sure we're always on each other's good side. I really really hate when we're not getting along. One of those rules is a little confusing, though. I still haven't figured it out, but it's about how much I can talk to her or pester her mainly about a problem I'm having. I've been coming to her about my problems some, but I try to back off a lot because I don't want to annoy her. She's been coming to me with her problems, too. It makes me feel good that she considers me to be important enough for that. I don't know if it's because of when I told her about how I wish I was important to her, or if it's just a coincidence.
I do know that I have a new rule. It has nothing to do with her doing something to upset me, or anything like that. In fact, I'm not even upset about it. But tonight, she sent me a picture which made me happy. I was really happy to see her after so long. I hadn't even realized it'd been so long. But I started flirting with her about her boobs, and....it didn't feel right. I was uncomfortable about it. It has nothing to do with my feelings about her or anything. It's just taboo I guess. I don't know. I'm sure I made her uncomfortable, or I probably just came off as a bro. Either way, I think I'll stay away from that topic.
After everything, though, I feel better now. I let some anger out, and I'm calm; a lot calmer than I've been in a while, and it's nice.
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