Moving on.

I was very luckily able to do stuff to keep my mind off of Alex for the most part of the day. I watched a funny series online for about two hours after I woke up, and then we went out to eat which was another three hours. But now I'm back here on my bed, and nothing to do.

Night time. The worst. Sigh. The times I did think about Alex, I mostly kept telling myself "She's at work right now, so we wouldn't be talking anyways." But now it's 10:30, and she'd be getting off work. Now I don't have anything to tell myself to feel better. I'll probably stay up till four in the morning doing whatever to keep my mind off of everything.

It's really too bad that the "waiting for the pain to go away and moving on" phase is about as bad as the actual break up. Luckily I've been through this before, and not too long ago. So I have clear experience. I just need to do things to make the time go by, and keep myself distracted.

I even talked to myself about why she and I shouldn't be together anyways. She was right when she said we weren't meant to be together; she was repeating the same thing I've regrettably said too many times. I don't blame her for breaking up with me. I was a completely shitty boyfriend to her.  I'm amazed that she stayed with me as long as she did. This relationship really opened my eyes to how messed up of a person I am. But I also need to remember it was an online relationship.

She just couldn't compete with what I had with Emily who was with me in person. I was so much more happier with Emily in person than Alex really ever made me, but it wasn't her fault. I had to keep showing dumb shit like videos and games to her just so we could get along together, because what else are we supposed to do online than talk about shit? I never needed to do that with Emily. We could lay in bed all day, and be more than happy. I had to scramble around to find shit to make myself happy with Alex.

So maybe it's not so bad. In all honesty, I was really depressed with Alex, and my fighting to get her back was just my natural human instinct to fight for what I really needed at the time. This break up makes sense, because I kept saying we just weren't gonna work unless we got together in person. And I have to be honest. We were never gonna meet. She was never gonna save up enough money to come down here for a convention, and I was never gonna find a job in Cleveland any time soon. Or ever. And she's starting college soon.

But hopefully, once things cool down, we can talk again and aim to be friends. I wouldn't mind getting videos of her cat, Mickey, and funny pictures on FB from her. It really is a shame that the break up had to be so nasty and made her want nothing to do with me, but maybe things can change in the future. Maybe she shouldn't be my girlfriend, but I'd still like her to be in my life. I still care about her, and want to know what's going on with her.

So I'll probably still be depressed for a while, because it's natural to feel that way when you lose someone you love. But, like with Emily, it'll pass, and I'll meet someone new maybe.