I've been feeling a little better lately. I think I finally got over that shitty depression spell. I wasn't doing too well for a while there. It's not as if anything has changed in my situation, so I can only account it to my unstable mind and emotions.

You'd think after a while, my unbalanced feelings would begin to untwine themselves. I suppose I will remain crude in this sense for a while longer. If it seems that I'm speaking of this situation as if it were not alterable, then that is because that's how I perceive my position. Who knows. Maybe that is just my lopsided emotions covering my senses.

Maybe all those times I told myself or someone else that I am just one of those people that was made to feel sad at all times is true. It certainly seems to have always been true and constant for me.

As for the more obvious situation in my life, I still do not fully understand my thoughts. I think, honestly, I like talking to Alex. It's nice. But I am so afraid of falling into a situation where I end up hurt again. This is not to say she would do so, because how would she? Or why? Yes, she has a want, perhaps even a need, to have me around. That does not mean she and I are on the same level about us.

I hate to admit to myself that I still have feelings for her. It's difficult to talk to someone like that in my situation. She told me she enjoys that I just talk to her normally. I candidly do not know how I pull it off. I have always had a quiet and calm candor, but it only masks the storm inside of me.

It's clear that I am fine for the most part when thinking of her as faceless, just an online friend whom I speak with every so often. But when a picture of her pops up, it is a punch in the chest. It's a reminder of....actually let's just not even mention it. In plain words, it just sucks.

I do remain wary in my "quest" to stick around. I am so weak in this regard, and I hope to toughen up. Maybe I will become used to her face again.