The hate I feel for you.

When I was younger, I used to wish the end of the world would come. I remember in one of my 9th grade classes, I sat next to the window (that overlooked the parking lot) in the back, and I have a clear memory of imagining a plane crashing right there in the lot.

I don't know if I wanted everyone to die or if I wanted to die; I think I just wanted to experience it and see what happened. I want to watch people go crazy, because it's the apocalypse and no one knows what to do. I'd do this assuming I didn't die, obviously.

I don't know what my obsession with the end of the world is about. I'm sure most people would just write me off as crazy. Why would anyone want to gets to know me first anyways.

I do know what triggers me into thinking about it, though. Every time I'm looking at random people on Facebook, all I see is their happiness in all the pictures. I guess I want everyone's happiness to be taken away from them, but I feel like I'm just trying to make light of the situation. Light compared to how I really feel anyways.

Really, when I look at these people, I'm just filled with jealousy and disgust. I hate everyone. I hate everyone for turning me into who I am today.

I honestly remember being kind of happy, hopeful, and wanting to be nice to people. I believed in helping each other and being nice to each other. But everyone has shown what a horrible and selfish world this is. I guess the truth is is that I grew up. I saw everything for what it was. I saw lazy teachers who wanted to make scapegoats out of people rather than see their side of the story. I saw my parents show no interest in what I needed; eager to write my feelings off. And I saw friends leave me when it wasn't convenient to know me anymore.

It transformed me. Everyone, who I believed to be good at heart, turned out to be assholes. So I became an asshole. I was this nice guy, and it was rewarding to see everyone's reaction when I wasn't nice to them anymore.

My ex-best friend said it best: I couldn't handle the shit nature of people, so I turned into an asshole to rid myself of everyone. I wanted everyone to be gone. I gave everyone a reason to leave me on my own grounds.

But it didn't stop there. Now I'm incapable of having a relationship. I'm a wounded animal that can't be helped, and I kick and bark when people try to help. The best part, at least, is that I don't even want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm still deluding myself into believing I want everyone to hate me.

So thanks, world. You ruined me.