I've disappointed my mom by having no will to further my career, and being constantly ungrateful. I've hurt my brothers by being insensitive. I cheated on my ex's by being emotionally unavailable, and shrugged off how they felt. I severed my ties with my dad, and have no relationship with my sister. I threw away all of my friends, and ruined an 18 year friendship with Evan.

I have an imaginary female friend based on a mix of Emily, Alex, and what I imagine the perfect girlfriend would be for me. I've been talking to her since I moved to Atlanta as a way to cope with the loneliness. When Emily, broke up with me, my relationship with my imaginary friend became that much more important. She kept me from going completely insane at times. When I met and started dating Alex, she became a cute way to express my complete desire to be with Alex in person. As our relationship began to fall apart, my imaginary friend became more important and really took on a real life of her own. It is now at the point where I would be completely depressed if I forced her out of my life, and it is even hindering my ability to ever be happy with a real person. Just knowing that depresses me, because it says that I've got to start moving on. Just saying that, I can see her looking at me sadfully as if to say "I have to go?" And it almost brings tears to my eyes.

I told her she doesn't have to go anywhere.

I saw a thread on the 64ums called "Feeling like you want to die." It was a neat thread where everyone talked seriously about feeling like that, and how they deal with it. While, I haven't been signed into the place in half a year, I still remember everyone and enjoyed seeing how they handle it. I liked seeing that I really am not alone in feeling that. It's a completely human thing, and everyone deals it; even people you think are probably never sad.

It made me think about how I've taken the initiative to find my own happiness, and to be okay alone. What I've found out is that the things I do, like enjoying video games, web comics, etc., are all survival mechanisms. They're a way for me to cope with everything.

The problem with that is that it makes me feel like I'm only ever going to be coping with everything when I could really learn to be happier. I've read and heard so many things about people being so much better off on anti-depressants, and it really makes me want to try them one day. I'm sure I will eventually. Maybe I could be happier, because I kind of feel like we're not meant to be happy. We just live, and then we die. I think that I'm more scared of that than actually dying.

Tonight, after work, I drove and I was in a really relaxed and calm mood. That mood that I always wish I was in. I was listening to The Dear Hunter. I really like them, and it sucked because I can't listen to them without thinking about Alex. Luckily, it didn't put a damper on my mood too much, and I was able to stay in a relatively nice frame of mind.

Today at work was pretty good. I laughed a lot, and worked really hard. I got all of my work done, and won't have to finish it tomorrow. That's pretty sweet. I was kind of proud of myself.

I've been in a drawing mood a lot lately. In fact, I'm going to draw after writing this. I've been wanting to do cartoons again. It sucks that I'm not that good at it, but I enjoy doing it.

I started missing Alex a little today. I'm sure it's just a thing for today. I probably will feel better tomorrow. I wanted to look at her Tumblr, and see what's she's been doing. I don't like looking, but I just wanted to get it out of my system. On her FB, she's not friends with Tom anymore. It still says he's liked her pictures, except you can't see his name. So he probably deleted his FB. Why couldn't he do that while I was still on FB?

Anyways, that's really it. Not a lot really goes on; just trying to be content.

What I did today:

1. Watched The Walking Dead, Dexter, Red vs Blue, Mega64nimation.
2. Ate Taco Bell.
3. Saw Paranormal Activity 3 with Ashley and Pete.
4. Went to the midnight release of Battlefield 3 with Chris and Alex.

And now I'm sitting here with Kalisto, listening to MC Frontalot, and installing BF3.

Good day.

Even if we let our washed up feet know that we're always watching, we can climb back into the sea; an underground ship and a baby that can't help but lie. She was alright, but with all the other guys, she blows away. 

I can say hi when I want to, and I can listen when I'm done pretending to care. At the bottom of my well with my volcano of a soul, an independent thought that no one believes, I'd like to try to move from my dusted spot; a mantle in my bedroom. She was nice, but when I tried to speak, she broke away. 

There's a persons grasp that's always trying to hold on to an old feeling. There's an airport runway with a car on it. I'm a great pioneer with no work left to do, and a doorway with no patience.

I'm thinking about how much I've changed. I can see I'm a darker person in different sense than I can be. A real nothingness has taken root inside of me. It's not my darkness or any other kind of darkness, but a real feeling of uncaring for anything or anyone. I'm not like how I'd hate everyone, but I just don't see them. I think my utter desire to feel this way has finally happened.

I got rid of Alex, and I feel that much better without her in my life. A girl at work who claimed she was put in my life to help me see "Jesus' light" (like so many others have said), who used to be someone I liked talking to, has become no one to me in a matter of a day. I don't talk to most of my co-workers, and when I have to, I can feel this coldness in myself like "How dare they feel like they can come to me."

I'm not a very nice person. I'm still nice in the sense that it's not like I'm without my manners or anything.

What's helped me to feel this way is to have a keen remembrance of what it's like to be in a relationship. All there is is drama, and it makes everything complicated. I wouldn't be able to enjoy my lunch at work, because I'd be too busy feeling upset about something.

Another thing I keep in my memory is the way it feels to keep seeing some I loved. I don't bother looking at Alex's FB or Tumblr, because it hurts every time I see her face. There are other things that this example falls under; like any of the cute girls at work. I try not to see them as girls I could myself with, but as having something I wouldn't be able to stand.

I would not be able to stand the company of another person.

This is why it's an easy decision to stop looking for a relationship. Or why it's easy to kick Alex out of my life. The thing about all of this is that I tend to feel very dull from day to day. I don't feel depressed nearly as much, or particularly happy. I do still get excited about my shows and video games. They're the high light of my life, and I've come to really enjoy that. Having something like that that will never let me down like a person can do.

I'd like to be able to find a website where I can post things I write so that others can read it.

Today started very nicely. I was getting along with everyone. I was having fun, the truckload was a bare minimum which meant an easy work day.

But then everyone started picking on me again. It was like a barrage of attacks from everywhere for a good while. Not too long afterwards, my supervisor told me to go home, because he didn't need me anymore. That bummed me out more, because he made it feel personal. I also needed the hours. I was able to at least stay a little more longer.

Even still, it all pushed me down a dark hole today. I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day and kept to myself. It got me thinking of my darkness again. There's nothing really new to say about it. I mean it's the same as always I guess. I get picked on, and feel alone and like no one cares about me.

I saw on Alex's Tumblr she was having a bad day, too. I thought about how I was glad I was able to stop caring about things like that, and learn that it's just her PMDD. It was a horrible waste of my time trying to care, and be there for her. I have to admit, though, that I really enjoy reading about when she's doing bad. It makes me feel good.

I guess I just want her and everyone else to feel shitty. I get off on it like a sick freak. I don't mind it so much.

I wonder how long it'll be before I stop even reading her Tumblr. I still look at Emily's FB. I guess I'll never really stop.

I feel like I had more to say on here, but I can't really remember. I guess those are the only two things going on lately. I work, and stalk Alex's Tumblr. But I'll have my shows on Monday, and then midnight release of Battlefield 3 that night. So, I'll be feeling better soon enough.

Sean's in town. That's pretty sweet. I doubt I'll get to see much of him, though, which sucks. You think I'd be able to seeing as how he's right across the street, but I guess he'll be kind of busy.

I'm finally done with Alex. She texted me yesterday which book comes after The Fall of Reach. I had to tell myself she was just testing me, so I'd feel more inclined not to answer. Although, I didn't really need to do so. I wasn't going to say anything anyways, and I deleted the text kind of quickly. I just gotta move on, and stop trying to keep her in my life.

It's like when Emily and I were obviously done as a couple, and I kept trying to keep us together. I guess when it's meant to end, it's just meant to do so. It kind of sucks to feel like that and not like I have any real control over the situation.

I'm off work today, and tomorrow. I just watched the new Dexter, and I'll watch the new Walking Dead tonight which I'm so excited for. It's nice having all these sweet shows to watch. I'll have the new House tomorrow; Terra Nova, too, but that show seems like it's not going to be so good outside of its premiere which sucks.

I guess I'm going to play some Dragon Age 2.

I talked to Chris about going to PAX next year. It looks like we may go and if he doesn't, then I'll just go by myself. I think I'll enjoy myself more that way anyways. But either way, I told mom I'm going to start saving up, and she said that'd be a good way to see if I'll like Seattle. I can get brochures for apartments and check out the job market.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I really hope it all works out. I want to get out of here, and start somewhere new where I can forget about everything and everyone I know.

To get ready, I'm just going to start figuring out how much I'll need to save up to make the trip. I need a plane ticket, hotel room, food, money to buy stuff, PAX pass. I'm going to ask my HR rep about if it's possible to transfer to another Sears in Seattle or the surrounding area. I definitely won't keep that job as it pays almost nothing. I think it's going to be tough, but I've never wanted something so bad.

I want this more than I wanted to stay with Emily or Alex. Or trying to stay friends with Alex.

I told Alex I'm deleting her phone number (which is done). She didn't even care which furthers my need to be rid of her, and stop pretending she does care. I said bye, and she said "Really?" I'm not going to say anything, because she'll just drag me back into her web and....this sucks. But it needs to be done.

I figure I'll keep this blog public for a little longer, and let her read this before it goes private for good.

Shoe was going to visit today, but ended up being busy. I guess today isn't going to be the nice Saturday I imagined. I guess after having a relatively nice day yesterday, I don't mind this so much. Or at least, I might as well just be glad for yesterday and start getting ready for the incoming wealth of depression that may or may not hit me.

Maybe the nothingness will help me again to feel nothing like it did with Dora and Allison. If not, then that'd be normal. I should be sad to be getting rid of someone I care about. But I'll go to Seattle and it'll be like it never happened.

The new way to tell someone "I miss you" through text messages is "HEY STRANGER." Why give some people a second chance when there are some still waiting for their first one.

I don't care if I get wet, and I don't care if we don't do this today. I don't know if we're friends anymore, and I don't know when I'm going to break apart, but I do know I'm never going to touch you. I can feel a heart attack coming on for this mistake that's caused me to....fuck.

I'm staying in bed, and watching the walls. Everyday, I'm awake and I'm alive, but I stopped trying to live. A fight was better than never seeing you anymore. I don't care if I am dead and I don't know about you, but this isn't ever going to start. Nothing's going to start up my hearts sigh.

Fuck it.

Away from my airplane so I can feel the skin on my tips, and so I can feel like something I pretend is satisfaction. I hope I won't remember you one day.

A woman keeps harassing me about her god. Someone took my faith from the rest of us. I painted my wood brown and blended in, so I can remember what I forgot. I feel like my hair's too bright and my hands are shaking too loud; I can't even finish writing this book that I named after you. 

In the morning light, I may feel better for the five seconds if I concentrate real....real hard, because no morning wood is going to be hard enough to help me expect that I can be helped. 

Work was pretty nice today. Well, work wasn't nice. I was just in a nice mood. I was content. The weather was nice, no one was messing with me. Work did kind of go slow, but eh. Nothing much really happened there I guess.

After work, I stopped by Wal-Mart and picked up Green Lantern and Tron: Legacy on Blu-ray. Of course, I couldn't just be 100% happy about it, and I had to think about "Oh, I wish I could've seen GL with Alex in theaters," because I'm faggot who can't stop being in love with someone who's stopped caring about me a long time ago.

And then she texted me about how she saw Tron for the first time, coincidentally. I was going to say something, but then remembered not to fall back into that. What was going to happen? I'd say "oh, sweet." And then that would be it. I gotta stop falling into the whole "She's talking to me!" thing, because all that happens is I get hurt and I feel extremely stupid.

That's how I feel after trying to talk to anyone. Some girl at work needed my help at work, and we spent like an hour just doing that together. She was trying to talk, but I just stayed silent and she gave up. Yeah, I could have probably tried to be cool with her, but why? I don't want to know anyone, or talk to anyone. Especially when a person has such control over how I feel like Alex.

I feel like I'm ranting.

Anyways, Lennon and I watched Green Lantern, and it was really good. I don't understand why everyone hated it. Yes, I did think about how I wanted to watch it with Alex, but that's never going to happen. Nothing between us will or could happen. I don't like myself. But overall, at least the movie was good enough so that I didn't really think about it.

Tomorrow, I'm off work and I'm going to watch Tron. I'll probably play Dragon Age 2 all day, and forget my worries as well. Mostly, I'll just be chilling, because I've been working really hard all week.

It shows, too. My supervisor, today, said he was proud of me. It really made me feel good. I haven't been praised for something in a long time, and it was so nice. It was like being soothed, and being lost in a wave of warmth. I felt myself literally just forget all my troubles for a few seconds. \

That was the gayest thing I've ever written. In fact, with that and my rant, I should just delete this whole post.

I saw that Emily had a new profile picture of her and her boyfriend. I sat here and just stared at it. I studied the way she looks; she looks the same as I remember her. Except there's some other guy next to her that even looks like me, but isn't me.

It's not fair...I don't know why I do this to myself.

Every time I see her, I get that old feeling where no one cares about me. And then I can't help but actually piece together why and how no one really does care about me. I have a need to to actually sit here, and make myself depressed.

So let's see what I came up with.



Emily: broke up with me after four years, and seemed to have moved on pretty easily.

Evan: stopped being my best friend after eighteen years over a joke I made about his girlfriend of one or so months. He also didn't respond to my message when I tried to talk to him two years later.

Alex: broke up with me. Even after trying hard to stay friends, she lives on easily without me and only cares about creeping on me on my blog.

Mom: called me lazy when I admitted I wished I was dead. Doesn't try to understand me about anything, and continues to judge me.

Dad: cares more about my brother than me even after I went out of my way to visit him a lot, and Alex hadn't stayed in touch for years. When I'd visit, he'd only ask about Alex, and now that he's in his life, he never talks to me anymore.



These are all the people that have really mattered to me, and if they can all stop caring about me so easily, I don't see how anyone could. In the last year or so, I've developed a taste for hurting people. I'd always get off on upsetting Alex, talking shit about Christianity to Kara, throwing Dora away after she fell for me. No one cares about me, and even if someone actually started to, I'd just hurt them.

So look at me. I'm bound to be alone forever.



The highlight of my day was driving in the rain tonight, with my hoodie on (hood up) to stay warm, and listening to Deadmau5. I wish I could be that content always, but I guess it takes all the shit I get for me to really enjoy little moments like that.

I had to go to a funeral today. That was unfun. I don't like them, and I don't like being around other people while they're grieving. I got to see Jason at least. He'll be coming over Thursday night for dinner, and then I guess he's going back to New York on Friday.

I tried to talk to Alex today, too. I thought maybe we'd get along. I was kind of hoping we would. After a funeral, it's nice to have someone to talk to, right? But what I got instead was a lecture on her view on being straight edge, and I had to defend that just because I don't care about flaunting my views doesn't make me less "edge."

I don't consider myself straight edge. I just consider myself as someone who chooses to not do drugs or drink. I don't feel a need to connect to that crowd, because I'm not as like minded as them. Or maybe I am, and I just don't care. Either way, I'm apparently not "edge" enough to sport an X tattoo even if I really wanted one.

This isn't really the issue anyways. The issue is that I shouldn't talk to anyone. I shouldn't pretend I'm friends with anyone. I'm alone, and that's how I'm meant to be. Alex claims to care about me, and I believe her. But it shouldn't make me feel like I can talk to her, because I can't. I shouldn't have explained that I was getting kicked out the house, because it shouldn't matter to me that she knows. I shouldn't send her funny pictures explaining that's what her period looks like, because I shouldn't care if she thinks it's funny.

This goes for everyone. Yes, I mention Alex, because at one point, she was the most important person in my life....she was important at all I should say..., but it really applies for everyone. It's unsafe for me to connect, and it's unsafe for others to try and connect to me.

While Dora did drugs, she was still nice and she didn't deserve to be thrown away by me.

I went to a funeral, had a stupid conversation with someone I shouldn't ever talk to, and I listened to Deadmau5e. It's still raining. This is a better day than most.

It's a it's a it's a it's a it's a dead body. Showered in all my imagination, I can't blame myself for my indiscretions. How am I are a supposed to be. It's a shame we never worked out. I'm sorry that I couldn't make us work. 

Strobed out and realizing my sky's limit, so I can go on, so I can go on. I know I'm at a worlds low when I do not even know. I don't think I should be going with you to your grandma's funeral, or going to visit you at your college. I didn't think I'd be a nice nice nice nice nice nice, I mean a good enough person. I wouldn't be a caring enough person, or a good enough soldier. That's what I am is what I can't be. An imagination in an imagination, and a few leveled building with no exit signs. 

Out of my death sympathy is when I can feel like what I want to feel. I think I can. I feel like....I can't. A lot of people like dub-step these days, but no one can offer any real hea-hea-hea-hea-heavy droooooops. I can't e-e-e-e-even hear when the-the-the-theyyyyy cooooome in through my iPhone's ringtone. 

I am bleeding out my insecurities every time I open up your page, or at least that's my excuse when I'm looking at you. I feel like a stalker that's being stalked, or maybe that's not in my head like I'm always thinking. Good afternoon, I'm home from work and all I want to do is see what you did today. 

I made some canceled plans, and pretended some happy things were happening. I don't think I'm a bad person for trying to play pretend with you. I don't think I'm a sad person for trying to play pretend with myself. 

I got called into work. I didn't really mind, because I didn't have to stay long or do much. The weather's been a little rainy today (wet and sprinkling), so I could enjoy that a lot. When I was taking something to a customers car, realizing I worked in a warehouse, I thought about that show, The Killing. For fun, I pretended I was in Seattle. It was really nice.

While at work, I finally worked myself up to ending things with Dora. She was upset, and I feel so bad about it. She was a really nice person, but I just didn't want someone who did drugs like that and other things. I couldn't be with someone like that. I'm not sad to lose her, though. I'm really sad that I had to hurt her. I feel like I just want a hug from someone.

Tonight, though, will be tons better. Mom's grilling chicken, I'll be playing Dragon Age II, and watching the new Dexter tonight. It'll be exactly what I need to feel better. Plus, it's still raining. Now that I'm home and alone, by myself, with the rain going, Kalisto sitting with me, and Friday I'm in Love by The Cure (lame, I know) playing, I already feel better.

I've been thinking a little about my "dark passenger." Everyone has one, and I've been connecting with mine lately in a way that I'm not used to. I used to reject it, and want it to be gone. But now, I have a better idea of what my darkness is, and how that makes me into the person I am.

I'm a manipulator. In turn, that makes me a coward. I know this, because I hate confrontation and I rather snake my way through something than deal with it head on.

I've discovered from my co-workers that I'm very unemotional. This is funny, because my emotions are so strong on the inside and I never realized how I came across on the outside. One guy, last week, told me I have no emotion when I talk. He did something for me to keep me from getting in trouble and I said thank you, but he asked what does he have to do for me to give a sincere thank you. I felt like I was being pretty sincere.

I usually feel kind of content at work, but Torie, and I wrote about this before, thinks I look sad all the time even though I don't necessarily feel it. 

I never realized how I've set myself into this mold where I come across as empty. I'll admit that I feel that way a lot these days, but it's still kind of new. How long have I been this way looking dead? I don't think I must have been this way when I was dating Alex. I remember she didn't like when I'd smile at her on cam while laying down, so I must have....been smiling a lot.

So I guess this whole empty thing is new. I thought about how I had a few months where I wanted to feel nothing so bad, and maybe I got it in a way. I distribute no outward emotion. I can only guess it's a defense mechanism to keep people out.

What about keeping people out? I'm so scared to get really close to anyone anymore, and even when I do and wanted to, I have commitment issues I think.

My dark passenger has evolved. It used to be reckless and would control me, and it would tell me things that I wanted wasn't allowed. But now it feels like it's scared. That control isn't there anymore. I'm running scared myself on instinct, not because of my scared passenger.

There's more to it, and it goes a lot deeper. My darkness has creeped up some in the last few days. I snapped on a co-worker, and told him to stop fucking with me. But it's also crept up on me in less outward ways. A girl at Chik-Fil-A (all the workers recognize me, because I get a coke for lunch every day at work) kind of talked to me in "I recognize you way," but even then, I recognized that I felt nothing. This girl was amazingly cute (she's a red head), and I felt no want to really talk back. I just stared, and said thanks when she handed me the coke.

I've noticed on Tumblr, that Alex has been trying to talk to this guy. If she's really like me, she'll just end up hurt. I guess I recognize that there's no point in trying to talk to a friendly girl, because I know I'll just get hurt.

So there it is. I have become an emotionless shell of a person. I think it's nice in a way. I'm protected by who I've become. But if I stay this way for too long, I'll be so damaged, I won't know how to talk to anyone at all anymore.

Today at work, the manager chewed us out for a good hour. It was cool, because that was one hour down doing nothing. I enjoyed it. It was pretty easy going tonight, too. Thank god. I'm about done with how busy we've been.

Dora and I got into a fight. She had started talking about how maybe we're just too different, and I said if this is it then just say so. Upon being close to losing me, she started rationalizing shit about staying together and wanting to make it work. The trick is that she needs a day or two to calm down, so she doesn't say stuff like that anymore. The fact is that we are too different, and I thought I'd get over it.

But cocaine? Like I said last night, there's just no way I can do it. I plan to bring it up when she's ready to talk again. I don't really want to manipulate her into hating me and leaving me. It's just a mean thing to do, but she like....really likes me and I don't want to just throw her off and hurt her. In the end, I just gotta do what's right for me, though.

At least, I'm not being hurt.

On the way home tonight, I had my iPhone on shuffle and it started playing All I Ever Wanted by The Air Toxic....something. Whatever they're called. The point is that I really wish I could stop thinking about Alex. It sucks that she'll be a scar on me forever, and I'm just an insect in her life if that much.

That's why I made my blog private. I hate that she could know everything going on with me, and I have no idea what's going on with her. I know Brian broke it off, and only because she accidentally texted that to me. So, really. Does it make sense to let her know my every thought? It doesn't, and it's unfair. That's why she's not my friend.

I'm doing okay, but there's just that feeling where everything's slowly beginning to suck again. I'm actually choosing to go back to how I was. Alone, bored with everything. I mean I guess it's better than dealing with Alex or Dora. I'll probably make a new Facebook, and only add people I actually like talking to which is maybe three people. Or just delete everyone off my old FB.

More importantly, I need a new computer chair. This one is broken, and it's killing my back. Fucker.

A year ago today, I got a package full of food from a girlfriend. Just wanted to post about that.

Work was tons better today. I was basically with Tim and Andrew who are the only people I really get along with that well. They mess with me, but I know them better and can laugh with them. I mess with them, too, so it's all good. I was singing the Sailor Moon theme a lot, and Tim kept saying "I'm gonna kill em."

We started talking about sex, and I mentioned how I was with Dora. It led, somehow, into how I had unprotected sex and they started saying stuff like "Oh, man. You better hope you didn't get her pregnant." I knew she wasn't pregnant when I first thought about it before, but them saying that really fucked me up big time. I had to talk to Dora about it, and she calmed me down saying she had her period. But it still wasn't enough to make me feel completely better, but I'm sure it'll wear off soon.

I started talking about how we're moving too fast, and I wanted to slow down. She was annoyed, because she thought we were doing really well. She thought I worried way too much, and I have the self esteem "of a peanut."

The worst part is that I wanted to annoy her. I don't want her to like me anymore, so I'm sabotaging the relationship. I'm a very neat monster.

I feel bad about it, but I don't want to settle on someone who does cocaine and does nothing but sits in their room smoking cigs and weed. I mean really? I was seriously about to settle for her, and I just know I can't. She wants me to smoke weed and drink, and I can't do it. She's not pretty to me. You know her pictures were all old, and well...she doesn't look like that anymore. I was deceived. Whatever. I'm a shitty person like everyone else, but this isn't something I can just be happy with. The other worst part is that I can't really get rid of her till I'm sure she's not pregnant. She isn't, but motherfucker, I can't help my shitty self.

Ever since Alex broke up with me, I'm discovering I have some real commitment issues. Or I'm just waiting for someone who makes me feel that spark again.Either way, I'm going on a kind of hiatus about the whole thing. I'm tired of looking for someone. I just want to be left alone.

I made my blog private today. Alex is not my friend, and she doesn't need an all access pass into my life. Sure, if she texts, I'll respond. But she isn't important to me like she used to be, and so why should I let her read this? Yeah, it kind of sucks that I'm writing this crap and no one's ever going to read it. But...I just...I don't know. I'm just not supposed to let people into my head. I can't.

They fuck with me whether on purpose or not. I'm kind of sad about it. I deleted my Facebook (again), too, and I liked having it and talking to Alex and Shoe on it. But whatever, we can text.

Torie asked why do I look sad all the time, and I told her I'm just a modern day Edgar Allen Poe I guess. She said I should cheer up. I didn't say anything, but I really am trying to work on that. I feel like I've made a lot progress and learned a lot of things about myself. I mean I've even been pretty content lately, but that's only because of Dora and I'm getting rid of her. So what happens after she's gone?

Tonight was a lot better for me. Mom is chill now, and we get along forgetting anything happened. We picked up some Pop Eyes (a shit ton of chicken, fries, and biscuits), and I got to rent Transformers 3. We all ate in the living room while watching the movie which turned out to be a long ass movie. I enjoyed it a lot; it just seemed to drag on forever.

Alex didn't even finish it. He went off to play Battlefield 3 some more saying he doesn't like Transformers. What a loser. Even mom finished, and enjoyed the movie. Either way, it was all nice.

I hope to fucking Christ that work goes better tomorrow, because I just need to chill and I can't take all that shit anymore. Tonight was nice, but the day was so shitty.

Work was bad today. It was really busy, there were angry customers, and everyone kept picking on me. I snapped a little. I told one guy to stop fucking with me all the time. I have my own problems, and I don't need this extra shit from work.

I was thinking most people would just say "you should be nice to me on my birthday," but I didn't care that it was my birthday and they wouldn't either.

Some people on Facebook did tell me happy birthday. I'm surprised Alex didn't, given the nature of our conversation last night. That's why I stopped talking to her. She has a way of making me think she cares more than she really does. Although, I deserve it for not being there for her birthday earlier this year.

Today's just a bad day. I'm not trying to make it out to be that it should be a good day just, because it's my birthday. It's just another day, and who cares.

Never mind. Doesn't look like I'll be kicked out. Happy birthday present for me.

I had all kinds of scenario's play out in my head, though. Dora offered to let me stay at her place, but there's no way in fucking hell I'm living at someone else's parents house.  I, of course, explained it in a nicer manner to her. Alex said I could stay at her place. I actually thought it'd be cool. I mean we always did wanna see each other. But ultimately, I thought about just driving to Seattle, and starting everything over. Then I thought about kidnapping Alex, and taking her to Seattle, too. I think she'd appreciate it.

Anyways, lately, everything has been different for me. Dora seems to be moving fast, and I'm not really digging it. In fact, when she was over here for two days, I actually started to feel like how I'd feel when a friend came over to my apartment after they'd been there a while. I felt like I wanted her to leave, so I could be alone.

Not that she was a crappy person to hang out with, I just can't stand people's company for too long. There is the other problem where I started to feel like I didn't want to be with her anymore. I thought, at first, that it was my darkness. But it's just my own asshole-ness.

I think after Alex, I just don't know feel it anymore. Alex and I had the kind of relationship I want, and now it's hard to settle for something that isn't that. We were cute together and acted like kids. Dora is "all grown up," doesn't go for my jokes, and smokes a pack of cigs a day. I thought I could get over that, but it sucks breathing that shit. I told her how I used to be really big into straight edge and that I still was, I just didn't wear it on my sleeves. That's a lame concept to her. So, yeah. It's hard to like this girl too much after Alex.

This isn't to say Dora is horrible. She's cool, and she's really nice. I'm just really really bad at this. I've been acting like I know exactly what I want, and when I get it, I just want to back the fuck out. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll just ride it out, and see what happens. I just feel like everything's gotten serious all of a sudden, and now it's too late to just say "hey, this isn't working out."

I'll admit, I kind of missed my dynamic with Alex this morning. But work dissolved that pretty quickly. Work was super busy for a while there, but it looks like it'll be calming down finally.

Yesterday, I picked up Rage. A game that I've been waiting for a long time. Even Alex thought it looked cool. I really am talking a lot about her a lot tonight (someone I've only talked to like three times in the last month). The opening song for Rage was really awesome. Doom 3 had dumb metal music, but this....this is good.

Well, my mom's kicking me out. Gotta pack up tomorrow. Happy birthday to me.

Last night, I was supposed to work 12-7, but the guy coming in called in sick, so I had to cover him. I ended up doing 12-9. I was supposed to be off today, but I had to cover another shift and did 4-9. I will literally be doing nothing for the next two days, because I'm sick of working.

Lennon got a Kingdom Hearts manga at his school book fair, because it looked cool. When I told him I have most of the games, he was pretty stoked. He's been playing KH2 for the last few days. He's playing now, too. He's still only 8, so I put some cheats on it for him, especially because the bosses get insanely hard later on. This is has all rekindled my love for KH, so I think I may go get re:Coded for DS tomorrow.

FUCK!! Kalisto just jumped on my bed out of nowhere, and scared the shit out of me. T_____T

I sent this picture to Shoe, and told him about how I just got done putting all those vacuums up there, and he said "dude, hooking up with women and doing man work like that? thats some serious BAMF activities"

I looked up BAMF, and apparently, it means bad ass mothefucker. So, that's what I am. I have sex, and do physical labor. I guess I am pretty cool.

Speaking of sex, I'm looking forward to spending the next two days with Dora. And speaking of spending time with people, I have no online friends anymore. I did reactivate my FB and Dora wanted me to keep it up, so whatever. I just deleted all the online friends on there, except like Geoff. Also, Alex. She and I don't talk anymore, but I keep her on there just because. I don't really have a reason to, because we're not really friends. But eh.

Lennon wants to play Final Fantasy XIII. Shoe keeps saying he's the coolest 8 year old in the world, because I've started getting him to video games.

So I spent the night at Dora's last night. It was fun. We went to Zaxby's, and went to a bar. We hung out with her gay best friend a little bit. We didn't really do anything at her house. We just hung out.

She eventually put a movie on, but we didn't even make it pass the trailers. We ended up having sex. Twice. And then we had sex this morning before I left for work. It was pretty sweet. 

I felt a little bad at first, but then she told me what we did was a good thing and that we're okay and all that. So I guess I don't have to worry about her disappearing like Emily.

She's gonna come to my house and spend the night on Monday, because I have that day and Tuesday off. We'll have more to do there, because she wants to play my PS3. It also turns out she's a big Aquabats fan, so I obviously had to bring up Mega64 and how they use Aquabats music. So she wants to watch that, too. I really didn't even care to mention Mega64 with her or anything. It just seemed natural since we were listening to The Aquabats.