About two years ago, I met a girl whom I really liked. We got along right off the bat and talking was easy. We would have dated, I think, but she decided not to for superficial reasons. It sucked at the time, but ultimately, I was over it in a day. Really, though, I always did think we would have been good for each other.

We ran into each other tonight, and it was like "Oh, hello!" There was no bad blood, and we chatted with each other a little. When she said bye, I didn't want to say anything as in I didn't feel like it. I guess I didn't care.

When we were talking, I kept thinking, the old me would be excited at another chance. Maybe she'd gotten over her superficial reasons, and we'd be together. But honestly, I just kept thinking "I really don't feel like dating anyone." In fact, I really wasn't into talking to her all that much? It was fun, and it was okay. I got in a weird mind set where I felt like I was being challenged? I'm not sure how to put it.

All in all, I really just have no romantic interest in anyone.

I've begun realizing what I want. Maybe getting older has to do with it. I'm a stew that's been sitting for a while waiting for the herbs to mix in, and they've mixed. I don't want you. But who is you? I can't really say. I'm speaking in a future tense, and I know that when I meet someone, I won't want them.

It's really clear now that I don't want to be with anyone. Some may say it's because I was hurt so much in past relationships and that I'm giving up, and that's okay with me. Even if I meet someone, it won't last, right? I can say with all the certainty in the world that nothing last. 

Alex (the brother) and I reconciled. We get along. We don't talk much, and I find it appropriate. I think we don't need much interaction, and we'll get along in the future as well. 

My last two childhood friends, Stefan and Chris, don't talk to me anymore. That was a slow death that I saw coming. I tried to prevent it, but they do not care for my friendship. I don't think they dislike me. I simply do not fit into the fold anymore. It sucks, I'll admit, but I don't need them. For the longest time, Chris did not seem interested in talking anyways and I was able to get an early start and getting over him.

I don't even really care about talking to Alex (the internet friend) anymore. I used to get nervous at the idea of talking to her, because I was worried she didn't want to talk. I used to look forward to hearing from her. And it's not that I don't want to talk to her or that I don't like her, but I don't feel any kind of binding to her in which I wanted her around.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not sad. In fact, I've been doing very well lately. I've been extremely content. It helped to learn more about myself. I was so stuck on what I thought I needed and wanted. I needed a girlfriend, someone to be there for me. I needed my old friends to stick around. It turns out that I don't even prefer to have them around, and I really am against dating anyone. I don't even care about hooking up with a girl like I do sometimes. It's true that I was with a girl last month, yeah, but I was so glad when she left. And then there was the girl from the month before that....but I seriously spent more time playing with her kitten more than I did doing anything with her. And I was happy to leave. In fact, I left a lot earlier than planned.

I enjoy my own company, and just want to be left alone. Why woukd I want to be around all these...people?

Last month, I went to AWA with Lennon. We had an extremely good time. My birthday was earlier this month, and I really can't remember having such a nice birthday. In particular, this whole month has been very nice. My boss was giving me a really hard time for while, and still is a little, but he's all bark. I've gotten better at ignoring him. I'm probably jinxing it by writing about it, but hey, I gotta write about something good sometimes. 

My friend keeps being an asshole to me every time we play a game online together, so I think I'm just not going to play with him for a while. It's one of those stressful and co-op type of games, so I'm trying to make sure we're doing what we're supposed to do to make everything run smoothly. But he always has to be dick about it like "yo stop whining like a faggot"

So, yeah. Some friend.

I've been wishing people read my blog. I wish I had a fan, or someone who cared and could emphasize with me. I know no one reads this, though, and I know no one cares about my problems or anyone else's. I try to be a friend to others and be there for them, and I know I put up a wall and don't really let people know if I'm down. But I guess if someone was reading this, I wouldn't be able to put up a wall.

I'd just like to meet somebody who's not an asshole for once. It seems like everyone I meet becomes an asshole, and they're rude and just apathetic toward how they treat others. It leaves me remembering that I'm a compassionate person. I'm not the cold hearted person I tried to be, or wanted to be.

When I was younger, I used to not let it get me down. I was determined to stay above all the hatred, and I guess I'm trying to get above it again and just try to be a good person. I just wish I had someone to help me for once. I'm done trying to do everything alone. Or at least I'd like to be.

I guess if you're reading this, don't be a stranger.

You had it all, the hitmans strong armed shore. You're looking down and your heart is bleeding out the corn I picked up from our fight. You're going to bleed once you're back again, and I'm going let you leave to go back to go inside out of your kin's safe bed tonight. 

If you have a reason to fight; I know you're strong, you can chase em. When you lay down tonight, I know the thnig's you're saying; the things you'd know if you let them come in at night. You let them down, and it's beating colder to your delusional sense of giving. 

You're not going to live in Mexico, because there's no cure for our old faithful.  You're bleeding through my reason to fight and I know I'm not patient. I could lay down to die tonight, and know that there's no answers. 

Well, here it goes again. The dark times are coming.

Zack was not approved to transfer here, so there goes getting an apartment. He is being transferred to Italy. That's pretty cool, honestly. I wish I could just move to Europe. I am going to be stuck here.

Amazon is hiring 5,000 warehouse workers. I applied to their Delaware and Pennsylvania locations. I'll apply to more locations later. I figure I got two years of experience so who knows. But with the way things are going, nothing's going to come of it.

No one talks to me, and nothing's going right. I'm just going to be stuck in the town where I was born with a useless degree working for minimum wage living with my mom.

At least before, when I had to get through the tough times, it was based on something trivial or passive in a sense. It didn't really matter. I was just sad and waiting. But now everything is real. The darkness is real, and it's telling me this is it. This is as far as I go, and I'm going in alone.

When you're a kid, the adults paint this big, beautiful world for us and if we do the right things, things are going to be good for us.

I should really take up drinking.

I tried to fly, you know, and when I came in to land, is it safe? Am I going to stake this fifty dollar bill? There's a boy in my house, and he's playing on the couch. Where is it? The missing case figuring in on my reel.

There comes  a second man in my moms illicit majesty  Who would care if you do it when there's a doll to lose? How is this so surreal? 

Are you in your mask? What happens when we lose time? What's in your life? We were having fun at twelve o'clock. 

They'll be gone tonight when we're standing on the sky in our avenue. Are we at least living like beasts for a fifty dollar bill? Because there's an angry mob here for my wig. 

I kind of feel like I'm in the back seat of things. You know when you're in a car with some friends, and the other two are up front talking and it's hard to really have any attention given your way because you're in the back. Maybe they'll look back and ask if I'm alright, but then they go back to their own thing and leave you alone. And I really do feel alone. I feel like the guy everyone comes to with their problems.

It's been a while since anyone asked how I've been. I guess I've become unapproachable by acting like everything's okay. In a way, everything is okay I suppose. But I'm tired of being alone, and I want someone to talk to or someone that cares about how I've been. Yeah, I got my friends but they're just friends. I miss connecting on a deeper level.

Some stupid girl keeps whining to me about her ex messing with her, and I mean, I'm not going to just say whatever. I like to help others feel better, but it makes me feel worse when they do and then just go on about their day. It's like, you know...that's all I'm good to talk about?

Yeah, people are selfish and I did the whole selfish thing for a while. But lately, I'm back to my old self and I'm tired of hating everything. I guess the price for doing so is remembering the pain in everything. I just want to be important to someone.

I found out Alex has an STD and something else. She got a biopsy, and I became really worried. I realized I'd go mental if she were to not exist anymore. But I think everything will be fine.

Last night, I went to a pageant for Warner Robins Most Outstanding Teen. My sister invited me. I was glad to go, but I didn't realize it was going to be four hours long. Thank goodness for smart phones.

For a while now, I've really been wanting to have a relationship with my sister. I thought about asking if she wanted to go get lunch together before school starts back up for her, but I was too nervous. I don't like the idea of being too nervous about things like that, but she at least seems like we're still close. She does this thing where she lightly punches my stomach when she walks by.

I don't know if it's all weird. I guess it kind of is. I never really had a relationship with Jason and especially Alex, but I've made sure to be in Lennon's life majorly and I guess I've always wanted a sister, too.

I want to be closer with my dad, too. The trouble is that I don't forgive my stepmom for being a horrible person. I can't really say if she's better now, but from what Alex used to tell me a couple years ago, it doesn't sound like she's any nicer. To be in my dad and sisters life, I have to let her, too. So really....I guess I'll see what happens, but I'm guessing nothing will.

Today was a shitty day. Work has been getting more tiring for the last few weeks. I've thought my boss was grooming me to take over for his assistance position or whatever, but he's only been holding a carrot in front of me and using me because I'm the only one who does work. I've been taking on a lot of responsibility and pushing myself way too hard for a fucking minimum wage job. It's gotten to the point where I'm just angry all the time, and fighting against a wave.

I've accepted that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. In fact, I accepted it a long time ago, but I've been getting lonely a lot lately. I just want to connect to someone again, and the only thing that's keeping me from doing so is remembering the pain of being close to someone. The pain is just not worth it. This phase will pass like everything else does.

I'm just going through a rough patch right now, and I never have anyone to talk to about it. It's kind of hard to believe after two years, I still use this blog as a coping mechanism.

It's not really true that I have no one to talk to about it, because I've gained a lot of friends, and some old and very good friends are back around. But I don't like talking to them about these thing, because I just don't want to end up finding out they couldn't care less. Or I don't want them to understand and give me a disappointing answer making me feel like nothing's good enough.

My student loans have been stressing me out a lot more lately. I'm going to be stuck with them forever. I think I've given up looking for a better job, because everything is so shit in general and I've always felt like there was no point to anything. These last couple of years have literally been me going to day to day which is really not so bad honestly, but I guess I'm just still waiting for that next big moment in my life to happen.

I was thinking about if my brother Alex died, I wouldn't be upset.

When I was asleep, I lived in a world where I was wrapped in a coil, a snake who treated me like its queen. I could not step outside my cage that was decorated like a pink cake. My vision was turned, and my mind was left me. My lips rotated upwards, and the strain lifted from my chest; I was happy.

I opened the door to my cage to let the wind in, and I let the wind carry me like a backpack on the excitement of the first day back to school. I let my vision come back to me to watch the leaves revolve itself around my door, and if it was like the demon of the forest were suddenly watching out for me, then I did not mind. I let myself forget.

I forgot how dangerous it is to let others in.

I save my lies for you, because all I'll find are like the sky. But how would you find out if I'm trying to hide. I don't make sense, and only a washed out dream could surrender me. I'm a pretender that keeps changing, because when I lose, I don't want to be who you remember me as.

A fine ass motherfucker with a line of hopeful friends that I erased; I had a pleasant surprise when I heard a desperate ways call. When I came to, I was offered a nice meal but it was a mistake. I lied for you, so that we could take a break that I didn't want. I woke up, but you were no soul. Now's a good time to remember all those bad times. 

Amends are not my style, and if we kissed, you'd feel a damp spot where I used to be wet for you. I used to be a soft and young man, and when I thought of you, I knew you were thinking of me, too. Why am I still around when our smiles are fake? Because I made a battery to help with the ways that could be any way, but it didn't take. I don't want to crutch myself into the arms of help just to find things have changed. 

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not depressed or anything, nor am I full of hate or anger. I know those feelings, and I know how to deal with them. But I don't know what's going on with me lately.

I'm bored all the time. I've been reaching out to people I don't talk to much or haven't talked to in a long time, and getting them to hang out. I'm always looking for something interesting to do at work. I'm just trying to stay busy I think, and keep my mind occupied. I mean those are normal, but then I reopened my Facebook? What am I doing?

I'm so bored, and I just want to do anything.

Shoe was dating this girl a bit last year, but they decided to be friends. I think maybe he noticed I was really down last week, and now he's introduced her to me or something. He knew I had a slight crush on her. It was mostly a joke, but I mean...she is kind of cool honestly. I was talking to her on Facebook, but I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so stupid and weird when I talk to people.

I don't know. Maybe it's just a weird phase and it'll end shortly. I'm not sure if I want it to. I don't know if I really have anything against this. It kind of hurts, but a lot less than most things and it really only hurts when I start to sit idle. That's why I'm trying to stay busy.

Clearly, I'm trying to protect myself from having to deal with something painful. Not sure what it is really. I dated this girl for a couple weeks. We were starting to get serious, and then she broke it off on Valentines Day. Honestly, I couldn't care less that it was that day, especially since it's so clitche, but you know. It's like I try to do something with myself finally, and as soon as I do, I get fucked.

It didn't really affect me, though. I was bummed for a little bit, but really, I'm over it. So I don't know why my minds trying to stay busy. Maybe everything in general has finally just caught up with me, and if I stop to think about it, I'll snap. I really do kind of feel like I could snap.

Anyways. My Facebook is back up. I seriously get a bad taste in my mouth from looking at it. I deleted almost everything, though. All the messages with Alex and Emily. All of my pictures, and most of the people on my friends list. I guess I could start again with it, but I mean, I don't even know anyone. I got a handful of friends and none of them use it.

Whatever, though. I'll get over it.

I've got this bad habit of shrugging off people when they try to help, because I don't have it in me to trust that they really care. And then I have another habit of coming off as an asshole when I try to show that I care.

This should probably be the definition of emotional suffering.

Well, I guess it's that time again. I poked my head out of my hole trying to find something or someone. I know every now and again, I'll feel safe and want to have a look around outside my own little world, and I guess it's healthy to do so as a firm reminder that it's not safe.

I feel lonely, and I feel really depressed about it. Whatever I say about feeling like being on my own is the best option, I really would just like someone around. Maybe deep down I'm just sad that I don't really have an option.

I tried to go into my little hole and shut everything out, but I couldn't this time. It's really a process. Everything does and will hurt for a while, and then it'll all quiet back down. I'll quiet down, and remember my place.

The problem is that I feel unwanted. I go looking for someone to like me. Finding no one is one thing, but having your hopes up is a whole other beast. It's a slow and agonizing pain. I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I read these things as I write and they come off as far fetched, so what does it mean that it's all true?

You know, and maybe this will sound corny or lame, but a lot of people say nothing matters when they get down. But maybe, really, it's just me that doesn't matter.

I wrote a lot this month. Most people probably wouldn't consider five posts in a month to be many, but it's been a busy couple of months for me mentally and emotionally. I think after I kind of "saw the truth," I can just lay back down and look at the ceiling so to speak.

I was talking to this friend a little, an artist whom I admire, and we really talked for just a little bit. It felt like it'd be a thing, but then she stopped replying. I swear I will never understand how or why people do that, just act like friends for a moment and then disappear. I suppose I can see why someone would do that, but not in this case.

I think right now I'm in between phases, in limbo. These are the best times for me. I'm mellow, and go day to day. It's a little bit of a blur, but I don't know really. I think my next phase is going to be a quiet one again. I tend to do that every now and again, and everyone at work bothers me about "What's wrong?" It's nice, though. I think I can tell because of how my mood's been lately, and the fact that I've been listening to a lot of post rock. Although, now, I'm listening to a Deathcab song on Alex's Tumblr. I'd thank her for playing something from their only good album, but who cares.

That was a very pretentious thing to say. That's something I'd have said in high school.

Nothing else has really been going on. Since the whole thing with Alex, I actually reached out to what I consider some real friends of mine. Andrew from Sears calls me most nights, and we just talk shit. It's cool, because I grew up actually talking on the phone before texting was a real thing and I forgot how much nicer that is. Then there's Chris who I went to college with. I don't get to see him anymore, but we talk online a lot.  On the 360, I talk to Tim and play games with him and some other guys. It's hard to believe, but I kind of have a social life. Weird.

I have noticed the last couple years, that the holidays are just not a good time for me. It's so cliche, but it's true. I get really depressed. But after that, I tend to feel better. I can see it happening now. December was a very crappy month. As much as it's bit me in the ass to have brought Alex back into my life, she did kind of raise my spirits for a bit there, so I'm thankful. And I shouldn't say it bit me in the ass. She didn't really do anything so much as my mind can't cope when it comes to her. In the end, I ended up running away again.

I can't say I feel differently about girls, though. I seriously lay in bed sometimes and realize the things that happen when I'm in a relationship. I become jaded. I have really bad trust issues. So, what's the point in dating? What's the point in rekindling friendships with people you don't feel comfortable with?

I admit I've become good at cutting the fat out of my life, and realizing when it needs to be done. My mom calls me a pessimist, but I see it as being realistic. 

I can only suppose this is it. It's a sixth sense. You don't have to be told when something is over. It is nice to be reminded when things have long been dead, though.

I can't converse with Alex anymore, or I can't figure out the right things to say. That was probably the warning sign that I even have to weigh the pro's and con's of what I'm going to say to a person. It goes to show when I can't keep up a conversation. I can't answer anything thoroughly, nor can I feel normal about reading her messages.

I feel so lame and annoying, and generally unliked sometimes. I know better, I really do, but I can't help how I react to these situations. And I really do mean unliked. I feel like like a second rate citizen, and worse yet, I feel like I have to initiate things.

That was the second warning sign. I've done well by keeping everyone at arms length. It's allowed me to have some sort of friendship with people, and it's kept me from becoming attached. With Alex, there's bound to be leftover and useless emotions, and she just doesn't fall under my new regime. I can't help but become attached in a way that doesn't allow to enjoy myself.

Honestly, I was doing well for a while there. But I think the pressure was on, and I had to become the perfect and specific friend she needed, the one that was there when she needed me and not around when it was inconvenient. It's hard to perform under those conditions, and not feel stepped on.

It really sucks. In fact, I came into this post feeling as if I didn't care. I felt like it was necessary and that I'd just move on like with everything else. But I feel sad.

So, you know, and I'm fairly certain I've written about this before, I was stricken today with a high dose of....I don't even know what to call it. But sometimes I just get this sudden burst of emotions that makes me feel extreme clarity. I feel it for a few seconds, maybe a few seconds more given my desire to hold onto it a little longer. 

The thing that I should mention is that it happened as I was driving to work, and I wanted to write about it so much on here that while at a red light, I wrote down a brief explanation of it in my phone so I could remember it for a later occasion.

When it happens, it's as if I realize something deep inside of me, but not just me. It's something universal. It feels like my feelings would and should extend to others, that it would benefit them to have my explosion of knowledge. 

It's different every time, and I've had them every so often through out the last few years of my life, but not as often as I'd enjoy. 

Anyhow, I was inflicted with knowing that the things that happen to us, in our lives, the deep and personal thoughts we gain every second, whether they are positive or negative, separate us from everyone. No matter how close you are to someone, they can never know you and you will always be alone. And I don't mean lonely and/or sad, just alone. 

You could be so similar to someone, be the most best friend someone could ask for, but there's always something to separate you. If you are look to be understood, I don't know if there's a way to really ever be so.

When I write about this, I feel so disappointed. It felt so certain about these feelings and so lucid about it, but I can't seem to grasp it again. Maybe what I said may make sense to someone else, but it seems more like rambling to me. It just sounds like I'm mentioning something obvious. Oh, well. 

 

Since I'm in bed and can't do anything, I figured I'd just write. That should add some much needed filler into my schedule of checking Twitter and Tumblr every five minutes. There really isn't much to write about, though. I do tend to have more to say when I'm in a lesser mood.

Being sick sucks, but I can't help but enjoy just laying in bed all day watching Netflix. It's got it's own merits. I've been watching Doctor Who pretty much all day. I remember when I had asked Alex about it a long time ago, but she didn't really say anything as if she rather I not watch it. That also reminds me when I tried to get into Tumblr for the first time and she was trying to talk me out of it. I guess she just didn't want me to like the things she likes. Well, I like these two things now, and the world seems to be intact.

Speaking of Alex, the feeling of being used has been nagging at me. Somehow, I don't think this is truly the case, but there is a history there that I shouldn't be expected to dismiss. I have tried messaging her simple things as a "I'm still here" kind of deal, but I should stop lest I become annoying.

Still, I can't help but feel like I'm being used as someone to talk to when things are bad like I'm a medicine that only needs to be taken at an appropriate time. I guess  always going to feel like I'm no Brian or I'm no Tom. It's extremely pathetic that I remember Tom.

I don't want to come off as saying she is a bad person, though. I use different people for different situations all the time. I guess I just always wanted someone where I didn't have to pretend or be pretended upon. I guess I'd like a special friendship with someone.

Either way, I'm more upset that I rented a game and I've been too sick to play it. I can't even return it tonight, so I guess I'll be paying a nice late fee. I'm pretty glad that my shift is being picked up tomorrow, though. Then I have Sunday and Monday off, so I can exclusively focus on feeling better. My timing is pretty good.

Since I'm writing on my phone, I can't post a song. Oh, well.

I've been feeling a little better lately. I think I finally got over that shitty depression spell. I wasn't doing too well for a while there. It's not as if anything has changed in my situation, so I can only account it to my unstable mind and emotions.

You'd think after a while, my unbalanced feelings would begin to untwine themselves. I suppose I will remain crude in this sense for a while longer. If it seems that I'm speaking of this situation as if it were not alterable, then that is because that's how I perceive my position. Who knows. Maybe that is just my lopsided emotions covering my senses.

Maybe all those times I told myself or someone else that I am just one of those people that was made to feel sad at all times is true. It certainly seems to have always been true and constant for me.

As for the more obvious situation in my life, I still do not fully understand my thoughts. I think, honestly, I like talking to Alex. It's nice. But I am so afraid of falling into a situation where I end up hurt again. This is not to say she would do so, because how would she? Or why? Yes, she has a want, perhaps even a need, to have me around. That does not mean she and I are on the same level about us.

I hate to admit to myself that I still have feelings for her. It's difficult to talk to someone like that in my situation. She told me she enjoys that I just talk to her normally. I candidly do not know how I pull it off. I have always had a quiet and calm candor, but it only masks the storm inside of me.

It's clear that I am fine for the most part when thinking of her as faceless, just an online friend whom I speak with every so often. But when a picture of her pops up, it is a punch in the chest. It's a reminder of....actually let's just not even mention it. In plain words, it just sucks.

I do remain wary in my "quest" to stick around. I am so weak in this regard, and I hope to toughen up. Maybe I will become used to her face again.

I like to follow r/relationships on Reddit. There's always something to learn from other peoples problems whether it be a couple or just someone's own relationship with themselves. I came across a person who had really been having a hard go at it, and mentioned suicide in passing. It didn't come across as any sort of act of self importance. It was just a thing that was referred to.

The top comment was someone urging this person to have a visit to r/suicidewatch.

Let's be sincere. I have a history, not with suicidal tendencies, but suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, I get to that point where I just think about nothing but finding some sort of extreme measure of release, and my vision becomes blackened. I think, given my nature, that it'd be unquestionable that I should pay a visit to r/suicidewatch, as well as, if to not look for help, to at least entertain my diseased sense of curiosity.

What I got out of this inspection was that these were not people looking for help. They were letting everyone read their suicide notes. They just wanted everyone to have their eyes on them. They were attention seekers. The real conclusion that I came to was that I am alone in this regard. There really is no one out there for me to learn from in this subject, and I don't mean to come off as "I'm alone, no one cares" as I usually do.

If there was any knowledge for me to have gained, it was that I am glad I do not revel in narcissism. I have always kept it to myself as it makes you look extremely weak. The only people who ever knew about this part of me were people that I only ever considered people who did care.

This is probably why there won't really be a cure for something like this other than taking medicine that numbs you out. People like me either keep it to themselves, or they end up dead.

I am not feeling suicidal, though. I only started to really think about it, because of the post I had read and where it lead me.




There is also another thing I should write about, and that is that it does not seem like my conversations with Alex have come to a full stop. I'm sure if I never said anything in the first place, a full stop would not have ceased to stay permanent.

I do not feel ill toward talking with her some, but this fact is due to thinking very minimally about the whole situation. I wish to just let it take its course, and take it easy. I'm sure if I really did think about it, I would, no doubt, find some reason to disappear again.

Alex must find it offensive that I have to put her outside my head to bear her, but she seems to want to keep me in her circle for some cause and maybe if I stop running, I may find some peace from the past.