I'm always trying to figure out what's wrong with me. The funny thing is is if I look at my previous posts, it seems like I already know. But I still can't really comprehend anything. I sometimes feel like I don't want to be the way I am, which is actually pretty true. I don't like myself.
But I keep it up, because every time I let my guard down, I always get hurt. This is a fact. It isn't "oh, poor me." It happens every time, and the worst part is when I'm generally content and calm, I start to feel like I can let my guard down. I can try to be nice and get along, but I can't do that. Someone's going to intentionally or unintentionally hurt me.
It sucks. Because I'd like to get along with people and have a special someone I don't have to fight with. But the way I am isn't new. I know what's going to happen when I try to do something that I shouldn't do, or, more humorously, something I'm not allowed to do.
I'm a creature of solitude, and I'm not allowed to have people in my life. I'm not allowed to have a loved one take care of me. They either see what I am and leave me, or they try to help me with it and end up being hurt. All I do is hurt, and be hurt.
I'm a monster.
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