Goodbye, Alex.

So this is it. It's really over. I really thought I could change things at the last second. But she really wanted me gone. She wanted me gone.

We lasted a little over a year, and now it's like it never happened. She wants to be blocked. She told me I should block her. It'll be like I never met her. I can't stand the thought of this. Someone I loved so much is all of sudden....vanished. It's like she died.

I don't know which is worse. I guess her being alive is better. But she's alive, and wants nothing to do with me.

She told me to man up and change my ways. But I'm not like her. I have years of no one caring about me. No one to love me. I just don't know how to change myself. I asked my mom last year about getting anxiety medicine or seeing a therapist, but she rubbed it off. She told me I'm fine. So how do I help myself when no one else wants me to be helped?

I guess it doesn't matter. I'm alone. Whether I'm helped or not doesn't matter anymore. The one person I loved anymore just up and vanished. She's gone now, and I don't know what to do with myself.

I cut myself more than a few times, I stood in the hot shower for half an hour, I cried myself to the floor. There's nothing left to do. All I can do is keep thinking about how this girl I loved doesn't exist anymore.

I remember she told me she'd never leave me. That, even when things were really bad, she'd just shake her head and say no to the idea of us not being together anymore. I really need that girl with me. I need her.

I wanted to go see Green Lantern with her, go to Dragoncon together, move to Seattle and deal with her hipsterness, and play the new Bioshock game with her. I wanted my future to be with her. It was all I thought about. I was always happy how she'd defend me to her friends when they thought I wasn't worth being with. She loved me more than anything. She loved me more than Emily ever loved me, and now she's gone.

"Go away" is the last thing someone I loved said to me.