Moving on is proving to be a little difficult.

Everything hurts tonight. Really bad in fact. I think maybe because I've just been focusing on it so much. I honestly am done dating Alex. I feel this way for real, and I'm not deluding myself. I was actually doing really good today, but then all of a sudden everything just hurts so bad.

I guess it's like a physical wound. Even if the initial pain is gone and you're fine, it still takes time to fully heal. I'm over Alex, but it still hurts a lot. And it sucks because when I think about it, she's probably doing totally fine. Doesn't give a shit, or anything.

But that's my problem. I keep thinking about how she's doing, and how it's affecting me and everything, I just need to let go, and not care. Just stop thinking about it. Luckily, I may be getting a job really soon, and I can meet new people and have fun and actually have a life for once, and put Alex behind me.

In fact, she's supposed to talk to me some day, but the more that time passes by, the more I just wanna forget her altogether. I'll never really forget her, but if I could get to the point to where when I think of her, it doesn't mean anything (like with a lot of old girlfriends), then that'd be fine.

I'll just need to get more of a life, and maybe one day I'll meet someone in person. That'll change a lot I think. Being cooped up all the time sitting in front of a computer is really unhealthy, and it's probably a big reason why I'm so depressed. I've been thinking about deleting FB and everything, because I just hate it. Especially lately. I just keep going to Alex's FB, and crazily hoping that, for some reason, I'll be able to see her profile that time. I'm becoming obsessed, and it sucks.

I don't know. Everything sucks right now, but everything passes. Even our shittiest arguments and fights passed and let us get along for a while. So all this should pass, too, and I can just get on with everything.

I still plan on moving to Seattle one day, and being able to go to PAX every year. That was always a dream of mine, and to be able to go there with my girlfriend. That was a dream way before Alex, and I'm not gonna let a shitty relationship ruin all that for me. So, I guess I still have stuff to look forward to.

Moving on.

I was very luckily able to do stuff to keep my mind off of Alex for the most part of the day. I watched a funny series online for about two hours after I woke up, and then we went out to eat which was another three hours. But now I'm back here on my bed, and nothing to do.

Night time. The worst. Sigh. The times I did think about Alex, I mostly kept telling myself "She's at work right now, so we wouldn't be talking anyways." But now it's 10:30, and she'd be getting off work. Now I don't have anything to tell myself to feel better. I'll probably stay up till four in the morning doing whatever to keep my mind off of everything.

It's really too bad that the "waiting for the pain to go away and moving on" phase is about as bad as the actual break up. Luckily I've been through this before, and not too long ago. So I have clear experience. I just need to do things to make the time go by, and keep myself distracted.

I even talked to myself about why she and I shouldn't be together anyways. She was right when she said we weren't meant to be together; she was repeating the same thing I've regrettably said too many times. I don't blame her for breaking up with me. I was a completely shitty boyfriend to her.  I'm amazed that she stayed with me as long as she did. This relationship really opened my eyes to how messed up of a person I am. But I also need to remember it was an online relationship.

She just couldn't compete with what I had with Emily who was with me in person. I was so much more happier with Emily in person than Alex really ever made me, but it wasn't her fault. I had to keep showing dumb shit like videos and games to her just so we could get along together, because what else are we supposed to do online than talk about shit? I never needed to do that with Emily. We could lay in bed all day, and be more than happy. I had to scramble around to find shit to make myself happy with Alex.

So maybe it's not so bad. In all honesty, I was really depressed with Alex, and my fighting to get her back was just my natural human instinct to fight for what I really needed at the time. This break up makes sense, because I kept saying we just weren't gonna work unless we got together in person. And I have to be honest. We were never gonna meet. She was never gonna save up enough money to come down here for a convention, and I was never gonna find a job in Cleveland any time soon. Or ever. And she's starting college soon.

But hopefully, once things cool down, we can talk again and aim to be friends. I wouldn't mind getting videos of her cat, Mickey, and funny pictures on FB from her. It really is a shame that the break up had to be so nasty and made her want nothing to do with me, but maybe things can change in the future. Maybe she shouldn't be my girlfriend, but I'd still like her to be in my life. I still care about her, and want to know what's going on with her.

So I'll probably still be depressed for a while, because it's natural to feel that way when you lose someone you love. But, like with Emily, it'll pass, and I'll meet someone new maybe.

Life alone.

I'm up now. I surprisingly slept pretty well. I wish I was still sleeping, though. I was thankfully given something to sleep, and now I need something to get me through the day.

I don't want to spend all day listening to the same song over and over, crying, walking around the house slowly. But that's what I'll end up doing, because there's nothing else for me to do. My whole life was revolved around my girlfriend. But she has lots of friends, her photography, work, and college coming up. She hardly needs me. She only needed me as a boyfriend, and I needed her as everything.

So what do you do when everything's gone? Nothing I guess. I'll cut myself some more. I need to.

Sigh. No one really loves me anymore.

Luckily, the Mega64 Faircast is out today. It kind of makes me tear up, though, because I was excited to tell Alex about it.

Well, whatever.

Remembering the pain I felt, so I could never feel it again.

Today is definitely on my top three hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Obviously, I'd like to say this was THE hardest, but I'm more than upset so who knows. I do know while today was very hard, I managed to make one point tonight. Alex was going to block me from everything. She blocked me on Facebook. But I was able to fight hard enough to get her to unblock me, and even get her to, once she's calmed down, agree to add me back on FB. After that, we may even talk to each other one day.

So I lost my girlfriend, but just this one point I was able to score will help me sleep tonight. I lost her as my girlfriend, but I didn't completely lose her. There's hope that we can stay in each others life, and that's I want anymore.

I've met a few people online and just as easily stopped talking to them. But Alex is different. She loved me, and I so loved her. This is one online person I just can't completely lose like everyone else. There's some kind of future for us, and I'm happy to have that.


I'd like to talk about the pain, though. I want to write about it, so I'll never forget it.

The whole day had a numbing pain. The kind where you just sit around all day, depressed. I was constantly doing something to distract myself like listening to music, sitting outside, surfing the internet. But the truth was that I was majorly depressed all day, and by distracting myself, I was really just holding it all in. So I cut myself some to ease the pain, and then I broke down out of no where. It was a slow fall to the ground where I laid there in my tears and snot for a good half hour.

It's crazy how I thought that would be the worst of it. But that was when I still thought I had a chance to get my girlfriend back.

After I finally got the courage to write her a message explaining my feelings and how we were meant for each other, I actually felt good. I know Alex. She was gonna see reason, and I was very confident this would help my situation. But I thought I knew Alex. I texted her to let her know I messaged her something I needed her to read.

And then I saw the response. There was no reasoning with her. She flat out told me she didn't love me anymore and that we were done.

This is where the real pain started. Pain I never felt before. My body went completely and literally numb. That feeling where your legs asleep, except all over and way more intense. I felt like I got shot in the gut; my stomach felt like it caved in on itself, and my whole body was tense and shaking very bad. It was like I was standing in Alaska naked. I was slumping out of my chair, because I couldn't sit up or anything. I squeezed the arm rests, and bent over gasping for air.

I literally had the air knocked out of me. I'm sure Alex will have fun letting her friends listen to the voice mail I left her where I was gasping for air and trying to beg her to please talk to me. This pain did not subside at all for an hour.

Afterwards, I went and talked to my mom. I had been really quiet all day, and knew she thought I was mad at her or something. So I told her about Alex and how I'd been dating her for over a year. And I told her I'd been quiet, because she just broke up with me. She quickly wanted to try and understand how I'd been sating someone for a year without her knowing, but then I began to break down again from having talked about it with someone. It was nice being hugged by her like that; being cared about. She even started to tear up.

But I quickly walked back to my room where I broke down again. I had been talking to Alex, desperately fighting just to get her to talk to me. I had lost being together, and now I just wanted to talk.

She would not talk, and the pain came back. This time, I propped my feet up, and closed my eyes. I concentrated on my breathing.

And now here I am. My body aches a little from all the shaking and tensing up. My face hurts and my eyes burn from all the crying. This is the kind of pain I wanted to write about so I'd never forget about it.

Confused and lost.

I don't know what to do. All I wanted was for things to be nice.

I've been sitting here all night desperately hoping she'll text me or something. It shouldn't be like this. I'm supposed to be her boyfriend, and now I'm on her list of people who aren't allowed to know what she's up to or talk to her or anything. I just don't understand this.

Everything's fucked up. I want my girlfriend back. I know I'm hard to deal with, but it's not like she wasn't either. I did the best I could, and I gave her a million second chances. Where's my second chance? Where's the compassion for me that I showed her? Why am I all of a sudden so hated by her?

Everyone I know goes away in the end, and I honestly thought she was the exception. I thought she was gonna be the one to stay.

I always believed I deserved nothing good, but that didn't keep me from wishing I could have something good. She was that good thing that was keeping me from breaking apart. And now that I've broken apart (again), I don't think I have the hope and will to fix myself again. It's the same story every time. "I'll love you forever (until it's inconvient)."

Sigh.....Who knew all I needed to get over Emily was to have another and better girlfriend break my heart. Alex is gonna be the one I'll always wonder what could've been. We could've been perfect in person, and that's why I stood by her the whole time even though everything was shitty so much. I was taking all the crap, because I knew that it was, one day, gonna be worth it.

Everything's been taken away. Nothing's right.

Wounded and regrettably not dead.

I'm sitting outside watching the birds and the cars go by, and taking some comfort from the breeze. But I want, so bad, to feel nothing. I wish I had vicoden or something.

I wish I was dead.

There's a lot I wish right now. But I should be glad that I can at least write. I can write whatever I want. It makes me feel a little better, but I've written so much lately that, like cutting, it's losing it's edge.

I have no friends. I have no family. I have nothing, and the one thing I don't want is what I do have. I have all these feelings. It's tearing me apart. I really wish I could feel nothing. I already feel dead all the time, so why can't I feel emotionless? The truth is that I feel too much. I'm so sensitive.

This break up feels like a knife in my chest. I honestly am jealous of Alex. She seems to not care at all anymore, and I wish I didn't care either.

Goodbye, Alex.

So this is it. It's really over. I really thought I could change things at the last second. But she really wanted me gone. She wanted me gone.

We lasted a little over a year, and now it's like it never happened. She wants to be blocked. She told me I should block her. It'll be like I never met her. I can't stand the thought of this. Someone I loved so much is all of sudden....vanished. It's like she died.

I don't know which is worse. I guess her being alive is better. But she's alive, and wants nothing to do with me.

She told me to man up and change my ways. But I'm not like her. I have years of no one caring about me. No one to love me. I just don't know how to change myself. I asked my mom last year about getting anxiety medicine or seeing a therapist, but she rubbed it off. She told me I'm fine. So how do I help myself when no one else wants me to be helped?

I guess it doesn't matter. I'm alone. Whether I'm helped or not doesn't matter anymore. The one person I loved anymore just up and vanished. She's gone now, and I don't know what to do with myself.

I cut myself more than a few times, I stood in the hot shower for half an hour, I cried myself to the floor. There's nothing left to do. All I can do is keep thinking about how this girl I loved doesn't exist anymore.

I remember she told me she'd never leave me. That, even when things were really bad, she'd just shake her head and say no to the idea of us not being together anymore. I really need that girl with me. I need her.

I wanted to go see Green Lantern with her, go to Dragoncon together, move to Seattle and deal with her hipsterness, and play the new Bioshock game with her. I wanted my future to be with her. It was all I thought about. I was always happy how she'd defend me to her friends when they thought I wasn't worth being with. She loved me more than anything. She loved me more than Emily ever loved me, and now she's gone.

"Go away" is the last thing someone I loved said to me.

Written for someone who doesn't care.

I got a dose of cold reality today. For some reason, I'm a naturally hopeful person. So when Alex told me she wanted to stay friends, I was hoping I could still talk to her. But the reality was that I'm really not her problem anymore. She truly let go of me, and has no care for me.

How can she be so ready to want nothing to do with me anymore? I thought I meant something to her. I only meant enough to her so that she told me not to cut myself. She doesn't want to be responsible for what I do to myself, and she did some heavy hinting that she's not going to talk to me about her problems anymore and that I need to seek help elsewhere.

What's the point of getting help when I have no one around to care about me getting better? What's the point of doing anything. Emily left me, and now Alex. It's clear that no one's gonna want me in the long run.

I guess all I can do is keep cutting. And now I don't have to worry about what she thinks anymore. Cutting hasn't really helped lately, so I'll just keep cutting till I feel better.

Why doesn't anyone love me.

Suicide note.

The pain, right now, is unbearable. There's nothing fun about trying to sleep all night gasping for air and clutching your chest. It's just bearable enough now for me to write this.

I had one person in my life left, and now she's gone. There's no one to talk to, and there's no one to care about me anymore. I wanted things to be different. I wanted it to be nice. Now I have nothing but this pain, and no relief.

I had all night to think about this, and what it really means. The only thing holding me back is not a part of my life anymore. And it hurts more to know no ones ever going to want me, or love me. I'm ugly. On the outside and inside, and I'm tired of going day to day feeling this way. I'm tired of everything.

If no one wants me, then this is it. Bye.

Alone.

My girlfriend broke up with me tonight.

I don't really know what to say. I'm hurt. I sat on my couch and looked at my feet for a good thirty minutes, and then the pain was bad enough to make me get up and distract myself. So here I am.

Instead of dwelling, I could think about the positives. I can flirt with other girls.

I guess that's it. I'm still the sad person I was before, except I'm more sad now. People enter your lives, and then they leave. It's like they were never there before.

I think the worst part is that I can't even cut myself anymore, because it's not as satisfying anymore. Especially because, since moving back home, I can only cut where no one can see and that just doesn't do anything for me. I have an itch to really fuck my arms up, but I really don't want to deal with anyone's opinions about it.

So, this is it. I'll sit for the rest of the night, and dwell in my pain. I'll really focus on where it hurts till I'm crippled. It's like every other night, except now I'm truly alone. At least before, I had a girlfriend that was willing to help me if I really needed it even when things were bad.

The last few days, while things were bad, I was thinking a lot about how she was going to come down for a convention and we'd be together for a few days. It's funny how I'm thinking about things to keep the relationship going, then everything's done.

I shouldn't be surprised. I'm a mess, and no one can clean up the one I leave behind myself. I didn't deserve her, and she deserved better.

So good bye.

Creature hiding under your bed.

I'm always trying to figure out what's wrong with me. The funny thing is is if I look at my previous posts, it seems like I already know. But I still can't really comprehend anything. I sometimes feel like I don't want to be the way I am, which is actually pretty true. I don't like myself.

But I keep it up, because every time I let my guard down, I always get hurt. This is a fact. It isn't "oh, poor me." It happens every time, and the worst part is when I'm generally content and calm, I start to feel like I can let my guard down. I can try to be nice and get along, but I can't do that. Someone's going to intentionally or unintentionally hurt me.

It sucks. Because I'd like to get along with people and have a special someone I don't have to fight with. But the way I am isn't new. I know what's going to happen when I try to do something that I shouldn't do, or, more humorously, something I'm not allowed to do.

I'm a creature of solitude, and I'm not allowed to have people in my life. I'm not allowed to have a loved one take care of me. They either see what I am and leave me, or they try to help me with it and end up being hurt. All I do is hurt, and be hurt.

I'm a monster.

The hate I feel for you.

When I was younger, I used to wish the end of the world would come. I remember in one of my 9th grade classes, I sat next to the window (that overlooked the parking lot) in the back, and I have a clear memory of imagining a plane crashing right there in the lot.

I don't know if I wanted everyone to die or if I wanted to die; I think I just wanted to experience it and see what happened. I want to watch people go crazy, because it's the apocalypse and no one knows what to do. I'd do this assuming I didn't die, obviously.

I don't know what my obsession with the end of the world is about. I'm sure most people would just write me off as crazy. Why would anyone want to gets to know me first anyways.

I do know what triggers me into thinking about it, though. Every time I'm looking at random people on Facebook, all I see is their happiness in all the pictures. I guess I want everyone's happiness to be taken away from them, but I feel like I'm just trying to make light of the situation. Light compared to how I really feel anyways.

Really, when I look at these people, I'm just filled with jealousy and disgust. I hate everyone. I hate everyone for turning me into who I am today.

I honestly remember being kind of happy, hopeful, and wanting to be nice to people. I believed in helping each other and being nice to each other. But everyone has shown what a horrible and selfish world this is. I guess the truth is is that I grew up. I saw everything for what it was. I saw lazy teachers who wanted to make scapegoats out of people rather than see their side of the story. I saw my parents show no interest in what I needed; eager to write my feelings off. And I saw friends leave me when it wasn't convenient to know me anymore.

It transformed me. Everyone, who I believed to be good at heart, turned out to be assholes. So I became an asshole. I was this nice guy, and it was rewarding to see everyone's reaction when I wasn't nice to them anymore.

My ex-best friend said it best: I couldn't handle the shit nature of people, so I turned into an asshole to rid myself of everyone. I wanted everyone to be gone. I gave everyone a reason to leave me on my own grounds.

But it didn't stop there. Now I'm incapable of having a relationship. I'm a wounded animal that can't be helped, and I kick and bark when people try to help. The best part, at least, is that I don't even want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm still deluding myself into believing I want everyone to hate me.

So thanks, world. You ruined me.

Lack of importance.

It seems like everything and everyone is out to get me. I feel like this, because everything hurts. Everything someone does to me has the potential to prick at me; even when it was meant to be a nice thing.

The thing is is that I'm not important enough to have anything nice be done to me, so how can I take anything as a nice gesture. All I can do is think about how they did it to hurt me and wonder why they're out to do so. Someone showed me a picture today, but all I could think about was how I wasn't important enough to have the event be shared with me. I was reduced the quality of a few shitty friends, and got to see a picture.

Am I just selfish? Is it wrong to want something special every now and then? For me, it feels like it's wrong. It's wrong of me to think anyone cares enough to give me something special. It pricks at me, and makes my chest hurt to think about how lowly everyone must feel about me. Which is funny, because they have to be thinking about me in the first place to think lowly of me.

So which is it? Am I lowly or am I nothing?

I guess I rather not be thought of at all. Every time I go anywhere, I'm paranoid about running into someone I know. Because that would suck. I don't want anyone to know me, and I especially don't want anyone to come up to me to say hi.

Joys of anxiety.

It hit me (again) today just how unnormal I am. I was also hit by the fact that even though I go off pretending I feel nothing, the fact is that I actually feel too much. I'm sensitive to emotions.

Today my dad got on to my brother, Alex, about something work related, and Alex laughed it off and went about his day carefree. Meanwhile, I had to call my mom and let her know that her water hose broke. It wasn't my fault, but it didn't keep me from completely stressing over it. The thing is is that she understood, and wasn't mad with me. So I stressed over nothing all day. This is actually really common for me.

So if it's so common, then why can't I change? Someone told me people don't change, and I hate her for being seemingly right.

This probably plays into me wanting to be by myself. Stress and anxiety play a big role in my life, and to get rid of it, I have to get rid of the cause.

My dark passenger.

I always have this thing eating at me. I don't really know what to call it. The only way I can describe it is that I want nothing to go my way. It's like a voice in my head telling me it feels good to be let down.

I'm always wishing my girlfriend was cheating on me, or my mom would kick me out of the house. Or everyone, I haven't lost yet, would tell me they don't want to be friends anymore. I guess I want a reason to have nothing, so I don't have to deal with anything. You try to do something nice, but it ends up blowing up in your face.

I constantly feel like no one cares about me, and everyone keeps telling me they do care about me. It's really kind of unbearable. I just want to go through the day without wondering if someone's going to have something to say to me. When I was single, I had gotten used to the silence. But now I'm always up waiting for my current girlfriend to say something.

I almost think I enjoy fighting, because at least she's talking to me. It feels like I've given up trying to make anything good, so I just settle for the scraps of what I can get. A lot of times I just wish it would end. It's easier to deal with having nothing, than constantly wishing for more.

That's the "voice." It's telling me to keep fighting for things, because it knows I'm going to get hurt. That's how it feeds itself.

When I try to give this voice a face, I just see my girlfriend. I see her laughing at me with all of her guy friends. I see her using me to feed her ego. And then I see myself allowing it to happen, because I'm so pathetic that I'm just happy someone wants anything to do with me. It's like being killed by her, and "apologizing for bleeding on her shirt." I'm tired of feeling this way.

When my life changed.

Sometimes I like to imagine myself in this little cabin in the middle of the forest all by myself. I like the idea of being off alone, but I don't know why I picture myself as a hermit in the forest. I'm the last person who could go out, and hunt for my food everyday.

While I'm also not a "city person," I did enjoy being alone in Atlanta the last three years. I didn't really make any friends, and I stayed cooped up in my room mostly. I was away from everyone, and if I my rare need of human contact came around, I could just walk across the street to the grocery store and wonder around. I did this, a lot. The grocery store shortly became my favorite place to be.

Living on my own wasn't all fun, though. I had a girlfriend, Emily, who went to another college. We were together for two years, before we went to separate colleges. We lasted another two years after that.

To this day, I still wonder what it'd be like if I went to her college like I had originally wanted to do. Well, I'm paying for it now. I wanted to do game design, and now I'll probably never get a job doing it. The only thing going to that college got me was a useless Bachelor's, and a break up that'll affect me for the rest of my life.

Living back in my home town is doing nothing for me, except bringing up unneeded memories. I lost everyone I was close to while I was away in Atlanta, and now I have no one to help me through this. Or anything else I'm going through.

I had a best friend, Evan. We were perfect together; best friends for eighteen years since pre-k. We used to talk about being each others best man. It was, at the time, obvious me and Emily would be together forever, and he would be my best man. While in Atlanta, Emily broke up with me, so that didn't work out. And then in the winter last year, Evan and I had gotten into a fight over an indirect joke I made about his girlfriend.

If you know me and my life's "great" track record, then you know that they, of course, got married. And I wasn't his best man.

So, Atlanta provided me with some short term happiness, but in the long run, I lost everything that I loved. I lost the two and only important people in my life, I lost the innocence in art that was turned into a competition full of insensitive critiquing, and I lost my happiness.

Trying to live my own life.

It feels like I'm not in control of anything I do. Or the lack of what I do. It's summer, and if there was one thing I wish I could do, it'd be to drive up to Ohio and be with my girlfriend, Alex. My best friend is doing that in Montana with his girlfriend. An online friend of mine is doing that, as well. Everyone's doing what they want to do, and I'm still letting my mom, of all people, control me.

Maybe, I don't have a lot of money, which is only partially true. I have a lot of money in my savings that I haven't touched, so I can use it to pay my loans back. But I just need to use it for something. I'm 22, and I feel like I'm 12. I'm extremely eager to start my life, and get out of this place. But I can't get a job to save my life.

I've been looking for a job since January, and it's in the later half of June now. It's really taking a toll on me to sit around at moms house doing nothing all day. It's taking a bigger toll on me listening to her lecture me all the time. I think she thinks I'm enjoying myself here; that this is what I want.

What I want to do is to go to Seattle. My girlfriend wants to go there, too. But she starts college this year. I can't wait for her to finish school. I did this with my ex, of four years, and look at how it ended. I'm broken, because of it. I don't want to wait on my current girlfriend, but I don't want to be alone, either. I guess all I can really do is wait it out, and see what happens. Maybe my life will start soon enough, and I can go visit her finally. She is supposed to come down in September to go to a convention with me, but it's looking less and less certain that it'll happen.

I have no one to talk to.

I need a way to get things off my chest.

I've done a good job at secluding myself from everyone. By choice. I guess you could say too many people have hurt me, and I'm more than a bit sensitive. I've decided for myself that no one likes me. People have told me that they do like me, but I choose not to believe them. I'm certain that my memories are jumbled, but no one really liked me from the beginning anyways.

I have a girlfriend, for example, but it's hard to believe she truly likes me like she says she does. I mean, why would she go a whole day without saying anything to me? Yes, I could've said something to her, but she knows me and I've come to rely on the fact that she always had something to say even if we weren't getting along.

Which is pretty much never these days.