Today was a shitty day. Work has been getting more tiring for the last few weeks. I've thought my boss was grooming me to take over for his assistance position or whatever, but he's only been holding a carrot in front of me and using me because I'm the only one who does work. I've been taking on a lot of responsibility and pushing myself way too hard for a fucking minimum wage job. It's gotten to the point where I'm just angry all the time, and fighting against a wave.

I've accepted that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. In fact, I accepted it a long time ago, but I've been getting lonely a lot lately. I just want to connect to someone again, and the only thing that's keeping me from doing so is remembering the pain of being close to someone. The pain is just not worth it. This phase will pass like everything else does.

I'm just going through a rough patch right now, and I never have anyone to talk to about it. It's kind of hard to believe after two years, I still use this blog as a coping mechanism.

It's not really true that I have no one to talk to about it, because I've gained a lot of friends, and some old and very good friends are back around. But I don't like talking to them about these thing, because I just don't want to end up finding out they couldn't care less. Or I don't want them to understand and give me a disappointing answer making me feel like nothing's good enough.

My student loans have been stressing me out a lot more lately. I'm going to be stuck with them forever. I think I've given up looking for a better job, because everything is so shit in general and I've always felt like there was no point to anything. These last couple of years have literally been me going to day to day which is really not so bad honestly, but I guess I'm just still waiting for that next big moment in my life to happen.

I was thinking about if my brother Alex died, I wouldn't be upset.