I've begun realizing what I want. Maybe getting older has to do with it. I'm a stew that's been sitting for a while waiting for the herbs to mix in, and they've mixed. I don't want you. But who is you? I can't really say. I'm speaking in a future tense, and I know that when I meet someone, I won't want them.

It's really clear now that I don't want to be with anyone. Some may say it's because I was hurt so much in past relationships and that I'm giving up, and that's okay with me. Even if I meet someone, it won't last, right? I can say with all the certainty in the world that nothing last. 

Alex (the brother) and I reconciled. We get along. We don't talk much, and I find it appropriate. I think we don't need much interaction, and we'll get along in the future as well. 

My last two childhood friends, Stefan and Chris, don't talk to me anymore. That was a slow death that I saw coming. I tried to prevent it, but they do not care for my friendship. I don't think they dislike me. I simply do not fit into the fold anymore. It sucks, I'll admit, but I don't need them. For the longest time, Chris did not seem interested in talking anyways and I was able to get an early start and getting over him.

I don't even really care about talking to Alex (the internet friend) anymore. I used to get nervous at the idea of talking to her, because I was worried she didn't want to talk. I used to look forward to hearing from her. And it's not that I don't want to talk to her or that I don't like her, but I don't feel any kind of binding to her in which I wanted her around.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not sad. In fact, I've been doing very well lately. I've been extremely content. It helped to learn more about myself. I was so stuck on what I thought I needed and wanted. I needed a girlfriend, someone to be there for me. I needed my old friends to stick around. It turns out that I don't even prefer to have them around, and I really am against dating anyone. I don't even care about hooking up with a girl like I do sometimes. It's true that I was with a girl last month, yeah, but I was so glad when she left. And then there was the girl from the month before that....but I seriously spent more time playing with her kitten more than I did doing anything with her. And I was happy to leave. In fact, I left a lot earlier than planned.

I enjoy my own company, and just want to be left alone. Why woukd I want to be around all these...people?

Last month, I went to AWA with Lennon. We had an extremely good time. My birthday was earlier this month, and I really can't remember having such a nice birthday. In particular, this whole month has been very nice. My boss was giving me a really hard time for while, and still is a little, but he's all bark. I've gotten better at ignoring him. I'm probably jinxing it by writing about it, but hey, I gotta write about something good sometimes.