My dark passenger.

I always have this thing eating at me. I don't really know what to call it. The only way I can describe it is that I want nothing to go my way. It's like a voice in my head telling me it feels good to be let down.

I'm always wishing my girlfriend was cheating on me, or my mom would kick me out of the house. Or everyone, I haven't lost yet, would tell me they don't want to be friends anymore. I guess I want a reason to have nothing, so I don't have to deal with anything. You try to do something nice, but it ends up blowing up in your face.

I constantly feel like no one cares about me, and everyone keeps telling me they do care about me. It's really kind of unbearable. I just want to go through the day without wondering if someone's going to have something to say to me. When I was single, I had gotten used to the silence. But now I'm always up waiting for my current girlfriend to say something.

I almost think I enjoy fighting, because at least she's talking to me. It feels like I've given up trying to make anything good, so I just settle for the scraps of what I can get. A lot of times I just wish it would end. It's easier to deal with having nothing, than constantly wishing for more.

That's the "voice." It's telling me to keep fighting for things, because it knows I'm going to get hurt. That's how it feeds itself.

When I try to give this voice a face, I just see my girlfriend. I see her laughing at me with all of her guy friends. I see her using me to feed her ego. And then I see myself allowing it to happen, because I'm so pathetic that I'm just happy someone wants anything to do with me. It's like being killed by her, and "apologizing for bleeding on her shirt." I'm tired of feeling this way.