You should see the way I walked past our graveyard, and wished the way in choked collars until the coins in your pocket sold a flower to her. I'm ghost powdered in that you pushed me in a trench coat, and you said don't move to fast or I'll lose the smell of a recent shower I took with her.
Where are the others from long ago before? And how come the dead could come to the kitchen to mourn? When I'm hungry, you're gonna be a soaked car on vacation in the morn. Give me to time to get up. Set up the siren before I set out. We were snowing on nobodies underbelly treating ourselves like a scarce collection.
I can scream up a fairies stick, and I can hold up to these holes in my shoulders. It can run along like a dog, and keep me grounded round my ankles if you don't crush them with a wet pocket. I am nobodies boyfriend even if there's room for a smith. I am delighted in our love that stormed in through my window. I know you're listening.
I can play The Sims, but there's no room for you in my city. You'll never know if I'm happy. If there's anything we should know is if you're living a good life, and even then, you're gonna have to be crafty. Boys; they hold up their hands for the population remedy to stay alive. It's wonderful.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Lately, I've been doing pretty okay. Dora likes to talk till like two or three in the morning, so I've been really tired. I don't mind talking all night, but I'm so tired during work. -__- Last night, she opened up a lot. I found some pretty dark things about her, and she was glad it didn't scare me off. She also said something about stealing a pair of my boxers, and my PS3. Great. T______T
Her plane lands at like one in the morning tonight, so I'm probably going to take advantage of that and go to bed earlier tonight, though. I really need it.
I'm in a really weird mood tonight. I don't really know what it is. I feel calm, but slightly and physically uncomfortable. I was kind of an asshole at work today. I felt like my old self a little. This really friendly girl there asked if I liked her (as in friends), and I was like "nope!" Eh. There were other things that I did like I kept imitating Steve's (who has autism) grunt noise every time he picked up something heavy. Andrew and I were laughing so hard. I haven't laughed that loud in a really long time. But I realized it was bothering Steve, so I stopped. I also tried to make him feel better by giving him high fives and getting him to dance with me when a good song came on the radio.
The thing is is that I wasn't making fun of him. Everyone picks on everyone, and I thought the excessive grunt he made was funny.
Next week, I have Sunday through Tuesday off which is freaking sweet. Dora will be happy to know we can hang out for three days. I'm supposed to be spending the night with her on Friday night, too, so we'll be seeing each other a lot.
I learned that her gay male best friend has the same birthday as me, but she told me that he'll be with family that day and she'll come spend the night with me that night. We won't have sex or anything. The point about that is that instead of being with her best friend who she's known forever, she wants to be with me instead. I told her that would be the best birthday present.
So, yeah. Everything's pleasantly nice lately. It's also been raining a lot, so that's neat.
Oh, yeah. I did a painting of Dora. It's not my best, but I like it. Her hair is cool. She said she likes doing different colors like the girl from Scott Pilgrim.
Her plane lands at like one in the morning tonight, so I'm probably going to take advantage of that and go to bed earlier tonight, though. I really need it.
I'm in a really weird mood tonight. I don't really know what it is. I feel calm, but slightly and physically uncomfortable. I was kind of an asshole at work today. I felt like my old self a little. This really friendly girl there asked if I liked her (as in friends), and I was like "nope!" Eh. There were other things that I did like I kept imitating Steve's (who has autism) grunt noise every time he picked up something heavy. Andrew and I were laughing so hard. I haven't laughed that loud in a really long time. But I realized it was bothering Steve, so I stopped. I also tried to make him feel better by giving him high fives and getting him to dance with me when a good song came on the radio.
The thing is is that I wasn't making fun of him. Everyone picks on everyone, and I thought the excessive grunt he made was funny.
Next week, I have Sunday through Tuesday off which is freaking sweet. Dora will be happy to know we can hang out for three days. I'm supposed to be spending the night with her on Friday night, too, so we'll be seeing each other a lot.
I learned that her gay male best friend has the same birthday as me, but she told me that he'll be with family that day and she'll come spend the night with me that night. We won't have sex or anything. The point about that is that instead of being with her best friend who she's known forever, she wants to be with me instead. I told her that would be the best birthday present.
So, yeah. Everything's pleasantly nice lately. It's also been raining a lot, so that's neat.
Oh, yeah. I did a painting of Dora. It's not my best, but I like it. Her hair is cool. She said she likes doing different colors like the girl from Scott Pilgrim.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
I hate myself.
I am not very happy today. Nor was I yesterday. It sucks when I fall for someone who doesn't talk a lot. Today, she told me she wouldn't have anything going on, so she'd talk to me a lot. I haven't heard from her at all really.
I called her on my lunch, but we didn't talk much. She kept telling me she'd get on Yahoo. She told me so many times today. She texted me that she was about to shower, and she'd be online. That was two hours ago. She was on FB, though. She was online, but she didn't talk to me or anything.
I know she doesn't like talking a lot, and she's probably busy (even though she said she wasn't today). She'd probably by really turned off by me feeling this way, because she doesn't really like a lot of affection. So why would she like some loser being depressed about not hearing from her? I'm just not good at not hearing from someone I like. I get really depressed, and my mind tells me the shittiest things.
It tells me things like "she doesn't like you as much as you think," and I get to the point where I don't know what to believe. I never expect anything good to happen to me, and I don't know why I should believe something like this is really happening. I just really want to believe it, but it's hard to believe it being the lame type of person that needs to be in contact all the time.
I really don't like myself for being this way.
I ended copying this post into a message to her, and let her know that while I worried about scaring her off, I rather let her know and be rejected than hold it in all the time. Not too long after sending it to her, she had texted me telling me sorry and that she had spent the last two hours hugging a toilet because she was sick.
I felt stupid about the message and let her know it. She read it afterwards, though, and she said "we need to have a serious talk about your abandonment issues." I was really worried, because I thought she was annoyed. But really, she wanted to talk about it and figure out a way for me to feel better, and not end up mistrusting her even worse.
She suggested having a particular time where we talk on the phone, and she even wrote down the times in her notebook (in which she only stores "important" information). I was surprised at her willingness to find a solution, and she told me that she really wanted to make this work.
So, like always, I over-worried about nothing, but the difference is that I found someone who wanted to help this time and it makes me happy. I got lucky this time.
I called her on my lunch, but we didn't talk much. She kept telling me she'd get on Yahoo. She told me so many times today. She texted me that she was about to shower, and she'd be online. That was two hours ago. She was on FB, though. She was online, but she didn't talk to me or anything.
I know she doesn't like talking a lot, and she's probably busy (even though she said she wasn't today). She'd probably by really turned off by me feeling this way, because she doesn't really like a lot of affection. So why would she like some loser being depressed about not hearing from her? I'm just not good at not hearing from someone I like. I get really depressed, and my mind tells me the shittiest things.
It tells me things like "she doesn't like you as much as you think," and I get to the point where I don't know what to believe. I never expect anything good to happen to me, and I don't know why I should believe something like this is really happening. I just really want to believe it, but it's hard to believe it being the lame type of person that needs to be in contact all the time.
I really don't like myself for being this way.
I ended copying this post into a message to her, and let her know that while I worried about scaring her off, I rather let her know and be rejected than hold it in all the time. Not too long after sending it to her, she had texted me telling me sorry and that she had spent the last two hours hugging a toilet because she was sick.
I felt stupid about the message and let her know it. She read it afterwards, though, and she said "we need to have a serious talk about your abandonment issues." I was really worried, because I thought she was annoyed. But really, she wanted to talk about it and figure out a way for me to feel better, and not end up mistrusting her even worse.
She suggested having a particular time where we talk on the phone, and she even wrote down the times in her notebook (in which she only stores "important" information). I was surprised at her willingness to find a solution, and she told me that she really wanted to make this work.
So, like always, I over-worried about nothing, but the difference is that I found someone who wanted to help this time and it makes me happy. I got lucky this time.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
New album, and new possible relationship.
Apparently, this shit is real. I mean it just got real. This girl likes me a lot, and has expressed her want in being with me. She's told me how she doesn't want to have sex till at least after a month until after we've started officially dating, because she likes sex but she wants us to be real. She told me that she feels a strong connection with me, and is ecstatic that she met me.
This shit is scary.
Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to have met someone that seems real, and something real is going to happen. I'm playing it safe, though. I told her how a lot of girls have fucked me over bad. I told her about Emily (the whore, not the ex), and Kara (both times). But then she told me that she's been cheated on so many times, that it's apparently not funny. She let me know that if I don't hurt her, then she won't hurt me. And that if it came to it, she'd rather talk it out than just "vanish" like I put it.
My mind is so terrified. It's like "FUCK YEAH." But it's also hiding it the corner. It doesn't matter if I'm scared, because this could be it and I want to see if it is.
So, there's that.
There's also the fact that Interpol had a new album come out last year. I knew that one was coming, but I thought it came out next year. No one fucking told me. I like it, though. It's like "Antics", but more experimental. It's not like "Our Love To Admire," and while I did like that album, I'm still glad it's not like it so much. It was really different in good ways, but it was also too different from what I fell in love with.
I've always been depressed that I could never look as sweet as they do.
This shit is scary.
Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to have met someone that seems real, and something real is going to happen. I'm playing it safe, though. I told her how a lot of girls have fucked me over bad. I told her about Emily (the whore, not the ex), and Kara (both times). But then she told me that she's been cheated on so many times, that it's apparently not funny. She let me know that if I don't hurt her, then she won't hurt me. And that if it came to it, she'd rather talk it out than just "vanish" like I put it.
My mind is so terrified. It's like "FUCK YEAH." But it's also hiding it the corner. It doesn't matter if I'm scared, because this could be it and I want to see if it is.
So, there's that.
There's also the fact that Interpol had a new album come out last year. I knew that one was coming, but I thought it came out next year. No one fucking told me. I like it, though. It's like "Antics", but more experimental. It's not like "Our Love To Admire," and while I did like that album, I'm still glad it's not like it so much. It was really different in good ways, but it was also too different from what I fell in love with.
I've always been depressed that I could never look as sweet as they do.
Work was better today. I wasn't feeling as sensitive, and I made jokes again. The manager yelled at us, because the maternity boxes that get dropped off by UPS "were missing." We told him UPS hadn't come yet, but the bitch that's in charge of maternity clothes is an uppity and ornery idiot that doesn't believe us. I mean....it doesn't make sense. The manager said he'd find out who got rid of it by checking who signed for the UPS.
what the fuuuuuuuuuu
Anyways, UPS literally arrived ten minutes later, and we were like "Hey, UPS is here with maternity shit." After yelling and getting on our case, all he can say is "Alright." Fucking people.
I went to a bar after work. I had a burger where the buns were grilled cheeses. I also had a beer, because it was a bar. But then I got a sweet tea, because beer tastes bad. They were playing The Postal Service which was weird, but I can't complain because I like them.
That girl that I felt stupid for talking to, because I had decided to stop talking to people online has turned out to be cool. She had to go to Texas for the week, but we talk on the phone. We'll see each other when she gets back. She said she was going to make me chicken alfredo which is....sweet.
She's really cute in a "shy looking" type of way.
Either way, things are going nicely. I'm not being overbearing with her, and she seems pretty genuine. I told her I have an imaginary friend just out of no where, and she said she had one, too. It was obvious we'd get along at that point.
I got my car back today. It cost $700. sigh. I used my savings, though, so whatever. And it's not like I really have anything else to pay for now that Chris doesn't want to get an apartment together anymore. I did get my first bill for my student loans, though. It's only $350 a month which isn't too bad. I make around $700 a month.
what the fuuuuuuuuuu
Anyways, UPS literally arrived ten minutes later, and we were like "Hey, UPS is here with maternity shit." After yelling and getting on our case, all he can say is "Alright." Fucking people.
I went to a bar after work. I had a burger where the buns were grilled cheeses. I also had a beer, because it was a bar. But then I got a sweet tea, because beer tastes bad. They were playing The Postal Service which was weird, but I can't complain because I like them.
That girl that I felt stupid for talking to, because I had decided to stop talking to people online has turned out to be cool. She had to go to Texas for the week, but we talk on the phone. We'll see each other when she gets back. She said she was going to make me chicken alfredo which is....sweet.
She's really cute in a "shy looking" type of way.
Either way, things are going nicely. I'm not being overbearing with her, and she seems pretty genuine. I told her I have an imaginary friend just out of no where, and she said she had one, too. It was obvious we'd get along at that point.
I got my car back today. It cost $700. sigh. I used my savings, though, so whatever. And it's not like I really have anything else to pay for now that Chris doesn't want to get an apartment together anymore. I did get my first bill for my student loans, though. It's only $350 a month which isn't too bad. I make around $700 a month.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
From bad to....good?
Work today was not like I wish it could always be. Everyone was bullshitting (like they always do), but they just kept going...and going. I can't really take that much. It sucked, because I was really bummed out and stayed quiet during work the whole time. It was kind of cool, because I played Interpol off my phone from the boom box. So at least I had that.
On my way home, my engine started smoking. Luckily, I was close to a car shop and pulled in. Alex had to come get me, and mom and I will stop by in the morning to get them to look at it. She'll have to drop me off at work. I'm not really pissed or upset. It's just really inconvient. Hopefully, it's fixed soon.
I happened to have Skype turned on on my phone, and I noticed Ryn had said "Howdy." That was a pretty...big surprise. Apparently, she misses me. She wants to talk again, and the reason she didn't do so earlier was because her phone was broken. I'm surprised she still has my number. Of course, I couldn't help but think "Is this gonna be another Kara?" But then I thought Ryn's different. I mean...she stopped talking to me, but not because of a stupid reason or stopped talking to me randomly. She said after payday, she'd like to meet up somewhere. So hopefully, like I said before, my car will be fixed soon.
I always thought she was a good friend, so yeah...it's nice to see her again.
It's kind of funny, because at work, all I could think about was getting home and playing Deus Ex. I haven't wanted to rush home to play a game that bad since like high school. I played for about 3 hours, and had pizza rolls for dinner with Alex. The day started rough, but all in all, it ended nicely.
It's not every day that a bad day doesn't turn worse for me.
On my way home, my engine started smoking. Luckily, I was close to a car shop and pulled in. Alex had to come get me, and mom and I will stop by in the morning to get them to look at it. She'll have to drop me off at work. I'm not really pissed or upset. It's just really inconvient. Hopefully, it's fixed soon.
I happened to have Skype turned on on my phone, and I noticed Ryn had said "Howdy." That was a pretty...big surprise. Apparently, she misses me. She wants to talk again, and the reason she didn't do so earlier was because her phone was broken. I'm surprised she still has my number. Of course, I couldn't help but think "Is this gonna be another Kara?" But then I thought Ryn's different. I mean...she stopped talking to me, but not because of a stupid reason or stopped talking to me randomly. She said after payday, she'd like to meet up somewhere. So hopefully, like I said before, my car will be fixed soon.
I always thought she was a good friend, so yeah...it's nice to see her again.
It's kind of funny, because at work, all I could think about was getting home and playing Deus Ex. I haven't wanted to rush home to play a game that bad since like high school. I played for about 3 hours, and had pizza rolls for dinner with Alex. The day started rough, but all in all, it ended nicely.
It's not every day that a bad day doesn't turn worse for me.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Weirdo cat.
I'm trying to watch a video, but Kalisto has been pacing on my computer table for a while now rubbing her face and fat belly on my face, and whacking me with her tail. T________T
Monday, September 19, 2011
I've been whistling this song for about a week now at work, and I'm only just now taking the time to listen to the actual song.
I can feel myself slowly being bummed out as the day goes on.
I also just got an email from Tumblr. I forgot I had made one before asking Alex if I should make one. I assumed she'd be cool with it. Now that I remember I have one, I don't care to try it out or anything, because what would be the point? It's not like I'm going to talk to anyone on there.
I'm going to think about what I want for dinner for the next hour, and then be disappointed by our lack of food here.
I got no idea.
I haven't done anything that I thought I'd do during my day off. I've literally just sat around. I played with Kalisto some, and ate cereal and watched the new GTTV. I guess I don't tend to really do anything fun till the early evening. I've always been like that, and I don't know why. I'm just so bad at doing things.
Everyone is talking about the Star Wars Blu-ray since it's coming out this month, or maybe it's already out. I was really excited about it when I was dating Alex, mainly because I was excited to watch it with her. But now, I don't really care about it. I mean it's just Star Wars I guess. Everything's more fun and interesting when you're doing it with a loved one.
That's probably why I do stuff in the evening, because I can hang out with my brothers and it's more fun that way. I guess I don't really enjoy anything on my own.
I don't know what I feel lately. I feel a little lost. I'm not exactly depressed, or happy. I think I feel a lot of things lately, but they're very dulled out and feel intertwined. That's probably why I feel lost. I have no idea what I want, or what I really want to do. And when there's something I know I want, when I'm close to having it or I do get it, I'm just like....whatever.
Typical human behavior if you ask me. We want what we don't have, and don't want what we do have. It feels primitive. You'd think after however long we've existed, we'd learn to appreciate shit more, and evolve as a species. We're still fighting wars over religion as if the Crusades never ended, so no, I don't expect people as a race to ever really become a better thing. I guess thinking like that plays a part in what makes me strive to be a better individual. Which is extremely hard.
I honestly don't know where that whole paragraph came from. I usually write about "ALEX HURT MY FEELINGS" or "NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME." I guess ranting about real issues and not my lame ass insecurities is a better thing to do.
Everyone is talking about the Star Wars Blu-ray since it's coming out this month, or maybe it's already out. I was really excited about it when I was dating Alex, mainly because I was excited to watch it with her. But now, I don't really care about it. I mean it's just Star Wars I guess. Everything's more fun and interesting when you're doing it with a loved one.
That's probably why I do stuff in the evening, because I can hang out with my brothers and it's more fun that way. I guess I don't really enjoy anything on my own.
I don't know what I feel lately. I feel a little lost. I'm not exactly depressed, or happy. I think I feel a lot of things lately, but they're very dulled out and feel intertwined. That's probably why I feel lost. I have no idea what I want, or what I really want to do. And when there's something I know I want, when I'm close to having it or I do get it, I'm just like....whatever.
Typical human behavior if you ask me. We want what we don't have, and don't want what we do have. It feels primitive. You'd think after however long we've existed, we'd learn to appreciate shit more, and evolve as a species. We're still fighting wars over religion as if the Crusades never ended, so no, I don't expect people as a race to ever really become a better thing. I guess thinking like that plays a part in what makes me strive to be a better individual. Which is extremely hard.
I honestly don't know where that whole paragraph came from. I usually write about "ALEX HURT MY FEELINGS" or "NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME." I guess ranting about real issues and not my lame ass insecurities is a better thing to do.
I'm nice.
Today was pretty nice. Work was fun. Alex, mom, and Lennon went to the mall and they came and saw me. They ended up running into me while I was just starting my lunch. Mom wanted to shop, and they were basically waiting till I got off so we could go out and eat. It was just kind of funny to walk out into the main part of Sears, and see Alex dancing and Lennon waving.
We ate at Golden Choral which was sweet. I got steak, mac and cheese, fried chicken, pizza. It was pretty sweet. I was making walrus noises, and mom kept laughing till tears came to her eyes. She was trying to tell me to stop, but she couldn't It was a good time.
At my job, if you're closing, then you can't just clock out and leave. We have to stay a little later in case there are any last minute customers. While waiting for permission to leave, all of us, and the LP (Loss and Prevention) on duty were bullshitting. I've been getting a lot better at it, and not getting sad when I'm "picked on."
The LP likes to mess with everyone, and he was getting on me this time. He kept going on about how he's "all that," and he eventually said "God broke the mold when he made me," and I came back super quickly with "Yeah, he broke something." He had the biggest T_______T face ever, and everyone busted out laughing so hard. I smiled really big, and basked in my great comeback. It was awesome, because I'm becoming one of the guys.
Tonight, I finally played Final Fantasy XIII some more with Lennon. It reminded me how much I love that game, so I'll definitely be playing it a lot on my days off tomorrow and Tuesday. Today was good.
We ate at Golden Choral which was sweet. I got steak, mac and cheese, fried chicken, pizza. It was pretty sweet. I was making walrus noises, and mom kept laughing till tears came to her eyes. She was trying to tell me to stop, but she couldn't It was a good time.
At my job, if you're closing, then you can't just clock out and leave. We have to stay a little later in case there are any last minute customers. While waiting for permission to leave, all of us, and the LP (Loss and Prevention) on duty were bullshitting. I've been getting a lot better at it, and not getting sad when I'm "picked on."
The LP likes to mess with everyone, and he was getting on me this time. He kept going on about how he's "all that," and he eventually said "God broke the mold when he made me," and I came back super quickly with "Yeah, he broke something." He had the biggest T_______T face ever, and everyone busted out laughing so hard. I smiled really big, and basked in my great comeback. It was awesome, because I'm becoming one of the guys.
Tonight, I finally played Final Fantasy XIII some more with Lennon. It reminded me how much I love that game, so I'll definitely be playing it a lot on my days off tomorrow and Tuesday. Today was good.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Real sadness.
Kalisto was digging her claws into my chair (like cats do), and one of her nails got stuck. Her pupils were really big, and she started freaking out a little because she couldn't get free. I helped her get free, and now she's laying next to me. Forget everything else that makes me depressed. Seeing her that scared made me extremely sad.
I just got done downloading Photoshop onto my new computer, so I'll have something to do on Monday and Tuesday since I'm off on those days. Hopefully, that'll keep me from freaking out over being alone for two days.
I just got done downloading Photoshop onto my new computer, so I'll have something to do on Monday and Tuesday since I'm off on those days. Hopefully, that'll keep me from freaking out over being alone for two days.
Anticipation.
After work, I sat in my car in the parking lot for a while. I really did not want to go home. I eventually went through the drive through at McDonald's, and ate in the parking lot there. It took me a little over an hour to go home after getting off of work. Just sitting here makes me so depressed. I'm left here alone with my thoughts.
When I'm sitting in my car doing nothing, I'm so calm. My thoughts are there, but it doesn't feel as dreadful. I thought about how when I'm depressed, I used to try thinking about the fact that everyone feels this way. Everyone goes through life depressed, and it's not just me. But thinking about it that way just makes me feel sad. If everyone feels this way, why aren't we more eager to be nicer to people or give out a hand? It's sad that everyone can be depressed, and still not care about anything but themselves.
I also thought about how when I was trying to meet someone why was it so hard? But then I thought that maybe that was normal. When Emily and I started dating, it was so easy for us. We already knew each other for about a year, before we started seeing each other and before I asked her out. We saw each other all the time at school and even shared a locker, and we hung out at each others houses five days a week. Our relationship was extremely easy, and that's why it flourished.
With Alex, I can't even remember how we kept talking to each other, because we fought so much early on before changing ourselves for each other. We didn't know each other at all. I wish I knew why and how we ended up together, because it doesn't work with anyone else.
It feels like something's going to happen pretty soon. This whole week has been depressing, and I just have a feeling next week, something is going to happen. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. Maybe it's the fact that I got on Skype for the first time in a long time, and Ryn was on there and we had the briefest conversation in the world. I hope something nice will happen next week, because I don't like how everything has been lately.
When I'm sitting in my car doing nothing, I'm so calm. My thoughts are there, but it doesn't feel as dreadful. I thought about how when I'm depressed, I used to try thinking about the fact that everyone feels this way. Everyone goes through life depressed, and it's not just me. But thinking about it that way just makes me feel sad. If everyone feels this way, why aren't we more eager to be nicer to people or give out a hand? It's sad that everyone can be depressed, and still not care about anything but themselves.
I also thought about how when I was trying to meet someone why was it so hard? But then I thought that maybe that was normal. When Emily and I started dating, it was so easy for us. We already knew each other for about a year, before we started seeing each other and before I asked her out. We saw each other all the time at school and even shared a locker, and we hung out at each others houses five days a week. Our relationship was extremely easy, and that's why it flourished.
With Alex, I can't even remember how we kept talking to each other, because we fought so much early on before changing ourselves for each other. We didn't know each other at all. I wish I knew why and how we ended up together, because it doesn't work with anyone else.
It feels like something's going to happen pretty soon. This whole week has been depressing, and I just have a feeling next week, something is going to happen. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. Maybe it's the fact that I got on Skype for the first time in a long time, and Ryn was on there and we had the briefest conversation in the world. I hope something nice will happen next week, because I don't like how everything has been lately.
Trying really hard to enjoy life.
Tonight has be considerably better than last night. I guess, because I talked to people online rather than sat around till I became depressed and talked to people. I don't know what to do. I really want to learn to be okay on my own, but it's so boring and depressing. I really just need to make irl friends, but I don't know where to go to meet people.
It doesn't help at all that I'm talking to another girl. Sigh. I really shouldn't, but she seems to like me and she's cool. But I'm already at the stage where I get fucked up and freak out when I don't hear from her. It's because she can't text, and she's never online. We talk on the phone. We talked earlier, and she said she'd call me back...but that never happened. It really sucks so much. I don't want to feel like this, but I don't want to be completely alone.
I do really enjoy having friends at work. It's honestly the highlight of my day. Working is stressful, tiring, but it's fun to be with friends. Today was really good. I laughed a lot, and it was nice.
Alex has not said anything to me. Her Tumblr had a post about "You're dead to me." I have no idea if it's directed to me, or it's just another of her "yeah, I'm hxc" post. I honestly feel like it's directed to me. I don't think about it too much, though. I don't think about her, either. This really is it between us. I'm moving on, and she has her shitty "boyfriend." The sad thing is I'll probably still have to work to get over her. I mean I still think of Emily, so....that sucks.
Life is boring, and not the good, simplified boring I'd like. Some days, my day is boring but it's nice and I enjoy being quiet and keeping to myself. But lately, I'm starving for connection. I'm sure this phase will burn out within the week like everything else does.
I bought Darksiders on Steam for $5. That was cool, because I was thinking I wanted to play it again before the second game comes out. Ugh. So many games on my plate right now, and I honestly have no idea what to do. I'm a little sad to have my computer, because I was enjoying Final Fantasy XIII so much, and now I just can't feel fucked to play it.
It doesn't help at all that I'm talking to another girl. Sigh. I really shouldn't, but she seems to like me and she's cool. But I'm already at the stage where I get fucked up and freak out when I don't hear from her. It's because she can't text, and she's never online. We talk on the phone. We talked earlier, and she said she'd call me back...but that never happened. It really sucks so much. I don't want to feel like this, but I don't want to be completely alone.
I do really enjoy having friends at work. It's honestly the highlight of my day. Working is stressful, tiring, but it's fun to be with friends. Today was really good. I laughed a lot, and it was nice.
Alex has not said anything to me. Her Tumblr had a post about "You're dead to me." I have no idea if it's directed to me, or it's just another of her "yeah, I'm hxc" post. I honestly feel like it's directed to me. I don't think about it too much, though. I don't think about her, either. This really is it between us. I'm moving on, and she has her shitty "boyfriend." The sad thing is I'll probably still have to work to get over her. I mean I still think of Emily, so....that sucks.
Life is boring, and not the good, simplified boring I'd like. Some days, my day is boring but it's nice and I enjoy being quiet and keeping to myself. But lately, I'm starving for connection. I'm sure this phase will burn out within the week like everything else does.
I bought Darksiders on Steam for $5. That was cool, because I was thinking I wanted to play it again before the second game comes out. Ugh. So many games on my plate right now, and I honestly have no idea what to do. I'm a little sad to have my computer, because I was enjoying Final Fantasy XIII so much, and now I just can't feel fucked to play it.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
This is me saying goodbye to you.
I ain't going to the town, I'm going to the city. I'm gonna throw shit around, and feel like I'm part of a happy and sweet family. I'm going for its heart...again.
Don't leave. That's what they'll tell you when you try to do something you can't see. You can't make it with me, even when you're only here in my mind. I've been building up steam, and someone needs to leave before I go on strike.
It's a cold truth that heaven's not taking your life. You're coming with me through all hell and strife. I can take you places, like maybe the beach. I've come to know you, and I know your pleasure is set on sticking a mans cam inside you. There's no way we can look the other way.
I speak of myself, and I speak about land. I'm a pagan on trial taking the span of a weightless and exhausted road. If you want to ride me, you're going to have to put on a good show.
We're a charge that can't be pushed with our hands. It's a guilty game, and the losing of a friend. You're moving on, and you're not acting right. Was our love of ever really real, or was it just a passing of the night?
You just assume that I'm wild, throwing a tantrum, just waiting for you to put me in time out. If time was ever turning around, you may be able to keep your eyes on the only one. I've kept my control telling you things, and that's how it should be done.
It's easy to see that love birds change with the day, and if you want to make love as a lovely thing, it's going to have to turn you around. It's a rats bowl looking to be filled for the night. Look at me and my face. Look at me and my life.
I am like a broken watch, and I make money like a fair. Butt, don't you try to find me.
Don't leave. That's what they'll tell you when you try to do something you can't see. You can't make it with me, even when you're only here in my mind. I've been building up steam, and someone needs to leave before I go on strike.
It's a cold truth that heaven's not taking your life. You're coming with me through all hell and strife. I can take you places, like maybe the beach. I've come to know you, and I know your pleasure is set on sticking a mans cam inside you. There's no way we can look the other way.
I speak of myself, and I speak about land. I'm a pagan on trial taking the span of a weightless and exhausted road. If you want to ride me, you're going to have to put on a good show.
We're a charge that can't be pushed with our hands. It's a guilty game, and the losing of a friend. You're moving on, and you're not acting right. Was our love of ever really real, or was it just a passing of the night?
You just assume that I'm wild, throwing a tantrum, just waiting for you to put me in time out. If time was ever turning around, you may be able to keep your eyes on the only one. I've kept my control telling you things, and that's how it should be done.
It's easy to see that love birds change with the day, and if you want to make love as a lovely thing, it's going to have to turn you around. It's a rats bowl looking to be filled for the night. Look at me and my face. Look at me and my life.
I am like a broken watch, and I make money like a fair. Butt, don't you try to find me.
I don't mind.
I have determined that having no one to talk to at all is really boring. I don't know what I'm going to do really. I don't really have a choice. I'll just have to stick it out, and get used to it.
I played Deus Ex, had dinner, and....here I am. I guess the real problem is that I didn't have to work late today. I got off at four, and I don't really know what to do at home. I guess I have a new appreciation for having to work late most days now.
I heard that you missed my speech, and as good as it was, I don't mind not seeing you in the crowd. I've got my ear device, so now no one is safe from our careless jungle of a mouth.
In the quivering forest, where the kids are golden, I was awarded the father being worthy of its lake. When the river was broken and the neighborhood was snowed in, I could gather our lives even if it was you to mind. Is this where we're going? In our ruins day?
If only we caught our show in the morning time, everyone and mine's child would know. You're not worthy. You're no one and you're careless, but I'm sure it'll be fine. I love you, but you're no lover of mine.
My boat that couldn't be sunk, in my new river that's been fixed, has never moved so fast. Never mind all of our mild lights, because an old dogs bone is not worth a new fight.
I played Deus Ex, had dinner, and....here I am. I guess the real problem is that I didn't have to work late today. I got off at four, and I don't really know what to do at home. I guess I have a new appreciation for having to work late most days now.
I heard that you missed my speech, and as good as it was, I don't mind not seeing you in the crowd. I've got my ear device, so now no one is safe from our careless jungle of a mouth.
In the quivering forest, where the kids are golden, I was awarded the father being worthy of its lake. When the river was broken and the neighborhood was snowed in, I could gather our lives even if it was you to mind. Is this where we're going? In our ruins day?
If only we caught our show in the morning time, everyone and mine's child would know. You're not worthy. You're no one and you're careless, but I'm sure it'll be fine. I love you, but you're no lover of mine.
My boat that couldn't be sunk, in my new river that's been fixed, has never moved so fast. Never mind all of our mild lights, because an old dogs bone is not worth a new fight.
Feels different.
Having no online drama bringing me down is a very freeing feeling. I didn't expect it to be this easy. I guess I am in a calmer mood today, so that's probably all it really is. Or having no crappy people in my life calms me. I don't really know.
A lady called at Sears, and took her anger out on me and she was really yelling. It was actually kind of funny thinking about how angry this person is and over what? Nothing. We all had a good laugh about it afterwards. She eventually called back, and talked to the manager and gave him all of our names. Before, she basically asked all of our names before talking to us. It's like she knew she was going to try and get us in trouble. The manager asked about it once, and never really said anything. I can't really get into trouble, because someone just wants to call to rant.
One of the LP's saw me using unretractable box cutter which we're not allowed to use, but there were no other blades to use. He told me to come with him, and I thought I was about to get written up. Anxiety shot through my whole body so bad. But he was just taking my knife, and giving me a retractable knife. He said he ought to report me, but he gave me a break.
I swear to god the stress from this job is going to give me a heart attack.
Still haven't heard from Alex even though I texted her yesterday. Guess she's done with me. I can't really be surprised. She was never there for me, and showed no real interest unless it was to get me to make her feel better. I don't think she really knows how to be a friend. It seems like she just uses everyone, so whatever. She doesn't want to use me anymore? Good for me.
A lady called at Sears, and took her anger out on me and she was really yelling. It was actually kind of funny thinking about how angry this person is and over what? Nothing. We all had a good laugh about it afterwards. She eventually called back, and talked to the manager and gave him all of our names. Before, she basically asked all of our names before talking to us. It's like she knew she was going to try and get us in trouble. The manager asked about it once, and never really said anything. I can't really get into trouble, because someone just wants to call to rant.
One of the LP's saw me using unretractable box cutter which we're not allowed to use, but there were no other blades to use. He told me to come with him, and I thought I was about to get written up. Anxiety shot through my whole body so bad. But he was just taking my knife, and giving me a retractable knife. He said he ought to report me, but he gave me a break.
I swear to god the stress from this job is going to give me a heart attack.
Still haven't heard from Alex even though I texted her yesterday. Guess she's done with me. I can't really be surprised. She was never there for me, and showed no real interest unless it was to get me to make her feel better. I don't think she really knows how to be a friend. It seems like she just uses everyone, so whatever. She doesn't want to use me anymore? Good for me.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
You'll never care.
Your sense of fear is a liking of cracking some vanilla in someone's heart that's been broken back more than once. If I can't hear, I can at least feel when you move across the carpet; my ground's all set. I am dangerous and I remember; this is all I feel like I'm going to get.
No one's a pretty women, and no one can see the sky. There's no one that's ever showed any care, and neither have I. We're just running around in our own thirst. I turned twenty a couple years ago, and it wasn't my first. Like Jesus said to us, look to my eyes. I can't believe anything from a burning brush, I don't see how anyone believes this guy.
Let's do a photograph essay. When you press the button, don't let the flash bucket up your face. Is that something you would...? No heart from people that you think should. I think they should at least take that first step like my grandparents did.
Charles, do you think I'm good? Is this the kind of thing you're looking for? I hope you're not feeling sad. Lately, I feel on fire and when I lift up the cardboard boxes, there's definitely something burning. Every time I sit and you walk, there's definitely something churning. You can try to use your silver tongue, and I can point to the clouds. If you wanna have fun, all you have to do is do me proud.
No one's a pretty women, and no one can see the sky. There's no one that's ever showed any care, and neither have I. We're just running around in our own thirst. I turned twenty a couple years ago, and it wasn't my first. Like Jesus said to us, look to my eyes. I can't believe anything from a burning brush, I don't see how anyone believes this guy.
Let's do a photograph essay. When you press the button, don't let the flash bucket up your face. Is that something you would...? No heart from people that you think should. I think they should at least take that first step like my grandparents did.
Charles, do you think I'm good? Is this the kind of thing you're looking for? I hope you're not feeling sad. Lately, I feel on fire and when I lift up the cardboard boxes, there's definitely something burning. Every time I sit and you walk, there's definitely something churning. You can try to use your silver tongue, and I can point to the clouds. If you wanna have fun, all you have to do is do me proud.
Goodbye internet life.
Today is real quiet. With no online friends to talk to during the day anymore and being picked on at work all the time, I don't really have much to do or whatever. I guess this really is how it ought to be. I was meant to be alone, and my darkness will take care of me.
I guess I'm not really upset or anything. I guess I'm sad that it's come to this and I couldn't keep any girl in my life or Alex. But at least I'm not being shoved out of anyones life. I'm just walking away with my head down, and accepting how life is and always will be for me.
I can get used to it. I'm so used to being abused by everyone, I'd like to think I can tolerate being alone and unabused. I still have my few irl friends. My brother Alex said that's all I need. I need to get away from all the online stuff, so here I go.
I guess I'm not really upset or anything. I guess I'm sad that it's come to this and I couldn't keep any girl in my life or Alex. But at least I'm not being shoved out of anyones life. I'm just walking away with my head down, and accepting how life is and always will be for me.
I can get used to it. I'm so used to being abused by everyone, I'd like to think I can tolerate being alone and unabused. I still have my few irl friends. My brother Alex said that's all I need. I need to get away from all the online stuff, so here I go.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Expendable.
Day one without Facebook feels weird. Like I said yesterday, the biggest problem is getting out of the habit of checking it. Every time I get on the computer, I automatically go for where the FB bookmark was located and it's not there. I also feel like I really have no reason to sit on the computer anymore. If I wanna post on Twitter, I do it with my iPhone. If I wanna read my webcomics and gaming news sites, I can do that with the apps that were made for them on my iPhone. The only real reason I'd really be on my computer anymore now is to watch something or play a game.
Alex and I probably aren't talking again for a while, so I don't care to look at her Tumblr just like she probably won't care to read my blog. Another reason why I don't need the internet. She probably never cared about me since she has her best friend, Brian, who treats her so great. She couldn't even take one minute to be nice to me after I was the one making her feel better every time Brian made her unhappy. If she considers him her best friend, then I must be totally out of her mind unless she's sad again.
I got rid of all of my online friends, and Alex is the only one left. She keeps treating me like I'm expendable, and it's making me really close to not caring about her "friendship" anymore. Sometimes when I'm writing out my feelings like this, I feel like I hate Alex and want her gone, and I know I come off as that when I get upset while texting her. But really, I get upset because I fucking care. She's the only person I let read this damn blog, and I could just make it private so she can't see it if I wanted. Other people have asked if they could read it, and I flat out said no. I just want her to show some fucking appreciation for what I do for her. I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got my new motherboard in the mail, so having my gaming computer will be a nice distraction for the next....however long I have to feel like shit because of someone else. Which may be another day or two.
It is dumb that I'm finally getting my computer back, though. All I wanted was to play Deus Ex, but I ended up buying Final Fantasy XIII for PS3 last week, and I've fallen in love. Lennon has taken to watching me play it after school. He's 8 and he really ought to be getting into games, right? I've taught him what a cutscene is, and other game stuff. It's been nice just hanging out with my little brother, and actually talking about the story (which he surprisingly keeps up with).
Alex and I probably aren't talking again for a while, so I don't care to look at her Tumblr just like she probably won't care to read my blog. Another reason why I don't need the internet. She probably never cared about me since she has her best friend, Brian, who treats her so great. She couldn't even take one minute to be nice to me after I was the one making her feel better every time Brian made her unhappy. If she considers him her best friend, then I must be totally out of her mind unless she's sad again.
I got rid of all of my online friends, and Alex is the only one left. She keeps treating me like I'm expendable, and it's making me really close to not caring about her "friendship" anymore. Sometimes when I'm writing out my feelings like this, I feel like I hate Alex and want her gone, and I know I come off as that when I get upset while texting her. But really, I get upset because I fucking care. She's the only person I let read this damn blog, and I could just make it private so she can't see it if I wanted. Other people have asked if they could read it, and I flat out said no. I just want her to show some fucking appreciation for what I do for her. I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got my new motherboard in the mail, so having my gaming computer will be a nice distraction for the next....however long I have to feel like shit because of someone else. Which may be another day or two.
It is dumb that I'm finally getting my computer back, though. All I wanted was to play Deus Ex, but I ended up buying Final Fantasy XIII for PS3 last week, and I've fallen in love. Lennon has taken to watching me play it after school. He's 8 and he really ought to be getting into games, right? I've taught him what a cutscene is, and other game stuff. It's been nice just hanging out with my little brother, and actually talking about the story (which he surprisingly keeps up with).
Monday, September 12, 2011
Today was another off day. I ultimately don't care about Kara, but it doesn't mean the pain of dealing with the bullshit isn't there. I guess it doesn't help that no one cared about it happening to me, or wanted to talk.
Shoe kept feeding me his usual "be respectful of her decision, and don't worry about it" bullshit. To me, that means he doesn't care how I feel, but rather how I act? It's stupid. Alex helped a little. But she's barely talked to me today. All her texts are short like she rather not talk. I guess with Brian on board for their relationship, she doesn't have time for me anymore or doesn't really care anymore.
I just deleted my Facebook. I don't really feel anything about it. The only real problem is fighting the habit of checking it.
I hate feeling so alone, and uncared about.
It doesn't help when you get blocked and ignored by a girl who "likes you a lot," and then get ignored by a friend who can't just pretend to care for one day. Fuck my life.
Shoe kept feeding me his usual "be respectful of her decision, and don't worry about it" bullshit. To me, that means he doesn't care how I feel, but rather how I act? It's stupid. Alex helped a little. But she's barely talked to me today. All her texts are short like she rather not talk. I guess with Brian on board for their relationship, she doesn't have time for me anymore or doesn't really care anymore.
I just deleted my Facebook. I don't really feel anything about it. The only real problem is fighting the habit of checking it.
I hate feeling so alone, and uncared about.
It doesn't help when you get blocked and ignored by a girl who "likes you a lot," and then get ignored by a friend who can't just pretend to care for one day. Fuck my life.
No trust.
Today, I woke up to seeing Kara was in a relationship with someone on Facebook. When I went to ask her about it, she had unfriended me. When I went to ask about that, she had blocked me. She still hasn't, and probably won't ever text me back. And if she does, I'll probably be happy, so that I can treat her like shit.
Alex talked to me about it a little. I also asked about making a Tumblr, becuase I wanted a way of sharing things with each other like on Facebook, but she kept giving me reasons why I may not like it or whatever else. I took it that she just didn't want me on there, so I said I wouldn't make one. When I really needed a friend to talk to, she stopped talking to me, though.
So here I am. I'm alone. Again.....and again.
I'm deleting my Facebook by the end of the day. I posted a status letting everyone know about it, and I was surprised by how many people cared. But they were all people I still see in person, text, and have other ways of talking to me. I feel like getting rid of everything, though, but that's just because I'm upset and hurt.
The ounce of wanting to find a girlfriend that was left in me is gone now. I don't think I'll be able to trust anyone for a long time. If I wasn't already fucked up enough and had a hard enough time trying to meet people, now I won't be able to trust anyone.
Kara had promised she wasn't going to hurt me anymore and that she really really wanted a relationship with me. Obviously, she straight lied to me and I guess her intention in talking to me again was malicious.
I didn't have to work today, and I was planning on having a really nice day. I was going to watch the True Blood finale, play Final Fantasy XIII, and chill. Now I don't want to do anything.
Alex talked to me about it a little. I also asked about making a Tumblr, becuase I wanted a way of sharing things with each other like on Facebook, but she kept giving me reasons why I may not like it or whatever else. I took it that she just didn't want me on there, so I said I wouldn't make one. When I really needed a friend to talk to, she stopped talking to me, though.
So here I am. I'm alone. Again.....and again.
I'm deleting my Facebook by the end of the day. I posted a status letting everyone know about it, and I was surprised by how many people cared. But they were all people I still see in person, text, and have other ways of talking to me. I feel like getting rid of everything, though, but that's just because I'm upset and hurt.
The ounce of wanting to find a girlfriend that was left in me is gone now. I don't think I'll be able to trust anyone for a long time. If I wasn't already fucked up enough and had a hard enough time trying to meet people, now I won't be able to trust anyone.
Kara had promised she wasn't going to hurt me anymore and that she really really wanted a relationship with me. Obviously, she straight lied to me and I guess her intention in talking to me again was malicious.
I didn't have to work today, and I was planning on having a really nice day. I was going to watch the True Blood finale, play Final Fantasy XIII, and chill. Now I don't want to do anything.
Half dead again.
I'm having a horrible night. I want to go to bed, but I'm actually terrified of what will happen. All I can do is sit here, keep writing stupid shit on Facebook, and listen to this song on repeat. I feel like my body is slowly falling into a sleep position.
Alex deleted her Facebook. I freaked out so bad. My body jolted hard, and my mind said no. It was trying to take me to a far away place, and pretend that it wasn't real. I couldn't do it. I was feverishly trying to get into her profile.
Apparently, she only deleted it. I was already having kind of a bad night, but then that "attack" opened me up to all kinds of shit, and now I'm just.....dying again.
Everything hurts really bad right now. It doesn't help that I haven't eaten anything today. I didn't feel like eating. I was going to eat when I got home a little earlier ago from work, but then depression started slowly creeping into me again, and then I just didn't see a point.
I hate being this way. I wish I could just be happy, and stay that way. I'm so tired of everything.
Alex deleted her Facebook. I freaked out so bad. My body jolted hard, and my mind said no. It was trying to take me to a far away place, and pretend that it wasn't real. I couldn't do it. I was feverishly trying to get into her profile.
Apparently, she only deleted it. I was already having kind of a bad night, but then that "attack" opened me up to all kinds of shit, and now I'm just.....dying again.
Everything hurts really bad right now. It doesn't help that I haven't eaten anything today. I didn't feel like eating. I was going to eat when I got home a little earlier ago from work, but then depression started slowly creeping into me again, and then I just didn't see a point.
I hate being this way. I wish I could just be happy, and stay that way. I'm so tired of everything.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Guess I'm the asshole.
Today, I wouldn't really say I was depressed. Maybe I was lonely, but I mostly felt nothing. I feel like my darkness is really taking over in some way. I never knew I could literally care about nothing. I don't feel suicidal or anything. I just feel....almost nothing. Most of the time anyways.
There are some times where I feel something. A girl asked me out to go to a show. It's all the way in Savannah, though. If it were in Macon, I'd go. I told her I had to see if I was working, but really, I know I'm not. I just need time to figure out if I wanna go. Ultimately, I don't even know if I wanna go in general or care to go. I feel lonely, but I can't muster up the care to go on a date with a girl that asked me out.
I told Alex about it, and I definitely felt something with that. Sometimes, I really wonder what she thinks of me. I mean I guess I must have done something to make her think I'm an asshole. I don't know what I did. I told her about the girl asking me out, and I guess I was wrong to assume she'd be happy for me, because instead she thought I was making a joke about her being rejected. jeez Maybe she was upset, because I didn't care about seeing Matt on FB, or something. Or maybe I really am just an asshole, and I don't know it.
I guess I did have an asshole moment today. A friend at work asked me if a guy gave me the key to the tool box he was returning, and I said no. He got an attitude (in the way that I thought he was joking around like always), and I said no again and that he needs to watch who he's talking to like that (joking around). But then he snapped on me and told me that I don't need to be a smart ass and that I need to stop joking. I uh....am really tired of all the shit I take at work, and I told him "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were being serious about something for once. Why don't you give me your schedule on when I'm allowed to joke with you." He eye balled me for a while, and I just yawned. He walked off. Fucker.
But then he was back to his normal self at the end of the shift, and we were joking some more. So whatever.
When I was living in Atlanta and being alone for so long, I became a very sensitive person. But I think I'm slowly becoming my old self again. I did use to be a pretty big smart ass, and I was an asshole on occasion. But I don't really want to be like that. But I don't wanna be so sensitive either.
I think not caring about anything anymore is my way of learning not to take everything so close to heart. But now I can't even feel excited about a girl asking me out. Sometimes, I feel like my blog is a way to tell Alex things that I don't really want to tell her myself, but I never get the satisfaction of hearing what she thinks because she probably doesn't care either. I only know how to be extremely sensitive, or extremely insensitive.
Why am I so fucked up?
Hey girl on tumblr.com, how about you drop me a line. If you've got an ear to listen, I've got the time. I've been living like a given one, a used plastic cup at a kids birthday party. It's across the field; a dairy product that I'm always sipping on while trying not to use my teeth. I try not to shout, but if you get to me, then it'll be easy to see.
When I was looking out around me, I could see the things I'd offer my hand. I'd give them my very arm. But the hurt was something I could never stand, and I knew that very instance, that they'd do me harm. I've been driven so long from standing on my own into my own pants pouch, and all the things and people I loved, all I want is for it to be blocked out.
All of my friends god made this day for them to rejoice. Sometime, I feel like the way I feel and think to them is a choice. I just found out for sure, the girl I'm in love with is a warehouse full of guys I can't stand. Of all of the woman I know, this was only one that could take a joke, and if I didn't feel the same the next day, I could always count on the fact that my bald headed friend would still be awake.
I'm a ghost.
It hurts now, but I'll feel better when I'm not talking next time.
There are some times where I feel something. A girl asked me out to go to a show. It's all the way in Savannah, though. If it were in Macon, I'd go. I told her I had to see if I was working, but really, I know I'm not. I just need time to figure out if I wanna go. Ultimately, I don't even know if I wanna go in general or care to go. I feel lonely, but I can't muster up the care to go on a date with a girl that asked me out.
I told Alex about it, and I definitely felt something with that. Sometimes, I really wonder what she thinks of me. I mean I guess I must have done something to make her think I'm an asshole. I don't know what I did. I told her about the girl asking me out, and I guess I was wrong to assume she'd be happy for me, because instead she thought I was making a joke about her being rejected. jeez Maybe she was upset, because I didn't care about seeing Matt on FB, or something. Or maybe I really am just an asshole, and I don't know it.
I guess I did have an asshole moment today. A friend at work asked me if a guy gave me the key to the tool box he was returning, and I said no. He got an attitude (in the way that I thought he was joking around like always), and I said no again and that he needs to watch who he's talking to like that (joking around). But then he snapped on me and told me that I don't need to be a smart ass and that I need to stop joking. I uh....am really tired of all the shit I take at work, and I told him "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were being serious about something for once. Why don't you give me your schedule on when I'm allowed to joke with you." He eye balled me for a while, and I just yawned. He walked off. Fucker.
But then he was back to his normal self at the end of the shift, and we were joking some more. So whatever.
When I was living in Atlanta and being alone for so long, I became a very sensitive person. But I think I'm slowly becoming my old self again. I did use to be a pretty big smart ass, and I was an asshole on occasion. But I don't really want to be like that. But I don't wanna be so sensitive either.
I think not caring about anything anymore is my way of learning not to take everything so close to heart. But now I can't even feel excited about a girl asking me out. Sometimes, I feel like my blog is a way to tell Alex things that I don't really want to tell her myself, but I never get the satisfaction of hearing what she thinks because she probably doesn't care either. I only know how to be extremely sensitive, or extremely insensitive.
Why am I so fucked up?
Hey girl on tumblr.com, how about you drop me a line. If you've got an ear to listen, I've got the time. I've been living like a given one, a used plastic cup at a kids birthday party. It's across the field; a dairy product that I'm always sipping on while trying not to use my teeth. I try not to shout, but if you get to me, then it'll be easy to see.
When I was looking out around me, I could see the things I'd offer my hand. I'd give them my very arm. But the hurt was something I could never stand, and I knew that very instance, that they'd do me harm. I've been driven so long from standing on my own into my own pants pouch, and all the things and people I loved, all I want is for it to be blocked out.
All of my friends god made this day for them to rejoice. Sometime, I feel like the way I feel and think to them is a choice. I just found out for sure, the girl I'm in love with is a warehouse full of guys I can't stand. Of all of the woman I know, this was only one that could take a joke, and if I didn't feel the same the next day, I could always count on the fact that my bald headed friend would still be awake.
I'm a ghost.
It hurts now, but I'll feel better when I'm not talking next time.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Bored.
I go to bed every night now begging to fall asleep. I'm going through a phase where my mind likes to wander ridiculously about things that ultimately don't bother me anymore. I go from being used by Emily, to my shitty "relationship" with Kara, to my old relationships with Emily and Alex. It's really no fun. It's like a nightmare, except it's still there even if I open my eyes.
This morning, I felt like looking through my old phone, the one I had before my iPhone. I don't know why I didn't think about this, but I ended up walking to a place that was unsafe for me. Half of all of my pictures were of Alex, and pretty much all the texts were from her, too. I didn't need the reminder.
But then I thought about how it may have been nice to get texts saying "I love you" all the time and cute little texts, but that versus not ever seeing her and being upset all the time due to the frustration of not seeing her? It's not worth the cute texts. I guess I don't mind being alone.
I was supposed to go into work at 5 today, but my supervisor needs me to come in 1 now. So I work 1-9. And then, I had a day off on Monday, but he needs me to come in that day now, too. That sucks.
The one guy I actually have a lot of fun working with, Tim, might be getting fired. We were talking about how busy it'll get during Christmas and how we'll be hiring two new seasonal workers, and he said "Yeah, we'll be getting some new bitches back here!", and our HR lady heard him. Apparently, she thought he was calling her a bitch, and now he might get fired because of it. My supervisor was there and he's best friends with Tim, so I hope he can save his job, because it'll be a lot more boring with Tim.
He started crying, though. Losing a job is tough. I didn't lose my job, but even I was freaking out badly the whole time when I thought I was going to lose it. Everyone was huddled around him, and I kept working. I didn't want to be around that, and I didn't know how to handle it. Ultimately, I thought better him than me. I remember I used to be so caring about everyone, even if they were mean. But wouldn't you know I've been pushed and shoved into finally only caring about myself. That's what this world has done to me.
Ever since my depression struck back the other day, I've just been riding this dull wave of nothingness I guess. When I explained that I didn't care if things were crappy with Kara, Alex said that was good and she's right. It is good. I like not caring about anyone or anything. I'm always lonely, but at least I'm never in any real pain.
This morning, I felt like looking through my old phone, the one I had before my iPhone. I don't know why I didn't think about this, but I ended up walking to a place that was unsafe for me. Half of all of my pictures were of Alex, and pretty much all the texts were from her, too. I didn't need the reminder.
But then I thought about how it may have been nice to get texts saying "I love you" all the time and cute little texts, but that versus not ever seeing her and being upset all the time due to the frustration of not seeing her? It's not worth the cute texts. I guess I don't mind being alone.
I was supposed to go into work at 5 today, but my supervisor needs me to come in 1 now. So I work 1-9. And then, I had a day off on Monday, but he needs me to come in that day now, too. That sucks.
The one guy I actually have a lot of fun working with, Tim, might be getting fired. We were talking about how busy it'll get during Christmas and how we'll be hiring two new seasonal workers, and he said "Yeah, we'll be getting some new bitches back here!", and our HR lady heard him. Apparently, she thought he was calling her a bitch, and now he might get fired because of it. My supervisor was there and he's best friends with Tim, so I hope he can save his job, because it'll be a lot more boring with Tim.
He started crying, though. Losing a job is tough. I didn't lose my job, but even I was freaking out badly the whole time when I thought I was going to lose it. Everyone was huddled around him, and I kept working. I didn't want to be around that, and I didn't know how to handle it. Ultimately, I thought better him than me. I remember I used to be so caring about everyone, even if they were mean. But wouldn't you know I've been pushed and shoved into finally only caring about myself. That's what this world has done to me.
Ever since my depression struck back the other day, I've just been riding this dull wave of nothingness I guess. When I explained that I didn't care if things were crappy with Kara, Alex said that was good and she's right. It is good. I like not caring about anyone or anything. I'm always lonely, but at least I'm never in any real pain.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Nothing's worth fighting for.
I guess my streak of whatever you wanna call it is over. Since this morning, my darkness has been trying to creep back in and I've been trying hard to keep it back. Certain things have happened today, I guess, that helped its cause to curl back inside of me.
I'm depressed. My chest is really killing me. I had to lay down for a little while, and stare off into space to calm down. I feel so angry, and hateful. I just want to hurt everyone.
I've thought about the idea of trying to continue fighting back, but it's so hard once I get back to the idea that no one cares about me. It's really hard to feel like fighting is worth trying, and then, even if I win, it doesn't feel like it's worth it. I just don't see my self worth.
I try to tell myself people care about me and that they need me, and sometimes, I can really convince myself that they really do. But I gotta be honest with myself. There's no one that truly cares about how I feel. There's no one that's ever gonna need "Matt" to come for them.
I just want to curl up, and be alone forever
Well, here I am. I'm older, and no more sane than I ever was. I don't know what I'm shouting about, and how I ever felt her, an answer's searching for me. Oh, man, am I gonna be this way much longer? My endurance gave out to all the good ways of making an entrance.
I've won the advice you preach. Any day, when I think about it, no body else claims what I used to be. Go teach yourself to consume me. Every speech that could drown me, and every song that you can tune to me is a way to feel like the silk I wish you wore on special nights. I have borrowed the sparkle in others eyes a few times. I could go off somewhere in someone else's skin, and remember the way it feels when a calming wind blows my way.
On this morning, all my fingers were rocking. I was holding some diamonds I'd stolen. I used to dream of coming through your window, hoping to get off the frozen ground. I'm going to need a walker if if your trunk can't handle everything I'm dropping off which isn't a lot these days as I tend to fade off sometimes. It could be the weekends, but I'm so excited by the way you talk to me and I can't really wait that long.
I try not to wander, but I feel so compelled to.
I'm depressed. My chest is really killing me. I had to lay down for a little while, and stare off into space to calm down. I feel so angry, and hateful. I just want to hurt everyone.
I've thought about the idea of trying to continue fighting back, but it's so hard once I get back to the idea that no one cares about me. It's really hard to feel like fighting is worth trying, and then, even if I win, it doesn't feel like it's worth it. I just don't see my self worth.
I try to tell myself people care about me and that they need me, and sometimes, I can really convince myself that they really do. But I gotta be honest with myself. There's no one that truly cares about how I feel. There's no one that's ever gonna need "Matt" to come for them.
I just want to curl up, and be alone forever
Well, here I am. I'm older, and no more sane than I ever was. I don't know what I'm shouting about, and how I ever felt her, an answer's searching for me. Oh, man, am I gonna be this way much longer? My endurance gave out to all the good ways of making an entrance.
I've won the advice you preach. Any day, when I think about it, no body else claims what I used to be. Go teach yourself to consume me. Every speech that could drown me, and every song that you can tune to me is a way to feel like the silk I wish you wore on special nights. I have borrowed the sparkle in others eyes a few times. I could go off somewhere in someone else's skin, and remember the way it feels when a calming wind blows my way.
On this morning, all my fingers were rocking. I was holding some diamonds I'd stolen. I used to dream of coming through your window, hoping to get off the frozen ground. I'm going to need a walker if if your trunk can't handle everything I'm dropping off which isn't a lot these days as I tend to fade off sometimes. It could be the weekends, but I'm so excited by the way you talk to me and I can't really wait that long.
I try not to wander, but I feel so compelled to.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Moved on.
I think I've finally gotten to a certain point in life that I've been trying to get to for a while now; ever since I started to initially get over Emily. I'm finally at that point where I don't feel a need or have a desire to try and meet someone. It's not like before where I just wanted solitude, because I hated everyone. I genuinely want to just learn to like myself again. I already have a ton of things that I love, and I just need to embrace them like I've been doing without thinking about "I wish I had a girlfriend to do this with."
The funny thing is is that I almost got to that point before I met Alex. It was easier to do something like this, because I lived in the middle of the city and I could just walk around and enjoy the scenes and doing some people watching. I don't know; just little things like that.
Once I met Alex, I learned pretty hard that I shouldn't be in a relationship yet anyways. That's not to say my love for her wasn't/isn't real, or that I regret dating her. I learned a lot about myself, and I made a really good friend out of the whole thing. In fact, right now, I probably wouldn't be doing as well if I didn't have her to still talk to.
I did have my clingy phase after our break up. I didn't really have a desire to still be with her romantically, but....I don't really know what it was I wanted. I just wanted to know I was still important to her. I've gotten to a point where I realize I am important to her, and I don't need to hear her say it. I don't really have any needs as far as she goes, and I think it's made our relationship a more healthy one.
I still feel a slight sting when she talks about stuff like being Brian's first, but it's not like it was before where I would fall apart from it. Now, it's like a natural aftermath that I can easily move on from, and I don't have to feel awkward talking to Alex and shit like that. I guess I've really gotten to a point, finally, where I can just move on from things.
If things between Kara and I don't work, I won't really care. I like that. I like her, too, but I don't depend on her to make me happy like I did with all the other girls. That was my problem. I depended on everyone to make me happy. When Alex and I got into that big fight, and Ryn left me, I figured out that I could be pretty happy and enjoy life on my own. So, I never want to depend on anyone else again. In fact, I feel kind of sick at the thought of ever depending on someone.
But does that come with some bad stuff, too? I feel like it does. I feel like I'll never really care as deeply as I could. But honestly, I just haven't met the right person I guess. I still think Alex was very right for me, and having a fiery desire to get her to like all the things I like only stemmed from having a long distance relationship. In person, I wouldn't have cared. But that's just something, I think we both agree on, which is we were fucked by living too far apart. I should consider myself very lucky to have her in my life as a friend.
But what about when I'm like....27, 28.....30? Are we really going to keep an online relationship with each other? It scares me to think about. I honestly like to romantically think we'll end up together in person, but only because I don't want to think about the very real idea that our friendship has a timer.
We'll get to that when it happens. Right now, I just....I'm doing good in a way. I still have some nights where I feel extremely lonely, but it doesn't happen too often at least.
The funny thing is is that I almost got to that point before I met Alex. It was easier to do something like this, because I lived in the middle of the city and I could just walk around and enjoy the scenes and doing some people watching. I don't know; just little things like that.
Once I met Alex, I learned pretty hard that I shouldn't be in a relationship yet anyways. That's not to say my love for her wasn't/isn't real, or that I regret dating her. I learned a lot about myself, and I made a really good friend out of the whole thing. In fact, right now, I probably wouldn't be doing as well if I didn't have her to still talk to.
I did have my clingy phase after our break up. I didn't really have a desire to still be with her romantically, but....I don't really know what it was I wanted. I just wanted to know I was still important to her. I've gotten to a point where I realize I am important to her, and I don't need to hear her say it. I don't really have any needs as far as she goes, and I think it's made our relationship a more healthy one.
I still feel a slight sting when she talks about stuff like being Brian's first, but it's not like it was before where I would fall apart from it. Now, it's like a natural aftermath that I can easily move on from, and I don't have to feel awkward talking to Alex and shit like that. I guess I've really gotten to a point, finally, where I can just move on from things.
If things between Kara and I don't work, I won't really care. I like that. I like her, too, but I don't depend on her to make me happy like I did with all the other girls. That was my problem. I depended on everyone to make me happy. When Alex and I got into that big fight, and Ryn left me, I figured out that I could be pretty happy and enjoy life on my own. So, I never want to depend on anyone else again. In fact, I feel kind of sick at the thought of ever depending on someone.
But does that come with some bad stuff, too? I feel like it does. I feel like I'll never really care as deeply as I could. But honestly, I just haven't met the right person I guess. I still think Alex was very right for me, and having a fiery desire to get her to like all the things I like only stemmed from having a long distance relationship. In person, I wouldn't have cared. But that's just something, I think we both agree on, which is we were fucked by living too far apart. I should consider myself very lucky to have her in my life as a friend.
But what about when I'm like....27, 28.....30? Are we really going to keep an online relationship with each other? It scares me to think about. I honestly like to romantically think we'll end up together in person, but only because I don't want to think about the very real idea that our friendship has a timer.
We'll get to that when it happens. Right now, I just....I'm doing good in a way. I still have some nights where I feel extremely lonely, but it doesn't happen too often at least.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Something good out of writing.
Today was the day that Kara told me she was going to talk to me, and prove that she really wants to be with me. Except we didn't really talk much today. It would take her hours at time to respond to me, and I got to spend that time freaking out about it. I hate to leave my lonely but comfortable life for this pain I spent the last two months running away from.
I'm not a very good or smart person. I'm not very strong, either. I'm too hopeful and naive for my own good, and that's why it's so easy for me to run back to her to see if we could have something real. I'm not a very surprising person, though, because love is all I ever really want.
We did talk more later tonight when she wasn't busy anymore, but it felt so different. Leaving me like that may have really fucked us up. I decided to try and do the impossible (again), and keep my insecurities to myself and try to keep riding this wave. My paranoia and pessimism are usually what really ruins everything, and I, somehow, honestly believe this girl wants me.
Alex and I talked about it a little, but it wasn't really about anything I didn't already know myself. We had a kind of reminiscing thing going on about our old relationship, and how we drew the short straw in life.
We also talked about Brian. After the whole ordeal with us before, I am very surprised to find myself in this situation.
To be honest, this blog has helped me start to realize how temporary everything really is, and it helps me realize there's no point in really holding grudges and staying upset.
The truth is that, despite our fights, Alex is basically still my best friend and I'm there for her. I think the fight from before is just something that needed to happen. It pushed me to snap out of my romantic view and want of us. I kind of feel like she's my best friend, and I don't really care if that's what I am or not to her. I don't need to fight for her affection, and I've come to terms with the fact that she does have some affection for me hidden away. So it's just....like being regular friends.
She's angry at Brian, though. I'm glad it's not me getting my ass chewed up by her, because I still have vivid memories of what it's like to be on the side of that table.
Two weeks ago was that shitty "fight" between me and Alex. Last week was about feeling nothing, and this week is about trying to ride the wave carefree. This blog has helped me to see that every week has a different theme. I'm glad I started and kept up with this blog.
I'm not a very good or smart person. I'm not very strong, either. I'm too hopeful and naive for my own good, and that's why it's so easy for me to run back to her to see if we could have something real. I'm not a very surprising person, though, because love is all I ever really want.
We did talk more later tonight when she wasn't busy anymore, but it felt so different. Leaving me like that may have really fucked us up. I decided to try and do the impossible (again), and keep my insecurities to myself and try to keep riding this wave. My paranoia and pessimism are usually what really ruins everything, and I, somehow, honestly believe this girl wants me.
Alex and I talked about it a little, but it wasn't really about anything I didn't already know myself. We had a kind of reminiscing thing going on about our old relationship, and how we drew the short straw in life.
We also talked about Brian. After the whole ordeal with us before, I am very surprised to find myself in this situation.
To be honest, this blog has helped me start to realize how temporary everything really is, and it helps me realize there's no point in really holding grudges and staying upset.
The truth is that, despite our fights, Alex is basically still my best friend and I'm there for her. I think the fight from before is just something that needed to happen. It pushed me to snap out of my romantic view and want of us. I kind of feel like she's my best friend, and I don't really care if that's what I am or not to her. I don't need to fight for her affection, and I've come to terms with the fact that she does have some affection for me hidden away. So it's just....like being regular friends.
She's angry at Brian, though. I'm glad it's not me getting my ass chewed up by her, because I still have vivid memories of what it's like to be on the side of that table.
Two weeks ago was that shitty "fight" between me and Alex. Last week was about feeling nothing, and this week is about trying to ride the wave carefree. This blog has helped me to see that every week has a different theme. I'm glad I started and kept up with this blog.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
At a crossroads.
I was having a really nice Saturday. Alex, my brother, and I cleaned the house while mom was at a Braves game with Lennon. We were cutting up and laughing a lot, and it was a lot of fun. Afterwards, we decided to go to Popeye's and got a huge load of chicken and biscuits. I had some fresh sweet tea made yesterday, and I put in Shaun of the Dead. It was definitely the best reward I could ask for after cleaning all day.
I've gotten to a point where I'm comfortable with my relationship how it is now with Alex. I'm not feeling clingy about her anymore. But I still did think having her there as a friend would've been fun. I know she's all about some good food and Shaun of the Dead.
So, it was a nice Saturday. But then I got a text from Kara. I uh....I still feel lost about this three hours later. Kara was so nice and so sweet. She was the only person I'd met, while trying to meet a bunch of girls, that I really connected to. We both connected to each other, and had high hopes for the future with each. She wasn't a distraction like everyone else I met.
When she found out I wasn't a Christian, she decided we couldn't date. She said we could be friends, but I was completely too crushed to settle for friends and so we stopped talking. Two months later, here she is and she's telling me all kinds of dangerously good things. She spent the whole time working and going to school to take her mind off of me, because I had apparently made a big impact on her. She had to work through her own judgmental beliefs and did so to get to this point which was apologize to me and ask for a second chance.
At first, I was wary. But I just can't help myself. I rather see if something's really going to happen and risk being hurt again, than do nothing and wonder what if. So that's what we're doing. I told her I'd give her a chance, and she's determined to prove herself.
Alex doesn't seem to be completely on board, and for good reason. She doesn't want me to get hurt, and I'm sure she remembers what I was like after Kara "left me."
I've spent the last two months on completely shutting myself off. It was only this week that I finally managed to do so. I can't help but feel that my dark passenger is testing me. It finally helped me shut off, and now it wants to see what I'll do when given something like this. Will I turn away and run back to trying to start a relationship with Kara, or will I be thankful to my darkness for giving me this comfort I've enjoyed all week by not trying to be something I'm not?
I really want to believe that it's my horrible pessimism that's making me feel this way, because I honestly don't know what to do. I guess I'm just going to ride this wave, and see what happens.
I've gotten to a point where I'm comfortable with my relationship how it is now with Alex. I'm not feeling clingy about her anymore. But I still did think having her there as a friend would've been fun. I know she's all about some good food and Shaun of the Dead.
So, it was a nice Saturday. But then I got a text from Kara. I uh....I still feel lost about this three hours later. Kara was so nice and so sweet. She was the only person I'd met, while trying to meet a bunch of girls, that I really connected to. We both connected to each other, and had high hopes for the future with each. She wasn't a distraction like everyone else I met.
When she found out I wasn't a Christian, she decided we couldn't date. She said we could be friends, but I was completely too crushed to settle for friends and so we stopped talking. Two months later, here she is and she's telling me all kinds of dangerously good things. She spent the whole time working and going to school to take her mind off of me, because I had apparently made a big impact on her. She had to work through her own judgmental beliefs and did so to get to this point which was apologize to me and ask for a second chance.
At first, I was wary. But I just can't help myself. I rather see if something's really going to happen and risk being hurt again, than do nothing and wonder what if. So that's what we're doing. I told her I'd give her a chance, and she's determined to prove herself.
Alex doesn't seem to be completely on board, and for good reason. She doesn't want me to get hurt, and I'm sure she remembers what I was like after Kara "left me."
I've spent the last two months on completely shutting myself off. It was only this week that I finally managed to do so. I can't help but feel that my dark passenger is testing me. It finally helped me shut off, and now it wants to see what I'll do when given something like this. Will I turn away and run back to trying to start a relationship with Kara, or will I be thankful to my darkness for giving me this comfort I've enjoyed all week by not trying to be something I'm not?
I really want to believe that it's my horrible pessimism that's making me feel this way, because I honestly don't know what to do. I guess I'm just going to ride this wave, and see what happens.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Weird shit.
I think Allison and I have fizzled out. I'm not really feeling her, and I don't really know what she's feeling. I don't really care; it's nice. I tried to stay chill with her just to have someone to hang out with, but I guess with my extreme nature, it's either love or nothing. Plus, if I really feel like hanging out with someone, I have Ashley and Chris.
I just don't think I'm very good at making friends with people. It's kind of weird. I've just lost my need to connect to anyone really I guess. Unless I'm already connected to a person, I guess there's really no getting to know anyone for now.
I'm thankful to be this way, though. If I weren't, I'd be sitting here really depressed, but I'm just like....like I don't even feel like "whatever." I feel nothing. It kinda makes me laugh.
Work's been going well. I haven't gotten in any trouble since they gave me that scare about losing my job, and I've been stepping it up lately. My back's sore, so that's something. I've been finding out, through my co-workers, about some weird ass shit about my manager. He was on Dr. Phil which is its own weirdness, but he seems to have a history of harassing his workers. Two guys quit (at separate times), because they kept being harassed about losing their jobs. A guy, Tim, told me just show Robert, the manager, that I'm a man and he won't bother me anymore (if he starts bothering me again).
It just seems really dumb for a manager to have an actual history of harassing his workers till they leave. I mean like....this is a real thing?
I can't figure out if it's this month or next month that I start paying off my student loans, but it's definitely coming. With this and my job (real world problems), the last thing I need is to be trying to hook up anyways. I just need to figure all this stuff out, get comfortable with, and then I can worry about a girl later. Life just feels kind of....normal...for once.
Game List:
Deus Ex: Human Revolution $50
Rage $60
Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception $60
Torchlight II $20
Jurassic Park: The Game $20
Battlefield 3 $60
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 $60
$330+tax
I'm about to be spending a shit ton of money this year.
I just don't think I'm very good at making friends with people. It's kind of weird. I've just lost my need to connect to anyone really I guess. Unless I'm already connected to a person, I guess there's really no getting to know anyone for now.
I'm thankful to be this way, though. If I weren't, I'd be sitting here really depressed, but I'm just like....like I don't even feel like "whatever." I feel nothing. It kinda makes me laugh.
Work's been going well. I haven't gotten in any trouble since they gave me that scare about losing my job, and I've been stepping it up lately. My back's sore, so that's something. I've been finding out, through my co-workers, about some weird ass shit about my manager. He was on Dr. Phil which is its own weirdness, but he seems to have a history of harassing his workers. Two guys quit (at separate times), because they kept being harassed about losing their jobs. A guy, Tim, told me just show Robert, the manager, that I'm a man and he won't bother me anymore (if he starts bothering me again).
It just seems really dumb for a manager to have an actual history of harassing his workers till they leave. I mean like....this is a real thing?
I can't figure out if it's this month or next month that I start paying off my student loans, but it's definitely coming. With this and my job (real world problems), the last thing I need is to be trying to hook up anyways. I just need to figure all this stuff out, get comfortable with, and then I can worry about a girl later. Life just feels kind of....normal...for once.
Game List:
Deus Ex: Human Revolution $50
Rage $60
Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception $60
Torchlight II $20
Jurassic Park: The Game $20
Battlefield 3 $60
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 $60
$330+tax
I'm about to be spending a shit ton of money this year.
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