I like to follow r/relationships on Reddit. There's always something to learn from other peoples problems whether it be a couple or just someone's own relationship with themselves. I came across a person who had really been having a hard go at it, and mentioned suicide in passing. It didn't come across as any sort of act of self importance. It was just a thing that was referred to.

The top comment was someone urging this person to have a visit to r/suicidewatch.

Let's be sincere. I have a history, not with suicidal tendencies, but suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, I get to that point where I just think about nothing but finding some sort of extreme measure of release, and my vision becomes blackened. I think, given my nature, that it'd be unquestionable that I should pay a visit to r/suicidewatch, as well as, if to not look for help, to at least entertain my diseased sense of curiosity.

What I got out of this inspection was that these were not people looking for help. They were letting everyone read their suicide notes. They just wanted everyone to have their eyes on them. They were attention seekers. The real conclusion that I came to was that I am alone in this regard. There really is no one out there for me to learn from in this subject, and I don't mean to come off as "I'm alone, no one cares" as I usually do.

If there was any knowledge for me to have gained, it was that I am glad I do not revel in narcissism. I have always kept it to myself as it makes you look extremely weak. The only people who ever knew about this part of me were people that I only ever considered people who did care.

This is probably why there won't really be a cure for something like this other than taking medicine that numbs you out. People like me either keep it to themselves, or they end up dead.

I am not feeling suicidal, though. I only started to really think about it, because of the post I had read and where it lead me.




There is also another thing I should write about, and that is that it does not seem like my conversations with Alex have come to a full stop. I'm sure if I never said anything in the first place, a full stop would not have ceased to stay permanent.

I do not feel ill toward talking with her some, but this fact is due to thinking very minimally about the whole situation. I wish to just let it take its course, and take it easy. I'm sure if I really did think about it, I would, no doubt, find some reason to disappear again.

Alex must find it offensive that I have to put her outside my head to bear her, but she seems to want to keep me in her circle for some cause and maybe if I stop running, I may find some peace from the past.