Today is definitely on my top three hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Obviously, I'd like to say this was THE hardest, but I'm more than upset so who knows. I do know while today was very hard, I managed to make one point tonight. Alex was going to block me from everything. She blocked me on Facebook. But I was able to fight hard enough to get her to unblock me, and even get her to, once she's calmed down, agree to add me back on FB. After that, we may even talk to each other one day.
So I lost my girlfriend, but just this one point I was able to score will help me sleep tonight. I lost her as my girlfriend, but I didn't completely lose her. There's hope that we can stay in each others life, and that's I want anymore.
I've met a few people online and just as easily stopped talking to them. But Alex is different. She loved me, and I so loved her. This is one online person I just can't completely lose like everyone else. There's some kind of future for us, and I'm happy to have that.
I'd like to talk about the pain, though. I want to write about it, so I'll never forget it.
The whole day had a numbing pain. The kind where you just sit around all day, depressed. I was constantly doing something to distract myself like listening to music, sitting outside, surfing the internet. But the truth was that I was majorly depressed all day, and by distracting myself, I was really just holding it all in. So I cut myself some to ease the pain, and then I broke down out of no where. It was a slow fall to the ground where I laid there in my tears and snot for a good half hour.
It's crazy how I thought that would be the worst of it. But that was when I still thought I had a chance to get my girlfriend back.
After I finally got the courage to write her a message explaining my feelings and how we were meant for each other, I actually felt good. I know Alex. She was gonna see reason, and I was very confident this would help my situation. But I thought I knew Alex. I texted her to let her know I messaged her something I needed her to read.
And then I saw the response. There was no reasoning with her. She flat out told me she didn't love me anymore and that we were done.
This is where the real pain started. Pain I never felt before. My body went completely and literally numb. That feeling where your legs asleep, except all over and way more intense. I felt like I got shot in the gut; my stomach felt like it caved in on itself, and my whole body was tense and shaking very bad. It was like I was standing in Alaska naked. I was slumping out of my chair, because I couldn't sit up or anything. I squeezed the arm rests, and bent over gasping for air.
I literally had the air knocked out of me. I'm sure Alex will have fun letting her friends listen to the voice mail I left her where I was gasping for air and trying to beg her to please talk to me. This pain did not subside at all for an hour.
Afterwards, I went and talked to my mom. I had been really quiet all day, and knew she thought I was mad at her or something. So I told her about Alex and how I'd been dating her for over a year. And I told her I'd been quiet, because she just broke up with me. She quickly wanted to try and understand how I'd been sating someone for a year without her knowing, but then I began to break down again from having talked about it with someone. It was nice being hugged by her like that; being cared about. She even started to tear up.
But I quickly walked back to my room where I broke down again. I had been talking to Alex, desperately fighting just to get her to talk to me. I had lost being together, and now I just wanted to talk.
She would not talk, and the pain came back. This time, I propped my feet up, and closed my eyes. I concentrated on my breathing.
And now here I am. My body aches a little from all the shaking and tensing up. My face hurts and my eyes burn from all the crying. This is the kind of pain I wanted to write about so I'd never forget about it.
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